


It's Just You and Me Here

by jeffwik (Portioncontrol)



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Coronavirus, Cripple Creek (banjo), Discord - Freeform, Drambuie, Dungeons & Dragons, Emails too, F/M, Facetime, Gen, Glitter, Is that really an AU, Jeff Winger got therapy, Long-Distance Relationship, Only One Bed, Other, Police Raid, SO MUCH THERAPY, Text Messages, Video Conferencing Across the Continent, Zoom - Freeform, Zootopia - Freeform, but they're both doing okay or were until the apocalypse started, carmen the barbarian, grells and gricks, holding hands at disneyland, i guess it counts, looking up the grappling rules in the players handbook is a true D&D experience, pretend dating which is not the same thing as fake dating, quarantine au, serpent-people, skimpy underthings, that most desirable of AO3 tags, the definition of AU in this context has always been amorphous, they're 2000 miles apart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 82,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24673336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Portioncontrol/pseuds/jeffwik
Summary: Five years after the series finale, the old study group gets together online to play Dungeons and Dragons because everybody's in quarantine.
Relationships: Annie Edison & Jeff Winger, Annie Edison/Jeff Winger, Frankie Dart/Britta Perry, Troy Barnes & Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir/Original Female Character(s), mostly Jeff/Annie not gonna lie
Comments: 202
Kudos: 387





	1. The first week it was fine

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Amrywiol and Bethanyactually who were both willing to beta despite it being, you know, many years since the last one. I have several more chapters written, I'm working on it.

MONDAY 23 MARCH 2020—DAY 10 OF LOCKDOWN

The first week it was fine. 

Her supervisor Karen was very firm about abiding by the rules, as it was very necessary in their line of work to be extremely apparent law-followers. So while some people were out there ignoring the state guidelines, the law office of Martinez All Family was closed and locked. There was still paperwork to file, at least until the courts closed completely; and lockdown wasn't going to improve the divorce rate, so Annie wasn't entirely furloughed. The first week she worked from home and logged twenty-eight hours, which Karen had assured her was fine and more than enough and she shouldn't worry. Martinez All Family was prepared to pay everybody's full salary for up to six months with nothing coming in, and cases should still continue to come in.

She went out once to buy groceries and once to search the garbage of a guy that was a star witness, details didn't matter. She used hand sanitizer afterward and reported her (lack of) findings and got told by one of the attorneys not to go out like that regardless of what any of the other attorneys told her. Then there was a firm-wide email about the importance of staying home, which didn't technically contain the phrase, "and don't tell Annie to go out and risk her life for your client," but might as well have.

Annie's official job title was Assistant Office Manager. Some weeks all she did was courier paperwork to the court, some weeks were more eventful. She'd had the job for almost two years, ever since she left the DOJ.

That first week of quarantine, which was mostly just paperwork and not very much of it, was fine. She watched Netflix and did pushups and cleaned out her bedroom closet. She didn't start to feel like she was going stir-crazy until the start of the second week when she started searching online for some kind of information as to how much longer this lockdown was going to last. If this went on for a month, never mind two, she was going to run out of closets to clean out and Netflix to watch. And she wasn't going to run out of pushups, exactly, but pushups were boring to begin with.

Abed's email (and text directing her to check her email) thus fell on fertile soil. An online D&D game? Regular weekly check-ins with other human beings, until the craziness ended? Yes, please. The chance to reconnect with some of her friends she hadn't seen in years was icing on the cake, since Annie would have cheerfully signed up to play with strangers.

There was the possibility of some awkwardness. Her friend group from college had been high on drama, and when she'd left she'd fully intended to return ten weeks later so she hadn't even really said goodbye to everybody. But ten weeks became fifteen weeks became six months, and then she was texting Britta to go ahead and do whatever with her stuff, she'd be back to visit soon, and soon had never come.

Nobody had vanished from the face of the earth or anything. There was a group chat, for instance. The last messages in it were Craig wishing Jeff a happy new year and a general chorus of replies from everybody about how the new year couldn't possibly be worse than the old year. Sure, the new year in question was 2017, but so what? People moved on, people changed. Annie had changed states twice, dated seriously twice, moved in with a guy for one disastrous summer, and upended her career path as many as three times depending on how you counted. Everybody else had no doubt changed and grown and moved on, too.

Like, when Annie had told Britta to do whatever she needed with Annie's old stuff, Britta had said that she'd already gotten rid of some of it and that Frankie was willing to accept the rest of Annie's things into her home alongside all of Britta's things and Britta herself. Which Annie had interpreted as Britta saying she was moving in with Frankie, which Annie wouldn't have predicted, but that was fine. And anyway, now all these years later wherever Britta was sleeping, it wasn't Frankie's guest bedroom, that was something Annie would have bet cash money on.

Or Jeff. Jeff was fine. Wherever he was, whoever he was with, he was fine, probably. Her last text from him was in August of 2018, him telling her that she'd be proud of him, he was leaving Greendale and going to do real work again, and Annie could have sworn that she'd responded with a couple of supportive sentences but there was no record of that on her phone. It might not even be his current number anymore, she had no idea. 

So: some possible awkwardness, but nothing she wasn't prepared to handle. She made sure to shower and dress in a nice top and apply a little makeup, but she would have done that for any Zoom meeting.

Annie felt a twinge of nerves as the app chimed, and then, boom, there everybody was. Basically everybody.

Abed looked exactly the same. He'd probably looked the same in 2000 as in 2010 as in 2020. He was wearing a green t-shirt that he might have worn to Spanish class, that's how exactly the same he looked. The headset was probably new but really, Annie wouldn't have been prepared to swear that Abed hadn't routinely worn a headset back in college. On a wall behind him was part of some kind of mural, mostly yellow and black, maybe part of a spaceship.

Troy looked older, with a headset of his own, plus a mustache and a tired expression. The same starscape mural was behind him, too, because they were quarantining together at their house in LA.

Britta had let her hair go back to its natural wet-sand color and her outfit looked surprisingly coordinated. Also wherever she was living now had a nice home office with a wide-angle webcam that really showed off how nice the home office was.

Shirley had lost some weight and looked exhausted but triumphant, the way you would if you had wrestled with two teenage sons and their nine-year-old brother and a wheelchair-bound second husband to successfully claim the family tablet and a quiet place for the evening.

The whole old gang, more or less. People who at one point had been the most important relationships in her life, a found family whose lives she'd orbited around. Now they were people she used to know, and remembered fondly, but…she didn't even know if Britta was in her own home or if she was at her parents', or if she'd broken into somebody's house and stolen their internet in the name of anarcho-communism.

"Hi guys!" Annie waved. "Am I late?"

"Hi, Annie," said Abed.

"Hey," said Troy.

"You're not late," Britta said, "we're all just ready to get started. We've been going stir-crazy over here."

"Oh, Lord, you don't know how much I've been looking forward to this all week," Shirley declared. "This is  _ me _ time. I told them, I'm closing the door and I'm locking the door and I am not coming out unless the house is on fire!"

"Cool, cool," said Abed.

"Is this everybody, then?" Annie asked, super casually. Abed's email had been vague about who exactly 'the old gang' was. She wouldn't have been surprised to see the dean. Or Ben Chang. Or any of several other people.

"Yeah, Frankie opted out," Britta said. 

"Sorry, who?" Troy turned to his right, addressing someone just off-camera. Abed, obviously.

Abed turned to his left. "You met Frankie. Francesca."

"Oh, right, Francesca." Troy nodded.

Britta shrugged. "Apparently she'd rather have some peace and quiet by herself at the other end of the house while I'm distracted, instead of socializing with all of you guys."

Well, that answered that, Annie thought. 

"Oh, I've never met Frankie but I know how she must feel," Shirley muttered.

"Anyway, I apologize on her behalf. I can run and get her, if you want to say hi, Annie," Britta offered.

Annie wondered briefly what Britta's relationship with Frankie was—were they roommates? A couple? Had Frankie taken pity on Britta and let her hunker in the bunker, until the current crisis was over? There wasn't a good way to ask.

"No, we should get started," Abed said. 

"Tell her I said hi," Annie told Britta. "She'll know what it means."

"First, everybody should introduce their characters. You're starting in a tavern, everybody's strangers, so, just describe what you look like and what you're doing. Troy, you go first."

Troy cleared his throat. "Okay, first off, now that everybody's here, I wanna say thanks for showing up for this," he said with a smile. "We've all got a lot on our minds, and Abed and I thought, hey, why not a little distraction? There's so much uncertainty, at home and abroad—"

Shirley cut him off with a harrumph. "Troy, did you not make a character?"

His smile tightened a bit. "Great to see you too, Shirls, and I'm thrilled to hear all y'all are doing well, or as well as you can in these troubling times—"

"Troy." Shirley sounded more tired than annoyed.

"I made a character," interjected Annie.

"Troy made a character," Abed assured the group. "He made it all by himself and had total creative control over the process and I wasn't even involved until afterwards when he submitted it for approval."

"Dude, I told you, when you say things like that it sounds like you're lying." Troy shifted his attention away from the webcam and did something with his computer. His face was replaced by an image called up from his hard drive: a surprisingly well-done charcoal sketch of Troy in plate armor, holding a long-handled axe and a round shield. "Sir Ector Beaucoup, paladin of the crown. I'm in Tarksas as an agent of the Empire, which everyone can see because I'm wearing my blue cloak of office. I have thirty-one hit points…uh, I guess you wouldn't be able to see that from looking at me. I look like a guy with about thirty-one hit points, you know, pretty good shape."

"Where'd you get the picture?" Britta had put her glasses on and Annie could see it reflected in her lenses.

"Oh, Ashley drew it." Troy didn't seem to think this was worth exploring further.

Britta pressed, though. "And Ashley is…?"

"Ashley is good at drawing, jeez Britta!"

"Where's Tarksas?" Annie asked. She was ninety percent sure there hadn't been any reading assignment she'd missed, but only ninety percent. You could be ninety percent sure about something and still be wrong.

"It's where we're starting out," Troy said. "I only know because Abed told me."

"Moving on," Abed said, "Britta, can you describe your character?"

"I…okay, sure. I'm playing a gnome. She has blue hair and, I don't know, she wears clothes." Britta fidgeted with her glasses while she spoke. "She's like the size of a kindergartener," she added.

"What's her name?" Troy asked.

"Crumples. She's a gnome named Crumples. She's a tumbling fool."

"What?" asked Annie, because she assumed she'd misheard.

"She's a tumbling fool," Britta repeated. 

"Is that a kind of bard?" Annie doubted it could be anything else.

"Bard, yeah. I can juggle, and skywrite, and…" Britta checked something written down in front of her. "I—she can put out fires with her mind."

"Does she do magic?"

"Yeah, I mean, that's how she skywrites and puts fires out."

"Shirley," said Abed.

"I have twelve hit points," Britta said. "I mean, Crumples looks like she has twelve hit points."

"So kind of sickly." Troy nodded thoughtfully.

"I don't know, she's the size of a kindergartener…"

"Shirley," repeated Abed.

"Míriel Serindë glows with an inner light that marks her as a  _ Calaquendë, _ one of those Eldar who bathed in the light of the holy trees Telperion and Laurelin before the darkening of the world," began Shirley.

"Hold on Shirley," said Abed. 

"Is that Bible stuff?" Britta asked suspiciously.

"It's from the  _ Silmarillion," _ Shirley said. Seeing Britta's uncomprehension, she added "By J.R.R. Tolkien?  _ Lord of the Rings? _ Devout Christian fantasy author, witnessed to C.S. Lewis?"

"You read nerd books?" Britta asked, squinting in surprise.

Shirley nodded. "What, I can't have layers?"

"This game is not set in Middle-Earth," Abed said. "Also we talked about this and you have to start at third level same as everybody."

"Oh, Abed," Shirley said in an upbeat, gentle tone, "I was thinking that if I—"

She broke off as a fifth face suddenly appeared on Annie's screen, under the others.

"Hi, guys," said Jeff, "I'd say sorry I'm late and explain, but I'm sure it would just waste time. Did I miss anything?"

"Troy's a knight," Abed answered, "Britta's a fool, and Shirley wants to play Galadriel's badass grandma."

There was a general chorus of hellos for Jeff, which Annie joined in on, but that barely registered. She adjusted her screen to just show him. Just for a second. Jeff looked good. Nice button-down shirt, just enough of a beard, he still had all his hair and he was taking good care of himself and he looked good. He looked nice. 

He was two time zones away and she'd gotten over him a long time ago, but she wasn't dead. She could think he was nice to look at and it could be fine.

"Annie, is your sound out?" Abed asked, and that was when Annie realized people had been talking for a few seconds and she hadn't heard a word of it and it had zero to with her sound being out. Probably it was only a few seconds. She switched her view back to the ensemble.

"Yeah, yes, sorry, there was a…technical difficulty, it's fine now," she said. "Did I miss anything?"

"Jeff is here now," Troy said.

"Hi, Annie," Jeff said.

"Hi, Jeff," Annie said, in an equally casual tone. "I got that, yeah."

Shirley nodded. "Míriel Serindë glows with an inner light that marks her as a  _ Calaquendë, _ one of those Eldar who bathed in the light of the holy trees Telperion and Laurelin before the darkening of the world."

"What?" Jeff asked.

"My character, Míriel," Shirley said. "Don't worry, she's third level, same as all the rest of you. Míriel is an elven sorceress who glows with inner light. Actually she glows with the  _ light  _ cantrip, which she casts on herself every hour so she's always wreathed in starlight."

Abed nodded. "I'll allow it."

"Bathed in holy light, she walks in beauty wherever she goes, and she looks like Beyonce at the 2015 Met Gala. She wears that same dress…" Shirley did something, or tried to, and frowned. "Sorry, it should be…just google Beyonce's dress at the 2015 Met Gala."

Annie did so. "Oh, wow."

Britta gasped. Even through the wide-angle webcam, Annie could see Beyonce—Beyonce was extremely visible, reflected in Britta's glasses.

"Do they even have fabric that's sheer like that in D&D?" Troy asked Abed.

"I'll allow it."

"Míriel has seventeen hit points, I don't know why we're making a thing out of that, but there you go, seventeen," Shirley said.

"I should have found a picture for Crumples," Britta grumbled. "I'll have something for next time."

"Don't worry about it," Abed assured her. "Annie, Jeff, you guys are up."

"Okay sure," Annie said quickly. "I'm playing Carmen the barbarian. That seemed more clever before I said it out loud. She's a human woman in," Annie swallowed, "leather armor and boots and she has a two-handed sword."

"And how many hit points does she look like she has?" Troy asked.

"Thirty-four."

"Nice!"

"Troy the knight, Britta the fool, Shirley is Beyonce, Annie's a berserker, that just leaves Jeff. Jeff?"

There was a pause before Jeff responded. "My character, right. Half-elf, priest of Tyr, chain mail," Jeff said. "Name's Brother Fej and I've got twenty-one hit points. Despite spending hours today sitting in front of my computer searching for pictures of a half-elf cleric in chainmail who doesn't look like a dweeb, I'm afraid I do not have a picture either. I know you're all on the verge of tears, but we can get through this, together."

"Let's keep it moving, we've got a lot of ground to cover," Abed said. "The game begins in the bandit-ridden scum-hive of Tarksas, as Troy indicated. It's the last settlement at the edge of the Desert of Lop, technically it's part of the Empire but the locals don't pay their taxes. Caravans stop here on their way across the desert, bearing spices and oils and liquors and silks and valuable electronics to and from distant ports. Bandits also stop here on their way from robbing caravans out in the desert, which is a huge conflict of interest for the Tarksas chamber of commerce, as the locals try to support two wildly divergent populations of commercial travelers. It's the only place for many dozens of miles in every direction that can sell you a hot shower, a cold beer, or a new broadsword. And the worst cantina is the unnamed one at the edge of the town, by the caravansary, which is where the camels sleep. And that's where Sir Ector walks in."

There was a long pause. "Oh, right," said Troy. "Sir Ector, that's me. I walk into the cantina and look around, because I know I'm going to need to hire some help for my mission. Who else is here?"

"None of the other players are, yet," Abed said quickly before anyone else could respond. "There's two distinct knots of locals, at opposite ends of the taproom. A surly-looking barback is washing mugs. She eyes you as you enter but says nothing."

"She? Is she cute?"

"She's a wizened old desert halfling," said Abed. "Years in the dry heat have turned her skin leathery and prematurely wrinkled. What's left of her hair is stringy and unkempt, and her clothes are all stained with unwholesome colors."

"So not cute, okay." Troy seemed disappointed. "Or I don't know, none of that is a dealbreaker, necessarily. I pull the hood of my cloak down over my face and step up to the bar, order a seven-and-seven and see what I get."

"You get a seven-and-seven and a suspicious glare. Then, Carmen enters."

Annie perked up. "I do? Sure. I take in the scene. What can you tell me about the two groups at opposite ends of the bar?"

"They both look unfriendly. There are six dwarves on the left and seven tabaxi on the right, muttering among themselves and drinking heavily."

"Question," said Shirley. "What's a tabaxi?"

"Cat people," said Abed. "Carmen, what do you do?"

"I guess I step to the bar and order a drink," Annie answered. "I don't even know…can I get a margarita?"

" 'Margarita,' " repeated Abed in a derisive tone. " 'Look who's all hoity-toity, thinks we have margarita mix,' the barback snarls at you."

"Tequila sunrise, then?" It was the first thing that popped into Annie's head.

"The barback makes you a tequila sunrise. It's not very good."

"I have to say I'm rethinking my decision to drink here," Annie said.

There was a clattering sound as Abed rolled a die. "Okay, it's a good cocktail. Jeff, you can come in now."

Jeff grunted. "Brother Fej ignores the low-key hostility of the establishment. Are we arriving together, or just one after the other, or some third thing?"

"Everybody's arriving separately. You don't know anyone in town, remember."

Jeff nodded. "I see Carmen among the strangers and approach her."

Typical Jeff, thought Annie. Goes into a bar, zeroes in on the girl with the big leather boots alone among the dwarves and cat-people. "I've turned to the bartender and I'm asking her how she's doing."

"Roll Insight," said Abed.

Britta made a confused noise. "I know both those words but—oh, right, we're playing D&D."

"I don't actually have dice yet," Annie said. She'd ordered a set to be delivered to her house but it wouldn't arrive before Tuesday.

"You can use mine," offered Shirley. "That won't work. Never mind."

"I'll roll for you," Abed said. "Does anyone else not have dice?"

As Jeff and Britta raised their hands, there was another die-clatter. "Seventeen, plus your bonus of zero. The barback sighs and admits that she's under a lot of stress right now, what with the two warring factions of bandit-rowdies terrorizing the city. Her name is Monica Crumbhustle. Monica warns you that the cantina is a pretty rough place, lots of fights, she's seen too much violence and death for someone in a badly-paid service job. Then she sees Fej over your, Carmen's, shoulder. 'What'll it be?' "

" 'Whisky, and the lady's cocktail.' I slide over a couple of gold pieces."

"Carmen turns around and sees Fej for the first time. Her eyes narrow suspiciously," Annie said.

Jeff smiled. " 'How unexpected to see someone like you somewhere like this.' "

Annie was of two minds. On the one hand, it was kind of hilarious that the first thing Jeff did in the game was try to pick her up. On the other…" 'I think you've mistaken me for someone else,' Carmen says coldly. 'Thanks for the drink, though.' "

" 'Carmen, please. You're angry and you have every right to be, but at least let me buy you a drink.' "

" 'I did let you buy me a drink! I'm just not letting you use that as an excuse to keep talking to me.' Carmen turns away from Fej and back to Monica the bartender. 'I can handle myself, see?' "

"I'm sipping my drink and watching this unfold," Troy said.

Abed cleared his throat. " 'I'm confused,' says Monica Crumbhustle. 'Do you two know each other?' "

"Yes," said Jeff, at the same time that Annie said "no."

" 'Carmen, I'm trying to be civil—' "

Annie decided to just lean into it. " 'Civil? Is that what you call it, Fej? You're a cleric of Tyr! We didn't exactly part on the best of terms, and now you come waltzing into the same cantina as me—' "

"This is a public place. And apparently it's the only spot to get a drink for literally hundreds of miles. Speaking of, did Monica bring me the scotch? I down it in one shot, not breaking eye contact with Carmen."

"Does he need to make a Constitution check to do that without coughing and looking like a dweeb?" asked Troy.

"Now I'm confused," said Shirley. "I thought we all didn't know each other. Also, Lord knows I am patient, but when am I going to get to join the game?"

"And Britta!" said Britta.

"Wait, you said we don't know anyone in town, do we also not know each other?" Jeff asked. "I must have missed that part. I assumed we were all acquainted, so we could skip a bunch of tedious introductions. We can roll it back."

"It's fine, let's keep moving. Fej and Carmen know each other, everyone else are strangers, Miriel enters the bar now," said Abed. "And Britta."

"Míriel Serindë enters and all eyes are drawn to her," Shirley declared. "She scans the crowded bar and spots the best-looking man in the place, then keeps his attention as she approaches. Whose Charisma is higher, Troy's or Jeff's?"

"Troy, he's got a sixteen," Abed answered, which prompted a flurry of small motions from Jeff as he no doubt checked his character sheet and weighed options for boosting Charisma.

"So Míriel sidles up to Sir Ector and smiles beneficently. 'Buy me a drink?' she asks, because I spent literally all of her starting gold on the dress and she's penniless."

"Oh! I have a thing for that!" Britta waved her hands excitedly. "I step into the bar and blow my mellophone to get everybody's attention. 'Good lords and ladies, huzzah and well met, I come to you not as a beggar but as a merchant selling smiles!' And then, pies."

"What do you mean, pies?" Shirley asked.

"I start juggling pies! It's a Perform check, right? I got a…" Britta rolled a die, just off-screen. "Two."

"Two plus your skill of plus six makes eight. Crumples the fool makes an ass of herself," Abed said.

"Wait, no. That's not right. Twenty-two. I rolled a sixteen, plus six. Twenty-two."

"You said two and you meant sixteen?" Shirley sounded dubious.

Britta looked away from the camera, as if she couldn't meet their gazes. "Yeah."

"Wait, didn't you just say you don't have dice?" Jeff asked her.

"They're Frankie's nephew's dice that got left here."

"Does Frankie's nephew know you have his dice?"

"Crumples the fool does some remarkable juggling, like a cheetah but for juggling instead of sprinting," Abed said. "Everybody's extremely impressed. Roll initiative."

Annie leaned forward, confused. "Wait, what?"

"I can't even get a drink and meanwhile Britta's entrance is so impressive a fight breaks out?" Shirley asked incredulously.

"I'll buy Shirley a drink, I'm generous like that," Troy declared. "I'll even roll for Jeff and Annie."

"Does everybody need to roll, or just Britta?" Jeff asked. "I'm just standing at the bar having a quiet drink with an old friend."

" 'Oh, we're old friends, are we?' " Annie asked him, in character. " 'After what you said to me that night at the waterfall?' "

Jeff looked nonplussed and gave a little shrug. Annie would have liked to demand a fuller explanation for what Jeff thought Carmen's and Fej's backstory was, but the onset of a fight scene was hardly the time.

There were a few moments of discord as everybody rolled initiative (or told Troy their initiative modifiers). Annie was pleased her initiative bonus was higher than Jeff's, not that it mattered.

"As Ector buys Shirley's drink.." Abed began.

Shirley raised a hand. "Míriel would like a glass of white wine, for what it's worth."

"Monica Crumbhustle has to bend down and look under the bar for a wine glass," Abed said, and rolled a die. "And then a dagger flies through the bar, past the dwarves, past Fej, past Carmen, right into Ector, for…eleven damage. Carmen, you're first to react. Somebody's running from the corner of the bar where the dagger was thrown towards the exit."

"Is there a back exit?" Annie asked.

"Probably not, most buildings in Tarksas are terrible firetraps because there's no code enforcement," Abed answered.

"I move to intercept the runner. What do they look like? Can I attack them?"

"The runner is a slender human man in a red jacket. You don't immediately recognize him. He's got another dagger in his hand that matches the one that flew past your face. Are you tackling him, or drawing steel?"

"I'll slice him up. He threw a knife at my head."

"He threw a knife  _ near  _ your head." Abed rolled a die. "Unfortunately you roll a three, and miss. The pack of dwarves that the human ran through go next. They mobilize, throw down their mugs and pull out hammers, and start shouting about blood and thunder and how they're going to kill the Coyote's crew. One rushes Carmen, and…misses. Another engages with Fej and…hits, for five damage. The rest are sorting themselves into combat mode."

Troy shifted in his seat. "Are we the Coyote's crew?" he asked. "Am I the Coyote? Do I have a cool nickname I haven't even heard about?"

"As far as any of you know, none of you are the Coyote," said Abed. "Crumples, you're up."

"Oh! Okay. Okay." There was a long pause as Britta shuffled through papers. "I cast a spell," she decided.

There was another pause. "Which spell?" Abed eventually asked.

"Um.  _ Charm person." _ Britta shook her head. "No,  _ dissonant whispers… _ No,  _ charm person. Charm person, _ final answer."

Abed rolled a die. "He makes his save, so nothing happens."

"Dammit," muttered Britta.

"The cat people on the other side of the bar go next. They basically do the same thing the dwarves did, in the opposite direction, and their shouts are all about how they'll heroically defend the honor of the Coyote. Miriel and Ector both get attacked…" Abed rolled several dice. "Shirley, you take six damage."

"Míriel was just standing there!" Shirley protested. Annie could sympathize; she'd just been standing there, too.

"Monica Crumbhustle did warn Carmen that a fight was going to break out any minute," Abed said.

"Míriel casts  _ web," _ snapped Shirley.

"It's actually Ector's initiative. Troy?"

Troy looked pained. "I gotta go after the guy who tried to kill me," he said. "Sorry, Shirley."

"What, you're leaving me alone against a bunch of coyote-cat-people?"

"I'm only going, what, twenty feet?" Troy shifted his attention to Abed. "Can I close with the red-jacket-daggers guy?"

"The tabaxi who attacked you before will get a swing in, but yes."

"Yeah, I'll do that," Troy said.

"What are the cat-people armed with?" Annie asked.

"Knives. The tabaxi tries to stab you and…misses. Then you try to hit the human man."

Troy rolled dice. "Seventeen with my longsword, eleven damage if I connect."

"You do, he doesn't like that but he's still up. He looks panicky. Shirley, your turn."

"Míriel raises her hands and sings a song of magic." Shirley pantomimed a grandiose gesture. "The song is a spell of sleeping.  _ Sleep. _ Míriel casts  _ sleep, _ as a second-level spell." Shirley rolled some dice and added some numbers. "Twenty-two," she announced, which meant nothing to Annie. "I was really hoping for better."

"The two tabaxi closest to you, the one who attacked you and the one who attacked Troy, collapse to the ground. Jeff?"

"Hmm?" Jeff snapped to attention and out of some reverie. "My turn? I  _ bless  _ Carmen, Ector, and myself, and…Carmen, clearly we've had our differences, but you trust me, right?"

Annie sat up a little straighter. "I beg your pardon?"

"I'm a Tyrian cleric, and so I have this class feature," Jeff continued, leaning back in his chair and speaking with a practiced casualness. "Voice of Authority. You know me, so you know this about me."

"Okay," Annie said. It wasn't at all clear where he was going with this.

"Annie, do you make the attack?" Abed asked.

Jeff threw up his hands. "Abed, hold on."

Annie shook her head. "What's happening, here?"

"Voice of Authority says, when I cast a spell on you, an ally can make a free attack on a target I designate. Just one ally per spell and Carmen has the big two-hander so you're the obvious choice. Ergo Fej signals for Carmen to kill the red-jacket guy."

"But I already attacked this round," Annie protested.

"It's an extra attack. Free bonus hit. Potentially double your damage."

Annie considered. "I suppose under the circumstances I can set aside our disagreement and, what, admit how authoritative your voice is? Obey your command?"

"Suggestion," Jeff said. "Or however you feel comfortable framing it."

Abed rolled some dice. "Carmen swings. With the extra d4 from the  _ Bless  _ it's a hit, for…fifteen damage. The human male drops. He spends his action lying on the ground bleeding. That's the end of the first round of combat. At the start of the second round, the bar can be split into three zones: dwarf zone, middle zone, tabaxi zone. Carmen, Ector, and Fej are on the line between the dwarves and the middle, Miriel is on the line between the middle and the tabaxi, Crumples the jester is in the middle zone. A couple of the tabaxi are close enough to stab their knives at Miriel but they're on the ground unconscious, and a couple of the dwarves are close enough to swing their hammers at Fej and Carmen. Carmen, you're first in the order."

"This dwarf-tabaxi thing isn't really my fight," mused Annie. "Is Redjacket alive or did I kill him? If he's alive I'll bend over, scoop him up, throw him over my shoulder. A dwarf tried to hit me, so I'll hit them…If I'm using one hand to hold the body, then…can I kick the dwarf, knock them back?"

"You can try." Abed rolled a few dice. "Carmen wipes her boot off on the dwarf's face for five damage but the dwarf has too low a center of gravity to be knocked back."

"Then I make for the door," Annie said.

"You are out of actions. The dwarf you just kicked hammers at you…for six damage," Abed narrated, rolling dice. "One attacks Fej and…misses, and one attacks Ector and…hits for five more damage. The others are moving around you guys, towards the tabaxi. Britta, it's your turn."

"I cast…um, I throw a pie," Britta said.

"You throw a pie?" Troy repeated.

"Yeah. At the dwarf attacking Troy!" Britta rolled one of Frankie's nephew's dice. "Does a sixteen hit?"

Abed nodded.

She rolled again. "Two, no, three damage!"

"Crumples the jester throws a pie for three damage," Abed said flatly. "The tabaxi go next. They surge forward and wake up the two that Shirley put to sleep. One gets close enough to stab at Miriel, and one gets over to where the dwarves are charging up and they start to melee…She misses Miriel."

Britta perked up. "She?"

"All dwarves are boys, all cats are girls, Britta," Troy said as if this were common knowledge.

Abed said "Troy, you're up."

"I like Annie's leaving idea," Troy said. "Who's furthest from the door out?"

"While y'all are all hitting dwarves, Míriel has a half-dozen catgirls breathing down her neck," Shirley said.

"Shirley, yeah," said Abed.

"Okay. I'll move back over to Shirley and pound one of the tabaxi, to cover her."

"The dwarf will get another free swing—"

"I know, I know, man, maybe I didn't plan this out so great but it'll be okay, I have armor and a shield and fifteen of my thirty-one hit points."

Abed rolled a die. "Ouch," he said, and rolled some more. "The dwarf crits you for eight damage."

Troy grunted in annoyance. He rolled a die and grunted again. "And I miss the catgirl, great."

"I can see I'm going to have to solve this catgirl problem myself," Shirley declared. "Míriel spins the ravenous gloom of Ungoliant, hungry unlight, casting the catgirl end of the bar into magical constriction, such that the very air binds Míriel's foes…" Seeing blank looks, she sighed. "Míriel casts  _ web  _ ."

"Miriel casts  _ web  _ ," repeated Abed, plainly relieved by the clarification. "That whole end of the bar is engulfed in magical spiderwebs, ensnaring all the tabaxi."

Shirley made a self-satisfied little coo. "Then Míriel hikes up her skirt and runs for the door."

"You can make it most of the way to the door, but you were up at the bar, so you can't get all the way out this turn," said Abed. "Fej, your action."

"Bonus action to put a  _ sanctuary  _ on myself, then I move out with Carmen and Shirley," said Jeff.

Abed rolled a die. "The dwarf you were engaged with can't attack you, so you get away from him cleanly. He curses your foul magic. You still have your action left."

"Right, I cast  _ cure wounds  _ on Ector," Jeff said.

"Hey, thanks man," said Troy. 

Abed shook his head no. "If you cast a spell as a bonus action you can't use your action to cast anything but a cantrip."

"I know I think of  _ cure wounds  _ as a cantrip," Jeff tried, but Abed wouldn't budge. "Fine, then…  _ guidance  _ on Carmen. I liked watching you kick a dwarf, do it again please."

"I do so," Annie said quickly.

Abed rolled. "Carmen kicks the dwarf in the throat and…he collapses to the ground. That closes out the second round. Carmen, Fej, Crumples, and Miriel are all by the exit, Ector is a little further back. There's a downed dwarf at Carmen's feet, the others are nearby and angry. Meanwhile, all the tabaxi are ensnared in spiderwebs. Round three, Carmen, you're up."

"We're leaving, right?" Annie asked. There were murmurs of assent. "I'll move to the door and cover everybody on the way out, since I haven't taken any damage. If there's a dwarf I can hit, I will, but otherwise I'll guard."

"The dwarves shove past, towards the tabaxi. One of them grabs a lamp off a table and tosses it at the spiderwebs. They go up in a sudden burst of flames," said Abed.

Shirley clucked her tongue. "The raw unlight of Ungoliant is flammable?"

"Extremely flammable. The tabaxi start burning up, the fire is going to spread to the rest of the building very soon. Britta, you're up."

Britta squinted at her screen. "I, uh…oh! I put the fire out. I cast  _ Pyrotechnics  _ and put the fire out! There's a dazzling fireworks display!" She made jazz hands. "Then I leave."

"Thanks to Crumples's quick action, the fire goes out and the cantina doesn't burn down," Abed said. "The catgirls writhe in their magical bondage—"

Annie winced. "Abed!" she said, in chorus with Shirley and Britta.

"The tabaxi that free themselves move to fight the dwarves," Abed concluded. "Troy?"

"Can I get out without getting hit by anybody?" Troy asked.

"Maybe," said Abed. "One of the tabaxi tries to knife you as you pass, but she's rolling with disadvantage because of the webs…that's a miss. Shirley?"

"Míriel books it."

"As do I," said Jeff. "Which just leaves Carmen, right behind me. You are right behind me, right?"

Annie nodded. "Yeah, no reason to stick around."

"Great," said Abed. "You guys flee from the bar as it does  _ not  _ burn down, letting the catgirls and the dwarves duke it out. Monica Crumbhustle hides under the bar and thinks about how it's just another typical Wednesday night at Chili's."


	2. He literally hadn't recognized her

"Wait," said Troy. "That was a Chili's?"

"It's just a name," Abed responded. "What's your next move?"

"We need to catch a breath, learn everybody's name, question the prisoner, and so on," Jeff said. "What's nearby?"

Abed shrugged. "Chili's is at the edge of Tarksas, so mostly warehouses and tenements in one direction, and open desert in the other."

"Warehouse would be locked," Annie mused. "Tenement would be full of people."

"Warehouse sounds better," Jeff said. "Maybe a ruined or abandoned one? Doesn't need to be in any kind of order, just off the street before more dwarves or tabaxi or cops show up."

"Míriel does not want to camp out in a burned-over shell of an abandoned sand warehouse," Shirley grumbled. "She's used to finer things."

"On the other hand you literally have no money because you spent it on that dress," Troy pointed out. "It's an awesome dress, don't get me wrong."

Shirley nodded, conceding the point.

"Abed, can we go to an abandoned warehouse nearby?" Jeff asked.

"That's an Investigation check to find it…Crumples has the highest Investigation," Abed said. "Do you want to roll it?"

"Oh, uh, yeah, sure." Britta rolled a die. "Nine plus four is thirteen."

"Crumples knows there's an abandoned sand warehouse a block away. The lock is broken but there aren't usually squatters," Abed said.

"Sounds amazing," said Jeff. "We go there."

"Okay, you're inside the abandoned sand warehouse."

Troy cleared his throat. "I'll start. 'My name's Ector, everybody, and thanks for escaping that bar fight and capturing this dude with me.' "

"Míriel Serindë introduces herself and graciously accepts Ector's thanks," Shirley announced.

"Didn't we already…? 'I'm Crumples, the tumbling fool,' " said Britta. "And then I do some cartwheels."

"Roll Acrobatics," said Abed.

Britta did. "Seven, plus five is twelve."

"Crumples performs adequate cartwheels."

" 'And I'm Fej, and the lady with the body slung over her shoulders is Carmen. Can—' "

" 'I can speak for myself, Fej,' " Annie interrupted, snarling a little, like 'Fej' was a cruel nickname. She'd actually forgotten she was carrying a prisoner, though. "I toss the body down so we can examine him."

"The human male in the red jacket lands heavily on the sand. He's stable, but out until tomorrow morning, or until someone uses healing magic on him."

"Oh, hey, speaking of. I wanna touch-hands myself for fifteen, then  _ cure wounds  _ Carmen for…" Troy rolled a die, frowned, rolled again. "Two  _ cures  _ for a grand total of eight. Then I top Míriel off with my last  _ cure  _ for…five."

"Míriel is still down one, but that's fine," said Shirley. "It's fine. It's just one point. It's fine."

"I'll heal Míriel," said Fej. "And myself, since Ector got Annie. I should still have a  _ cure  _ left over for the prisoner."

Abed nodded. "Is that what you're doing?"

"Let's search him first," suggested Annie.

"That's Investigation again," said Abed.

"Crumples searches the body." Britta rolled without prompting. "Thirteen plus four is seventeen."

"He's got a couple of daggers and an almost-empty coin purse," said Abed.

"Plus the jacket," pointed out Troy.

"I'm pretty sure we shredded the jacket when we hit him with swords," Annie said.

"Oh, yeah." Troy seemed disappointed.

"Before I wake him up," said Jeff, "Ector, can you tell us anything about why a guy might throw a knife at you?"

"Well, I'm a pretty dangerous dude, it stands to reason he'd want to ambush me…" Troy thought a moment. "I guess it might have something to do with my mission. The one that I was hoping to recruit a party of adventurers to help me with, when I went into that Chili's. Hint hint."

" 'What's the mission?' " Jeff started to ask, but Annie spoke over him.

" 'Fej and I are in,' " she said, extremely firmly. " 'Don't you give me that look,' " she said to her webcam. " 'You owe me.' "

" 'Do I, though?' " Jeff's words were more arch than his tone. Annie could tell he was smiling without looking.

" 'The mission,' " Troy said, trying to regain focus. He looked down at a sheet of paper in his hands. " 'The mission. The mission is a rescue mission to the Lost City of Casablanca. The Imperial Guild of Wayfarers chartered a team into the Lost City and they haven't been seen since. We get there, we find them, we get them out or avenge their deaths.' "

"Everybody except Troy roll History against DC twelve," Abed said. He rolled some dice. "Carmen and Fej fail."

Only Crumples succeeded, as it turned out. "Britta, you know that the Lost City of Casablanca is a legendary adventure site somewhere in the western badlands, capital of a powerful and technologically advanced ancient civilization that got smashed by gods or demons or a meteor or something. There have been many rumors about it and the occasional artifact has worked its way out to civilization, but the city itself remains a big question mark, partly because it's resistant to scrying magic and partly because it's supposed to be infested with crazy snake-people."

"Well, that sounds like fun, I guess," Britta said. " 'Crazy' is a problematic pejorative—"

"Míriel speculates that successful completion of this mission might win her a recommendation to the Imperial court," Shirley said, "so she's in, too."

"And like I said, Jeff and I are in, so that's everybody," said Annie.

Jeff nodded absently. "So none of that explains why this guy tried to kill Ector, or why he was waiting at the Chili's, or…anything."

"Maybe someone would rather the lost city stay lost? Or the lost expedition stay…lost," guessed Annie. "Wake him up so we can ask."

"Yeah, okay," said Jeff.  _ "Cure wounds  _ on the guy whose name we don't know. 'Hey! Guy! What's your name?' "

Abed coughed heartily. " 'Wha-what? Fethry, my name is Fethry…who are you?' "

"Míriel smiles warmly and waves to Fethry," said Shirley. "She introduces herself and signals for Ector to stay out of Fethry's line of sight. Míriel convinces Fethry that she and her servants saved him from the bluecloak, and—"

Abed interrupted her. "Roll Deception."

Shirley rolled a die. "Twenty-four. Míriel convinces Fethry that she and her servants saved him from the bluecloak, and that he needs to fill her in completely on his mission."

"Twenty-four?" Annie double-checked her character sheet, but no, Carmen couldn't hit a twenty-four even if she rolled a natural twenty on the die.

"Míriel is very persuasive," Shirley explained.

"Fethry has nothing to hide at this point," said Abed. "Goldheart, the head of Fethry's Imperial house, which is also called Goldheart, wants the lost expedition to stay lost because, as everybody knows, she and Old Tavish had a brief affair that ended bitterly."

There was a murmur of confusion. "Old Tavish?"

"The leader of the lost expedition," Abed explained. "Old Tavish, the merchant-explorer; his niece and nephew Cora and Caldwell; Cora's three sons Fish, Gish, and Hish; their guide the Widow Penderghast, the Widow's granddaughter Webbigail, and also Caldwell's girlfriend Daisy."

Jeff made a skeptical noise. "Did you say 'Webbigail?' "

"Abed, dear, are we on a mission to rescue the cast of  _ Duck Tales?" _ Shirley asked, more gently than Annie wanted to.

"Inspiration can come from many fronts," Abed said.

Shirley leaned in. "So 'Goldheart' is more 'Glittering Goldheart,' or just 'Glittering Goldie,' maybe?"

Abed shrugged. "I'm not great with names and I don't see a reason to belabor that point."

"Whatever," said Jeff. "I don't know what you're talking about because I'm much too cool to be familiar with a children's cartoon, even a remake of a children's cartoon from my childhood."

"Míriel appreciates Fethry's trust," Shirley said brightly, "and would like to secure the alliance of House Goldheart. What can she and her servants do to assist Fethry with his mission?"

" 'I don't…I don't know,' Fethry says," Abed said. " 'I know Goldheart is working with the Coyote's people, and cousin Gladstone was supposed to meet me at the Chili's, he should—' Fethry's interrupted by a knock at the warehouse door. He looks around. 'Oh, that's probably Gladstone now.' "

"We need to run," Shirley declared.

"Does this place have a back door?" Jeff asked.

"Does it matter?" Shirley asked.

"There's a tunnel under the building that runs out to the caravansary," Abed said.

"I still have plenty of spell slots," Britta said, "maybe we fight?"

"You can," Shirley told her. "Míriel is leaving."

"What's the big deal?" Britta persisted.

"Google Gladstone Gander!" cried Shirley.

"I think we all take this tunnel," Annie said. "We can keep moving and head out of town immediately. Do we want to bring Fethry?"

"I think we've gotten everything we're going to from him," Jeff answered.

"So we should—" Shirley broke off when something in her room started buzzing. "Damn it. I have to go."

"Yeah, it's getting late," Annie said, glancing at the clock. "Eastern time, anyway."

"When can we pick this up?" Troy asked.

There was a chorus of answers ranging from 'tomorrow' to 'next Monday' to 'whenever, it's not like I'm going anywhere.' Shirley insisted she wouldn't get another window of time to herself until Thursday.

"Can we all do Thursday? Five, Pacific time?" Abed asked. "Thursday? Thursday?"

Annie nodded.

"Thursday, great," Jeff said.

"It was great seeing everybody," Annie said.

"Oh my, yes, I've missed this," Shirley said. She scowled at someone or something out of view of her webcam. "I have to go," she added, and abruptly dropped out.

"You know, even if Gladstone has the Lucky feat and, like, extra luck, he's probably not an unstoppable murder machine," Britta said. "I bet we can take him."

"Maybe," Annie said. "But right now Jeff and Troy are out of spells."

"All right, I mean, I'm not going to try to talk to him by myself," Britta said. Then she considered. "Although…"

"We can figure that out on Thursday," said Jeff. "And yeah, it was great seeing you again," he added, and disconnected.

Annie felt the muscles in her shoulders relax a little, which surprised her because she hadn't noticed they'd been tensed. "So, Britta," she tried, "you're still crashing on Frankie's couch?"

Britta scoffed. "Uh, I guess that's one way to—"

"Night, guys," Abed said, and closed the meeting.

"Damn it, Abed," Annie exclaimed, "we were still talking!" But of course he couldn't hear her.

Thursday, she thought. Maybe they would just meet twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays, until April 15th. Or whenever the mass quarantine ended. May 1st, May 15th, whenever. She could handle that. She'd just seen Jeff Winger for the first time in five years and it had been totally cool and relaxed and smooth, and whatever the opposite of awkward was, after all.

Annie wondered, not for the first time since 2015 but for the first time in a long time, whether Jeff was single. Who he was quarantining with, whether he was alone like she was…no, that didn't seem likely. He'd seemed well, at least. He was fine. She'd known he was going to be fine.

#

Jeff sat alone in his apartment for what turned out to be about an hour, calming down and having a drink and reviewing what had happened.

He hadn't recognized her at first. He literally hadn't recognized her for a few seconds. There was some pretty woman, probably in her thirties, pale with dark hair, gorgeous, a stranger there among all his former friends. He'd just had time to clock her as some Hollywood acquaintance of Troy and Abed's, curious about this D&D thing…and then suddenly she spoke and it was like seeing a Magic Eye image resolve. Boom, Annie Edison the grown-up.

She wasn't married—Jeff hadn't seen a ring—but she had a boyfriend. Obviously she had a boyfriend, she'd very clearly moved on a long time ago and there was no chance she wouldn't have a boyfriend.

When she'd left, he had expected her to come back soon. And she had meant to, he knew, but then there was a job offer and no time. It was very understandable. He hadn't really been surprised. Deeply, profoundly disappointed, yes, but not surprised.

At first there had been a steady stream of social media posts and text messages, but the text messages slowed to a trickle and eventually stopped. And one day she had tweeted that she was leaving social media, and then she'd vanished from social media. Presumably something to do with her employment, but even by then there had been too much of a gulf for him to text and ask. He heard secondhand that she'd moved from DC to someplace else in that time zone, and that she was seeing a guy and planning to move in with him. That had been, what, two years ago? Jeff had tried sending her a text then, just to say hi, but she hadn't responded. Probably she'd never seen it, he'd decided, at the time. He had barely even thought about her since, not until the email from Abed and the text from Abed telling him to check his email.

Meanwhile he was doing fine. Back in private practice, pulling in solid money, doing work he enjoyed. He lived alone, he didn't try dating anymore and he never participated in shenanigans, but on the whole these were things he was comfortable with. He hadn't been unhappy. He'd barely even thought about her. Her, and her career and house out in Georgia or Florida or wherever, and her boyfriend or fiancé by now who was probably a great guy.

He was weighing the pros and cons of contacting her on a separate channel from the gaming group, just a quick email, when he saw she'd already sent an email.

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Abed, Troy, Britta2001@wethepeoplemail.com, Shirley, Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Hi guys!! _

_ That was so much fun and it was great seeing everybody! Abed, can we set up a discord or something to make planning and discussion easier? Also, is this everybody's current email? I'm particularly thinking maybe the one I have for Britta is out of date. See you on Tuesday! _

This was quickly followed up.

_ FROM: Abed _

_ To: Annie, Britta _

_ CC: Troy, Britta2001@wethepeoplemail.com, Shirley, Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Re: Hi guys!! _

_ This is Britta's email. I will set up a Discord Server for coordinating the game, details to follow. _

Jeff started to reply to Annie's email, but after staring at a blank screen for what felt like several hours he gave up and went to bed.

THURSDAY 26 MARCH 2020—DAY 13 OF LOCKDOWN

True to his word, Abed set up a Discord server, but using it to get information out of people was pulling teeth. Jeff hadn't even registered. Abed registered, since it was his server, but he hadn't posted anything past "#general is for general chat and #game is for game chat," which wasn't helpful.

  
  


**TroyBarnes hopped into the server.**

**Welcome annie. Say hi!**

**annie**

Hi!

**Britta just landed.**

**Britta**

hi

**annie**

Hi!

**(1 Sunglasses: Britta)**

**ShirleyB hopped into the server.**

**ShirleyB**

Hello!

**annie**

Hi!

I feel silly saying hi over and over again, what's new?

**ShirleyB**

Homeschooling is much harder than the videos make it seem

Elijah and Jordan both graduated a few years ago but Ben is missing third grade. I'm supposed to be teaching and let me tell you it is not as easy as those homeschooling videos make it look

Brian is no help

I mean he tries and I love him but he can't keep track of which milk is skim and which is 2%

Is anyone at home alone? I envy you

**annie**

Yeah it's just me here. I was thinking about getting a dog.

**ShirleyB**

Oh, dogs are nice, you should get one if you're thinking about it

I would have thought you would be living with your man though

**annie**

Nope! I'm alone.

Britta are you staying with Frankie?

**Britta**

Yeah

I mean I live here

**annie**

You and Frankie are roommates?

**Britta**

I guess that's one way 2 put it

Why?

**(1 Thinking face: Britta)**

**ShirleyB**

I don't know Frankie but I am wondering

She sounds very sweet I'm sure

**(1 Blush: Britta)**

**annie**

So you're not just roommates?

**ShirleyB**

Which would of course be your choice

I don't judge

**(1 Angel: Britta)**

**Britta**

If u feel like u have to ask doesn't that make u a homophobe?

**annie**

**@Britta** are you and Frankie a couple or are you messing with us?

**ShirleyB**

???

???

Also  **@Britta** how are you doing that with the little faces?

Never mind, I figured it out.

**(1 Angel: ShirleyB)**

**TroyBarnes**

How's everybody holding up?

**ShirleyB**

I haven't seen Elijah or Jordan in a week. They are supposedly essential workers so they're staying together in the den and quarantining from Brian because he's in a high-risk group

**annie**

What do they do?

**ShirleyB**

Elijah installs cable and Jordan bags groceries

**TroyBarnes**

That sounds rough.

**annie**

**@TroyBarnes** how are you and Abed handling it? I knew you were sharing a house.

**ShirleyB**

Everybody's just sinning, sinning, sinning.

**@annie** , take it from me: when you do move in with your man, marry him. It gives you valuable legal and tax protections and no-fault divorce is the norm in all fifty states

**annie**

**@ShirleyB** Kind of premature but okay, good advice I'm sure.

**TroyBarnes**

**@ShirleyB** Are you suggesting Abed and I get married?

**ShirleyB**

It might be wise from a fiscal perspective

**(1 Bride_with_veil: ShirleyB)**

**TroyBarnes**

I don't know how Ashley would feel about that. She's staying here for the duration of the crisis at least.

**Britta**

And Ashley is…?

**TroyBarnes**

You don't know her, she's only done like local commercial work I think

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1534j00/

Ashley didn't want to shelter at home alone and we have four bedrooms and she was coming over pretty much every day anyway.

Her living here has been an adjustment but we're handling it, we've got regular date nights on a schedule.

#

Ugh. It was like pulling teeth, trying to get information about Britta and Abed and Troy and Jeff's personal lives. Jeff hadn't even joined the stupid chat server, Britta was messing with them, and nobody cared about stupid Shirley's stupid kids.

Annie closed her eyes and took a breath. She didn't mean that. She vaguely remembered liking Shirley's kids. Annie had barely ever seen them anyway.

Eight o'clock Eastern, time for the game. Annie started trying to get in several minutes early but Abed didn't open the meeting until 8:04. Or maybe the problem was on her end. Either way, she was the last into the meeting.

"…nobody else's business," said Shirley. "Annie agrees with me, I'm sure."

"Annie thinks you're a busybody," Britta declared, "because she's smart like that!"

"Hi, guys, Annie doesn't think anybody is anything," Annie said quickly.

"Well, I'm sure that's not true, Annie, you're allowed to have opinions about things, it's not like you've been nominated to the Supreme Court," Shirley said primly.

"Hello, everybody! Happy quaran-times," Annie said, trying to move on.

"And a merry self-isolation to you," Jeff said. He'd shaved the beard he'd started to grow. "Now that we're all here, can we get started?"

"Yes," said Abed. "You've been running through a tunnel under the city that connects the disused warehouse, where you questioned Fethry, to the caravansary at the edge of Tarksas."

"Hi, Annie," said Troy.

"Hi, Troy," said Annie.

"What's a caravansary?" asked Britta.

"It's like a truck stop but for camels," Troy said. "We want to get away from the city because Gladstone Gander is chasing us because his boss Glittering Goldie doesn't want us to find and rescue Uncle Scrooge."

"Old Tavish," corrected Abed.

"Question. Are we actually dealing with duck-people?" asked Britta.

"Does D&D have duck-people?" Annie asked. "Duckfolk?"

"Kind of. Not really. There are Gloranthan Ducks," said Abed. "But everybody involved from Fethry to Old Tavish to Webbigail—everybody is human."

"  _ Can  _ they be ducks, though?" Troy asked him. "Ducks would be fun."

Annie had googled 'Gloranthan Ducks'. "Oh, they're cute."

"Abed, the people have spoken," Jeff said.

Abed was silent for a couple of seconds, his face blank. "Okay," he said. "They're all Ducks. Fethry was a Duck."

There was some light cheering.

"I'm trying to weave a self-consistent narrative within a secondary world that obeys its own rules and is not just a vehicle for improv and dice-rolling," said Abed. "Now, can we start the game? You guys need to roll to evade the catgirl patrols."

It turned out that nobody in the party was very good at sneaking. Carmen and Crumples weren't terrible at it, but Fej and Ector both clanked when they walked, and a half-dozen catgirls in leather armor with knives quickly zeroed in on the group as they exited the tunnel. On the plus side, the unseen Gladstone had apparently stopped to rescue Fethry, rather than chase the player-characters.

("See? That's him being lucky, right there," Jeff said, "because clearly if he'd chased us we would have defeated him easily."

"We don't even know what class he is, and it's exploiting metagame knowledge to fret too much about some duck our characters don't know, just because of the cartoon," Annie replied.)

A fight between Ector's ragtag band of misfits (Troy's term) and the catgirls followed. Carmen led the tabaxi-slaying leaderboard, thanks to Fej's magic giving her an extra attack each round, which was pretty nice. But by the end of it everyone was battered and below half hit-points. Míriel and Crumples were out of spells, and Fej and Ector had already been out of spells at the start of the fight. They elected not to stick around in Tarksas and instead set out into the wasteland.

"The first thing we need to do is camp for the night," Jeff declared. "We're not up for another fight unless it's against the old version of Webbigail. New Webbigail would clean our clocks."

"You said you hadn't watched the show," Annie said.

"I haven't, I just sat through the opening credits on YouTube," Jeff said. "What time is it? How far from the city can we get and still have time for a full rest overnight?"

"The game started at seven o'clock local time," said Abed. "By five after seven you were fleeing the Chili's. You reached the warehouse around quarter past, so it's probably about eight now."

"This has all been just an hour?" Britta sounded skeptical.

"I guess," Annie said. "I hadn't really thought about it."

"We need eight hours for a full rest," Jeff said. "When's dawn?"

"About six in the morning," Abed said.

"Great, so we can hike for two hours, find a place to camp outside town, rest up, and rise with the sun."

"Can Míriel hike in her current shoes?" Shirley asked.

"I'd worry more about that dress getting torn," Troy said.

"Oh, that's not a problem, Míriel can repair it with the  _ mending  _ cantrip."

"And if it gets dirty?"

Shirley shrugged. "She can clean it with  _ prestidigitation." _

"How many spell slots did you devote to being red-carpet ready?" Troy asked.

"Only three."

"Cool, cool."

"I suppose as one of the  _ calaquendi  _ Míriel can withstand the rigors of travel more easily than a mortal," Shirley decided. "So, yes, she can walk miles through the wasteland in five-inch heels."

"One problem," said Annie. "Do we know where we're going? Casablanca is a lost city, so how do we find it?"

"You could go back into Tarksas and find a guide," Abed said.

"That was my initial plan," Troy said. "But, you know, catgirl fights happened. I have a copy of the map Old Tavish left the Imperial capital with, but I don't know the area at all."

"Fej turns to Carmen. 'You're from the wastes. Do you know the area?' " Jeff asked.

Annie briefly considered declaring that her character grew up nearby, but decided that would have been too easy a coincidence. " 'No, Fej, we're in the Eastern wastes; I'm from the Western wastes. Remember when we went home for my little brother's manhood ceremony and you met my parents? Western wastes.' "

" 'I thought we'd agreed to pretend that trip never happened,' " Jeff said. "Fej looks stung."

"As well he should, forgetting something like that," Annie said wryly. She came very close to sticking her tongue out at him but stopped herself, since it would have also meant sticking her tongue out at Troy, Abed, Shirley, and Britta. "Anyway, we can try following the map."

"Can I see the map? Crumples is good at maps," said Britta. "She has a plus three to Nature and History and a plus one to Survival, one of those must be map-reading."

"Sure, Ector hands Crumples the map," said Troy.

"And I look at it in the torchlight." Britta rolled a die. "Four," she said, disappointed. "Or two if it's Survival."

"Crumples accidentally lights the map on fire," said Abed. "She takes one point of damage putting it out."

"Ow, that was my next-to-last hit point," Britta complained. "Do I at least read the map?"

"The chart shows the site of the Lost City of Casablanca to be approximately a hundred and fifty miles east of Tarksas, somewhere in the Brown Hills. It's a craggy, little-explored area full of box canyons and monsters," said Abed.

"That much would have to be common knowledge about Casablanca, though," Annie said. "If it's a lost city we've all heard of. What new information does the map have?"

"Carmen seizes the singed map from Crumples," Abed said. "Make a Nature check."

Annie rolled a five, so Jeff tried, and rolled a three. Troy rolled a five, and finally Shirley rolled a seven.

"None of you can read the map," Abed said.

"At this point are we even sure it's a map? Maybe Ector took the wrong piece of paper with him when he left the capital and we've all been trying to interpret his water bill," Shirley suggested.

"No, it's a map," Abed said. "It tantalizes you with its mysterious secrets."

Jeff grunted. "Cities need water. Is there a river that flows out of the Brown Hills?"

"Maybe," said Abed. "You rolled a one, so…"

"Abed, dear, I rolled the highest of the group," Shirley pointed out. "Do I…does Míriel know if there's a river?"

"You know there are several small rivers that feed the Brown River, which flows from the Brown Hills past Tarksas to the Brown Sea," said Abed. "Listen, I'm not great with names. I admit that."

"The name 'Tarksas' took him days," Troy agreed. "We offered to help, but…" He shrugged.

"Well, that's a good starting point," Annie said. "We go upriver and explore the tributaries. Eventually we find the lost city. Or we meet the snake people that live there. Or we get to a high enough level that Fej can summon an angel to just tell us where the city is."

"Great." Jeff clapped his hands together. "Let's go. Abed, we hike upriver for two hours, then camp."

"I'll find a good camping site," Annie volunteered. She rolled her Survival skill. "Twenty-four, oh, now I get the good roll."

"After hours of hiking, Carmen leads you to a small bed-and-breakfast formed naturally by erosion," Abed said. "Not actually a bed-and-breakfast," he added, "just to be clear. It's just a really nice little camping spot with space for everybody, near the river but high and dry and up against a cliff on two sides."

"Hold on, guys, I got this," Troy said. "Abed, we make camp."

"You make camp," agreed Abed.

"You know, Míriel doesn't have any camping gear because of her fabulous gown," Shirley said. "But as an elf she doesn't really need sleep, either. So she takes a quick bath in the river, wreathed in starlight. Then she dries herself off with  _ prestidigitation. _ Then she cleans her gown, also with  _ prestidigitation, _ fixes any runs with  _ mending, _ and puts it back on. And then she sits to trance by the fire."

"You know what? Carmen joins her in the water," Annie said. "If that's okay? I'm all sweaty and bloodsoaked and I don't have magic to clean up."

"Of course," Shirley said lightly. "Elves don't have the sexual hang-ups or nudity taboos that humans do. We can bathe together as innocent as baby lambs. Does anyone else want to join us? Míriel bats her eyes at Ector a little." She put a hand to her mouth to suppress a quiet titter at her own risque joke.

"I'm in," said Britta, as Troy demurred. "Crumples is up for all kinds of girly crap. And I don't have cleaning magic either."

"Actually you do," Annie told her. "Or you could.  _ Prestidigitation  _ is on the bard spell list."

"Is that what that is?" Britta glanced down at her notes. "I thought it was, you know, close-up magic. Card tricks."

"Well, if everybody else is stripping down and cleaning off, I'm not going to be one guy whose clothes get chafe-y and who gets a rash," Troy said. "Ector hops in, after all."

"Carmen calls 'Fe-ej,' " Annie said in a singsong voice. " 'Fe-ej…' "

"All right, all right, Fej joins them too," Jeff said. "We all scrub one another's backs and get the tunnel-mud and catgirl blood off. There's a montage set to lilting music."

Abed rolled some dice. "While you're in the water, salt gremlins sneak into your camp and steal all your supplies," he said.

There was a chorus of outrage.

Abed seemed surprised. "No? Too much?"

"If salt gremlins were a plausible threat, at least one of us would have realized that," Jeff said. "And we would have taken precautions, like bathing in shifts."

"Yes, exactly!" Annie agreed.

"So either there aren't salt gremlins and we have a nice time camping and end the session with good feelings and a sense of anticipation for next week, or there are and we have to backtrack and wrangle a fight that starts with Míriel and Carmen in the water and Fej up top keeping watch, with everybody tired and out of spells," Jeff said. "It seems like an easy choice to me."

There was another of those long pauses where everybody waited as Abed mulled it over.

"Okay," he said. "No salt gremlins. It's the wrong time of year for them. And this is a good place to end it for tonight. We'll meet again next week, same time, same non-place. Are Carmen and Fej a couple? It's been unclear and I like clarity."

Annie gasped. "What? I mean, Abed! No? No. No!"

"Yes, exactly," Jeff said quickly. "I mean, no. Annie's right."

"So are you exes, or what?" asked Troy. "Whatever, it's all fine. But Abed's right, it's been unclear."

"I, uh…" Annie stammered a bit, and she could see Jeff doing likewise.

"We haven't really worked that out," Jeff said.

"Well, figure it out before next session," Abed told them, and there was a murmur of halfhearted agreement from the others.

"Will do," Annie said weakly. "Good night!" She logged off quickly, almost as quickly as Jeff.

#

Jeff had logged out immediately, before he and Annie were forced to hash out the parameters of their fictive relationship in real time, in front of an audience. Then he put an old episode of  _ House Hunters  _ on for background noise and just sat for a while.

First conclusion: Annie was hotter than ever. When they had been at Greendale, even after they left and came back, Jeff had always seen Annie through the lens of the school. On some level she had been frozen as the not-quite-nineteen-year-old who leaped out of the bushes to accuse him of undermining Troy's future.

Now, after years apart from each other and from Greendale, he could see her with fresh eyes. And she was gorgeous and fun to play with—hell, the last thing she'd done during the game had been enticing him to go skinny-dipping!

Him and Troy and Shirley and Britta, in front of Abed, of course. That was a problem. And he didn't know much of anything about what her life was like now. It was painfully obvious that Shirley was living out some PG-rated fantasy about being Beyonce. Maybe Annie was just indulging in nostalgia for nostalgia's sake, one more game of lava knights and holding hands in the dark. But she wasn't that person any more; she'd grown and changed and matured. She had a boyfriend.

She probably had a boyfriend.

Second conclusion: the amount of enjoyment he was getting out of this D&D game was no doubt connected to the fact that he had barely been outside his apartment in almost two weeks, that he hadn't been seeing faces at the office or the coffee shop or the gym or anywhere. He was starved for human contact, and it was only natural he'd cling to Annie like a drowning man.

So it would be foolish to read too much into…any of it. They'd play the game, for however long the "quaran-times" lasted, and then they'd be done. Maybe there would be another period of attenuation, where Annie insisted she was going to keep posting to the discord server and then she didn't and the discord server went the way of the old group text chain. Maybe it would be more abrupt.

Ergo, third conclusion: this situation had a finite and limited lifespan. Might as well enjoy it.

Jeff had just started drafting an email to Annie, suggesting they pick a date and time to video chat, when he got one from her.

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Re:Hi guys!! _

_ We should figure out our backstory or else there's going to be some kind of inquisition next session. Maybe we facetime tomorrow night? 9pm Eastern? _

  
  


_ FROM: Jeff _

_ TO: Annie _

_ SUBJ: Re:Hi guys!! _

_ Sounds good _


	3. You can't explain it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as per usual to bethanyactually and amrywiol.

FRIDAY 27 MARCH 2020—DAY 14 OF LOCKDOWN 

Jeff spent Friday looking forward to the evening. He woke up, exercised, showered as if it were a normal day. Breakfast and working remotely and lunch, and then he went for a run because he didn't have a full day of work to do. At first Jeff had tried jogging on the footpath through a park located a couple of blocks from his apartment building, but the space was always crowded with other shut-ins trying the same thing. Everyone wanted to get away from the same four walls. So instead he went around his neighborhood, past all the closed businesses.

Even with all the current craziness, he reflected, it was better than where he'd been before. It wasn't the living death of Greendale. He didn't need to drink to get through the working week, and none of his professional peers were Ben Chang. He had a regular bar, and a regular bar trivia night with a regular bar trivia team, a softball team—the whole works.

His life hadn't had Annie in it, but it hadn't seemed particularly empty or unsatisfying. At least not until the coronavirus took everything away.

After the walk he went home and played a video game for a while, followed by an early dinner with  _ Property Brothers  _ and then another shower, shave, and his best date shirt. And then…

"Hi, Jeff." God, she was beautiful. Adult Annie still looked like a different person from Greendale Annie—the shape of her face, her eyebrows, how she had her hair. Most of his reaction, he reminded himself, was her being the only pretty woman he'd had a conversation with in weeks. But still, God, she was beautiful. Beautiful and looking slightly down at him from a pale sofa somewhere distant. Her laptop must be on a coffee table, or something. She had dressed up a little for him. For the occasion. Or else she had just become someone who lounged every evening on her pale sofa in a dark silk shirt and pants, eyeliner and lip gloss on, hair pulled back into a loose ponytail, regardless of which old flame she was or wasn't going to see via live chat.

"Hi," he said, coolly. She had a wine glass in hand, so he asked "What're you drinking?"

"Only the finest boxed moscato," she said, glancing at the glass. There was a sort of radiance to her that made Jeff a little relieved when she looked away. It had been a long time since they'd looked at one another, without anyone else around to get in the way. "You?"

"I was just about to pour myself a scotch," he said.

"Wow, didn't see that one coming," she said as he got up, and he could hear her smile. "Jeff Winger and his peat-flavored liquor."

"Some things never change," he responded when he sat back down. "Other things change a lot. Most things change a little. You're lucky to have me here to tell you these things."

"Oh, I know." She smiled a little more brightly, and it was like looking at the sun.

No, it was not like looking at the sun. She was just very pretty and he'd been alone a long time. "It's a crazy world we live in," he said lightly, "full of madmen and pandemics."

Her radiance faded a bit. "Yeah. How are you holding up?"

This part of the conversation had probably been inevitable. "It's all right," he said. "I can work remotely, no issue. I worked from home a couple of days a week before." It was starting to drive him kind of crazy, but there was no need to mention that. It was the very definition of 'went without saying.'

Annie nodded, and her eyes softened some. Maybe she knew what he was thinking. "How's your mother?" 

Jeff was a little surprised by the question. But of course, she wouldn't know, and it was so like her to ask. "She's hanging in. She moved to a retirement community in Arizona a few years back. She tells me, don't worry, they've got it all under control there. I don't know what else I could do. She's as isolated as she'd be anywhere…with any luck, she'll be all right."

"I hope so." Annie looked pensive as she took another sip of her wine.

Jeff felt he should change the subject but the quarantine lay heavy over everything. He dismissed the idea of asking how her mother was without further consideration. "Mostly I miss just getting out among strangers," he said instead. "I didn't realize how much I enjoyed coffee shops, restaurants, the gym…"

"Oh, I know!" She nodded, like she had been looking for an excuse to agree with him. "My main hobby, it turns out, was going to non-essential businesses. And I can only do so many pushups."

He smiled. "You're doing a lot of pushups these days?"

"Back when I was at the DOJ I became a jock. You're looking at a jock, Jeff." She set the wineglass down and posed, her arms spread wide.

"What is that? You look like a mannequin someplace that sells upscale silk," Jeff said.

"That was a flex! I was flexing!" Her hands went to her loose silk blouse and for a moment Jeff thought she was going to pull it off, the better to show off her biceps. But she seemed to think better of it, and picked her wine back up. "I can probably do more pushups than you. But it looks like neither of us are dressed for it, so…" She shrugged. "Maybe next time. You're clearly keeping in shape."

"Old habits," Jeff said. He repressed a sudden wild urge to pull his own shirt off and start doing pull-ups to impress her. Instead he changed the subject. "I heard you'd left the Justice Department a couple of years ago."

Annie nodded. "It kind of stopped being a pleasant place to work," she said, obviously choosing her words carefully. "Not to get into politics, we can take all that as read, right?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"And anyway after a while, wearing a blue FBI windbreaker and listening intently while a special agent instructed me on which field to search for drug caches…I felt like I could do better in the private sector." She shifted her weight, sitting up a little straighter. A little more on guard.

"So what do you do now?" he asked. Keep it light, get away from current events and national politics…

He was rewarded by a loosening of her body language. "I work for a law firm, actually," she said brightly. "Martinez All Family, in Orlando. About the same size as the one you work for…" He must have looked surprised, because she rolled her eyes. "I googled you, obviously."

"I googled you," he said, "but I couldn't find anything solid."

"Yeah, I quit social media the same time I left DC," she said. "And what I do these days, it's better if I'm not right there in the online staff directory."

"And what do you do?" Jeff asked, because he could tell she was dying for him to.

"Whatever they need," she said, in that same bright tone, like she was finally getting to do a thing she'd secretly wanted to do for years: tell Jeff about her job.  _ "Mostly  _ I do e-filing and run documents to the courthouse, or clients. Sometimes I search somebody's garbage, run down a bail jumper, take some photographs. I had to get a bounty-hunting license, concealed-carry…Not worth the trouble, I've used it like twice."

There was a little spark in her eye, now. Maybe she was messing with him. Jeff honestly couldn't tell whether Annie was messing with him or not. Probably it was like he'd thought, she was just pleased to be telling him she was doing well. He nodded solemnly, as though she were merely confirming his long-held expectations. He'd always known she would do well, after all.

"You like Florida?" he asked. "I never saw you as the Florida type."

She shrugged. "It's okay. I like my job. I mean, normally I like my job." Looking suddenly uncomfortable, she took another sip of wine. "Right now there's just the e-filing and it's very boring and there isn't enough work to keep me busy." She shrugged again, as if to say 'everything is terrible but what can you do?' "I'm luckier than a lot of people."

"I hear that," Jeff said. He didn't really want to talk about the lockdown and the isolation and all of that, but it was too big a topic for them to just mention and then slide past, apparently. "How are you filling the time? Face-timing a bunch of people like this, calling up old friends?"

Annie shook her head no. The slight scowl on her face indicated that she, too, saw this topic as an undesirable but inevitable necessity. "I don't have a lot of friends these days, not the kind that are close enough to just call up and chat. It's different when you're out of school. Of course you know that. If this goes on long enough I guess I'll have to reach out to people. My supervisor is talking about arranging a virtual happy hour for the office."

She was not mentioning a boyfriend.

"How about you?" she asked him, before he could take that no-boyfriend thought any further. "You're in lockdown too, right? Do you have four other regular games going on, with…I don't know, the guy with the accent, and Neil, and…people you've made friends with since I left?"

"No, I'm pretty starved for human company." She looked oddly pleased at that. "Which is why I agreed to play D&D with a bunch of Greendale alumni," he added, "same as you."

Annie nodded thoughtfully, like he'd confirmed a suspicion. "Greendale…God. Jeff, do you ever try to explain Greendale to somebody, and it's like…where do you even start?" She pursed her lips and gestured vaguely with her wineglass.

Jeff shifted in his seat. He had given up trying to explain Greendale to people, when it came up socially. At best he got blank stares, at worst they remembered the late-night recruitment ads that still played on local TV. "I started talk therapy in late 2015…it took a while to find a good fit and it's on pause now, obviously, but in the process I had to explain Greendale to three different therapists."

"Oh, you gave therapy another try? That's great!" Annie sounded relieved enough that Jeff felt a little embarrassed. "That's great," she repeated. "And it's great that you found a good fit, eventually."

"Yeah, I've grown as a person," he said. "Any more growing and I'd have trouble fitting through doors."

"You're already dangerously tall. Jeff Winger, hero-at-law," Annie said. "Greendale's finest law professor."

He snorted derisively. "Not any more, thank God. Greendale, huh. If I wrote books I'd write a book. Sometimes I wish I'd kept a journal or something." He stared into the middle distance, remembering. "At the time it just seemed like all this stuff that happened, but it was just one thing after another…and you know it wasn't the same without you."

"Troy and Abed made a blanket fort that filled the whole campus," Annie's eyes were shining as if this were news she had heard earlier that day and wanted to fill him in on. "I hadn't thought about that in years. Do you remember that? And then they had this huge pillow fight, and…that was when I set up the night school, wasn't it?"

Jeff remembered. "Yeah…no. No, they did it twice," he said. "The first time was the night school…" He remembered her pressed against him as a blanket fort collapsed around them, their arms entwining, their almost-kiss…"The second time was when they were fighting."

Annie didn't seem to have noticed his reverie. "I try to keep it all straight in my head, and it's like, what parts happened and what parts were a dream?" She looked away for a moment, then turned her head and stared intently at him. "Did you and I pretend we worked in a hospital and we made out?"

Jeff shook his head, unsurprised by the randomness of the question, for some reason. "No," he said firmly. If nothing else, he remembered the exactly five times he and Annie had kissed. Five by his count.

"Are you sure? Because…" Annie trailed off, turned her head away from him. Jeff couldn't guess what she was thinking. Because she did that with someone and Jeff was the only one for her? Because she remembered kissing Jeff in some kind of costume when nothing was real and she'd forgotten it had been a sexy Mrs. Claus outfit? Jeff had not forgotten the sexy Mrs. Claus outfit.

"There was just so much," she said after a moment of shared silence, still not looking his way. There was a tiny catch in her voice. "We did a couples costume for Halloween, junior year, right?" She glanced at him, then away again quickly. Needing confirmation that their shared history hadn't all been her imagination, maybe.

"Senior year," Jeff said gently. "I remember because that night was when I started looking for my father online, and I had Thanksgiving with him my last year as a student." All that stuff with his father, he'd gone over it all in detail with his therapist.

"Well…" Annie seemed almost at a loss for words. "I remember that night. You looked great."

"So did you," Jeff said automatically, because she always had. "Wait, no you didn't, you were dressed like the girl from  _ the Ring." _

"To mess with you," she said softly, like she was remembering something long forgotten. "Messing with you was…it was what got me out of bed in the morning, you know?" She shook her head, like she couldn't quite believe it. "One time I followed you into the men's room," Annie recalled, "and you said we couldn't keep doing this forever, and I just wanted to…I don't even know." She sank back into her sofa, half-smiling, staring off into space.

Jeff shrugged helplessly, and took a sip of his scotch. This wasn't how he'd expected the conversation to go, but he felt powerless to change the subject. He was about to start trying to assure her of how special she had been to him, when she spoke again.

"Wait, no, that was a different time." Annie sipped her wine, still not looking him the eye, intent on processing the memories. "We were sitting on the sofa when you said we couldn't keep playing together forever."

Jeff had no memory of ever telling Annie that, but he wasn't about to contradict her.

"In the men's room was a different time," she continued, ruminatively. She'd started swirling the wine in her glass a little, and watching it spin. "I was mad because you wouldn't ask me out but you didn't want me to go out with Rick—Rich. His name was Rich."

"That's right." Jeff nodded, glad she had said something he could confirm.

"Why?" She looked him in the eye, demanding he explain…something.

It wasn't clear whether Annie was asking him why she'd confronted him, or why he'd refused to explain himself, or why she'd been interested in Rich in the first place. Jeff felt he could answer one of those questions, at least. It was another thing he had struggled with, in therapy. "I couldn't ask you out, which is a ridiculous societal concept by the way, since when do people need to ask for permission…" He scowled. He was getting off-track. "I didn't feel like I could ask you out because that would have meant starting a relationship with you and I thought that was a really bad idea, at the time. For one thing, it was the tail end of when I was sleeping with Britta, and I didn't want to—"

"Britta!" Annie almost did a spit-take. "I forgot you slept with Britta! For what, months, right?" She drained her glass and quickly moved to refill it. "How could I forget something like that?" she muttered.

"There was a lot going on," Jeff said. Annie was clearly processing a lot of buried emotion. In the midst of a snail's-pace global disaster might not have been the best time to dig into it. "And it wasn't very memorable," he added, "compared to everything else."

"Yeah," Annie agreed quickly. "Yeah, there was a lot." She took another swallow of her wine and seemed to visibly calm herself, setting the glass down. "We set up a speakeasy behind Shirley's sandwich counter. I don't remember why, and I don't remember how we talked Shirley into—oh, it was after Shirley left," she suddenly remembered. "That's what it was. Shirley was gone and we, you and I, we weren't really talking any more and everything was kind of crazy and madcap and…and sad."

"I remember that," Jeff said.

They sat in silence for a few seconds. Was Annie tearing up? Yes, yes she was. Jeff tried to think of something to say as she wiped her face.

"I'm sorry," she said, looking down at her hands. "Give me a second. I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize," he said. "It's okay, Annie."

She looked up, met his gaze (or a facsimile thereof, via webcam). "This is a lot of stuff I haven't thought about in a long time. There was just a lot, you know?"

Jeff nodded. "There was a lot. Playing with you was always the best part. You were my favorite part of Greendale."

"Thanks," she said. Then took a breath and sat up straight again. "Let's change the subject." She picked up her wineglass. "Carmen and Fej."

"Absolutely. Let's live in the present, surreal as it is, rather than wallow in the past." Jeff felt glad to have navigated the minefield more or less successfully.

"Do you remember the ass-crack bandit?"

Or maybe not. He took a swig of his scotch. "You were the one who cracked Troy."

Annie stroked her chin. "Was I? Hmm, I'm not sure I remember…"

Part of Jeff felt they were drifting into dangerous waters, but most of him was willing, even eager, to reminisce with his favorite person about the way they'd used to play together. "Why did you do that, anyway?"

She stared at him like he'd asked a ridiculous question. "Because I liked playing with you and you wouldn't play with me, duh," she said evenly. At least she seemed calmer, now. "I could have tried crying but I wanted you to see me as an adult…"

He smiled. "I always knew you were doing that on purpose, crying to manipulate me. Manipulate people."

"No!" Annie looked a little abashed. "Well, kind of. Not really. The tears were always genuine, but… I admit I sometimes tried to leverage them," she said. "Just to make the best of a bad situation. It was never something I set out to do."

"I know," Jeff said, and meant it.

"My turn for a question." Annie straightened up a little. "Do you remember that crazy bunker with the door and then you wore a stupid hat and made the door open with your brain?"

It had taken him three tries to find a therapist who believed him, about that damn door. "Sure." 

"That wasn't the question. This is. How did you do that?" Annie looked intensely at him, like she'd asked him something weighty and full of import. Her face tightened.

Jeff resolutely ignored her nonverbal communication, and gave a little half-shrug. "I dunno, I remember looking at you and thinking…I don't know. The computer, the love-detecting machine, it worked the way it was supposed to, I think."

This wasn't quite enough for her. "Well, what did you think about that made it work?"

"God, I don't know," Jeff lied. "It was a ways back, and it was… okay, it was maybe the weirdest thing that happened that year, but…" He could see her eyes hardening. She wasn't buying it. "I remember I looked at everybody in turn, one at a time, Craig and Britta and Abed, and then I looked at you, and I thought about…how much I loved you. All of you. And you, specifically."

She seemed a little more taken aback than he would have expected. "You could have said something."

"There was a lot going on," Jeff said. "There was always a lot going on."

"Um." Her expression was hard to read. For a second he thought she might tear up again, but instead she laughed. "Dave Matthews!" she exclaimed. "And then Subway just packed up and left. Wow, I haven't thought about that in ages." She sipped her wine and grinned, the building tension suddenly broken. "Do you remember…"

"Wait, no, my turn to ask a question." Jeff wracked his brain, trying to think of something, something light and fun. "Holding hands at Disneyland," he said, as a memory flashed.

Annie's smile turned glassy and her cheeks reddened. "What?"

"Pierce's bequest," Jeff said, though plainly she knew precisely what he was talking about. "You said…you told Abed…your holding-hands-at-Disneyland fantasy, what was that?"

She stared at him a moment, like she was…trying to remember? No, trying to decide how to respond. She knew exactly what he was talking about. "Okay, I am not nearly drunk enough to talk to you about that."

"But what…?" This wasn't a reaction he'd expected. Jeff could tell he'd somehow struck a nerve, pricked her more deeply than he'd meant to. For once, words failed him. "I mean…"

"Let's talk about Carmen and Fej," Annie said, a little tightly. "Greendale was…that was a long time ago."

"Yes."

"You can't explain it to someone who wasn't there."

"You can't even explain it to someone who was there, it turns out," Jeff said. "Moving on."

Annie had moved on. "Carmen is third level. She's been around the block a few times. I've been thinking, she's in her early thirties," Annie said. She got up for a moment, returned with a full wine glass. "She's got huge eighties hair, and her hair and makeup always look great because she's fictional, even though she lives in the woods, and she's in incredible shape."

"You're just describing yourself," Jeff said. "Except you don't live in the woods. And the hair. You never had huge eighties hair."

"Oh, I could show you pictures," Annie said, sipping her drink. "I've tried a few things in the last few years, Jeff Winger."

"Yeah?" Jeff was curious. "Whip 'em out. Email me."

She bobbed her head in that way she used to do, when he complimented her or said something she liked. "Okay," she said shyly, eighteen again for a moment. Then it passed and she straightened up. "But not right now. How old is Fej?"

Jeff hadn't thought about it. "My age, I guess. Uh…" He tried googling half-elf ages but it was a rabbit hole he wasn't prepared to go down just then; it wrenched his attention away from her for too long. "Half elves mature as fast as humans but live about twice as long, so…Fej could be anywhere from forty to a hundred and look my age."

"When they met they were both first level," Annie decided. "Young and starry-eyed. Carmen was a girl of eighteen, Fej was…?"

Jeff considered. "Maybe thirty?"

"Thirty," Annie repeated. "A timeless thirty-ish. But this was fifteen years ago, so now he's forty-five and still looks agelessly thirty-ish. Carmen had just become an adult by the laws of her tribe and was on, like, a  _ wanderjahr  _ or rumspringa kind of thing. A gap year."

"You said we went back for your brother's manhood ceremony," Jeff said.

Annie nodded. "I would have known when that was going to be, and I dragged you along to meet my family…"

"So we must have been a couple." Jeff glanced at the empty glass in his hand and debated getting up to refill.

"I guess." Annie sipped her wine. "I mean, if Anthony had a manhood ceremony while we were at Greendale I might have dragged you to it. Depending on when it was. But he had his bar mitzvah before we met."

Jeff decided yes, a refill was called for. "One second." When he got back Annie had shifted positions on her sofa and moved her laptop to a different place. Jeff could see what looked like a corkboard full of photos behind her, but they were too far away for him to make out who was in them.

"So were we a couple?" she asked him.

He blinked, confused for a moment, then realized that obviously the 'we' was Carmen and Fej. "I think that makes the most sense," Jeff said. "We met, we fell in love, we were pretty close for a while there, and then something happened and now, years later, we're together again."

"Not together-together," Annie said. She didn't seem to have noticed the irony. Jeff wasn't about to bring it to her attention. "Not yet, anyway. Maybe not at all."

"Right." Jeff nodded. "I was thinking, you surprised me with Carmen being unhappy to see Fej—"

"Oh," Annie interrupted, "I was thinking that really she must have been happy to see him, she was just mad. I mean, I didn't realize that Carmen knew Fej, I thought you were just hitting on me in a bar like a random stranger, and…" She trailed off, and took a slow sip of her wine.

"Either way, I—he, he was saying they were old friends. So in his mind they parted amicably…"

"And from her point of view, she got dumped," Annie said thoughtfully. "I didn't think of it that way, but it makes sense. So, no wonder she was angry…"

"He's half-elven, his sense of time is different," Jeff speculated. "Maybe he thought they were just…on pause, until their paths crossed again."

"I don't think Carmen would have been happy with just hitting pause on their relationship, until some unclear and uncertain future."

"Okay. Maybe one of them had to go for…call it career reasons," Jeff guessed. "Or she had to go north, he needed to go south."

Annie considered. "He decided they were splitting up and told her so and she took it so well, outwardly, that in his memory it was a mutual decision."

"Fej said, listen Carmen, you're incredible, I love you, you're going to be fine," Jeff said.

"Maybe she told herself at first that he was going to come back," Annie mused. "Maybe he intended to. But years went by."

"How many years? If she was eighteen when they met, and if she's maybe thirty-three now, that's fifteen years."

"Five together, ten apart," Annie said. She finished off her wine. "That seems reasonable."

"Sure," Jeff said. "So Fej broke her heart, didn't even realize it."

"Yeah. But she's got a lot of affection for him still, clearly…Can I ask you a question?" Annie asked suddenly.

"Uh, sure."

"I lived with Travis for three awful months, and then he proposed like that would fix things. I moved here," Annie gestured around her, "instead. Before Travis was Josh. Josh and I were together a little more than two years. He wanted me to move in with him and I knew that wasn't going to work."

"Okay," Jeff said. "Less of a question, more of a comment."

"Who have you dated?" she asked. "Since…since Greendale."

Jeff was nonplussed. He'd thought they'd moved neatly around this question. "I dated, let's say, several women," he said. "I mean, I've been on dates, but it never went anywhere. At my age, usually either there's kids, or…" He shrugged.

Annie looked a little stricken. "So you haven't really been _ in  _ a relationship?" she asked, gingerly, like she was asking about his cancer prognosis.

"When someone asks about my most recent relationship," Jeff said slowly, "I usually tell them about you."

Annie said nothing, she just looked at him like he'd hit her with a fish.

"I mean," he said quickly, trying to fix it, "otherwise the answer would have to be Britta, and that would plainly be misleading."

She looked at him more. She looked like she was about to cry, for real this time, big ugly sobs he could see fighting to get out.

Jeff leaned forward, realized he was about to try to reach through his computer screen to touch her shoulder, leaned back. "Annie," he said.

"This was a lot of fun and we should do it again sometime soon say hi to everybody for me love you bye," Annie said quickly, and ended the call.


	4. Thank you for being so understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to amrywiol and bethanyactually.

"Fuck fuck fuck," Jeff muttered. He tried calling her back but she didn't pick up. Email, then.

_ FROM: Jeff _

_ TO: Annie _

_ SUBJ: I'm ok _

_ Believe me, I have been doing fine. My life is not terrible, current global pandemic notwithstanding. When you left, you did not ruin me for all other women. Maybe it's egotistical of me to assume that's what was concerning you. Maybe you've simply been driven into a frenzy by my raw sexual charisma and you're furious that the universe dare show me, the perfect man, to you when I'm two thousand miles away. _

_ I know I was furious at the universe once. I couldn't understand how important you were to me until I was faced with you leaving. But it was the event of your leaving that gave me the courage I needed to start making positive changes in my own life. I spent so much time playing out imaginary conversations with a version of you, and eventually she convinced me to let her go and to start therapy again. Because in the end, we're all responsible for our own lives. We can't leave it up to other people to live for us, any more than we can live for other people. _

Jeff looked at the paragraph he'd just written. Not great. When he made a speech he could count on the effects of his body language, confidence, nice suit, and so on. His tone mattered more than his words. But that wasn't going to work in this medium. He needed to get her attention away from the obvious counterfactual that Annie hadn't ruined him for all other women, else she might dwell on it. And the bit about how he'd had Annie as an imaginary friend for much of the second half of 2015 made him sound like a crazy person, even if it had just been a coping mechanism and he never told anybody about that and fuck it was a stupid detail to include. He deleted a bit and tried again.

_ I know I was furious at the universe once. I couldn't understand how important you were to me until I was faced with you leaving. But it was the event of your leaving that gave me the courage I needed to start making positive changes in my own life. You have been a greater force for positive change than anyone else I've ever met, both for me personally and for the world at large. You saved Greendale, and made it someplace worth saving. I consider myself lucky to have known you. _

_ My only regret is that it took you leaving, years of therapy, and the benefit of hindsight for me to recognize and come to terms with the relationship we had, and the relationship we might have had if I hadn't been such a dumb handsome jerk who couldn't handle having met you when you were still a teenager. That was all on me, and I've had a lot of time to process the mistakes I've made and try to grow from them. Those mistakes got me here, and here is better than many alternatives. So just to reiterate: I'm not broken, I'm actually pretty great. _

_ Also, playing Dungeons and Dragons with you is literally the most fun I have had in years and I hope it can continue at least until the end of the current global pandemic. _

_ To sum up: it was great to see you. _

_ Jeff _

"Fuck fuck fuck," muttered Annie, as she sat alone in her living room and sobbed. It had been years since she last cried like this. 

That had not gone the way it was supposed to. 

He was trying to call her, which she ignored.

It had started well enough. It was light and flirty and made her feel good about herself, and it was good to see him looking so much less the washed-up sad sack he'd been drifting towards, when she'd left him five years ago. In the moment she'd been so eager for his approval that she'd almost started stripping down to her bra to show off her biceps, like she was looking for the barest excuse to expose herself to him, make him want her. But there was no reason to dwell on that, it was just a dumb impulse that she'd pushed away. The first part had been good.

But then  _ somehow _ the conversation turned to Greendale and the past, and it had gotten away from her and dredged up a lot of feelings she'd buried, and then somehow she—they?—She had turned the backstory of Carmen and Fej into some kind of funhouse-mirror story about how she'd broken Jeff's heart and made him unable to love anyone.

Her phone dinged. Email from Jeff. Right then Annie couldn't guess what he wanted. Certainly he'd seen her cry plenty of times, and been unmoved, or at least not moved to action. The last time had been a long time ago, and she'd always assumed that would, indeed, be the last time Jeff Winger saw her cry.

If anyone was going to break down crying, it should have been him, she thought, and then she immediately backtracked because she couldn't back that up for a moment even to herself. Stupid Jeff Winger. Stupid poopyhead Jeff Winger. How dare he wait until she was long gone to come to terms with…whatever they'd had, or almost had…

Still sniffling, she read his email.

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Re: I'm ok _

_ Thanks, Jeff. It was great to see you, too. And I appreciate your emailing me a Winger speech. It feels like old times. I'm really glad to hear that you're doing so well. See you "at" the D&D game on Tuesday, you dumb handsome jerk. I will strive to contain my frenzy. No promises. _

_ Love, _

_ Annie _

Annie's cursor hovered over the "send" button. "Hmm, no," she said aloud. There had been a time when she'd routinely signed emails with "Love," and even when those emails had been routinely sent to Jeff Winger, but it had never been Jeff alone, always Jeff and Abed and Troy and Shirley and Britta and Pierce and more than once Chang, even. This was different.

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Re: I'm ok _

_ Thanks, Jeff. It was great to see you, too. And I appreciate your emailing me a Winger speech. It feels like old times. I'm really glad to hear that you're doing so well. See you "at" the D&D game on Tuesday. _

_ Annie _

Better, definitely. But at the last minute she changed her mind again.

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Re: I'm ok _

_ Thanks, Jeff. It was great to see you, too. And I appreciate your emailing me a Winger speech. It feels like old times. I'm really glad to hear that you're doing so well. See you "at" the D&D game on Tuesday. I will strive to contain my frenzy. No promises. _

_ Annie _

"I mean, it's a funny line," she said out loud to no one as she finally sent the email. Then she closed the laptop with a sigh and went to bed.

DAY 15 OF LOCKDOWN (SATURDAY, 28 MARCH 2020)

**annie**

Is anybody doing anything this weekend?

I mean besides hiding out at home? I was thinking I would do some spring cleaning. Baseboards and junk.

**(1 Thumbs-up: ShirleyB)**

**GM Abed Nadir**

I'm posting this reminder that we plan to play the next session of the D&D game on Tuesday, at 5:00 Pacific time.

**(4 Thumbs-up: TroyBarnes, annie, ShirleyB, Britta)**

**ShirleyB**

Did anyone else watch Tiger King? That woman murdered her husband.

**(1 Smirk: Britta)**

**Britta**

Y y y yeah obviously.

**(1 Smirk: ShirleyB)**

**annie**

I haven't seen it, is it worth watching?

**(2 Surprise: Britta, ShirleyB)**

**Britta**

Nah

**(2 Smile: ShirleyB, TroyBarnes)**

**TroyBarnes**

Some of our local friends are setting up an organized plan for people to call one another on a schedule, like a phone tree. We should try that with you guys.

**(3 Thumbs-up: ShirleyB, annie, Britta)**

**ShirleyB**

Someone should tell Jeff!

**(1 Slight smile: annie)**

**(2 Thumbs-up: GM Abed Nadir, Britta)**

I'll have to talk to Brian and work out when is a good time for us.

DAY 16 OF LOCKDOWN (SUNDAY, 29 MARCH 2020)

**ShirleyB**

Unfortunately it doesn't look like I'll be able to play on Tuesday

**(1 Cry: annie)**

**(1 Worried: Britta)**

**annie**

Is everything okay?

**ShirleyB**

Oh it's fine, it's just that we're still working out how to balance everybody's time, and with Elijah sick it's gotten complicated.

**(3 Worried: annie, Britta, TroyBarnes)**

**annie**

Can I send you anything? What's your mailing address?

**Britta**

Does he have the coronavirus?

**GM Abed Nadir**

Will you be able to play on Thursday?

**ShirleyB**

We'll be fine, he's quarantining separately from Jordan and Ben, and Brian stays at the other end of the house from everybody.

I should be able to play on Thursday hopefully. I will keep everybody updated.

**@annie** You don't need to send us anything, thank you though.

**GM Abed Nadir**

Let's plan on playing on Thursday, this week and next week and on into the future. Once a week makes more sense than twice anyway.

**(1 Thumbs-up: ShirleyB)**

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: You should be on Abed's Discord server _

_ Seriously, Jeff. We're making plans and things, and if you aren't there to voice your opinions they will not be heard. Like for instance, Troy wants to organize round-robin phone-tree-style calls. And the game Tuesday is off because Shirley can't make it. Thursday is tentatively still on. _

_ Do you want to chat Tuesday? You'll be free and I promise not to start crying on you again. _

_ Annie _

_ FROM: Jeff _

_ TO: Annie _

_ SUBJ: Re: You should be on Abed's Discord server _

_ Yeah, Abed told me about the scheduling change. I guess I have to get on the discord because otherwise you'll be emailing me daily with news updates and haranguing me to join, and if you're going to harangue me I'd rather it be about something more interesting, like watching Tiger King. _

_ I will happily see you on Tuesday. I am not worried about you crying, in part because you are clearly a mature, tough, self-assured woman, but mostly because you're in Orlando and my clothes will be in Denver where your tears can't reach them. _

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Re: You should be on Abed's Discord server _

_ Thank you for being so understanding about putting your precious fabrics at risk (tongue-sticking-out emoji). _

_ Annie _

DAY 17 OF LOCKDOWN (MONDAY, 30 MARCH 2020)

She'd put it off long enough. Careful planning and husbanding had enabled her to delay it for surprisingly long, but when she was completely out of coffee, that was it. On Monday, Annie went to the grocery store.

She needed to get out of the house anyway. Olin, one of the partners at the firm, had sent her a list of documents he needed her to pick up from the office and drop off at his house. "Just drop the box on the porch," Olin's instructions read. "Ring the bell and move back to your car, but don't leave until I've opened the door and picked the box up." This struck Annie as somewhat silly but hers was not to question why.

"The box" turned out to be three banker's boxes' worth of binders. The office was eerily quiet, empty except for a single security guard at the front desk, who either didn't notice her on the security cameras or recognized and ignored her when she went in through the back. Assembling everything on the list required printing out a few things, and then she noticed a bunch of thirsty-looking plants that she felt obliged to rescue.

So stop one, the office; stop two, her house again to drop off the plants; stop three, Olin's house. It took two trips, but she stacked the boxes on the porch, as instructed, rang the bell and waited in the driveway. He came out in a t-shirt (she'd never seen Olin out of a suit before, that she could think of, since he skipped office picnics and the like). It was quietly gratifying to see him try to pick up all three boxes at once and fail miserably, then struggle to pick up two, and then pretend he'd only ever intended to pick them up one at a time. He waved at her and she waved at him and then she got back in the car and drove to the grocery store.

She'd made a list in advance but had to make a lot of substitutions due to shortages. There was a large section of one aisle that was entirely bare except for crumpled handwritten signs that said LIMIT TWO PER CUSTOMER. Maybe it was the time of day but there was hardly anyone else at the store, and of the people who were there, almost half were wearing surgical masks.

Maybe she should get some kind of mask. She'd probably need to, if this went on long enough and she kept having to run little errands for work.

The grocery store was oddly silent. When she was halfway down her list, trying to decide whether she wanted to buy imported Irish butter for about four times what she usually spent on butter, or the big tub of generic margarine-flavored butter-style spread, she realized why: the music that usually played over the PA system was off.

Once she was finally done, she sat in her car in the parking lot and just screamed quietly for a few seconds before shaking it off and heading back home.

**annie**

I like  **@Troy Barnes** 's phone-tree idea a lot. If everyone's opting in, I can go ahead and draw up a draft schedule. Just let me know when I assign you a time you can't do, for any reason. No questions asked, we've all got a lot going on. (smile emoji)(smile emoji)

**(2 Thumbs-up: Troy Barnes, ShirleyB)**

**ShirleyB**

**@annie** I've got a few minutes right now, if you're available.

"Hello Annie, you're looking well," Shirley cooed. 

"Shirley, hi!" Annie replied. Shirley looked a little better than she had the last time Annie saw her, at the second gaming session. A little less frayed, a little more put together. It took Annie only a moment to peg the difference as hair. Shirley had her hair up and inside some kind of cap or…sleeping bonnet, that's what those were called. 

"We haven't had much opportunity to catch up. During the game there's so many people," Shirley said, "and I don't think Abed would appreciate it if I started asking everyone about their lives, how we're all coping, you know."

"Yeah, I know," Annie agreed. "It's good to see you. How's Elijah?"

Shirley sighed. "He says he started to get a sore throat last week, but he didn't say anything because he didn't have a fever. He was too sick to work by the end of the week and he spent all weekend coughing. We had to take him to the emergency room yesterday—"

Annie gasped.

"It's all right, it's all right," Shirley said quickly. "He just couldn't catch his breath. They got him some steroids and he's doing better now. He's lying in the den, poor thing, watching cartoons probably…"

"Oh, Shirley," Annie said. She wasn't sure what else to say.

"He's doing better now," Shirley repeated. "And none of the rest of us have been showing any symptoms, unless crabbiness and not picking up after yourself are symptoms."

"What's your mailing address? I want to send you something. A card. Can I send you a card?" Annie didn't have a plan, yet, but she knew that she wasn't going to be sending a card. At least, not only a card.

Shirley saw right through her, of course. "Annie, dear, we'll be okay." But she couldn't very well refuse to let Annie send her a card, so she gave Annie her address, which Annie wrote down. "Tell me how you're doing," Shirley said afterwards. "I think the last time we talked you were planning on moving in with your man. That must have been a year ago, and you're at home alone now, so…?"

"So yes, it did not work out. Cohabitation Summer 2019, big phhhbt." Annie blew a raspberry and gave a thumbs-down. It felt dumb to be talking about this now, after hearing about Elijah and all Shirley was going through, but Shirley seemed eager for the distraction.

"Your man lasted all of, what, four months?" Shirley sniffed disdainfully. "Not a happy time for Annie and Annie's boyfriend whose name I absolutely know, you told me last year—"

"Travis," Annie said. "Sorry. I should have said…" Shirley had certainly hinted enough. "Not even four months. Travis and I broke up on Labor Day. At a picnic. In front of all our friends…who are now just his friends."

"Oh, dear." Shirley shifted in her seat. "That sounds like a story," she added, with a tone equal parts sympathetic and hopeful for an anecdote.

Annie shrugged. "They were always his friends, actually. I never really fit in with his crowd. Honestly, it felt like the whole relationship was his idea, and I was just going along with it because otherwise I'd be alone, and it was the path of least resistance, but…that's not a reason to be with someone, and it wasn't fair to him, either." Annie mulled over what she'd just said. She had never really spelled it all out like that, before. "The breakup was for the best, believe me. Anyway, I moved in here." She waved her laptop around, to show off her IKEA-chic living room. "I'm just renting, for now."

"There's clearly more to say on that topic but let's put a pin in it now because I want to see your house! Walk me through it!" 

It wasn't very impressive, to Annie's mind, just a little two-bedroom in a residential neighborhood, but Shirley treated it like Annie was giving her a tour of the White House, which felt nice. She admired Annie's frankly bare-bones home gym, and cooed over her decor, simple as it was. Annie didn't try to return the favor, only because Shirley had already mentioned more than once that her house was a messy quarantine zone and Annie didn't want to embarrass her.

"Now that we've gotten through pleasantries," Shirley said, "how are you managing? You seem well, that's good, but if you're so isolated…hold on. I'll be right back."

Annie became aware of someone calling 'Mom! Mom!' in the background, as Shirley rose from her seat. She had been sitting at some kind of desktop, in what looked like a cluttered home office. Annie recalled that Shirley's husband Brian was a writer, now.

"Sorry, Annie, duty calls," Shirley said when she briefly reappeared a minute or so later. "It's not a crisis, don't worry, but we'll have to finish catching up another time. And I  _ will _ see you on Thursday!"

"Thursday, yes! Good luck!" Annie said, but by the time she'd finished the sentence Shirley had already hung up.

DAY 21 OF LOCKDOWN (TUESDAY, 31 MARCH 2020)

**JWinger joined the server, everybody applaud.**

**JWinger**

Hi everybody, I've been shamed into signing up for AIM, or IRC, or whatever this is.

**(5 Partying_face: Britta, ShirleyB, annie, Troy Barnes, GM Abed Nadir)**

**(1 Yum: annie)**

**(3 Sunglasses: Britta, Troy Barnes, GM Abed Nadir)**

**Britta**

Nobody else knows what either of those things r

**annie**

Hi  **@JWinger** ! I'm glad you  finally took my advice!

**Britta**

**@JWinger** obviously u should just do whatever  **@annie** says

**(1 Blush: annie)**

**ShirleyB**

**@JWinger** It took you long enough but I'm sure we're all just happy you're here.

**annie**

**@JWinger** I'm adding you to the call chart, it's in #call-schedules. Leave a comment there if the times don't work for you.

**@ShirleyB** How's Elijah today?

**(1 Mask: annie)**

**ShirleyB**

**@annie** About the same, still no appetite. Ben might be getting sick, we're not sure, so everyone is sequestering in separate rooms.

**JWinger**

**@ShirleyB** That sounds like a waking nightmare

**(1 Smiling_face_with_3_hearts: ShirleyB)**

**ShirleyB**

We're hanging in!

**(4 Smiley: JWinger, annie, Britta, Troy Barnes)**

**GM Abed Nadir**

**@everyone** This is a reminder that we are not playing tonight. We are playing on Thursday, at 5:00 PDT. If you are going to sit at your computer and play Dungeons and Dragons online you will need to find other people to do it with. I have made other plans.  **@Troy Barnes** is also unavailable.

**JWinger**

**@GM Abed Nadir** I'm sure we'll all amuse ourselves somehow


	5. You're very missable

Before his call with Annie, Jeff made sure that propping his tablet up against his bed would get a good enough view of himself doing pull-ups in his bedroom door frame. He didn't intend to do pull-ups in his bedroom door frame, just to show her, but if it came up organically in the conversation he wanted to be equipped to handle it without a lot of technical difficulties.

He felt more anxious about this call than the last one, for some reason. Perhaps because the last one had ended with her abruptly hanging up while choking back sobs. He was pretty sure they'd gotten past that, though.

Jeff reminded himself that the stakes were extremely low: this was a woman who he hadn't seen in person in many years, who was two thousand miles away, who he wasn't ever going to see in person again. He'd been fine without her, he'd continue to be fine if somehow the evening resulted in her tearfully deleting her email and refusing all his calls and dropping out of the D&D game or insisting Abed blackball him. And all of those things were extremely improbable. The most likely outcome was that he would have a pleasant but fairly dull evening chatting with a woman he'd used to know. It was entirely possible that this would be the last time they chatted like this. Once to resolve the Carmen/Fej backstory question, once to follow up on that and prove that they could get through a conversation without Jeff making Annie cry, like a couple of normal grown-ups.

_ Getting in your head about this,  _ he told himself.  _ These aren't paths your thoughts need to be going down. What would Maureen say? _

Maureen was Jeff's therapist. She'd reached out to him about scheduling some kind of online meeting next week, since obviously they couldn't talk in person. Jeff had been tempted to suggest that they go ahead and meet at her office and just stay at opposite ends of the room, six or more feet apart, but that idea probably wouldn't fly.

So Jeff tried to recognize and reject bad thought-patterns. He tried to go for a run but it was just too difficult to maintain social distance while running—, too many people out. It was distracting and made the experience stressful, which was the opposite of what he wanted in a run. He priced treadmills and discovered that he was not the first person to have the idea and that, in fact, they were in the midst of a global treadmill shortage.

He'd just found one that might work for him and that he could order to be delivered to his apartment, though when it would get there was a crapshoot, when Annie called.

"Hi, Jeff!" She was dressed down a little from last time, he could see. Smidge of lipstick maybe, hard to say. She'd always been very particular about her makeup. Gray t-shirt with "Mother of Dragons" printed on it. Regardless, Annie looked incredible. She always looked incredible.

"Hi," he said. "How's it going?"

"I'm fine," she replied. "How are you? Did I interrupt your workout?"

"Huh?" Jeff realized he hadn't changed after his aborted run, and thus still had on his shorts and a sleeveless black top. "Oh. I tried to go jogging," he said. "Didn't work out. I was actually shopping for a treadmill when you called."

"Oh! I got a treadmill this past winter," Annie said, "it's been great. I'll email you the info on it."

"You have a treadmill?" Jeff asked as he stood up. "Hold on." He stepped briefly out of the webcam's frame of view and quickly changed into a blue button-down and tan chinos.

"I told you, Jeff, in the years since you've known me I've become a jock," he heard Annie say. "What am I looking at, here? Is this your bedroom?"

"Yeah, this is where the magic happens," Jeff said as he picked up his tablet and moved with it to his living room. "But what I meant was, you live in Florida, why would you need a treadmill in the winter?"

"Sometimes I don't want to go to the gym and there's not a good place near my house for jogging out of doors. And this is your living room," Annie said as he set the tablet down. "I remember from before…oh, you didn't need to change for me." She seemed almost disappointed.

"I know, I know, you were admiring the gun show." He shrugged as she stifled a laugh. "I don't want to just wear gym clothes, or pajama pants and a t-shirt all day, you know? Trying to keep a sense of normalcy."

Annie frowned slightly and adjusted her top and Jeff realized she was wearing a t-shirt and, quite possibly, pajama bottoms of some kind. She might not have been wearing anything under the t-shirt.

"You, of course, look amazing. You're the jock-nerd convergence foretold by the holy prophecy stones. Which reminds me," he said, smoothly changing the subject, "you said you were going to send me a picture of yourself with huge eighties hair and you never did."

Annie folded and unfolded her arms, like she'd been able to guess his train of thought regarding her bra or possible lack thereof from his sight-line and wasn't sure whether to feel demeaned or flattered. "I will, I just haven't gotten around to it," she said.

"I signed up for Abed's discord," Jeff pointed out. "That was the deal. I sign up for the discord, you send me an embarrassing photo of yourself."

"That was the deal?" She looked bemused, but also skeptical, and refolded her arms.

"That was the deal," Jeff assured her. "Go ahead and check the minutes of our last meeting."

Annie smiled at that, and unfolded her arms. "I don't think that was the deal. I think the deal was that you sign up for the discord and I don't email you Annie's Daily Digest of Discord Doings."

Jeff grunted noncommittally.

"And also you do twenty push-ups for me," Annie decided. "While I watch. Now that I'm a jock I need to judge your form, Jeff."

"Well," Jeff said, "this is why people need written contracts, instead of oral agreements."

"Is that a no on the push-ups, then?" Annie asked innocently.

"You should have said something before I changed clothes," Jeff countered. "If you want me to do push-ups now, I'm going to need something in kind."

"I can do push-ups. Better than that, I can do pull-ups." All pretense had dropped away, they were just flirting at each other now, Jeff thought. He and Annie looked at one another via webcam for what felt like an hour, before she wrenched her gaze away. The moment passed.

"I'll tell you what," Annie said slowly, "I'll search through my photos and find the one I'm thinking of and I'll send it to you."

"I'll wait."

"Okay, okay…" Annie started doing things with her laptop, while Jeff watched and waited. "Listen," she said, "I just wanted to say, about last time."

"You don't have to apologize, or explain anything," he assured her.

Annie nodded absently. "I know, I know." She scowled slightly, but it seemed to be in response to how her photo -search was going. "What set me off was, I mean aside from all the terrible stuff going on?" Maybe it was easier for her when she wasn't looking at him, when she had something else to focus on. "What set me off was when you said you described me as an ex to people. I've called you an ex, too. That's how I told people about Greendale, and you."

"Uh," Jeff stammered, trying to compose at least the beginning of a solid response.

"It was just easier to frame it like that," she continued. "So when I was in DC with Josh you were my ex-boyfriend in Colorado, and when we broke up he said I wasn't over you." She stared intently at whatever was on her computer screen. "And it's funny, but Travis said the same thing, when we…when I dumped him."

"I never wanted to hurt you," Jeff began.

"I know." Annie had finished her search, or whatever she'd been doing, and switched back to a view of him, Jeff could tell from the sudden shift in her body language.

He spoke carefully. "For what it's worth, I've been in kind of the same boat. Every woman I meet is just a bad xerox of you, at best. I didn't get to the point of talking about you in detail with any of them, but…if things had gotten to that point I'm sure they'd have had some choice words."

She chuckled mirthlessly. "We really did a number on each other, huh?"

"Yeah….yeah, we did."

"You more than me, obviously. There was a horrible power imbalance between us. I was just a child when we met, you know. An innocent babe in the woods." Annie sighed, theatrically. "Helpless to resist your overwhelming charisma."

"Hey, that's not fair—" Jeff protested. He knew she was joking, but even so, it stung a bit.

She threw up her hands, as if to ward him off. "I was so weak," she cried, "just constantly getting led around by the nose. I was so ready, even  _ eager  _ to drop whatever I was doing, whenever I was doing it, just to help you. All you had to do was bat your eyes at me, I was wrapped around your little finger…" Annie grinned, and he relaxed a little. 

"I…" Jeff recalled a conversation he'd once had with his therapist, and tried to draw on it. "We tell ourselves the story of our past, and, it's always being revised and edited and themes emerge only in hindsight, because life isn't actually a story but that's the only way we can understand it. And the story of you and me at Greendale has several different versions."

Annie tilted her head slightly and looked at him quizzically, but said nothing.

"The first version is the one where there's this girl and she has a crush on this guy, and he doesn't notice, and when he does notice he doesn't take her seriously. He strings her along without really meaning to, but thoughtlessly, and he never sleeps with her because it would be fun but ultimately inconvenient. It would make too many problems for him, and when it ended she'd stop being his friend and making eyes at him, and he'd miss that. But he still takes emotional support from her and he stops her from finding anybody else, until eventually she wises up and moves on."

She was tearing up again, he could tell. He hesitated, then pushed on.

"The second version is the one where there's this guy who meets an amazing girl who is barely more than half his age, and he realizes quickly that she's the greatest person he'll ever meet, and he thinks that if he tries anything with her, ever, then it'll crash, hard, because the deck is so stacked against it, with their ages and his history. And he knows that eventually she'd hate him for it and so he lets her go. He keeps her at arm's length and he  _ tries  _ to come at her with a big brother energy, and it works for a while but it gets harder and harder until, luckily, again, she wises up and moves on."

"Jeff, I was never going to…" Annie murmured, then trailed off. Fortunately she had a full box of tissues at hand. He watched as she started to carefully dab her eyes, then he took a breath and finished.

"The third version is the one where there's this guy and this girl and there are a lot of reasons they never get together, some good and some stupid, and like every other relationship, it eventually ends, because she's at one stage of life and he's at another, and afterwards he's just glad he didn't do anything he regrets, that he only has things he didn't do to regret, because all things considered that seems like the better option. And they both move on and are better people for having known each other. Or he's better, at least."

"Jeff," Annie said. Her eyes were big and wet, but she wasn't crying any more. She looked at him, with those huge eyes, shaking her head slightly as she tried to think of what to say, how she could possibly convey the vast expanses of emotion pushing through her. The tiniest fragment of a smile caught on her lips and those eyes. "Jeff…milord."

"Milady," Jeff answered, because what the hell else was he going to do?

They looked at each other silently for a long, long few seconds. As far as Jeff was concerned, they could sit like that for the rest of his life and he wouldn't complain.

Eventually, though, she spoke. "So where does that leave us now?" she asked him.

"I don't know," he admitted. "You're definitely no longer an innocent babe in the woods. Now you're just a babe."

She smiled, then seemed to swallow it, and force herself to keep a solemn face. "It's been really great seeing you again, even like this, even under these circumstances…"

"But right now seems like a bad time to start anything," Jeff finished for her.

Annie nodded. "Plus you're two thousand miles away," she added, and bit her lip.

They just sat and looked at each other, for a little while.

"So," Jeff said, because one of them needed to say something eventually, "can we enjoy it while it lasts? You bask in my presence, you claim you can do push-ups, we play some D&D."

"I  _ can  _ do push-ups. More than you, I bet," Annie said quietly. There was still that smile in her eyes, though.

"And eventually the world stops ending and…" He shrugged.

She shrugged, too. "Let's just take it one day at a time. Agreed?"

"Agreed."  _ Maybe when it all ends we go our separate ways with a little more closure,  _ he thought.  _ That doesn't sound like a bad thing. _

She nodded. "You still want this picture? I found the one I was looking for."

"Obviously," he said with a snort.

"And…sent. Halloween 2018." Annie fidgeted for a moment. "I was a lady wrestler," she said, as if he were owed some kind of explanation. "It was a whole eighties Halloween theme party thing with Travis's friends."

Jeff saw her email, opened the attachment. He let out a low whistle. "Damn, you look great with big eighties hair."

"Jeff."

He adjusted his view so that 2020 real Annie was on the left, 2018 wrestler Annie on the right. "Amazing. I was going to make fun of you, but I'm just in awe."

"Jeff!" She laughed, embarrassed.

Neither were 2009 teen Annie, or even 2015 twentysomething Annie who in Jeff's memory somehow looked exactly the same as 2009 teen Annie. "I might make this my new home screen."

They spent a while going over some of the pop culture they'd recently consumed. Annie spoke more than he did. She liked a bunch of Netflix stuff. They were both on the fence about  _ Tiger King. _ She was aghast he'd never seen  _ Zootopia, _ for some reason, and actually teared up a little when she explained that she'd made Josh, her DC boyfriend, see it with her over his objections and that she'd ended up seeing it a second time in the theater, alone because he wouldn't go with her. He started to look it up, but she stopped him and made him promise not to so much as see a trailer until some unspecified future occasion when they would watch it together.

He changed the subject, and asked about her jock status. She outlined an ambitious workout routine, but then, she'd always been driven. It stood to reason that if she took up exercise she'd go all-in. Eventually the topic drifted back to Carmen and Fej and their D&D backstories.

"Is there more to discuss?" Jeff asked. "They met, they hooked up, they were together and then they weren't."

"There could be more," Annie said with a shrug. "There doesn't have to be. How they met, how they hooked up, how they came together, that kind of thing. How serious it got, before they split up, and how they separated."

"That's an awful lot of homework for a Dungeons & Dragons game I'm only playing as a courtesy to Abed," Jeff declared.

"You love playing D&D," Annie reminded him.

"I do not love playing D&D. I love all of you guys," he countered. "Years apart notwithstanding. Also I'm trapped alone in my apartment with nothing to keep me company except a magic box containing a tantalizingly beautiful woman who wants to play D&D with me."

"Oh," Annie cooed. "I'll tell Shirley you said that, she'll appreciate being called tantalizing."

He smiled briefly. "But all right, all right. Carmen and Fej meet when they both answer a want ad for a low-level adventurer to kill rats in a bar's basement," Jeff said. "They race to be the first to kill the rat king, their eyes lock over the rat king's steaming, viscera-filled corpse, and passion overtakes them. Thus a solid relationship is formed."

"Ugh, that's awful," Annie said. She scooted forward on her sofa and leaned in. "Come on, Jeff, you can do better than that."

Jeff tapped his knee, trying to think. "Carmen gets mugged by rowdy townies who mistake her for an easy mark. Fej tries to rescue her, but she doesn't need rescuing. Afterwards she buys him a drink to make up for all the rowdy townie blood she got on his chainmail, and one thing leads to another."

"Better. That's better." Annie thought a moment. "I don't like the idea that anyone anywhere at any point in her career would look at Carmen and think, easy mark. She's got a big fuck-you sword and spiky heels."

"Is she six foot two, built like a power lifter?" Jeff asked. "I admit it hadn't occurred to me to ask. I've been picturing, basically, you in an unrealistic leather catsuit. Not entirely unlike the picture you sent me."

Annie considered. "I suppose she's not a large woman," she said, "or else she couldn't be significantly shorter than Fej. Fej has like two feet on her, obviously."

"So our characters are each our size?" Jeff asked, sounding a little skeptical. "Carmen looks like you, Brother Fej looks like me?"

"It just makes sense," Annie retorted. "I mean, your name is 'Fej.' That's extremely lazy."

"There's a long tradition of backwards names in D&D." Jeff gestured at nothing. "Look up Drawmij, creator of the spell  _ Drawmij's instant summons, _ originally played by Jim Ward back in the early 1970s."

"See, you say you don't love D&D and then you pull something like that off the top of your head…"

"Tenser, of  _ Tenser's floating disk, _ is an anagram of Ernest, after Ernie Gygax, Gary Gygax's son and another of the earliest players," Jeff continued.

"Oh, God, there's more apparently," Annie marveled.

"Gary Gygax himself had a character named Yrag. I'm done." Jeff cleared his throat. "Yrag."

"That's very impressive. I'm extremely turned on," Annie told him. "You were right to be worried about my going into a sexual frenzy."

Jeff laughed. "You were saying, you don't like the idea of Carmen being mistaken for an easy target even by drunk idiots," he said.

"Hold on, hold on, I need a moment to come down from that," Annie said. She closed her eyes and took a lingering sip of her drink, followed by a slow, deep breath.

Jeff sipped his own drink, and just watched her. Annie breathing at him like that, even over the attenuated medium of the webcam, still hit him pretty hard.

She opened her eyes. "Okay. Proceed."

He swallowed and had to take a deep breath of his own before continuing. She didn't seem to notice. "So maybe it's Fej that gets mugged," he said slowly. "Carmen arrives in the city, heads to a bar, sees Fej and the rowdy townies in an alley, goes to rescue him, but he's already talked them out of mugging him and instead they're thanking him for his good advice and agreeing to go to his church on Sunday."

"Or that's what would have happened, had Carmen not stepped in." Annie's eyes were bright. "She assumed the worst and drop-kicked a townie from behind right as Fej was saying, 'Be the change you want to see in the world.' Boom, right in the back, down he went like a sack of potatoes." She set her wineglass down on the table by her laptop with an audible clink.

"Sure," he said amiably. "Fej assisted Carmen in taking care of the other townies, since they assumed we were in cahoots."

"And then, then!" Annie pointed at him, through the webcam. "Then Carmen finds out that she attacked the guys for no reason, and she wants to buy Fej a drink to apologize, and also because he's good-looking and tall, but she doesn't have any money because she's a barbarian from the wastelands! So Fej buys her a drink instead, because she's impressive with her sword and high-heeled boots!"

"And then it's late and they're tired and Carmen doesn't have any money for a room at the inn, so Fej takes her back to his place, at the temple. The rectory or cloister or monastery, I don't know what they'd have called it."

"Mmm, no, Carmen's not going to sleep with him on the first date," Annie said, shaking her head. "She's very big on propriety, small-tribe values. Fej hasn't even given her  _ one  _ reindeer. Plus it would be kind of trashy, like she was sleeping with him just to have a roof over her head."

"Well, what, then?" Jeff was a little peeved that Annie had rejected his pitch, but only a little. They were in agreement as to the big-picture arc of Carmen and Fej's relationship, after all. "I guess it'd be too easy if they just fell into bed right after meeting."

"Maybe there was a youth center at temple, where Carmen got a cot for the night," she suggested. "And then through temple, Carmen was put in touch with the local Fighter's Guild, or whatever, and started working as an adventurer. Killing rats in basements, running kids off from work sites, stuff like that."

"Okay…" Jeff considered. "Okay. Meanwhile, Fej could use some extra cash and he figures if Carmen can do it, he can, so he signs up for freelance Guild work, too."

"Oh? And then he finagled a way that the two of them were assigned to guard the same donkey, or something?"

"No, Fej just asked her out. She's very pretty and he liked her. And like you said, they basically had a low-key date already, the night they met."

"Okay, so he courted her. I like that," Annie said. "What did that look like?"

"No reindeer," Jeff said firmly. "He did the go-to move of he took her to a nice restaurant where he showed off his table manners and urbane conversation skills. Not too formal, because he wanted her to be at ease. But fancy. Probably fancier than anywhere she'd been before that. He bought her delicious food and plied her with a little wine."

"Is that really a go-to move?" Annie wrinkled her nose. "I'm not sure anyone has ever done that for me. When we got lunch together at Greendale you always wanted to split the check." She sounded surprised at her own memory, like this was yet another thing she hadn't thought about since it happened.

"You said you dated a couple of East Coast guys," Jeff said, a little defensive despite his best efforts.

She blinked in bemusement. "Yeah…neither of them were really buy-a-girl-fancy-food kind of guys. If I wanted something I could recognize as romantic I had to set it up myself."

Jeff flushed slightly. "Regardless of the caliber of men that have pursued you and the caliber of dates they were capable of arranging," he said, "Fej wants to show Carmen a good time. There's got to be several nice restaurants in…what city were they in? Not Tarksas, right?"

"Not Tarksas," Annie agreed. "What's a fantasy city? Minas Tirith? No, they wouldn't have temple there."

"You realize the temple of Tyr isn't like Temple Beth Shalom, right?" Jeff cocked his head.

Annie opened her mouth to respond, then closed it again to consider her words carefully. "Couldn't it be, though?" she eventually asked. "I mean, it's just you and me here."

He shrugged, pushing away a sudden wash of panic about how, yes, it was just the two of them. They were just doing this, working it all out, for themselves and each other, not for Abed or anyone else. And that was fine. They were, undeniably, both adults. They could talk about Dungeons and Dragons if they wanted to. "Okay, if you say so. I mean, I have about as much firsthand personal experience with Tyrianism as I do with Judaism."

"I'm not saying Fej is actually a rabbi or anything," Annie said, "but, you say temple, that's what I picture. Like, a community center. Civic outreach. I said there was a youth center with cots. And a playground, probably."

"All right, fine." He held up his hands in mock surrender. "The temple of Tyr has all the amenities of a typical American synagogue."

"Plus a rectory, so Fej has someplace to sleep," Annie suggested. She thought a moment. "Fej isn't the only cleric there, right? I assumed he was part of a whole big order of priests and teachers."

"Yeah, I had the same thought," Jeff replied. "He leaves them to go adventuring with Carmen and I don't think they miss him too much."

"I'm sure they missed you," Annie said loyally. "You're very missable."

Jeff gestured as if to say yes, that was understood. "Thank you. But I didn't create a Fej-shaped void in the organization that they had to fill ASAP. I was one of a number of, like, grad students."

"So Fej was about thirty, and living in a dorm?" Annie made a face.

"He's half-elven, remember, he probably spent all his twenties being a teenager for twice the usual time. At thirty he exits his parents' basement, puts away his video games, and goes to temple to become a man. A half-elf," he corrected himself. "A cleric."

"All right. I'm just thinking out loud, Carmen has standards." Annie gestured vaguely. "And just because you're tall, and big, and charming, and smart, and you make her feel special…"

Jeff raised an eyebrow. "I make you feel special?"

"Sure, like, it's a little chilly one evening and you notice I'm cold and you don't even say anything, you just take your jacket off and put it across my shoulders, wrap it around me, and I just feel very cared for, and loved, and…" She trailed off, suddenly embarrassed. "And that's just one example, off the top of my head."

"All right then." Jeff ticked items off on his fingers. "Fej is tall, big, which is separate from tall—"

"Athletic," Annie said. "I meant athletic."

"Athletic," Jeff said in correction. "Charming, smart, makes her feel special, rakishly good-looking, and also has his life together enough that he's not just a layabout grifting off the Tyrians' charity."

Annie nodded, accepting the summary.

"And so, Fej takes Carmen to a nice restaurant in…crap, we didn't name the city." 

"Green…haven," Annie said, having had an idea and then thinking better of it halfway through saying it aloud. "Greenhaven. Or Bluehaven. Bluehaven."

"Bluehaven. They're from Bluehaven," Jeff tried it out. "Bluehaven. Okay."

"Fej is from Bluehaven. Carmen is from the eastern wastes," Annie reminded him. "No, wait. Western wastes? It was one or the other." She started looking through her notes, trying to find something useful.

Jeff had pulled up one of Abed's emails. "Tarksas is supposed to be on the east coast of the continent, by the Desert of Lop, so we must be in the eastern wastes in the game right now. Which means Carmen is from the western wastes. Bluehaven is probably in that general area. West of someplace. I don't think we need to care about the geography of it. I don't know where the eastern and western wastes are supposed to be in relation to one another."

"I just meant Carmen was a newcomer to Bluehaven when she met Fej," she said with a shrug. "She came directly from the city gates to the bar where she rescued him from the muggers. She's not from Bluehaven. And I think I just made up eastern wastes and western wastes as a thing…"

There was a pause in the conversation. Not a fraught, tense pause, weighted down with import and hidden meaning. Not awkward at all, just a couple of friends being quiet for a moment. Just a relaxed fragment of time during which neither of them had anything in particular to say and they were just enjoying one another's televisual company. They sipped their drinks.

"I don't think this is interesting enough for the folks at home," Jeff said, eventually, which got a laugh from her. "We should get back to describing our D&D characters' imaginary second date."

"I like how you made sure to include 'imaginary' in there," Annie observed. "Really reminds me of the stakes, here…but you know, I was just thinking, it's two hours later where I am and it's about midnight where you are…"

Jeff blinked in surprise, as he'd lost track of time. "Oh, right. Wow. We can pick this up another time, sure." He yawned, as if it were his bedtime they were up way past, not hers.

His yawn triggered one in Annie. "And you can tell me about your job," she said afterwards. "I was going to ask. I forgot until just now."

Annie's yawn was threatening to bounce back and make Jeff yawn, again. "It's not that exciting," he said sleepily, "I'm just a hired gun—"

"Ah ah ah, no spoilers." Annie made a shushing sound that turned into a barely-suppressed yawn partway through. Way too many yawns threatening to break out. "I'll see you on Thursday, okay? Good night!"

"Good night," Jeff said.

They looked at each other for a couple of seconds, both reflecting that if they were meeting in person they evening would have ended with, bare minimum, a friendly handshake or a businesslike head pat. Then each smiled, a little tightly, and turned off their screens and went to their  _ extremely  _ separate beds.

Great, Jeff thought. It was great. Definitely no way this could go south on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to amrywiol and bethanyactually. Thanks to everyone who comments and/or leaves kudos, it's massively appreciated.
> 
> Also, listen, if you're not already familiar with it, I wrote a whole other Jeff/Annie post-season-six fanfic that's set right after season six instead of five years later. Jeff and Annie are in the same city for most of it! There is a tremendous amount of pining!! Several people liked it! It's called "Everybody Knows" and it's on this very website! And if you liked that, then maybe you would like an AU which is a fourth season of the show that builds on the end of season three and presumes that the actual fourth, fifth, and sixth seasons didn't happen? It's called "Here This Whole Time" and it's ALSO on this very website. Again, several people liked it!


	6. Frenzy frenzy frenzy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next is a little D&D-heavy, fair warning. There's other stuff, too, though! And as always thanks to bethanyactually and amrywiol.

DAY 20 (THURSDAY 2 APRIL 2020)

"I might be getting married," Britta said as soon as she joined the meeting. She looked very clean, well-scrubbed, in glasses and earth tones. "Maybe not. Probably? It depends. Frankie is going to look into it."

"Con…congratulations?" Annie said, to break the startled silence that followed.

Britta didn't seem to notice the stunned expressions. "I told her what you said, Shirley, about it being fiscally prudent, and she did some back-of-the-envelope calculations and said we were really leaving money on the table by not filing jointly, she thought."

"Oh, that's nice," Shirley said slowly. Her hair was in a different night bonnet than last time, purple satin maybe. "I mean, if it works out for you. And her."

"Frankie is a woman, right?" Troy asked no one in particular.

"It's 2020, Troy, don't be small-minded," Britta told him. "It's not a big deal, I just thought you'd be interested, Shirley, since it was your idea. Frankie was like, really? You'd be up for that? And I was like sure, why not. How's Elijah?"

"Who cares?" Shirley cried. "He's doing much better, thank you. And nobody else has any symptoms, praise Jesus. But Britta, dear! I thought you weren't actually a couple." Shirley scooted forward a little in her seat, ready for gossip. "I mean, I don't judge. I would hope that the tax break wouldn't be the sole motivator for you wanting to bind yourself in the eyes of the Lord to the woman you love—"

"Whoa!" Britta threw up her hands. "Nobody said love! I like men! I still like men. It's been a while since I found one I liked, actually," she said thoughtfully.

"You liked me," Troy pointed out. He poured himself a refill from a pitcher of what looked like water with lemon slices in it.

"I definitely liked you," Britta agreed. "But you lost interest and that was, what, seven or eight years ago, and…" She broke off, startled by her own words. "God, was that really my last relationship?"

"Or was it merely your last long-term heterosexual relationship?" Abed suggested. He had a tumbler of water with lemon, too.

"Are Frankie and I a couple?" Britta asked seriously.

"You tell us," Annie said. She was equal parts sympathetic, perplexed and amused. "So you don't love Frankie?"

Everyone stared at Britta as she visibly thought this over.

"I mean, yeah, I guess I love her," Britta said slowly. "She's, like, my best friend. I love her, I'd take a bullet for her, do jail time… she's my best friend."

"That's an important part of it," Annie said encouragingly.

"But I'm not, like,  _ horny  _ for Frankie. We've just been roommates for years, and she handles the money stuff—we got a joint checking account and credit cards in both our names to rebuild my credit, that's how that started. We hang out a lot. We share food, which you guys were always weird about, and we split the chores so I don't have to clean the bathroom and she doesn't have to do laundry. We go on vacations together and junk. We went out to dinner on her birthday at the Faded Rose, and we were going to go again for my birthday but, you know, global pandemic…She was my date to my cousin's wedding, technically. I had a plus one and she seemed interested…"

Troy was nodding vigorously. "We invited you to our holiday party last year, and she came, too," he pointed out.

"I also invited Frankie separately," Abed said quietly.

"Hey," Troy said to the webcam. "Don't look like that, we invited all y'all, but Britta and her gal pal were the only ones who came from the old Greendale crew."

"Well, you know," Annie flailed, "the holidays, travel, it was a long way to go and I already hadn't seen you guys in…Britta!"

Britta snapped to attention. "Huh?"

"We were talking about Britta and Frankie. Usually when you're part of a couple with someone you're extremely aware of it," Annie declared.

Quiet up to this point, Jeff chose that moment to speak. Annie couldn't help noting, despite everything, that he looked amazing in a sweater that might have just been painted on. He'd clearly been keeping up the weightlifting routine. "Not always," he said. "It  _ can  _ sneak up on you."

For the bazillionth time in the last two days Annie wished Jeff was in the same room as her, although this time it was just because she wanted to smack him.

"I should talk to her about it," Britta said, and started to get up. "Hold on a sec, would you guys?"

"Wait, wait!" Shirley waves frantically. "Before you go! Do you sleep in the same bed?"

"Um." Britta seemed to find this a difficult question. "Not usually. Sometimes."

"Sometimes?" Shirley pressed.

"LIke when it's cold, or we're watching a movie on the good TV, or…" Britta's eyes slowly widened. "I'm not on trial here, I don't have to explain anything to you guys!"

"Would you say you ever get romantic?" Troy asked. "Like, big-picture, do things ever take a turn for the sexy? Do you ever just make out?"

"No," Britta said quickly. Then she squinted in concentration. "Well…Mostly no."

"Would you be concerned if you suddenly learned she was seeing someone else?" Annie offered. "I assume she isn't, right now."

Britta shook her head no. "No, I mean, she's said she wouldn't do that unless I…anyway I don't think she's…" She trailed off.

It was like you could see the pieces falling into place, Annie marveled, as Britta's eyes widened. "Guys, Frankie might actually  _ be  _ my girlfriend! I mean, I know I was joking about it, but…I think she is!"

"Yeah, that kind of thing, you're always the last to know," Jeff said wryly as Britta finally leaped out of her chair and ran from the room. The wide-angle lens on her webcam showed her disappear through a door, presumably towards Frankie.

After a few seconds Britta's microphone picked up some muffled shouting. Everyone strained to hear.

Troy grunted in frustration. "I can't make out—"

He broke off abruptly when Annie, Shirley, Jeff, and Abed all shushed him in unison. They sat in silence for what seemed like a half-hour but probably was under a minute. Then, the door of the home office opened and Frankie entered. She looked exactly as Annie remembered her, except her hair had gone gray.

Frankie stepped up to the webcam and bent down. "Hello everyone," she said into it with a flat smile. "Abed, Annie, Jeff, their friend Troy, and someone I don't recognize but whom I assume from context must be Shirley. Britta is indisposed at the moment and regrets she will not be able to pretend to be a gnome during tonight's scheduled game of make-believe. Rather than cancel or postpone the festivities, she would prefer you all pretend to be gnomes without her, and she will rejoin you next week. Now please excuse me, Britta has gotten some big news, and needs me. I will not be taking questions at this time. We should catch up on some other occasion. Perhaps next week? Thank you for your understanding." Her smile tightened very slightly as she disconnected from the meeting.

"Congratulations on your engagement!" Annie cried out, but she couldn't tell if Frankie heard her.

"Huh. So I guess we still don't know one way or another," Troy said thoughtfully.

"I'll send them some cookies," Shirley decided. "When I have time. And when no one here is at risk of being contagious. Does Frankie have any food allergies, does anyone know?"

"She doesn't like onions on pizza, Waldorf salad, or soft cheeses in general," Abed said.

"I have to say I did not see that one coming," Jeff said, stroking not just his chin but the whole lower half of his face. He'd gotten stubbly again, not that Annie was obsessively paying attention to that kind of thing. "Although," he continued, "I suppose she's basically Frankie's housepet at this point."

"Every relationship is different," Annie said. "You can't always judge from the outside."

"Well, we're one person short but her girlfriend told us to play without her," Abed said. "Shall we begin, or are we going to talk about feelings some more?"

"Ashley's right, man, you just have no romance," Troy told him.

"Let's go ahead and get started," Annie said, because while many, many questions sprang to mind regarding Ashley and her opinions, Annie could really only handle revelations about other people's romantic lives at a rate of one per game session. "Shirley, I know you've been looking forward to this, right? Or we can put it off if you'd rather."

"No, no, we should play," Shirley said. "Does Britta's character vanish in a puff of smoke, or do we just pretend she's here, or…?"

"Crumples wakes up with a terrible migraine, unable to participate in striking the camp. She requests someone carry her piggyback, which shouldn't be a problem as she weighs only thirty pounds," Abed declared.

"Oh, Carmen can carry her, then," Annie said. She checked her character sheet. "She could haul an additional three Crumpleses without getting encumbrance penalties, in fact."

"Yes, yes, you're crazy strong, we're all duly impressed," Jeff said. 

"During the first session Britta objected to 'crazy' used as a pejorative," Abed said. "She also herself used the phrase 'stir-crazy,' but even so, I feel in honor of her engagement I should comment on your choice of words, Jeff."

Troy sniffed. "I take it back, that was beautiful, man."

Jeff threw his hands up in mock surrender. "Fine. Cheerfully retracted. We've camped overnight on the banks of the Brown River, right? We're healed up, everybody's got their spells back, except Carmen who doesn't do magic—"

"Ugh, rub that in my face some more." Annie smiled at Jeff, who smiled back, shared-with-Shirley-and-Troy-and-Abed-webcam-feed be damned. "While you all were reading your books and practicing your card tricks, drinking every night and partying all day at your fancy four-year wizard colleges," she added, "I studied the blade."

"For the record I don't think any of us went to a four-year wizard college, fancy or otherwise," said Jeff.

"Crumples, maybe," suggested Troy. "She seems like she has a four-year degree in Clowning from some expensive ivy-league school, now she's saddled with debt, forced to clown at some random Chili's to make rent…Man, we've all been there. Speaking of Crumples, is she okay?"

"She's fine," Annie said. She pantomimed patting a tiny gnome clinging to her back. "She's just extremely hung over. I'm sure she'll be fine with plenty of fluids and some extra rest."

"Great. We're heading upriver, following the Brown River to its source in the Brown Hills, in search of the Lost City of Brownville," Jeff said.

"Casablanca," Shirley corrected. Jeff shrugged.

Abed was rolling dice and checking his notes. "It's five days of steady hiking from where you camped to the edges of the hills. How do you avoid starving?"

"I have some trail rations," Troy began doubtfully. "Not enough for five people for five days, though."

"We can forage and hunt for game as we go," Annie said. "I looked it up. It's a Survival skill check, everybody roll that."

Everybody did. Only Carmen was proficient in Survival but Fej rolled well and between the two of them they were able to keep everybody else fed, warm, and comfortable.

"You travel half as fast while foraging," Abed said, "so it's ten days to the edge of the Hills."

"It's a real team-building, outward-bound type experience," Troy announced. "We're close as family now. Like the Traveling Wilburys. I trust each of you with my life."

"Míriel's magic keeps everybody cool and clean, and ensures Míriel's makeup remains on point," Shirley said.

"Oh, it's like a fun travel montage," Annie said. "Carmen shoots a rabbit, then Ector shoots a rabbit, then Crumples throws a pie at a rabbit."

"Is Crumples still hung over, ten days later?" Jeff asked. "That seems like something beyond mere overindulgence."

"Crumples recovers from the hangover and decides to take a ten-day vow of silence and passivity to atone for her hedonistic, hard-drinking ways," Abed said flatly. "Don't worry about her, she mimes, then curls up in Carmen's backpack and doesn't come out for a week. Everybody roll Perception."

Everybody did, in a general dice hurlyburly.

"Shirley, you hear the distant sound of hunting horns coming from the north-northwest. The river runs due north from here, and you're on the west side of it," Abed said.

"This sounds like a word problem," Shirley said with a frown. "So there's horns ahead of us, on this side of the river? What's the terrain here?"

"It's basically mud and scrub and patches of corn," Abed said. "Years ago this was all farmland but after the Great Disaster the area was largely abandoned. There's a lot of little rills and dips; you can't see as far as you can hear."

"Míriel signals to the others and passes on what she heard," Shirley said. She looked down at her spell list and made a face. "I don't have anything useful for this…"

"We ready ourselves for the fight that seems like it's about to happen," Jeff said. "Time to roll initiative?"

Abed nodded. There was another hurlyburly of everybody rolling dice and calling out numbers while Abed made a list.

"A mounted archer comes into view," Abed said, "from the brush and bracken. About three hundred feet away, she comes to a halt, her horse spinning around under her. She and her horse are both green and antlered and swollen with fervid life—"

"Sorry, what?" Shirley interrupted.

"Fat green woman with antlers on a fat green horse with antlers. Both wear only ribbons. The woman has a bow that is either bedecked with ribbons, or is made from ribbons," Abed said flatly, as though he were listing off breakfast options from a diner menu. "She shoots Miriel for six damage."

"Ouch! Abed!" cried Shirley. "Don't single me out just because I asked a question!"

"I didn't single you out, I rolled her target randomly," Abed replied. "Carmen, you have initiative."

Annie bit her lip. Three hundred feet was a lot of ground to cover. "I'll sit tight for right now. Delay," she said. Maybe a closer target would present itself.

Abed nodded. "Miriel."

"Can I hide in the grass?" Shirley asked. "I don't like getting shot with arrows."

"You  _ are  _ glowing with magical starlight," Abed pointed out.

Shirley nodded tightly. "Míriel throws up her arms and shouts for parley. 'Ho! Ho, fey!' Do I need to roll for that?" When Abed nodded she rolled a die. "Persuasion of…seventeen."

"Seventeen," repeated Abed. He checked something. "Good, but not good enough," he said. "The woman shouts back something you don't understand because none of you know the secret language of the faeries. She laughs at her own joke, as does her horse, and she makes a rude gesture at Miriel."

"Uncalled for," muttered Shirley.

"Another mounted archer rides into view. This one looks exactly the same as the first, except for his thick mossy beard. He's male." Another pause while Abed checked something, rolled dice. "He shoots Miriel for four more damage."

"Ah!" cried Shirley in alarm. 

"Ugh, okay, Carmen runs towards the archers," Annie said. "I can only make it sixty feet this round. I'm stomping through the tall grass, corn. I guess my head is barely visible over it?"

Abed nodded slightly. "Crumples?" No one responded immediately. "Crumples is clinging to Carmen's back. Annie, you take control of her," Abed said. "I'm sending you her info now."

"Oh!" Annie checked her email and saw the somewhat baffling set of rough notes Britta had forwarded to Abed, and his corrections. "Crumples is a bard, right? She sings a little song about how great Carmen is, to motivate her."

Jeff snorted. "Carmen, Carmen, faster than light-ning," he sang, "no one can be, smarter than she…"

"Not what I would have gone with," said Shirley. "Maybe something like 'Carmen are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Carmen?' Just off the top of my head."

"It's bardic magic!" Annie said defensively. "Don't make me come over there."

"Crumples gives Carmen a d6 of bardic inspiration," Abed declared. "Ector."

Troy shrugged. "Ector catches up to Carmen. I'm taller than the tall grass, at least."

"Fej."

"Fej chases Ector," Jeff said. "I only go forty feet because of my armor."

"Then a third mounted archer appears. This one has neither pendulous breasts nor mossy beard," Abed said. "They wear a mask made of golden leaves, and nothing else. They set aside their hunting-horn and shoot…Ector…hitting him for five damage. That's the end of round one. Round two, the horned woman rides a hundred and twenty feet forward and shoots Ector again, hitting him for seven more. Miriel, you're up."

"Damn," said Troy. "Why don't any of us have bows like that? Poor planning, guys, poor planning."

"When you say appears," Annie said. "You mean they just pop in, or…?"

"They emerge from the corn and underbrush," Abed said.

" 'Underbrush?' " Jeff repeated. "Abed, have you ever seen a cornfield?"

"It's Dungeons and Dragons," Troy said. "Magic is real, the corn has underbrush that hides horses, and everybody can perfectly estimate distances to the nearest five feet without a chance of error."

"Fair enough." Shirley sighed. "Míriel runs after Carmen, Ector, and Fej, passing Fej and catching up to Carmen and Ector. Her gown is getting all muddy and stained, which she doesn't have time to repair in the thick of battle."

"The bearded bowman rides up to his female counterpart and says something incomprehensible to her. Then she points, and he shoots…Ector, but misses," Abed said. "Carmen, then Crumples."

"Carmen tries to close with the two archers," Annie said, "but she can only get sixty feet out from them, if I did the math right…" Seeing Abed nod, she continued. "Then, Crumples casts  _ vicious mockery  _ on the woman. She says something mean about her ribbons." Annie wondered why Britta hadn't been using this spell constantly: it seemed like a perfect fit for her.

Abed rolled some dice. "The woman shrugs it off. The fey are resistant to Crumples's magic, she can tell. Ector?"

"I move up with Carmen, again," Troy said.

"And Fej?"

"Still chasing everybody," Jeff said. "Miriel is in range for  _ healing word, _ right? I cast that on her, heal her for five."

"Oh, bless you," said Shirley. "Mirlel was down below half hit points."

"The third archer, who doesn't adhere to the gender binary of the other two, moves up next to them and shoots Carmen, missing," Abed said. "Then at the top of round three, the woman rides up forty feet and shoots Ector from eighty feet, which is short range for her. She misses. Miriel?"

"Can Míriel catch up to Carmen and Ector?" Shirley asked. "She does that."

"The male faerie moves to match the female, shoots Ector again, misses. He curses in the secret language of the faeries, and his green antlered horse nods sympathetically." said Abed. "Carmen and Crumples?"

Annie grimaced, as eighty feet was still too far for Carmen to close in one round. "I move up thirty feet and use my action to chuck a javelin at the woman with the ribbons," she said, and rolled. "23 hits? Four damage."

Abed nodded. "The javelin shoots through the air and embeds right in her shoulder. She shouts something unintelligible and her horse bucks a little. Crumples?"

"Crumples…" Annie scanned Britta's notes. "Oh!" she said brightly. "Crumples hops off Carmen's back and does a little somersault, then she runs up as far as she can, twenty-five more feet, and then she casts  _ Tasha's hideous laughter  _ on the woman's horse."

"On the horse?" Abed raised an eyebrow. "Animals are immune to  _ hideous laughter  _ , they don't have a sense of humor."

"On the horse," Annie repeated firmly. "It's a fairy horse, right? You said it laughed at its rider's joke."

"You did say that," Jeff said thoughtfully.

Abed considered. "Okay," he said, and rolled some dice. "The horse is overwhelmed with a laughing fit and falls over. The antlered woman falls off. She does not think this is funny at all."

"So, wait, what does that look like?" asked Troy.

"Crumples does a pratfall infused with magical bardic energy," Annie said. "Everybody thinks it's hilarious, but especially the horse. No, wait, there's too much grass and corn and stuff, the horse wouldn't have a good view. Crumples makes a joke about how the horse has an extra-long face because of the antlers. It's not very funny, but it's just a delivery system for Crumples's magic."

"So suddenly Crumples becomes devastatingly effective," Jeff said.

Annie might have been blushing, she wasn't sure. "I wouldn't say devastating," she murmured as she played with her hair, briefly eighteen again.

"Wow, okay," Troy said. "I'm next, right? I keep moving up."

"Me too," Jeff said. "And, uh, Troy, you got arrowed some right?  _ Healing word  _ on Ector, for…five. And you can make an attack."

"Ector is still twenty feet from the nearest foe," Abed said. "You can throw a rock."

Troy rolled a die. "Seven! So, never mind. Thanks for the healing, though."

"Ector throws a rock in an expression of mute frustration at his lack of ranged weapons. Then the nonbinary archer catches up to their partners, shoots Ector, and…misses," Abed said. "That's the end of the round. One of the archers, the woman, is down on the ground, next to her convulsing-with-laughter horse. The other two archers remain mounted and are with her. Twenty feet away from them is Ector, behind him is Crumples. Then another twenty-five feet to where Carmen is, and thirty feet behind her are Miriel and Fej."

"See, this is why they use the little figurines," Troy said. "To keep track of positioning. It's not just that they're fun to paint."

"At the top of the fourth round, the fairy-horse…fails to shrug off the magic, and keeps laughing," Abed said as he rolled a die. "The antlered woman gets up, though. She throws her bow onto the ground and one of her ribbons stiffens and becomes a sword. Then she charges Crumples and…hits, for four damage."

"Ouch," said Annie. Four wasn't much in the grand scheme of D&D, but Crumples only had twelve hit points because Britta made her.

Shirley grunted. "Míriel strides confidently next to Carmen, adjusts her hair slightly, then calls on the dread powers of Ungoliant's brood to shroud all these fairies and their damn horses.  _ Web," _ she said.

Abed rolled more dice. "Okay, the bearded fairy and his fairy horse avoid the spiderwebs as they coalesce around them. And the woman is out of range, because she moved to close with Crumples. The others are caught. Beard-o stomps through the webbing on the ground, like he's trying to leap lightly over it but it's too sticky, and then he shoots an arrow at Miriel…hitting for nine."

"Nine?" Shirley leaned forward. "Did you say nine? Nine? I'm—Míriel is down to three hit points."

"Meanwhile, his horse staggers out of the web, bits of spidersilk still enmeshed in its antlers. It tries to trample Crumples, and…does, hitting her for seven."

"Okay, wow, and Crumples is at one hit point," said Annie. "Carmen and Crumples now, right? FRENZY!" she cried, much louder than necessary.

Jeff coughed. "I'm sorry?"

Annie gestured dramatically. "FRENZY!!"

"Annie?"

"Carmen enters a berserker frenzy," Annie said. "She screams and waves her two-handed sword around over her head. 'Whoo-hoo-hoop!' " she shouted, and immediately regretted it as it sounded much too silly. "Anyway I'm resistant to physical damage and starting next round I get another attack. Right now I'm trying to kill the horse that's trampling Crumples…ugh, seven has to be a miss…and Crumples…Crumples dodges, she's at one hit point. She sings a little song about how wonderful Ector is, so he has bardic inspiration, too. 'Ector, Ector, you're our man, if you can't do it, no one can.' Like that."

"Okay, okay. I'll attack the guy, I guess," Troy said. "Crap, that's…twelve, that's a miss, right?"

"I just gave you inspiration, use that," Annie said. 

"Oh, right. That's…do I re-roll? No." Troy was flipping through a book. "I add another d6 to the roll. Plus two. Fourteen."

"Fourteen hits," said Abed. "He tries to parry your blow with his bow but it's made of leaves, so that doesn't work."

"Great, and then…eleven damage," Troy said, rolling again. "See? I am your man. Always knew it. Never any doubt."

"My turn," said Jeff. "I step over to Miriel and then I cast  _ aid  _ on Crumples, Carmen, and Miriel, they each gain five hit points and Carmen can attack again."

"Die you stupid horse! Frenzy, frenzy!" Annie rolled a three. "Ugh, never mind. I will hit eventually. I'm just too frenzied to control my swings, it's all wild over here."

"The nonbinary archer and their horse continue to thrash in the webs," Abed said. "There's also a horse in the webs who is convulsing with uncontrollable laughter. The woman is fighting Crumples, the man is fighting Ector, and Carmen is fighting a horse. Miriel and Fej are hanging out. Then, at the start of round five, the laughing horse…keeps right on laughing, and the antlered woman…misses Crumples. She's cursing a blue streak, at one point switching to Common and calling Crumples a tiny pestilential locust."

"Oh, so she does speak Common," Shirley declared. "She just doesn't want to talk to us mortals. Well, Míriel isn't actually mortal. She's slumming it with all you child-peoples."

"You never speak in character as Miriel and yet I do feel like I'm getting a sense of who she is as a person," Jeff said.

"Míriel casts  _ infestation  _ on the bearded fairy-man, making bugs crawl up over him from out of the ground. How's he like that? Not much I assume." Shirley's expression was pugnacious. "He takes…three poison damage, and wanders five feet in a random direction, not provoking opportunity attacks. Assuming he fails his save."

"He does, actually," Abed said, "though his fairy body is resistant to all earthly magics, including Miriel's. He screeches and wriggles and bugs go flying off him. Then he throws down his bow, which is covered with insects anyway, and draws a sword made of leaves and teeth."

"Where does he draw it from, exactly?" asked Annie. "He's naked, right? Or don't I want to know?" Now that she'd asked, she suspected she did not want to know.

"It just sort of comes together out of loose bits of material he's got clinging to his person," Abed said. "Very  _ Pan's Labyrinth. _ He stabs Miriel for four damage. Then his horse goes  _ whurr  _ and strikes at Carmen with its hooves…hitting for fourteen damage."

"Horses go  _ whir  _ ?" Jeff asked.

Abed tried again.  _ "Whurrr, whurry-whurry." _ He pantomimed a horse rearing back.

"Okay. Second question, did you say fourteen damage?" Annie asked. "Fourteen is kind of a lot."

"It's a horse," Abed said. "The expression isn't 'as weak as a horse,' or 'as harmless as a horse.' And this is a green fairy-horse with antlers. Carmen just got kicked by a green antlered horse."

"It's physical damage, though, right? I take half damage because I'm in a frenzy?"

"Right," Abed said as though he were explaining something for the third or fourth time. "so it stomps you for fourteen but you only take seven. And then Carmen has the initiative."

"Great." Annie sat up a little. "I kill the horse. 'We could have been friends,' I say to it." She rolled her dice. "Nineteen, and then with my second attack…also nineteen, huh."

"That's two hits."

"And that's…two six-sided, plus three, plus two for the frenzy, and then another two six-sided, plus three and two again…twenty-four. Twenty-four damage to the horse."

"The horse evaporates," said Abed.

"Whoa, really?" Troy asked him.

Abed nodded. "There's an explosion of green smoke and glitter and the smell of patchouli, and then there's just trampled grass where the horse used to be."

"Finally," said Annie. "I still have my movement left, I want to close with the male fairy. In case somebody gives me another attack, Jeff…then Crumples makes fun of, uh, the woman. Or tries to.  _ Vicious mockery  _ again."

Abed rolled. "And she fails, so she takes…?"

Annie rolled. "Three."

"Three psychic damage from feeling bad about herself. Ector?"

"I, uh, I attack," Troy said. He was distracted by something outside the frame of the webcam, that Abed didn't seem to notice. "Can I get to the woman? …That's a hit, dang, five damage."

"She snarls at you and calls you a feeble bluecloaked rabbit-man," Abed said. "Fej is up."

"First I put a  _ healing word  _ on Miriel for five with my bonus action, then  _ guidance  _ Carmen for the free attack," Jeff said quickly. "On the naked bearded hippie man with the antlers."

"He reminds me of one of my ex-boyfriends," Annie said as she rolled. "Boom, that's a hit, twenty-two, and…ten damage. I don't suppose that drops him?"

Abed shook his head. "At the bottom of the initiative order, the nonbinary archer and their horse break out of the  _ web  _ they were in, and then at the top of round six, the horse Crumples enchanted recovers. It's still caught in Miriel's  _ web, _ though. Sure, okay." The last bit was delivered to someone offscreen. Annie saw a woman's hand (unless it was a man's, with a manicure and nail polish, which wasn't impossible) grab Abed's empty tumbler, and a moment later, the same hand snatched up Troy's. "Thanks, babe," Abed told the offscreen woman. "Love you."

"Love you!" Troy called, the way he would have if the woman were walking out of the room. "It's nice of her to get refills," he said to either Abed or the group in general. "Love that."

"Love that," Abed agreed. "We should do something for her. Pizza, you think?"

"She does like pizza," Troy said. He turned back to his computer and appeared to be doing something. Annie couldn't tell what, of course, but it was the kind of attention she would have expected Troy to apply to ordering pizza online.

"She likes broccoli," Abed told Troy.

"I know, I know," Troy said, in a tone that suggested Troy had forgotten this sometime in the past and Abed reminded him of it more often than was necessary.

"Guys," Annie said. "Guys!"

Abed turned his attention back to the game. "Top of round six. The laughing horse stops laughing. The naked-but-for-ribbons, lime green, antlered, Rubenesque woman stabs Crumples for nine damage."

"Crumples was dodging," Annie said.

"Yeah," said Abed, "I know. Shirley, you're up."

"Crumples was dodging because she was down to six hit points," Annie said. 

"Abed," Shirley said, "did you just kill Britta's character?"

"That does not seem like a very good way to celebrate her engagement," Jeff said. He was leaning back, arms crossed, just enjoying the show. "Relax, I'll get her back up. Or Ector can."

"In the meantime it's Shirley's turn," said Abed.

Shirley made a concerned murmur. "Hippie girl's standing over Crumples, right? Míriel sends her the bugs.  _ Infestation  _ again."

Abed rolled. "Despite having advantage on the save, she fails."

"Four poison damage and she goes ugh-ugh-get-'em-offa-me-get-'em-offa-me," Shirley rubbed her arms uncomfortably. "She ends up wandering away from Crumples."

"She does indeed." Abed's tone was sanguine. "Carmen, your turn."

"Carmen screams out a curse, regarding the apparent death of one of her dearest friends, and lays into the closest target," Annie said. She rolled her dice. "Closest target is the guy, right? Does a thirteen hit? No? Seventeen does, though, right? She catches him on the backswing for twelve damage."

"He poofs away the same way that his horse did before," Abed said. "Carmen has glitter all over her now. Normally by this point in a combat she'd be covered in blood."

"Oh," Annie said, pleased. "I like that." She glanced at Jeff, but due to the webcam and the distance it was impossible to tell if he was picturing her covered in glitter. "I think Ector and Miriel have the woman under control, so I'll move to intercept the enby and their horse. Can I get all the way to them, or are they too far in the  _ web  _ ?"

"Do you want to enter the web to get to them?" Abed asked.

"No. No, I'll just stand at the edge," Annie decided.

"Crumples needs to make a death save," Abed said. "Roll a d20. Ten or higher is a success, nine or less fails, three failures and Crumples bleeds to death, three successes and she stabilizes and you can stop rolling. On a twenty she wakes up with one hit point. Don't roll a one."

"Eighteen," Annie said. "Say, does Carmen know if it's normal for fairies to be exploding in glitter like this? Or for them to just attack us for no reason?"

"You can spend your next turn thinking about it, if you want," Abed said. "Knowing about fey is an Arcana skill check."

Carmen's Arcana skill bonus was negative one, so Annie decided not to do that. 

"Okay, I'm going to try to drop this green lady," Troy said. "It's my turn, right? I cast  _ wrathful smite  _ and bash her in the face…yeah! Eighteen hits, that's…fourteen damage, with the  _ smite  _ bonus. She drop?"

Abed shook his head. "Sadly she had fifteen hit points left, so she's still standing. She's just extremely angry. It's like this fight isn't going how she was expecting it to, what with her friends turning into glittery clouds, and that frustrates her. Fej, it's your turn."

Jeff was stroking his chin, thoughtfully. "I was going to  _ bless  _ people, but it's kind of late in the fight for that. I could  _ healing word  _ Crumples, but maybe I should save that…Carmen's not in position for  _ guidance… _ You say the fairy woman is at one hit point?"

"Technically Fej doesn't know how many hit points she has exactly," Abed said. "But yes, she has been hit several times. Pretty hard, too."

"All right, then,  _ sacred flame  _ on her." Jeff pointed in a make-it-so sort of way.

Abed rolled the fairy's save. "No effect, her resistance eats it."

Jeff scowled.

"And that puts us at the bottom of the order," Abed said. "The last fairy and their horse scramble to their feet and over the  _ web  _ to Carmen, just reaching her. The fairy's bow hardens to a sort of club that they swing and miss with, but the horse kicks her for nine damage. Halved and rounded down to four."

Annie nodded absently. She still had twenty-eight hit points.

"The laughing horse, no longer laughing, tries to pull itself up from the  _ web  _ it's been ensnared in for what feels like forever," Abed said, rolling. "And fails. Meanwhile, its rider, the woman, attacks Ector, since he's in melee with her, hits his AC, does nine damage."

"Ugh," said Troy.

"She's down to one hit point, right?" Shirley asked. "Míriel sets the bugs on her."

Abed rolled. "And her fey resistance again fails her, as she goes down under a carpet of creepy-crawlies that obey Shirley's mental commands. There's a puff of glitter that is largely absorbed by the bugs, before they all go back underground from whence Shirley summoned them. Carmen's next."

"Carmen shouts barbaric swear words and slashes the horse's head off," Annie declared. "Or she tries to. Nine misses. And on the backswing…okay, twenty. Nine damage."

"Crumples," said Abed.

"Crumples makes a death save," Annie said. "Okay, I rolled a three, Crumples fails a death save. She's at one success and one failure. If she rolls a one next time she dies, right?"

"I got it, I got it," said Troy. "Don't everybody thank me at once, I  _ cure wounds  _ Crumples for, uh, six."

"Crumples revives," Abed said.

"Thanks, Troy," Annie said.

"I'm up now, right? Fej points at the horse Carmen is murdering and tells her to murder it better."

"You got it," Annie said, rolling. "There we go, fifteen on the attack roll. Just ten on damage, does that drop it?"

"Nope," Abed said. He was already rolling attacks. "In fact, it kicks you for sixteen damage, halved to eight."

"I'm glad Carmen is the one absorbing these blows," Jeff said. "And that you picked the right time to frenzy."

"The last fairy misses." Abed paused to take a sip from his refilled tumbler. "The onetime-overcome-with-laughter horse finally breaks free from the webs, stands up and tries to charge Carmen, but can't quite do all that and still attack her in one turn. It's a new round, Shirley's up."

"That horse Annie is beating must be pretty close to dead," Shirley said. "No offense, Annie. Are the horses magic-resistant? Míriel sets her bugs on it."

Abed rolled. "The horses don't have the magic resistance, no. Your  _ infestation  _ hits."

"Four poison damage," Shirley said, after rolling for it.

"And it explodes into a faceful of glitter for Carmen," Abed said. "She's just drenched."

Jeff snickered. "It's a wonderful mental image—"

"Thanks, Jeff," Annie said, not sure whether she was being sarcastic or not. Probably? Probably.

"But before," he continued, "the blanket of insects absorbed the glitter."

"Either way is fine," Annie said. "What color is the glitter?"

"Green and gold," Abed decided. "Carmen is drenched, I said. And it's Annie's turn."

"Carmen throws herself at the last fairy," Annie said. "From out the cloud of fairy-gore comes her blade! Nineteen and six on the attack rolls, so one hit…fifteen damage. Then Crumples hops up and makes a quip about how stupid fairies are for having glitter instead of blood,  _ vicious mockery  _ on him. Them, I mean."

Abed rolled. "They make their saving throw. Ector, you're up."

"Ector isn't going to bother to compete with Little Miss Death Machine over there," Troy said. "I'll get to the other horse, the one that just got out of the webs…Crap, rolled a one."

"Which misses. Jeff?"

"Kill 'em, Carm," said Jeff. "I mean, Fej says, 'Kill 'em, Annie.' You know what I mean."

Annie tried, but no. "Rolled a two," she said.

"Then they hit you with their glitter-club," Abed said. "Four damage."

"Is that before or after the resistance?"

"Before," Abed said. "The fairies do less damage than their horses. Speaking of, the last horse attacks Ector. Misses."

_ "Infestation  _ on the horse," said Shirley. "Three damage."

Abed rolled and nodded. "Carmen and Crumples."

"Carmen hits the guy, I mean, the non-gendered fey opponent," Annie said, rolling. "She attacks twice and hits once for twelve."

"The enby is on their last legs," Abed said. "But you don't quite send them back to the Feywild."

"Well, Crumples makes fun of their hair," Annie said.  _ "Vicious mockery." _

Abed rolled. "They save. Troy…"

"I attack, hit, damn, four damage," Troy said.

"I  _ guide  _ Carmen to make another attack," Jeff said before Abed prompted him.

Annie rolled, and made a face. "Never mind."

Abed rolled. "They miss you, too. Then, the horse kicks Ector for eight."

"Míriel casts  _ infestation  _ on the ambiguously-gendered fairy person, and looks great doing it," Shirley said.

"They save. Carmen."

"Screw this, I'm killing the horse," Annie decided. "A sixteen hits it, an eight misses…ten damage with the hit. Then Crumples makes fun of their hair, again."

"And they save, again."

"I attack, miss, jeez," grumbled Troy.

"Fej sighs, he says 'Come on Carmen, finish this,' and casts  _ guidance  _ ," Jeff said.

Annie rolled, and brightened immediately when she saw the result. "I rolled a twenty on the die! A natural twenty! I crit the horse. Double damage, double damage, double damage—"

"Don't bother rolling, your minimum damage would take it out," said Abed, which kind of deflated Annie's joy over the critical hit. She rolled anyway, just for herself, and determined that she did twenty-nine damage. Meanwhile, the nonbinary fey was hitting Ector for another nine damage. Míriel's magic bugs proved ineffective, again, but Carmen was able to hit it once, finally dropping it.


	7. I'm haunting you either way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I forget to thank amrywiol and bethanyactually but not right this second!

"Eesh," said Troy. "Everybody take a knee, by which I mean a short rest."

"I'm exhausted," Annie said.

"Yeah, it did go on for a while," Shirley agreed. "I didn't think it was too bad."

"No, I mean, Carmen gains one level of exhaustion when her frenzy ends. She's exhausted, lightly injured, and covered with glitter," Annie said, "it's Mardi Gras all over again."

Jeff shifted in his seat, but said nothing.

"I guess I'd appreciate it if someone could magic off all the glitter. Most of the glitter," Annie decided. "Crumples can do that, right?"

"Yes. There was also a die of bardic inspiration from Crumples that you forgot to use," Abed said. "That goes away after ten minutes, so you'll lose it."

"I assume Crumples is going to sing the  _ song of rest, _ right?" Shirley asked Annie.

"Is that a thing? Sure," Annie said. "Sorry, I wasn't expecting to play a…tumbling fool, tonight. Um. Can I use the inspiration now? I could try an Arcana check, I guess? For the burning issue of who the naked green people were and why they attacked us."

Abed shrugged. "Sure."

Annie rolled. Carmen was not, strictly speaking, an expert on matters arcane. "Twelve, minus one plus…two. Thirteen."

"They were definitely fairies from the Feywild," said Abed. "A fourteen gets you nothing beyond that. You could use the  _ guidance  _ bonus Fej keeps layering on you, before it too expires."

"Oh, I forgot that actually does something else," Annie said. "Four, so, seventeen."

"There are several ways fairies from the Feywild might appear in the mortal world," Abed said. "The most common is that they wandered in through a fairy circle or magic portal or something like that. However, if that were the case for these fairies, they would have bled green blood and died when you killed them, instead of being forcibly returned to the Feywild in puffs of glitter and smoke."

"Can the rest of us try the check?" Jeff asked. "Fej doesn't do Arcana. Míriel?"

Shirley shook her head. "Míriel's skills are more hob-nobbing focused."

"Oh, Crumples!" Annie said suddenly. She checked and, sure enough. "Crumples has Arcana plus five." She rolled a couple of dice and did a little mental arithmetic. "Twenty-six, assuming Fej is willing to  _ guidance  _ her."

"Hmm, I don't know. Up to this point Fej has only cast  _ guidance  _ on Carmen," Jeff said, smiling. "She might be jealous if it turns out he's casting  _ guidance  _ on other girls."

Shirley cleared her throat, meaningfully. "So Fej and Carmen are sleeping together, right? You were being so coy about it last session."

"Um, well, okay," Annie said, trying to choose her words carefully, "we did talk about it and they  _ were  _ a couple, at one point, but they haven't seen each other in a long time and…" She waved at nothing, flailing for time.

"And they're not ready to put any kind of name on it just yet," Jeff finished for her. "It definitely doesn't affect their ability to contribute to the adventuring party and our shared goal of rescuing Scrooge McDuck from the Lost City of Brownville."

"Old Tavish," said Abed, at the same time that Troy said "Casablanca."

"Oh, please." Shirley scoffed. "It's been ten nights on the road and we've all got eyes."

"Let's just assume we're none of us sleeping together…" Jeff began.

"Hey, whose D&D character is sleeping with whose is a private matter," said Troy. "We don't need to discuss all of that to death, not when there's dead fairies to worry about."

"All right, all right. Míriel has no opinions, concerns, or interest in the private doings of her fellow party-members. Companions? Partiers," Shirley said.

"Can we just move on?" Annie snapped. The whole flirty good-times vibe she'd been enjoying had abruptly evaporated. "Crumples got a twenty-six on the Arcana check."

"Somebody summoned these fairies using Calling magic," Abed said, as though none of the brief digression had happened. "It's not a difficult ritual but it requires either rare and expensive components, or a specially consecrated space. Whoever called them didn't have any intrinsic power to command them, though they could have made a bargain or put them under a separate domination charm. A Call doesn't last forever so they must have been conjured within the last week. If a person were to Call some random fey, they would probably spend a week in the mortal realm just riding around vandalizing and murdering for fun, so it's likely that you all prevented some evil deeds by slaying them. And you didn't really slay them, you returned them to their Feywild home."

"Well, okay, that's good," Annie said, seizing on this information as a distraction from the other topic. "I pass all this information along to my partiers. We should track them and see if they've done anything terrible. Maybe there are people we can help."

"Yes, yes, I like that," Jeff said. "We don't have a specific route through the Brown Hills, since we don't know where the Lost City is, so let's cut over and follow the fey horse tracks."

"Probably, for all we know, probably it was the Beagle Boys, using bad magic to trap the Duck family, or distract them with fairies, or something like that," Annie said. "And if it's actually unconnected, it's still a chance to do good deeds."

"There are no Beagle Boys," Abed said flatly.

"That's probably for the best," Troy mused. "They aren't very compelling villains."

"Abed, you know we all think the game's whole  _ Duck Tales  _ theme is great," Annie said, trying to reassure him.

"The campaign does not have a  _ Duck Tales  _ theme," Abed insisted. "I just pulled some character concepts. They weren't even Ducks until you guys all demanded it."

"It's fine, we're all having a good time and that's what's important," Shirley said, her hands thrown up as if to ward off Abed's defensiveness. "So we're following horse tracks now?"

"It's a Survival skill check to follow the tracks," Abed said. "Someone roll."

"On it," Annie said, rolling. "Carmen gets a twenty with her plus three."

"Carmen has no difficulty following the trail of the three fey horses." Abed glanced down at his notes. "The trail angles away from the river, north-northwest where the river runs from north to south. Following the trail will mean leaving the river."

"I think we're all fine with that," Jeff said. Annie and the others nodded.

"The party heads inland, across the muddy cornfields and uneven ground near the Brown Hills," Abed said. "The trail is clean and easy to follow. In several places the ground is disturbed, exactly like the group took a break, dismounted, engaged in some weird ritual or orgy, then moved on."

"Weird ritual or orgy?" repeated Shirley.

"There's no magical traces," Abed said, "but there's broken ground, scorched grass, suspicious stains and glittery puddles."

"The fey riders didn't hurry, is what you're saying," Jeff said. He scowled thoughtfully, like he was about to piece together a mystery, and Annie felt her pulse quicken, but instead he just sighed and shook his head, which was a little disappointing. "I don't know, I thought I had something."

"It takes you most of the day to retrace their steps to a point where it's worthwhile to stop and investigate. The sun is high in the sky when you all spy a big column of dark smoke coming from up ahead, like someone has a big bonfire going." He paused briefly, turned a page in his notes, and when no one broke in with a question, continued. "As you crest a small rise you see down in front of you a small village, or the remains of a village. The dozen wooden buildings are all at different stages of having burned down, from minor damage to nothing left but sticks and ashes. The only stone building, which was probably a temple of some kind, has been badly damaged as well. Its roof is caved in, and the column of smoke is coming out of there. About a dozen people are moving around cleaning up, while another half-dozen adults are around doing other things and watching a dozen children running around. Twenty adults, give or take a couple, and about half that many kids."

"Wait," Troy said. "Before we go down and talk to them, Abed, what can we see about these people? I get a… eighteen, on Perception."

"With an eighteen you notice that the tracks come down the hill on the far side of the valley, right through the village, and up to where you are now," Abed said. "Also, the villagers are all tortles."

"Hm?" Troy looked confused.

"Turtle people," Abed explained. "Like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

"Awesome!" cried Troy.

"And they have a bunch of little tortle kids? Aw!" Annie cooed at the mental image.

Shirley cooed, too. "We should go help them," she declared. "Those naked green archers plainly did a number on their village. Míriel doesn't hesitate, she walks right down there, waving and yoo-hooing."

"The rest of us follow along," Jeff said. "Unless Ector sees a reason not to?"

"Nah man," Troy said before Abed could interject. "We head on down there. 'Hey guys! We killed those naked green people!' Wait, are tortles green? Do tortles wear clothes?"

"Yes and no," Abed said. Everyone waited a moment for him to elaborate, but he did not.

"Well, Míriel yoo-hoos, like I said." Shirley cleared her throat. "Is there a tortle leader she can meet with? Perhaps a village elder, or a priest?"

"Roll Persuasion," Abed said.

Shirley did so. She made a face. "Seven on the die plus five is twelve. Twelve is still pretty good. Above average!"

"It's on the low side of above average," Abed said. "The tortles are surprised to see the five of you emerge from the wilderness beyond their village, all the more so by Míriel's apparent lack of traveling gear—"

"That reminds me, I was going to suggest Míriel should get a bonus on Persuasion, for her gown and heels," Shirley began.

"But they immediately recognize you as not hostile. None of them grab pitchforks or pull out their nunchucks to try to scare you off."

"They have nunchucks?" Jeff sounded disconcerted.

"No, I just said they  _ don't  _ pull out nunchucks," Abed answered. "If they have hidden secret nunchucks, you don't see them because they're hidden."

"Okay, nunchucks aside," Annie said, " 'We mean you no harm,' Carmen says. Then she glances back at the other partiers because she doesn't have any diplomatic skills at all, so someone else had better take point before Carmen accidentally insults their families."

"No problem, this is what I've been waiting for," Shirley said brightly.

Abed rolled some dice and consulted his notes. "Shirley, you're approached by a wizened tortle with a long white mane of hair."

Jeff raised an eyebrow. "Tortles have manes?"

"These tortles, yes. The elders do," Abed said. " 'Ho, strangers,' the maned tortle says." Abed's tortle voice was creaky. " 'You picked a poor time to visit Flaxen Corners, yes, a poor time.' "

"Míriel Serindë introduces herself and delights the turtle-people with a description of how Míriel and her personal guard encountered and heroically defeated the invaders who, Míriel assumes, torched your lovely village," Shirley said, her hands clasped primly together. "She offers to use her magic to assist in the clean-up, and the magic and strong arms of her guards."

Abed blinked as he mulled this over for a moment. "You rolled a twelve, so the elder is a little reluctant to accept your offer. Roll Insight."

"Don't actually have that skill," Shirley muttered, but smiled when she saw the number on the die. "Eighteen. What's the elder's name, by the way?"

Abed was flipping though some handwritten notes. "The elder's name is… Aaah…" Abed slowly trailed off. He fiddled with his computer in a way Annie recognized as googling something. "Abetzi. Abetzi," he repeated. "Abetzi is hiding something, but it's not related to you personally, Shirley, there's just something she doesn't want outsiders to see."

Annie fidgeted in her seat. Carmen's skillset was not useful here, and Shirley clearly wanted to play at hob-nobbing, but she hated feeling like she couldn't contribute. Realizing there was nothing stopping her, she rose and got herself a glass of wine. It only took a moment, but she missed a little of the back-and-forth.

"If she's willing to accept that premise, then just to be safe Míriel  _ suggests  _ that Abetzi can trust her," Shirley said as Annie sat back down. "Did you catch that? Míriel casts  _ suggestion, _ Abed."

Abed rolled a die. "Abetzi blinks slowly, her mind lightly clouded over by Shirley's spell. 'I expect you'll want to inspect the temple, yes, I expect so,' she says."

"And of course Míriel will need her religious advisor, Brother Fej, and her bodyguards, Sir Ector and Carmen," Shirley observed. "We can make Crumples wait at the edge of the village, if Abetzi wants that."

" 'Oh, that's not necessary, no, not necessary,' says Abetzi," said Abed. " 'I trust you, yes, I do.' She beckons the party follow her through the village and to the ruined temple."

"All the fires are totally out, right?" asked Troy. "I don't want to just stroll past a burning building. Unrelated questions, are there marshmallows in D&D?"

"Do the little turtle-children come and stare at us as we walk by, all wide-eyed because they've never seen humans before?" Annie asked eagerly. 

Abed nodded slightly. "Sure."

"Crumples does some impromptu cartwheels and throws a pie in her own face!" Annie rolled Crumples's Performance skill, and deflated slightly. "Only eleven."

"It's still the most impressive slapstick any of these kids have ever seen," Jeff assured her.

"Be sure to mark off a slapstick pie from Crumples's supply," Abed told her. "Abetzi leads you all into what remains of the village temple, once the center of civic life for this small community," he said. "There's an active bonfire in the middle of the structure, where someone has piled timbers, furniture, old flags and decorative icons. A pinch-faced tortle stands nearby, admiring his handiwork."

"I thought the fairies started the fires when they came through," Annie said.

" 'The riders, yes, the riders,' " Abed croaked in his Abetzi voice. " 'They came with molotov cocktails and rode through Flaxen Corners. Flaxen Corners is the name of our village. I don't think I mentioned that. Molotov cocktails, yes. Flaxen Corners. Slew the priestess. Rode away before we knew what was what, they did, yes.' "

Annie tried to decide whether she liked Abed doing the Abetzi voice. It was hard to say. "Molotov cocktails sounds anachronistic," she said, thinking out loud, "but I guess it's all set in a magical fantasyland, so who's to say?"

Abed nodded. "The other tortle notices you all coming in, and stomps toward you. He walks with a little cane but no visible limp. 'Abetzi, this is not the time or place for tourists!' he cries."

"Míriel jumps in and comments that it's a lovely bonfire, marvelous work, just darling," Shirley said, in a light sing-song voice. "She asks, did he make the bonfire? How clever he must be! And she fans herself a little."

"Did I get an answer on marshmallows?" Troy asked. "It was just an idle thought but now there's a bonfire."

Abed had to stop and shuffle through his notes again. "The tortle is confused," he said, eventually.

"Míriel introduces herself to the other tortle, and gestures towards her entourage so he knows they're with her," Shirley continued. 

"Oh, we're your entourage now?" Jeff asked, smiling.

"I think it's my job to keep the paparazzi at bay," Annie said to him. "You're there to make sure she doesn't get hurt, and Ector is her arm candy."

Shirley cleared her throat. "Abetzi was just explaining the fairy raid. Míriel and her team are hunting fairies, she says. Míriel doesn't mention the Lost City of Casablanca yet."

"The tortle's name is Aranck. It quickly becomes clear he's Abetzi's son," Abed said. "Just as Aranck starts to give exposition about how the slain priestess was his wife, a third tortle enters. This is Doya, Aranck's sister and Abetzi's daughter…"

Shirley and to a lesser extent Troy and to an even lesser extent Jeff discussed the tortles' situation with the Flaxen Corners villagers, while Annie and to a lesser extent Jeff and to an even lesser extent Troy basically just waited for it to be over. The mother-tortle Abetzi wanted to keep outsiders away from what she saw as essentially a family dispute, but Míriel's  _ suggestion  _ spell had short-circuited that, and now Doya wanted to convince Míriel and the other partiers that the village should send an envoy to the temple in Tarksas to petition for aid, and Doya's brother Aranck (whose wife Anna was the priestess the fairies murdered) had taken the position that all gods were jerks who didn't deserve veneration and that Flaxen Corners didn't need outsider help. It was all very involved, but Annie couldn't bring herself to feel invested in either side of the issue. Shirley at least seemed to be having a good time, though Jeff and Troy had both pointed out that this was a distraction from their ultimate goal of reaching the Lost City of Casablanca.

The second time someone brought it up, Aranck was within earshot and Abed said that he perked up, and offered to lead the party to the lost city if they supported his anti-temple stance.

"Great, let's do that," Annie said. It was the first time she'd spoken in a while. Jeff reacted with a smile, while the others all looked a little surprised, like they'd forgotten she was in the chat. "I mean, we need to find Casablanca, right?" Annie added, because no one had immediately responded to her.

"Annie's right," Jeff said quickly, "we need to find Casablanca. A local guide might be a big help. Fej tries to judge the guy's intentions: is he being honest when he says he can get us there?" He rolled a die. "Fourteen, plus five is nineteen on Insight."

"He very probably knows the way to Casablanca, or he thinks he does," Abed said. "He's nervous about making you the offer, though. There's something he doesn't want you to know."

"His sister also knows the way," Jeff guessed. "It's a family secret."

"Ooh, I bet that's it!" Annie sat up, fully engaged with the game again. "Maybe they found it together. Or maybe everybody in Flaxen Corners knows the way."

"Míriel nods serenely at Aranck's offer, then glides over to the sacristy and asks Doya about Casablanca," Shirley said, and rolled a die. "Twenty-one Persuasion."

"Doya looks pained, and accuses you of profiteering in her community's time of need," Abed said. "But if that's what it takes to convince Shirley to convince Abetzi to implore Aranck to mourn Anna without turning his back on Oota, the tortle god, so that Eb-Fargus and Doya can together venture to Tarksas and the temple of Pelor there, then that's what Doya will do."

"Dammit, I almost followed that." Troy snapped his finger, either in frustration or mock frustration, Annie wasn't really sure.

"Doya probably has the stronger moral argument," Shirley said. "Míriel accepts this bargain."

Annie assumed that would be the end of it, but no, now Shirley and Abed went down a whole new rabbit hole, about Míriel involving herself in the village's politics. She sighed and refilled her wineglass, and then, just as she was taking out her phone to play some time-wasting game, she got a text.

**JEFF WINGER**

**Fej approaches Carmen outside, a ways off from Crumples the jester telling the little turtle kids knock-knock jokes.**

**Wanna go neck? he asks, a rakish smile on his handsome face.**

Annie was smiling as she sat back down. Shirley and Abed were still deep in their roleplay, and Troy was having another slice of broccoli pizza. Jeff appeared to be playing with his phone, but he kept glancing up at her. At his tablet, or whatever, she had no way of knowing if he even had her webcam on his screen.

She punched in a response.

**Carmen raises an eyebrow. "Neck? Is it 1953?" C'mon Jeff really?**

**JEFF WINGER**

**It's a magical fantasyland, the slang is whatever we want it to be**

**Dollface**

She had to stifle a laugh. It wasn't even very funny, it was just so incongruous…

**I'm not sold on this slang. Bad slang.**

**JEFF WINGER**

**Ok, note taken. Fej sidles up to Carmen and says he'd offer her his jacket if it were cold enough, but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be summer. Then he suggests they sneak off together & get away from the turtles and Shirley talking politics.**

**Carmen is definitely tempted but Fej STILL hasn't given me any reindeer. How hard does a girl have to hint? And how do I know you're serious if you won't even make that simple gesture?**

She didn't quite manage to stifle the laugh when he texted her back a picture of a large herd of caribou, but Abed and Shirley didn't pause.

**Was Fej just carrying those around in his backpack this whole time? And if so why pick now as the time to reveal them?**

Whatever Jeff's response to that would have been was held up by the abrupt cessation of Abed and Shirley's negotiations. Everybody was rolling initiative—Annie wasn't sure why, but she didn't want to ask and admit she hadn't been paying attention. She'd just have to play it by ear, figure it out as they went.

"Sorry, fascinating as the line-items on this tortle petition are, and don't get me wrong, Fej is deeply invested in Miriel's negotiations, absolutely he's been paying close attention this whole time… what's happening?" Jeff asked, with the slightly disgruntled air of a man who'd been roused from a thrilling round of Fruit Ninja on his phone.

Or not.

"There's a vine dragon swooping over the village and strafing buildings, breathing poisonous spores that quickly blossom into verdant greenery covering the already-damaged houses in a patchwork of vines," Abed said. "Please try to keep up."

Annie blinked in confusion. "Was it—"

Shirley nodded tightly, and for just a second she looked like a woman stretched too thin by the vicissitudes of life and decades of systemic racism that conspired to make her boy sick enough to maybe die. Then she sighed, and seemed in good spirits again. "Called by whatever method sent the three fey riders here, yes. That seems like a safe assumption."

"What should we—" Annie started to ask, distracted by the sudden conviction that she needed to send that care package sooner rather than later, for whatever little good it could do.

"Fan out!" cried Troy. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, it's just a tense situation. We've got to get it away from the village. These poor turtles have suffered enough and I'm sure all they have is ninja throwing stars for ranged options and I really doubt ninja throwing stars will do much of anything to a vine dragon."

Annie glanced at Jeff. She felt like, if it had been possible with the technology available, they would have exchanged meaningful looks. Had he noticed, the moment Shirley had let the exhaustion show? "Okay then," she said, and rolled initiative.

The fight against the vine dragon took most of the rest of the evening. At first it was pretty grim, with the monster flying up overhead where they couldn't reach it, slowly breathing down vine-spores and all but ignoring them while going after the buildings. Carmen's stock of javelins was soon depleted, but finally Shirley got the idea of using Miriel's  _ web  _ spell to tangle up the dragon's wings. It crashed down to the ground and though the webs were ripped to shreds a round later, while it was on the ground they rushed it. The giant animated plant-monster flapped its leaf-wings and took off again next round, with Carmen and Ector aboard. Miriel and Crumples sent wasps and insults, while Fej shouted encouragements to Carmen to kill it harder.

"As Carmen deals the deathblow," Abed said a half-hour or more later, "the vine dragon explodes in a burst of glitter that completely covers her… and Ector… and rains down on the whole village of Flaxen Corners below. Then Carmen and Ector both fall eighty feet to the ground, for twenty-nine points of damage."

"Dang it," said Troy. "It occurred to me a while back that maybe trying to kill a big flying thing while we're riding on it was a bad idea, but I thought maybe if I didn't say anything…"

Annie had, of course, seen this coming. "Okay, we're both dying, but neither of us are dead, so that's a victory." There was a small but nonzero chance the fall might have killed one or both of them; she'd figured it was worth the risk.

"I'm out of magic," Jeff said, "but I can still stabilize them. As soon as we're out of combat I run over to them with my medic kit."

"You're not actually proficient," Abed pointed out.

Annie gasped. "You're not? I thought all clerics took Medicine!"

"I have magic healing spells, I didn't think I needed to also learn CPR," Jeff grumbled. "Besides, it's an easy check."

"If I die I'm haunting you," Troy warned Jeff.

"I'm haunting you either way," Annie declared, which made him smile.

"Yeah, you've been haunting me for years already," Jeff told her, which confused her a little as she wasn't sure whether he meant Carmen and Fej or Annie and Jeff.

"I'll make the checks for you," Abed said, distracting her from that line of thought, "at the same time I'm rolling Ector and Carmen's death saves." Oh, right, she was dying. He rolled some dice. Then, he rolled some more. A third round of rolling. A fourth, for some reason. Everybody else looked expectantly at their screens.

Finally he stopped. "It's touch and go but they'll both pull through."

"Fresh as a daisy in the morning," Troy said, pleased.

"The people of Flaxen Corners are willing to put us up overnight, right?" Shirley asked Abed. "Míriel can seduce Aranck if it'll help."

"Not necessary," Abed said. "It's been twenty-three hours since the fairies rode in and attacked. Everybody's terrified of what will come to kill them this time tomorrow. If you can save the village, then everyone in Flaxen Corners will owe you their lives. They're very willing to pay you an advance on that, in the form of allowing you to sleep overnight in what's left of the community center."

"Great, we do that," said Jeff. He started pointing at his screen, probably at each of them in turn but with the webcam it was impossible to tell. "Crumples entertains all the tortles with her close-up magic, Miriel seduces the guy, and Fej nurses Carmen. And Ector."

"Jeff!" Shirley said reproachfully. 

He shrugged. "No sense letting that gown go completely to waste. I'm sure it's much too much for a hick turtle. It'd be too much for anything less than early Nineties Denzel Washington."

Shirley was trying to look scandalized, but she wasn't trying very hard. "I only said Míriel would seduce Aranck if it would be useful to our long-term goals, I didn't say she was just going to have some fun." She considered. "Although…"

Troy snickered quietly. "What happens in Flaxen Corners stays in Flaxen Corners, because Flaxen Corners is a tiny remote hole-in-the-wall village that's maybe gonna get totally destroyed by rampaging glitter monsters."

Abed nodded. "We'll pick this up next week, hopefully with Britta."

"Míriel finds elements of Aranck attractive, certainly," Shirley mused.

"Shirley!" Annie said, in a tone more amused than reproachful.

Shirley was gazing off into the middle distance. "His courage, his conviction, his loyalty to his wife, the challenge of seducing a recent widower who watched his beloved Anna die in front of him less than a full day ago…" She grinned. "Is he a  _ handsome  _ turtle-man?"

"We'll pick this up next week, hopefully with Britta," Abed repeated, a little more firmly..

"I think he's got to be," Annie said.

"Stands to reason," agreed Troy.

"Couldn't be any other way," Jeff said.

"We will pick this up next week," Abed repeated slowly, with the air of a man forced to wade through hip-deep mud, "hopefully with Britta."


	8. I can see why you thought I might like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks bethanyactually, thanks amrywiol.
> 
> Also, thanks to each of you who have left kudos and/or comments. I really appreciate it!

Day 21 (Friday)

"Hey." From the way Britta stared at him, he could tell she was itching for him to say something thoughtless about her engagement.

"Hey," Jeff said, keeping his tone and expression neutral. "I'm calling because Annie scheduled us to call this evening and you hadn't called me."

"I was gonna," Britta said sullenly. She was rocking her chair slightly, like a bored five-year-old getting lectured. He could see his own face reflected in her glasses, surprisingly clearly.

"So, are congratulations in order?" Jeff squinted slightly. The version of himself in Britta's glasses seemed slightly different from the version of himself on his own screen, in the corner. Jeff usually spent most video chats staring at his own face, though recently he'd branched out.

"Huh?" Britta raised her eyebrows very slightly, pretending she didn't know what he was talking about.

"Your engagement?" Jeff played along. "Or is Frankie formally adopting you? Claiming you as a dependent would probably get her most of the tax benefits—"

"Oh! Oh,  _ you're  _ one to talk!" Britta interrupted, exactly as though she'd been waiting for this. "Frankie has like eight years on me, and it's a very different arrangement!"

Jeff blinked, nonplussed. "Different from…?"

"Shut up!" Britta snapped. She folded her arms crossly and scowled at him. Now the five-year-old was playing at being angry.

"You want to take this from the top?" Jeff asked her. "Hello Britta. Hello Jeff. Congratulations on your engagement. Thank you, we're very happy. Or, if we've all been misreading things…you haven't been on the discord since yesterday. If you're up for clarification, I'd love it, because then I could be the one to give a clear and unambiguous version of your big news to Shirley and Annie and Troy."

Britta glared at him, but said nothing.

Jeff stared back at her, but really, there was only one person he liked silently staring at via webcam and Britta wasn't her. "Seriously," he said. "Everybody's confused and you're giving me nothing, here."

"It's…" Britta turned and looked behind her, checking to make sure the office door was closed. Suddenly every part of her sagged, and she looked stressed and miserable. "It's been a lot to unpack," she whispered. "I don't want to let Frankie down by messing something up. I didn't know we were a couple. That's embarrassing, right? When your girlfriend doesn't know she's your girlfriend?"

"I wouldn't know," Jeff said slowly. He tried not to imagine the look Annie would be giving him, if she were there.

Britta took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. "I've been reading, a lot—like, a  _ lot _ —about asexual versus aromantic and demisexuality, and—and  _ comphet  _ and I thought I knew everything I needed to about this stuff! I'm a guidance counselor, after all!" Her voice sounded surprisingly raw.

"Yeah." Jeff found himself nodding. "You know you don't have to commit to anything you don't want to, right? If you're worried about a place to stay—"

"Oh, no! No, no no!"

Jeff sagged with relief, because he'd been about to invite Britta to stay with him, and quarantining with Britta seemed like his own personal Bad Place.

Britta was waving frantically. "That's not—no! That's not the situation. I love Frankie, and we had this long talk last night, and I've been going over the last four, five years, and I've been really happy with her. Like, until it came up at the game last night I didn't even realize that I hadn't even thought about trying find someone else, some guy…I love Frankie, I do, it's just…this isn't where I thought I was going to be, married to my best friend…I figured I would end up bickering with you or some douche guy like you, not you specifically," she quickly amended. "Somebody worse than Troy. But, you know, there's all this stuff to being in a relationship. Like, Frankie came to me and she was like, I want you to come with me to visit my parents in Texas for Christmas and I was like, sure, and she was like, are you sure, and I was like, yeah, no problem, it'll be fun, and she acted really touched and said she was glad and it would be fun and she loved me and I said I loved her and that was like two years ago! And it  _ was  _ fun!"

"Uh-huh," Jeff said, because he felt like he needed to say something. He was trying not to smile. Britta definitely didn't think this situation was funny.

"And that's just—there's all this stuff that makes so much more sense in context! Like, just…the way we do chores, and we have a joint checking account, and we, we, we," Britta stammered, like her train of thought had jumped a track. "We  _ hug  _ a lot more than I ever hugged Annie or Abed or any of my old roommates. And I knew some pretty handsy people when I lived in New York!"

"Uh-huh," Jeff said again. 

"And I really don't want to let Frankie down, and she says we don't need to change anything, and I'm like, I've always thought of myself as straight, and she says she's well aware of that, and it's all okay, she's okay if I'm okay, but I'm like, she shouldn't need to settle, and does she want to start sharing a bed more than just on Sundays—"

"Wait, what?" Jeff asked, and he did flash a grin for a second before he regained control. 

Britta ignored him. She was speaking very quickly, her voice twisting upwards towards a squeak. "And she's like, that's fine if you want, we can do that, we don't have to, and she's been very understanding and patient and I don't think I deserve a roommate, I mean a girlfriend, I mean a wife, I don't deserve anyone like Frankie!"

Britta startled as a knocking sound came through the microphone. "Britta?" Jeff could hear Frankie, muffled through the office door. "Are you all right? Are you spiralling again?"

"Yes!" Britta called out, to Jeff's mild surprise.

The office door slowly opened and Frankie entered. She looked about like Jeff remembered her, the last time they'd hung out. God, when was that? They only lived, what, an hour away in traffic. Less than that. He couldn't recall anything more recent than last June. They'd had dinner together, him and Britta and Frankie and Craig, with the spring semester ended, and they'd told him with varying degrees of sincerity that the community college wasn't the same without him, and Craig had made a couple of unfunny jokes about it being a double date, which in retrospect…

A mild commotion on the other side of the webcam roused Jeff from his brief reverie. Britta was telling Frankie not to hang up on him.

"Clearly you have a lot to talk about," Jeff said, "and it's not like I care or have any investment in either of you, so you probably should just hang up on me, yeah."

"Oh, har de har har," Britta and Frankie said in sarcastic unison. Then they smiled at each other like they'd just referenced some inside joke.

"I'm okay," Britta told Frankie, who had put a hand on the back of Britta's neck and sat on the edge of another chair next to hers. Their whole tableau looked very coupled, all the more so when Britta took Frankie's other hand in hers. "I'm okay," Britta said again, "thanks."

Frankie turned and looked at Jeff. "You didn't say anything thoughtless, cruel, homophobic or antifeminist, did you?" 

"What? No!" Jeff said. 

"Not even as a terrible attempt at humor?"

"No!" He felt a little affronted. He might have assumed Frankie was joking, but there was an edge in her tone and a steeliness in her eye that indicated she was being completely sincere.

"Jeff is fine," Britta said. "I was just telling him, it's all a lot to process."

Frankie nodded solemnly. "I've had more than four years to come to terms with the reality of our relationship," she said, "and you just found out about it last night. I understand that it will take time, patience, and compassion for you to become fully comfortable with this arrangement, and additionally I note that I accept there is a chance, small I would like to think but undeniably nonzero, that upon greater reflection and self-examination you will conclude that you would prefer not to bind yourself to me in the eyes of the law. This contingency I am prepared to accept, though I would be heartbroken, because I love you. But because I love you, I want you to be happy."

Britta had turned away from the computer and was smiling at her fiance. "See, you make better speeches than he ever did." Which Jeff felt was plainly not true. "I feel better now," she continued, which did seem to be true.

If Britta had been Annie and Frankie had been Jeff—or okay, let's be realistic, if Britta had been Jeff and Frankie had been Annie—then what would have happened next would have involved lips and fingers and skin on skin, Jeff reflected. But instead, Frankie just smiled back at Britta and offered to make her a frittata, because it was dinnertime and they had eggs.

What Jeff's eye was drawn to, however, was the way Britta held onto Frankie's hand, only letting go when Frankie rose and turned away towards the door and a presumably eggy kitchen. 

Day 23 (Sunday)

"Hi Troy!" Annie waved heartily, way more enthusiastically than she needed to. She'd half expected that calling him to chat meant getting him, Abed, and maybe the mysterious Ashley, too.

"Hey." Troy looked much better-rested than Annie felt, and his clothes were unwrinkled. He wore some kind of silk dressing gown that wouldn't have looked out of place on Hugh Hefner, or maybe Pierce, and he was munching on what looked like a bowl of green marshmallows from Lucky Charms cereal, the horseshoes. 

Or, no, the horseshoe marshmallows were purple… "What are you eating?" Annie asked him, because it was going to bother her if she didn't know.

"Celery slices," Troy said. He chuckled, reacting to her surprise. "I know, you'd think I'd have a bowl of only red Skittles, or those Canadian M&Ms, or just a big thing of edibles, or something, right? They're good, though. The secret is they have to be cold, almost frozen? And fresh and sliced real real thin. We got a deli slicer in the kitchen, you know? I'm slicing everything now."

"Oh," said Annie. She wasn't sure how to react to that, it seemed a million miles from the man who'd once proudly served her and Abed a dinner of beef empanadas made from the patties of four McDonalds Quarter Pounders and a big bag of Frito corn chips. "Oh."

"Yeah, you know, we're trying to really turn the house into a home. Getting domestic."

"You and Abed," Annie said, wondering whether to question him further on the topic.

"Me and Abed and Ashley." Troy grinned—when he grinned, that was when he most looked like the Troy she remembered. Not that he wasn't allowed to grow and change. She'd grown and changed.

"Ashley, right. So she's your new Annie, huh?" Annie doubted Troy would accept this assertion.

"Naw, you know no one could ever replace you," Troy popped another celery slice in his mouth. "Plus, you know."

"Huh?"

"We were never a couple. And you and she are really different people."

"Uh huh." Annie nodded. They'd have to be, she figured.

Troy stared into space for a second, and Annie wondered if he was thinking about the best way to say 'also Abed is sleeping with Ashley and sometimes we have threesomes' but instead he just chuckled. "Really different people."

"So you and Ashley, huh?" Annie felt an uneasy yearning to flee this conversational topic for shallower waters, but she seemed helpless to move the boulder. "And that's going well?"

"Really well, yeah." Troy did that smiling-while-staring-off-into-space thing again. Was that his expression for thinking of the one he loved? Couldn't be, he never got that face when discussing Abed. "And you know, she and Abed are great, too."

If they'd been having this conversation over Discord or texting, or if she'd been talking to Britta about this, Annie would have by this point already come out with, "So you guys are, what, a polyamorous triad? Awesome, I've read about that on the internet, I'm cool," or something. If she'd been talking to Shirley about this… well, it was impossible to imagine having this conversation with Shirley. If she were talking to Jeff about this she would already know everything. 

But Troy? With Troy she found herself wearing a slightly plastic smile and just nodding like she understood everything already and he didn't need to go into salacious detail. If there was salacious detail to go into.  _ Maybe  _ Troy and Ashley were a couple and Abed was their eccentric, beloved, entirely Platonic friend who shared their house. Troy and Abed had always been pretty Platonic when they'd lived with her.

"I think they're playing Smash Brothers downstairs," Troy was saying. Annie snapped back to attention. "I could go get them, if you want? The idea behind these calls is that some of us, not to name names, have become extremely isolated and maybe need a little more human contact than she's getting all alone in her house in Florida?"

Annie quickly shook her head no. "That's okay, no need, no need, it's all cool, Paula Abdul," she said, and immediately regretted it. "I'll be talking to Abed in a couple of days, if we keep the rotation going," she added quickly.

Troy let her incredibly dorky rhyme pass uncommented-on. "Sure. So, you liking the D&D game?"

"Yeah!" Annie lit up, she could see from her image in the corner of her screen. "It's a lot of fun!"

"Be sure to tell Abed. He frets sometimes." Troy glanced away. "Apparently, the whole thing with the ninja turtle people, he made all that up on the spot, because we didn't do something the way he was expecting and he didn't have any notes past 'Flaxen Corners, population of ninja turtle farmers,' you know?"

"I don't think the tortles are actually ninjas," Annie said.

"No way to know," Troy said philosophically. "The first thing ninjas learn is how to hide that they're ninjas. Second thing is summoning giant toads. You didn't see any giant toads, did you?"

"No…"

"Because they're good at hiding them, maybe. Shirley might be really invested in all the ninja turtles and their municipal politics, but I figure the sooner we find the  _ Duck Tales  _ people, the sooner we level up, you know? But it's all a good time. Heads up, Jeff's breaking the rules."

Annie was nonplussed. "What?"

"You and Jeff are, I guess. Abed was telling me, about how Jeff's thing where he gives you extra attacks works. You guys are obviously getting a kick out of it but there's something about how  _ guidance  _ is a cantrip instead of a spell?"

It would, she thought, be just like him to misread a rule to make his character better at working with her character. Whether he'd done it on purpose or not. "I haven't looked at Jeff's class features," Annie said cautiously. 

"I haven't either," Troy said. "It's no big deal, I'm just trying to come up with stuff to talk about that's not a bunch of prying questions about your life."

So Annie started telling him about her life. She talked about her house, and how the rent was cheap because it was in a bad location where she couldn't walk to anything but her own mailbox. She talked about her job, and how with the pandemic she wasn't doing any of the fun stuff that involved getting out of her house and talking to people and investigating. She talked about the Florida court system's web site and how awful it was to get documents properly uploaded and filed. She talked about the package she'd sent Shirley, and how she was thinking about buying her some Tolkien books but she didn't know what Shirley already had and she didn't want to give her something she couldn't use either because she already had a copy of  _ Morgoth's Ring  _ or because taking care of everybody was already eating up all of Shirley's time and she couldn't spare more than the few hours a week for the D&D game for herself…

She didn't talk about Jeff, because she wasn't sure what to say, and Troy didn't ask. He said he'd sent Shirley the logins for all the streaming services that he and Abed subscribed to—apparently there were a lot more than Annie had realized, a whole world beyond Netflix—but didn't know whether she'd used them at all. Annie gave him Shirley's mailing address, which Troy hadn't had, and Troy said he was going to buy Shirley a robot vacuum cleaner because that probably wouldn't make her life any harder, at least.

And then it was dinnertime and Troy and Annie were telling each other the story of how they'd celebrated Troy's departure from Greendale with a lava-world game, and Annie was remembering the way she and Jeff had paired up and the breathless excitement of it and then Troy was reacting to something out of his webcam's field of vision and saying he needed to go, but it had been great and they'd talk again soon, and Annie nodded and laughed and when the call ended she just sat there, on her sofa. It was raining outside and her living room had filled up with shadows.

Day 25 (Tuesday)

_ FROM: Jeff _

_ TO: Annie _

_ SUBJ: no subject _

_ I talked to Britta on Friday and as you may already know, she and Frankie are indeed engaged and are indeed some kind of couple. I say some kind because apparently they aren't having sex. Maybe they are. Anyway it takes all kinds. It's not any of my business but you know how much I like to involve myself in the personal lives of people around me. Now you know what I know. _

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Inappropriate talking about Britta and Frankie behind their backs (was RE: no subject) _

_ Thanks for the news update but nobody should be prying into anybody's private life. If there is one thing I remember about Frankie it is that she does not like to talk about that stuff and I'm sure she wouldn't want us talking about them behind their backs. _

_ Also weren't you friends with them for this whole time? You didn't see anything? _

_ FROM: Jeff _

_ TO: Annie _

_ SUBJ: blah blah blah (was RE: Inappropriate talking about Britta and Frankie behind their backs (was RE: no subject)) _

_ Honestly there was nothing to see. Britta wasn't aware, you think I was in a position to see something? _

_ Let's talk about something else. _

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Something else _

_ When do you want to watch Zootopia together? _

_ FROM: Jeff _

_ TO: Annie _

_ SUBJ: Re: Something else _

_ That is the definition of a leading question. _

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Re: Something else _

_ It is a loaded question not a leading question. Aren't you a lawyer? _

_ FROM: Jeff _

_ TO: Annie _

_ SUBJ: Re: Something else _

_ Ah but you forget I'm not a very good lawyer. _

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Re: Something else _

_ Come on, you know you want to see what I'm so excited about. It's a good movie! _

_ NO SPOILERS!! _

_ FROM: Jeff _

_ TO: Annie _

_ SUBJ: Re: Something else _

_ Ok but if it turns out that the big twist relates to Inspector Spacetime or Cougar Town or sexy furry animal-people stuff I am going to be disappointed in you. _

_ Can you get to a liquor store? _

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Re: Something else _

_ I haven't even said there's a big twist. In fact I will say there is not a big twist and you can judge for yourself afterwards how honest I am being right now. Wanna see it tonight? _

_ I can get to a liquor store. Why are you asking? Do you want me to pick you up something on my way home?? There is more than one issue with that. _

He had, of course, wanted to call her up sooner. Really if he could have his way, there would just be an ongoing 24/7 live connection between his apartment and her house, so he could just call out to her and hear her respond, whenever. But there were probably downsides to such an arrangement, besides the obvious one of her getting sick of seeing him constantly leering at her. So he waited. All of Friday, all of Saturday. Sunday he got as far as composing a hey-let's-hang-out text before it occurred to him to check her schedule and see that she was almost certainly already in a chat with Troy. On Monday he was suddenly worried that if she hadn't reached out to him, she wouldn't welcome him reaching out to her. He had a meeting with Maureen that afternoon anyway and it seemed better to spread things out.

By Tuesday morning he couldn't wait any more, though. And given how rapid her responses were, his emails weren't unwelcome. Maybe he could talk her into a regular check-in, after dinner her time, maybe. If he'd gotten a damn treadmill they could have run together, maybe.

His erstwhile partner and current boss, Mark, checked in on him a few times a week, usually at the tail end of a scheduled work meeting. Mark would cluck his tongue and speculate about the toll isolation must have been taking on Jeff's mental health, because Mark was bad at boundaries. Twice already Mark had tried to talk Jeff into relocating to his guest bedroom for the duration of the crisis. Jeff had politely declined, of course, and as the days turned to weeks with no end in sight he was glad he had. 

Annie seemed to be holding up fine. Well enough that Jeff couldn't justify reaching out to her more often than the couple-of-times-a-week that they'd seemed to have settled into. She probably would have cheerfully talked to him more often, if he'd asked for it, but it didn't seem fair to put that on her. Like he'd have been taking advantage of their friendship.

Maureen had some choice words about that.

Regardless, he waited until Tuesday, like an adult, and then he suggested that if he was going to watch a Disney movie about a cartoon rabbit cop, she could try Drambuie.

"Ice in cup. Done. Now what?"

"Pour an ounce of the Drambuie over the ice, and then one ounce of the Speyside, and stir."

"And this is going to make your dirt-flavored liquor palatable?" Annie held the glass up to her eyeline, and looked at it in the light. A sort of golden syrup hung suspended in the bright fluid, rolling around the big ice cubes.

"Just try it," Jeff said. "Or don't. Set it down and walk away, after getting all the way to the point where you're about to try it."

"I can see the ice melting and mixing with the scotch," Annie mused. It was actually very pretty. She hesitated, then took a very careful, very small sip.

"Huh," she said.

"What did I tell you?"

Annie took another sip. "Huh," she said again. "Okay, I can see why you thought I might like this."

"In a perfect world, I would now take the drink from you and finish it while making you a margarita or an appletini or something," Jeff said. He didn't seem particularly surprised by her reaction. A little disappointed, but not surprised.

"I didn't say I didn't like it," Annie glanced down at him, imprisoned as he was in the laptop on her couch. "I just implied that I didn't like it." She took another sip. "It's starting to grow on me."

"You're welcome." Jeff held a glass with a similar mix in one hand. She could see it in the webcam, if she looked. He took a sip, and it was like they were drinking together.

"You know, I have tried scotch before," Annie said as she stared at the glass, weighing whether or not she wanted any more of it. "Right after I turned twenty-one, I tried to get into scotch."

"Yeah." If she closed her eyes it was almost like he was there in the room with her.

"It wasn't that you liked scotch and I wanted you to see me as the cool scotch-drinking girl you could drink scotch with," she continued, still staring at her glass. "That would have been a little bonus."

Jeff made some noncommittal noise. She didn't look his way, choosing to remain focused on the drink.

There had been a brief window when knocking back scotch with Jeff had been part of the fantasy, but it was never a focus and she'd moved on from that quickly, anyway. "The main thing was that I wanted to be a cool scotch-drinking grown-up, not a child with, I don't know, wine coolers. Wine coolers," she repeated thoughtfully. "You know I don't think I've ever had a wine cooler?"

"They're terrible." Annie did glance over, then, and saw that Jeff had shifted in his seat. Maybe he hadn't liked the reference to Once-Upon-an-Annie wanting him to think she was cool. "Nobody over the age of sixteen should ever have one," he said.

She cracked a smile. "Sixteen, huh?"

"Maybe fifteen. Listen, I don't make rules about underage drinking, I just thank God I'm no longer a teenager and I don't have to drink wine coolers or cheap beer."

Annie took one more sip of the drink. "I definitely like this better than scotch. I don't know if I would order it at a bar, or make it for myself, but if somebody were making two and offered me the extra I'd definitely take it."

"And as we all know, that's the strongest endorsement of a scotch-based cocktail you or anyone could possibly make," Jeff said. "I'm calling that a win."

"And now I own what is, for me, a lifetime supply both of single-malt scotch whisky and…I don't even know what Drambuie is."

"Nobody does."

"So we're both winners," Annie said, pleased. She felt a bit of a rush of satisfaction, as though this were indeed some kind of triumph they had fought for together, and won. Maybe that was the scotch. She almost said something ridiculous like  _ when things are normal again you'll have to come visit and help me drink the rest of these bottles  _ but stopped herself, wisely she thought.

She could tell he was winding up to say something clever or heartfelt, so she didn't suggest they go ahead and start the movie, either. Instead she just sipped her drink (which really was growing on her, she might even have a second one later) and looked at him, looking at her.

"Annie, I appreciate you hanging out with me like this," he eventually said. "I enjoy your company."

She blinked. That was it? "It's not like I'm doing you a favor; I'm stuck home alone, too." Annie grinned. "I like hanging out with you. I like it a lot. Now let's start the movie, because the first part is really cute, she's a little girl bunny…"

"Hang on," he said, and she did a double take, because he was sitting up, leaning forward, expression solemn and hands drumming his knees. "I don't think I ever told you. I liked hanging out with you at Greendale."

Her smile became an anxious one, because his body language and tone were not matching his innocuous words. "Yeah, I know… I liked it too. You said the other day, what did you say? You said I was the best part of Greendale. Which was really sweet, Jeff." He didn't seem remotely satisfied. "If you'd told me that five or six years ago I would have melted," she added. She'd actually melted a little bit then, but that didn't seem worth mentioning.

"Damn it," Jeff almost snarled in frustration. He shook his head like he couldn't believe what had just happened, and sighed. "Damn it, Maureen…"

Annie just looked at him quizzically. Was Jeff always like this, and she was only having trouble following him because of the scotch? She took another sip of the scotch-Drambuie mixture, in case it helped.

"I'm sorry," Jeff said, with resignation. "I was talking to my therapist yesterday and we went down this rabbit hole about this pattern I might have where I don't tell people that they're important to me because I don't like knowing that you're more important to me than I am to you…not  _ you— _ I mean, yes, you, but not only you. I said I would tell you, as directly and explicitly as I could, the next time I saw you, and she asked when that was, and I said tomorrow, meaning today. Tuesday."

Annie stirred. They hadn't made the plan to meet and watch  _ Zootopia  _ until just a few hours ago.

"And she said why Tuesday and I said because I saw you on Thursday and I didn't want to wear out my welcome, or overstep any boundaries." Jeff looked miserable. "She said, was that a boundary that you set, not seeing you more than twice a week, or was that something I'd decided on my own in my head…"

Annie could no longer resist jumping in to help him. "And so here we are, with you telling me via a formal letter to the court that you like talking to me."

"Exactly." He slumped with relief. "It's silly. You know I like you. Let's move on, watch this damn cartoon."

"Aw," Annie cooed, smiling despite herself. "I seem to remember you having a real problem with intimacy, and pushing people away. All the nicest things you ever said to me you did via the medium of group text message, and it wasn't ever me specifically you were texting, it was the whole study group. Or you would give one of your speeches, and it would culminate with something like 'and I love you all,' and I swear, every time you said 'love' you looked right at me, but…" Annie swallowed. That had gotten away from her, a little bit. "Anyway, I'm Team Maureen."

"Can we just start the movie?" Jeff asked, but his tone was no more than 40% plaintive. He was, hmm, maybe 60% relieved. Maybe 80%. Annie felt silly putting it in those terms but she also felt that if she didn't keep her reactions light Jeff might panic and hang up on her the way somebody had, the first time they'd chatted together. "I've bared my soul to you, which, you know, that was actually very brave of me."

"Well, is there anything embarrassing about me that you want to know?" Annie asked. "You were there for most of the Annie Edison Freakout Highlight Reel. And I told you the story about the alligator, last week. I think you already know everything."

Jeff snorted, and shook his head slightly. "Not unless there's something I don't know about holding hands at Disneyland."

"What?" Annie stopped short. "I don't—" Right, he'd mentioned that before, her reaction must have been more memorable than she'd thought. "That's… that's a story for another time."

"Story?" Jeff raised an eyebrow.

Crap. Now she was being all evasive and mysterious. "It's nothing. Poor choice of words. Let's watch that movie, huh?"

Annie watched him decide not to press the question, and instead file it away as a topic to bring up again sometime in the future. Which made it a problem Future Annie could deal with. " _ Zootopia  _ ," she said. "I've got it set up. You didn't look it up, did you?"

Jeff shook his head. "I know it's a Disney cartoon about a bunny cop." He held up his hand, which still had his drink in it until he moved it to his other hand. "Scout's honor."

"Good, good." Annie started the movie. "You'll like it. I think."

He cried four times.


	9. A tawdry one-night stand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to bethanyactually, thanks to amrywiol, thanks to everyone who leaves comments and/or kudos.

Day 26 (Wednesday)

When he woke up and checked his phone, Jeff had to look twice at the date because it seemed impossible that March had ended more than a week ago. March had gone on forever. April was flying by. There was an email from Annie but he made reading it his reward for the calisthenics he was rapidly coming to loathe. They were just so boring.

_ FROM: Annie _

_ TO: Jeff _

_ SUBJ: Just so you know _

__ _ You don't need to wait to email me, or call me, or text me, or whatever. If I'm busy and I don't pick up/respond right away, it won't be because I'm ghosting you. Likewise you do not need to worry about dropping everything to get back to me instantly because otherwise I might think you are ghosting me. Ghosting is not on the table (remember that pottery class?). _

__ _ We didn't talk about it last night so what was your favorite part of Zootopia? _

__ _ Also I just realized I never heard about your job and how your life is going in general and it's been weeks at this point so I'm starting to worry you're hiding something terrible from me. _

__ _ FROM: Jeff _

__ _ TO: Annie _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ 1 Ok _

__ _ 2 Zootopia was cute. There was something really familiar about the go-getting, overachieving, high energy bunny. She was very cute. Her triumphant chase through the mouse town was great. _

__ _ 3 My job right now is a lot of drafting letters for idiots, to other idiots, and sitting in on Zoom meetings between idiots and agreeing with my boss whenever he needs someone to agree with him. Billable hours are way down but that's true for everybody. _

__ _ PS don't tell anyone my work is so idiot-centric, that's technically confidential information subject to attorney-client privilege. _

__ _ FROM: Annie _

__ _ TO: Jeff _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ You are not the first person to assert that I share a lot of Judy's characteristics but really I don't see it. She has really supportive parents, she's wanted to be a police officer since she was a little girl, there's this whole privilege subtext… you're totally a Nick, though. TOTALLY. _

__ _ When I left Greendale I was young and naive and assumed that the real world didn't have so many idiots in it. Then for a while I thought, oh, all the idiots are working for the government. And now that I'm in the private sector I understand the awful truth that idiots are everywhere. I'm an idiot myself sometimes so I don't hold it against people. It must be hard for you, Jeff, being the only non-idiot in the world. _

__

__ _ FROM: Jeff _

__ _ TO: Annie _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ 1 Ok there's 3 differences between you and the bunny and 97 similarities. She doesn't give up, she's smart, she thinks quickly, more than one person in the movie calls her cute, she sought out a job in law enforcement, etc etc etc _

__ _ I do not agree I am like Nick but discussing this further would involve more analysis of a children's cartoon than I am willing to contemplate. _

__ _ 2 It is indeed very difficult to accept the burden I bear but I appreciate your sympathy. _

__ _ FROM: Annie _

__ _ TO: Jeff _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ Do you think Judy and Nick were a couple at the end? At the concert in the closing credits? _

__ _ FROM: Jeff _

__ _ TO: Annie _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ I was going to say no they are different species but I went back and watched the bit you mean again. Maybe. Are there any examples of cross-species couples in the movie? I assume you have studied every frame of it. _

__ _ FROM: Annie _

__ _ TO: Jeff _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ If there are, they are so subtle I missed them. _

__ _ I read that the producers decided to make whether Judy and Nick were together ambiguous so they could leave as much room as possible for a sequel, like they didn't want to commit to them being a couple now if while they were making the second movie it turned out the movie worked better if they weren't. They rewrote a huge amount during production of the first movie, the plot was going to be totally different and Nick had to wear a shock collar _

__ _ FROM: Jeff _

__ _ TO: Annie _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ I don't know what to do with that information. I would prefer to do nothing, and move on with my life, but right now I'm not sure that's possible. _

__ _ FROM: Annie _

__ _ TO: Jeff _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ Would you like to chat again tonight? I'm free any time after noon your time. _

__ _ FROM: Jeff _

__ _ TO: Annie _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ Only if you promise not to bring up putting me in a shock collar. _

__ _ FROM: Annie _

__ _ TO: Jeff _

__ _ SUBJ: Re: Just so you know _

__ _ Only if you promise not to seize me in your mighty predator limbs, hold me down, and devour me with your strong jaws because I'm just too delicious for you to resist for one second longer _

__ _ FROM: Annie _

__ _ TO: Jeff _

__ _ SUBJ: Can you unsend email _

__ _ Can you unsend email?? Like hypothetically if immediately after sending it you re-read what you just wrote and wanted to die? Asking for a friend. _

"So," Jeff said, "Carmen and Fej."

It was several hours later. They'd chatted about different things. Jeff explained how he'd ended up working for his old friend and onetime companion-in-arms Mark. Annie described the weird internal politics of parts of the law firm that employed her, and they both complained about how boring it was to do a bunch of push-ups all by yourself. The solution was obvious but it wasn't until dinnertime that either of them broached the idea of doing them together.

At dinner they had almost signed off, taken a break, but then they realized they could just keep the chat window open, because why not? And so they watched each other prepare and eat what turned out to be the same meal-kit meals from the same meal-kit company they were both subscribed to. Jeff forgot the little pouch of cumin; Annie didn't think he was missing much.

"Carmen and Fej," agreed Annie. They had not discussed  _ Zootopia  _ further, because Jeff didn't bring it up and Annie was afraid that if she brought it up he would say something about devouring or otherwise ravishing her. Which, really, it was kind of tempting, just to see how he'd react. But no. "Carmen and Fej," she repeated solemnly.

"Last we discussed he'd asked her out, and was taking her to dinner at a nice restaurant in…" Jeff scowled. "Crap, I forget the town name."

"Blue something," Annie said, straining to remember. "It doesn't matter."

"Fej takes Carmen to the finest steakhouse in Blue's Clues," Jeff declared.

Annie smiled. "Okay…"

"He figures she's from the wasteland, so she ought to be impressed with a sophisticated dining experience," Jeff said. He'd clearly given this part some thought, at least. "Fej arranged with the chef in advance. It's a six-course tasting menu, with a small cocktail served with each course. Salad, dumpling, soup, steak, dessert, and fruit." He ticked off the courses on his fingers.

"Each course is served by a different host or hostess," Annie said, brainstorming. "Their outfit complements the food, and they stand there and give a little presentation about the course, and the cocktail, and then they leave so we don't have to talk to them."

Jeff laughed. "Have you ever had a tasting menu?"

Annie shook her head. "I've watched some television. Little portions, elaborate presentations, right?"

"Sure." He was smiling at her like she'd said something funny. "I've only done it a couple of times myself."

"Anyway, tasting menu. At one point," Annie announced, "one of the hosts seems to catch Carmen's eye. He's in this wispy tunic thing that really shows off his chest, and super tight pants, and he's almost as tall as Fej."

Jeff raised an eyebrow. "Fej urbanely ignores the guy and once he's gone Fej makes a joke at his expense."

"Oh, yeah?" Annie asked, prompting him.

"Sure, his pants are too tight, they cut off his circulation, all the blood pools in his chest, which…" He gestured towards nothing. "If necessary Fej just repeats what the guy said in a silly voice, but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that."

"I think I'm willing to laugh at this nameless server's expense without you needing to do a voice," Annie said. "I like that you show a little dab of jealousy. Really, Carmen was just feigning attraction to the guy because all the girl servers are wearing basically lingerie and she felt threatened."

"Lingerie? Really?" Jeff stroked his chin thoughtfully. "What kind of place am I taking you to?"

Annie found herself wagging her finger at him. "By Carmen's standards, it's lingerie. Small-tribe values, remember, she's very conservative. The real Carmen, future Carmen, she's a lot more relaxed about it. But this was fifteen years ago; she was just first level and very new on the adventuring scene. Her views at this time are extremely provincial. And her leather catsuit doesn't show any skin below the neck. And her hands, I guess. Her feet are in the big stripper boots."

"Ah, I see," Jeff said, grinning. She liked it when he grinned at her. "Wait," he said, "is she wearing the catsuit to dinner?"

Annie laughed. "She doesn't own any other clothing, Jeff, what do you expect?"

"Do we need to do a  _ Pretty Woman  _ montage? I take you to a bunch of clothiers and milliners and fantasy big-stripper-boot-makers, you try stuff on, I pay for it?"

"I can pay for it," Annie said firmly. "We're out on the date because we just got paid for killing rats or something, by the Fighter's Guild, remember? So we're flush with cash. You buy dinner, I buy clothes."

"And we both get something because this way I get to see you in different outfits?"

"Sure, why not?" She batted her eyes at him a little.

"Oh." A sharp intake of breath. "I wasn't sure you could still do that."

"Still do what?" Annie asked innocently.

Jeff looked a little embarrassed, but only a little. "That thing where you look at me and…" He sighed. "It's been a minute."

Annie blinked, because she hadn't thought about it but she was pretty sure the last time she'd batted her eyes like that at anybody, it had been Jeff. That couldn't be right, though, she must have batted her eyes at Josh. And Travis, too, at least. Even if in the current moment she couldn't remember. "Well, um, you get older, you outgrow certain habits. Until someone reminds you."

There was a long silence, as they looked at each other. First they were both smiling, and then gradually their expressions became softer, wistful, almost melancholy.

"I wish—" Annie began, and stopped as Jeff had started to say something at the same time.

"You first," he said as she felt her cheeks grow hot.

"I just, um, I wish we were doing this in person," she said awkwardly. "That's all."

"Right back at you," he said. And then there was another long silence, and somehow their smiles went from melancholy back through wistful to just happy to see one another, even if it was only a simulation of spending time together, via video chat. Even if they were actually two thousand miles apart.

After a while, probably just a few seconds, Jeff cleared his throat. "So after the shopping montage, and Carmen getting decked out in Bluetown fashions, after that are they a couple? Or is there still the problem of Fej not giving Carmen a reindeer?"

"Multiple reindeer, ideally," Annie responded. "I feel like something must have happened to make us pull the trigger and sleep together."

Jeff's eyebrows tightened slightly, which Annie recognized, somehow, as his signal for  _ you would be frustrating me were I not too cool to be frustrated. _ "Something more than a date and a shopping montage?"

"Sure, yeah." She nodded, trying to figure a way to thread the needle. "Afterwards, Fej and Carmen walk back to the hostel or wherever I'm staying. I got a room somewhere, that's not important. You walk me home and it's been a great time and we kiss on my doorstep, where I can stand on the stoop and reach you better."

The tightness in his eyebrows hadn't gone completely away but Jeff was grinning at her, again. "Okay…"

"And of course you want me to invite you in, for sex, and I want to, too," she said, trying not to get flustered. "But I just can't break my tribal customs. I have to get a reindeer, is what I think, otherwise it's just a tawdry one-night stand. So we kiss on the step. A little bit of petting…" She blinked twice, almost but not quite losing her train of thought. "And then I'm just overwhelmed by conflicting emotions and I make you leave."

"You make me leave?" He looked less frustrated, more confused. "I mean, obviously I don't stick around if you don't want me to, I'm not an asshole." Brief pause, then he amended. "I'm not that kind of asshole."

Annie bit her lip, not sure where she was going. "But then… but then!" she said quickly, as a wild thought struck her. "But then we both get a Guild job to escort a merchant along a trade route, and the first night out we're at this little roadside inn, and there's… Only! One! Bed!"

Jeff looked nonplussed. "Are you aware you're shouting?"

Overflowing with excitement, Annie slapped the couch cushion next to her. "There's only one bed, so Fej does the gallant thing and offers it to Carmen. But Carmen doesn't want poor Fej to have to sleep on the floor!"

"There's not a sofa or anything?" he asked, but he liked that she was all excited about it, she could tell.

"I don't want you to have to sleep on the floor," she said, a paragon of reasonableness, "so, you're under a sheet, and I'm over a sheet, and it's fine, I say. I insist. And once we're in the same bed, we just… let it happen. Carmen initiates," Annie concluded. "Because she pushed Fej away before. About three minutes after they climb into bed she rolls over and he's right there and she snuggles up to him, and he puts his arm over her. And it feels so good, so right. And she realizes, if she just moves her head like an inch his lips are right there, and then she kisses him, and one thing leads to another…"

Jeff didn't react immediately and Annie was afraid, for a moment, that she'd somehow messed up. Then he chuckled and shook his head. "Okay," he said. "Okay. I'm fine with that being the story, if you want. It's just… you remember, we're D&D characters, right? We're used to roughing it. Carmen is probably more comfortable camping outside the inn than in a stranger's bed anyway. I would think."

"No, because…" Annie trailed off, considering. "Damn. You're right."

"You look deflated," Jeff said.

"I really wanted to do 'only one bed'," she admitted.

He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, they seemed almost to glitter. "Okay, well, maybe there's a big electrical storm going on and only a fool would sleep outside," Jeff suggested. "Or…or there's a local festival or taboo where sleeping outside would get us arrested or strung up."

Annie brightened. "Really?"

"Yes," Jeff said. He nodded sagely. "It's both, actually. The inn is at the edge of Hicksville where they're celebrating Hick Days, and the rule is that nobody can sleep outside during Hick Days or the bad old woman of the swamp will come and eat all the children in town. All the Hicks believe this. Also, separately, there's a massive rainstorm. Flash flood warning, the works. So obviously the inn is completely booked up, there's not even space to crash in the common room, but the merchant we're escorting has some kind of secret deal with the innkeeper—he's her mead connection. So the innkeeper set aside a little room for us to use, and then the merchant and the innkeeper end up sleeping together in the innkeeper's own room so the merchant isn't there, it's just us, in this tiny room with just one bed in it."

"I love you," Annie said without thinking.

Jeff froze for a half a second.

"You know what I mean," she said, looking away and trying to pretend she wasn't so flustered. "You know."

"I know," he agreed slowly. He grinned, one more time. "I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you need context regarding Zootopia, I suggest a google image search for "judy pulling nick's tie." You have to leave off the quotation marks though! Don't ask me why.


	10. There was an outset

Day 27 (Thursday)

Jeff had a hard time concentrating on his work, distracted as he was by thoughts of Annie, and Carmen, and sharing a bed with Annie or Carmen… Luckily, on that day his job responsibilities really were limited almost entirely to sitting in on Zoom meetings and agreeing with Mark, which he could do in his sleep. 

Of course, Mark was a lot of things but he wasn't any flavor of idiot; he noticed Jeff was distracted and touched base with him briefly after the last call. He wasn't interested in chastising Jeff, just in making sure that he was hanging in, despite the global pandemic and world in crisis.

"It's rough for everybody, buddy," Mark told him. "We're getting our groceries delivered now, and half the time—more than half—there's something key that they're out of and they try to offer a substitute which is just  _ no  _ substitute. When I order rye flour I want rye flour, not whole wheat flour, you know what I mean?" He sighed, shaking his head. "Hash tag I realize that it's a pretty minor thing compared to what a lot of people are dealing with, but hash tag this is where I'm at, you know? Hash tag wealthy gourmet problems."

"I don't think that's how you use 'hashtag'," Jeff said, "but it doesn't matter because I don't think anyone under thirty still uses 'hashtag' in conversation at all."

"No?" Mark seemed disappointed. Then he sat up in his home office chair and his demeanor shifted in a way Jeff recognized as Mark deciding to get down to business. "Well, you'd know. What are you eating these days?" he asked, which seemed pretty innocuous compared to the conversation about litigation they'd just finished.

"Uh, still avoiding carbs," Jeff said slowly. "I have a meal kit subscription, it's all kale and chicken."

Mark nodded skeptically. "You know how I feel about meal kits. It's like renting pornography and claiming you're in a serious relationship."

Jeff yawned, without meaning to. He was lucky to have a good relationship with Mark. "Okay, nobody under forty has  _ ever  _ rented pornography…" 

"Which kit are you subscribed to? No, you know what, don't tell me, it'll just annoy me because there is no right answer to that, only wrong ones." Mark was shaking his head in mild disgust. "If you're eating food and working out, which I assume you are because you remain lean and muscular while the rest of us are slowly turning to suet… you're sleeping well enough, you told me your therapist is doing video calls now, and I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're taking my advice about getting out of your apartment for a walk every day…"

"Mark, boss, what are you asking me? Or are you not asking me anything, you just want to show off how you've been prepping for your next appearance on the  _ Answer Questions About Jeff Winger to Win Fabulous Prizes  _ podcast?"

"What's up?" Mark asked him. "Because I can tell something's up and it's not just the relentless drumbeat of worsening news. It's something specific. Don't try to deny it, Tango. Is it your mother? Is your mother okay?"

Jeff cleared his throat. "She's fine. As far as I know. She says there haven't been any cases in her area. Which isn't true, by the way, but try telling her that… " Ugh, God, now Jeff was worried about his mother again.

Meanwhile Mark was eyeing him skeptically. "Yeah, no, it's not that. Is it…is it good news?" His perplexed expression gave way to one of concern. "Jeff, did someone make you a job offer? Don't say yes until you've given us a chance to match it! You know I don't make compensation decisions for non-equity partners, I'm not on that committee, but I can pull some strings. You were a risky hire they told me, but you've been doing good work—"

"No, I haven't—I was a risky hire? You came to me!" Jeff scowled. "And then I came to you, what, four years later, hat in hand…"

"Don't worry about it," Mark assured him. "You do good work, you do deserve greater compensation, and I'll see what I can do about that at the end of the fiscal year. Which is still months away, so, angling for a raise isn't what this is about."

"Isn't what  _ what  _ is about?" Jeff snapped. Or almost snapped. Mark was maybe his closest friend these days, but he was still Jeff's boss.

"You've been moon-eyed and distracted. It's worse today, and you haven't shut me down by insisting that it's just the simple fact of living through a global crisis the full scope of which won't be known for months or years. Or by telling me it's none of my beeswax—"

"Would that work?" Jeff asked wearily, but he didn't take the opportunity to shut Mark down.

"So out with it, Tango. What's the thing you keep thinking about when you should be thinking about our poor client and the way she was mistreated by the thugs at that bank?"

Jeff closed his eyes and took a breath, weighing his options. "There's a girl," he said after deciding that if he didn't say anything he'd just open himself up to further interrogation with Mark in full bulldog mode.

Mark was nonplussed "Girl as in…?"

"Girl as in woman. Woman I used to know. We've been talking on video chat. We're playing in a D&D game once a week." Jeff looked away from his screen and webcam, focusing instead on a random object hanging on a far wall. He blinked in surprise when he realized he was looking at his framed newspaper from the debate with Annie.

Mark seemed even more nonplussed. "A woman? In this economy? I'm… I'm surprised. I remember you were very performatively heterosexual back in the day—bars this, picking up chicks that—"

"That was a long time ago," Jeff snapped. Actually snapped, this time.

Mark ignored his tone. "Yeah, yeah. And the last couple of years you haven't been interested in any woman, as far as I know."

Jeff shook his head. "I guess not, no."

"So when did you know this woman? Is she divorced? Still married? Did she teach at the community college?" Mark suddenly leaned forward, remembering something. "She's not that guidance counselor, is she? The blonde?"

Jeff let out a little bark of surprised laughter. "When did you meet….no, no, not her."

"Oh, good." Mark seemed relieved. "I was gonna say…" He shook his head. "But somebody at the college, right?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah." Jeff nodded reluctantly. "She was a student when I was. We were in a study group together."

Mark was leaning back in his seat now. "Huh. Makes sense."

"She was also right out of high school when I met her." Jeff looked away again. His eyes went to the framed headline. "My first day at the college, actually."

"So now she's, what, she's thirty?" Mark asked quietly.

"Yeah. And, you know, the whole time we were at that school together, there was…but I didn't want to be a monster."

"Because she was a teenager."

"Yeah," Jeff said again. "And then she moved away, and that was…for the best. For her, definitely. She's apparently doing great."

"She moved away," Mark repeated. Jeff recognized the cadence of his voice, he was grilling Jeff as though he were a witness. "Where'd she go?"

"East Coast," Jeff said shortly. "She worked for the feds for a while, she's a paralegal in Florida now."

"Florida," Mark repeated.

"Some of the guys from our old study group set up an online Dungeons & Dragons game, and we're both players in it, and…we've been hanging out. Chatting." Jeff swallowed. "We watched  _ Zootopia  _ the other night."

Mark chuckled. "Hah,  _ Zootopia, _ that's a cute movie. You're an absolute Nick, you know that?"

Jeff nodded weakly. "Well, she's an absolute Judy."

"Sounds like a winning combination," Mark said. He leaned back and stared off into space. "But maybe not right now? With her in Florida and you here?"

"Yeah. I mean, I can't exactly hop on a plane. And who knows if there's even anything there, really. It doesn't mean anything, necessarily. We aren't breathing the same air. We definitely aren't touching. I'm alone in my apartment, she's alone in her house. We said at the outset that it was a bad time to start anything—"

"Hold on, hold on," Mark interrupted. "There was an outset? An outset at which the two of you agreed in advance that it was 'a bad time to start anything'? Meaning that you both immediately recognized there was something to start?"

"What's your point, Mark?" Jeff asked shortly.

"You just said, you don't know, is there anything there, and then I think you answered your own question, chief."

"I…" Jeff sighed. "Maybe."

An alarm somewhere near Mark's desk started beeping. "That's my one minute warning going off because I ignored the five-minute for my next meeting," he said. "I gotta go, I gotta get on another call. Listen, you talk to your therapist about this girl? God, what's her name, I can't believe I didn't—"

"Annie. Annie Edison. And no, no I haven't."

"Well, do that," Mark told him. "And one piece of advice—this is coming from a place of love, and you know I'm happily married so I'm speaking from personal experience…"

Jeff mentally braced himself.

"See if you can get this 'Annie Edison'… She sounds like a girl detective. Heroine of a series of middle-grade mystery novels. Nevermind. See if you can get her to send nudes. I know," Mark said. He was speaking quickly, making a hand gesture somewhere between waving away concerns and waggling a finger to emphasize his points. "I know, trash move, that's your first thought, but when the love is there, it can be a very intimate experience for both of you. Still photographs only, don't try to record home pornos. Offer to send her nudes, too. Just think about it. I gotta go. Good luck, buddy!"

Mark hung up abruptly.

As Jeff tried to process  _ that  _ , Annie emailed him, suggesting they have lunch virtually together. Before he could respond she immediately followed up saying she needed to cancel because of work, but she should be free by four his time, and then followed up again saying she wouldn't be free after all, somebody had screwed something up with some filing and she was having to completely rewrite some kind of evidence index. She would be done in time for the D&D game, she promised him.

And the day screamed by. Jeff might have gone for a walk at some point, it was impossible to say. Then it was time for Abed's D&D game. They were switching to using the Discord server's video streaming options, Abed said, because it permitted direct messages within the app, which made passing notes and private exchanges between players possible. When Jeff joined the stream he saw that Annie was already there, and smiled at her. She was smiling demurely at him.

"Jeff, hello!" Shirley waved. She looked ragged, but then, so did he, and he wasn't trying to hold a family together in the face of coronavirus.

Annie was radiant of course but probably a bit more bedraggled than she usually was, to be fair. It was the first time he could think of that he'd seen her in a sweatshirt. Troy and Abed looked fine, but they always looked fine. Britta…Britta was not there.

"Shirley," Jeff said, nodding to her. "How's it going?"

"I was just telling people, I think we're starting to come out the other side. Elijah is feeling a little better, finally, and no one else has gotten sick. Ben had a little bit of a cough but he's fine. I feel bad for Brian, he's been stuck in our room like a prisoner in solitary. We've been doing this thing where we sit in the backyard fifteen feet apart and—oh!" She broke off abruptly as Britta joined the chat.

"Hi guys, sorry I'm late," Britta said. Idly, Jeff noted that she looked more on the Abed & Troy level of presentable, less on the Jeff & Shirley side. She wore laundered clothes and her hair had been brushed.

"I hear wedding bells are in the air," Shirley said. "I'm so glad you're happy!" She seemed glad, too. Not for the first time Jeff reflected that this D&D game, and interacting with her old friend group, might just be Shirley's only escape from her home situation.

"Oh, uh, thank you," Britta said, nonplussed. "I mean, traditional marriage is a prison men built for women over the course of thousands of years, but with me and Frankie it's gonna be totes different."

"It already is," Annie assured her.

**#JWinger, annie**

**JWinger**

I'm sure there are many sexless marriages out there, probably even a few happy ones

**(1 Tongue-sticking-out: annie)**

You got the indexing stuff done okay?

**annie**

Almost.

I'm finishing it right now, don't tell anyone.

**(1 Shush: annie)**

**JWinger**

If they notice you're distracted they'll just assume I'm passing you notes

**annie**

You _ are  _ passing me notes

**(2 Heart: annie, JWinger)**

Meanwhile Britta had launched into a story, the point of which was not immediately obvious. Something about her making Frankie dinner, and burning a vegetarian lasagna. It wasn't until she was almost at the end that Jeff realized this was the story of how Britta had formally proposed to Frankie, since "hey Shirley suggested we get married for the legal protections" was such an unromantic turn of phrase.

"Aw," Shirley and Annie cooed, on cue.

"That's sweet," said Troy. "

Abed cleared his throat. "Can we start the game soon? Or do people have more stories about their daily lives to share? Earlier today I ate some grapes. There's my story. Annie, what's yours?"

"Huh?" Annie suddenly had a deer-in-the-headlights look. She must have gone back to trying to finish her work.

"My story for sharing with the group," Jeff interjected, "is that I agreed to play Dungeons & Dragons once a week until the world started making sense again. So I hope you have several more months of games planned out, Abed. It's not looking great."

"One more thing, before we begin, thank you. Sunday is Easter, as I'm sure you all know," Shirley said, her voice at its most lilting. "No offense, Annie."

"None taken," Annie said distractedly.

"Would anyone like to join my family and our church for a positive and inclusive online streaming experience in celebration of the resurrection of the Savior? I can send you the URL."

Shirley sounded so hopeful that for a split second Jeff suspected Annie was going to agree. He watched her shift in her seat and look uncomfortable, but say nothing.

**annie**

Next Thursday is Passover Seder but right now seems like a bad time to bring that up especially since I'm doing document markup in another window.

**(1 Worried: JWinger)**

"I know, it's fine," Shirley said with a sigh just before the silence became too awkward. "Jehovah's Witness, Jewish, Muslim, Godless heathen, and, ugh, whatever Jeff is."

Britta coughed. "I, uh, actually I've been going to Unitarian services. With Frankie."

"Aw," Shirley cooed. 

"I wouldn't say I'm Unitarian now, or anything. But yeah, my soon-to-be-wife got me to start going with her to church last year." Britta looked confused. "That  _ so  _ isn't a sentence I ever thought I'd say, but…" She trailed off. "You know." 

"Britta, dear," said Shirley. "That's so sweet it almost makes up for the disappointment of none of y'all being willing to do the Christian thing and claim you'll attend virtual services with me and then not do it, knowing I would have no way of finding out you were a virtual no-show, and that lying to me now would make me feel better."

There was a general chorus of guilty-sounding offers to attend virtual services, from everyone except Abed.

"It's fine. I know, you all have so much going on," Shirley said. "I'm sure you don't want to have to reschedule your brunch plans and your family get-togethers and your Easter picnics and parades and egg hunts…" She clucked her tongue and shook her head. "It's fine. I'll just paste in the URL and if the Lord moves you Sunday morning, well, that's between you and Him."

"Moving on," Abed said, a little sharply, "you all were leaving Flaxen Corners and allowing the tortles to guide you to the ruins of Casablanca."

"You all right, Abed?" Jeff asked, because no one else had and he was acting unusually tense. 

"I'm fine," Abed said, tightly enough that it was apparent to everyone that he wasn't.

Troy sighed heavily. "I said I was sorry, man. Ashley's sorry, too."

"What happened?" Britta asked.

"Ashley and I accidentally locked him out of the game room," Troy said. "On the bright side, we found out the soundproofing really works."

"I know it was an accident," Abed said quietly. "And I know that accidents happen."

"And I know that it was also a literalization of the way you're afraid of getting locked out of our relationship," Troy said. "But man, you know Ashley loves you, right?"

"Do you guys need to take this offline?" Jeff asked.

"No. I want to run the D&D game." Abed stared into the middle distance.

Troy was rubbing his eyes with a finger and thumb of his left hand, pinching the bridge of his nose. "She's nuts about you, man. You gotta talk to her directly."

"I think I speak for everyone when I say that we have no context for this dispute but Troy is probably right," said Shirley. "You should talk to your…friend?"

"Yes! Yes," said Britta. "I was just about to say that."

"Is 'friend' the right word?" Shirley asked doubtfully.

"We're all friends here, Shirley, you know?" Troy looked pained. "I don't want to delay the game any more, but maybe—"

"I'm sending Ashley a text," Abed announced. He had his phone in his hands.

"You know she's, like, right outside," Troy said.

Abed made a noncommittal noise, without looking up from his phone. "And, sent." He looked at his phone expectantly, and sure enough, it buzzed only a few seconds later. "Huh," he said, reading whatever Ashley's response was. "Okay."

Though to Jeff Abed's demeanor seemed largely unchanged, Troy sagged with relief. "I'm really glad we worked that out, buddy."

"Me too," Abed said. "Now, are we all ready to play? Jeff? Shirley? Britta? Annie?"

Annie snapped to attention at the sound of her name. "What? Yes."

"Ready when you are," Jeff assured Abed.

"Oh yes," Shirley said. "I've been looking forward to this all week."

"And Britta!" said Britta. "I'm ready, I mean."

In actual fact Britta was not ready and needed to be brought up to speed, as she had missed the previous session. But that took only a couple of minutes and soon Carmen, Fej, Miriel, Ector, and Crumples were back in the fictive world, making their imaginary way to the made-up pretend city.

**annie**

And I'm done, yay!

**(2 Cheers: JWinger, annie)**

**JWinger**

Just in time

**(2 Thumbs-up: annie, JWinger)**

Actually I think you missed Abed reconciling with his and/or Troy's girlfriend

**(1 Sad: annie)**

**annie**

12:00 filing deadline waits for no one

The party was led into the hills by Aranck, the tortle widower Miriel had, apparently, seduced. Shirley and Abed seemed to have worked something out between sessions, as she was unsurprised by his abbreviated role-play as her besotted groupie.

It wasn't far and Flaxen Corners was available to resupply, so the group decided against foraging as they went. They made pretty good time, right until the rough trail they were following led into a box canyon and Abed asked everyone to roll Perception.

The ambush that followed was surprisingly involved. The serpent folk of Casablanca had the bodies of humans from the waist up but were serpentine below, and came in several flavors: big hulking musclebound lunks with short spears, long-limbed snipers armed with laser rifles for some reason, and the most troublesome foe, serpent-people with razor knives and cloaking devices who turned invisible and struck from hiding. Jeff tried to conserve his spells, for whatever awaited them in the ruins, and he could tell Troy and Shirley had done the same calculus. Britta was conserving her spells too, but Jeff was pretty sure that was mostly because Britta didn't realize (as Annie had quickly figured out—God, Annie was so smart, and pretty too) that bardic magic was her strongest combat capability.

Afterwards, the group took a short rest and Crumples played the  _ song of rest  _ once prodded, which allowed everybody to get their hit points back up without expending more of Fej or Ector's healing spells. Most of the serpentfolk had been incapacitated nonlethally, the major exceptions being the ones who tried to wrestle Carmen over the lip of an unexpected chasm and went over themselves instead, so it was simple enough to question a prisoner.

Or would have been, if any of them had spoken the secret language of the serpent-people.

"Just to double-check, nobody has Ophidian under languages?" Troy asked for the second time. "It's got a PH in it, if that's throwing you."

"I know I don't," Shirley said. "Hold on a second, I hear someone calling my name." She rose and stepped away from the webcam.

"Nobody does," Annie grumbled. "Isn't there some magic workaround?"

"There is the first-level spell  _ comprehend languages, _ which would allow the caster to understand the serpent-woman," Abed said. "If any of you had taken it, which you didn't."

Britta was scanning her character sheet. "I have a bunch of spells I never use, can I trade out… uh,  _ Tasha's hideous laughter  _ for it?"

"Don't!" Annie cried, as several people winced.

"Huh?" Britta looked up.

"It's a good combat spell," Annie said slowly. She was clearly reluctant to tell Britta how to play her character. "If you want to make somebody stop what they're doing and fall over laughing."

"You'll want it," Jeff cut in, "when we fight the Beagle Boys or whoever."

Abed quietly sighed and muttered something about there not being any Beagle Boys.

"I will?" Britta wrinkled her nose and squinted at something on her screen. "I figured I just used it in my circus act. But okay, I guess. What about the snake woman, though?"

"Just one thing left to try," said Jeff. "I think it turns out we're just leaving her here and proceeding into the ruins. Tied up, she can't do anything to us, and she won't die of exposure, because some of her friends will wake up with headaches and one hit point each tomorrow morning after we're long gone."

"Seems kind of cruel to just abandon her here because she doesn't speak Common," Troy said.

" 'Well, she was trying to kill us an hour ago,' " Jeff pointed out. " 'I don't think she deserves healing magic and a hot drink. If a panther or something comes along and eats her between now and tomorrow morning, I won't feel bad.' Fej makes sure he's saying all this where the snake woman can hear him."

Annie lit up. "Ooh! That's good. You should roll Deception. Can I assist? Carmen assists. 'This reminds me of a story my grandmother used to tell me about how she used to have a rival for my grandfather, and somebody ended up tied to a tree overnight in the ice forest.' It sounds better when Carmen says it."

"All right. Roll Deception," Abed said.

With an extra plus two from Carmen's assist, Jeff got a result of twenty-three, which seemed pretty good. Abed rolled some dice, and for a moment Jeff and Annie were exchanging excited glances, hoping the gambit had worked, that the serpent woman  _ did  _ speak Common and had just been feigning ignorance, that she didn't like what she was hearing and would now negotiate… 

" 'You don't need to leave me tied up. What, you think I'm going to follow you and attack you? You broke my laser gun and I feel like my whole body is one big bruise.' She's willing to tell you whatever you want to hear, if you'll untie her," said Abed.

Shirley was just sitting back down. "Oh, good. That sounds promising. Míriel can good-cop her."

In the interests of having enough time to run another combat that night, Abed summarized the testimony of the snake woman, whose name it turned out was Amberleigh.

**annie**

Well we can't kill her now, she has a name

**JWinger**

She had a name before, we just didn't know it

**(1 Tongue-stuck-out: annie)**

You've got to believe in the reality of the fictional world

**(1 Tongue-stuck-out: JWinger)**

Amberleigh explained that she and her tribe had moved into the empty city two generations back, and their numbers in that time had swelled from a dozen to about a hundred serpent-folk. Some weeks ago, a mysterious and powerful dark witch had come to the Lost City of Casablanca, demanded the fealty of the serpent-people who dwelled there, and started executing priests until the priests declared her an agent of their god. Now the witch was ensconced in the holy ziggurat at the center of the city, where her eldritch rituals were even now (as Amberleigh spoke) riving a hole in the ancient wards that separated the material world from the lands of Faerie and the land of wind and ghosts.

Whether by luck or the favor of the witch's dark goddess, Amberleigh didn't know, but somehow the necessary sacrifices for the witch's ritual delivered themselves to Casablanca just as the witch needed them. There had been a whole passel of foreigners attempting to penetrate into the city, each matching one of the required sacrifices; under the witch's orders, the serpent-folk had surrounded and captured them. Then the witch threw them into the maw she had opened, sacrifices for her goddess, one each day at noon. First were the triad, the three-in-one. Amberleigh had been in the crowd at the base of the ziggurat, had watched and chanted as the three young Ducks were fed into the swirling glittery maw and three bleak riders emerged. Second was the aviatrix: her sacrifice had conjured forth a huge flying monster. Next would be the lovers, then the greedy old man, and finally the orphan and her guardian. As far as Amberleigh knew, the lovers would be sacrificed later that same day.

"So this witch captured Scrooge and—sorry, captured Old Tavish and his entourage, and she's throwing them into a magic pit and getting fey monsters out?" Annie asked. "Am I getting that right?"

Abed nodded. "The triplets and their mother, the pilot, have already gone into the maw. The triplets' uncle and his girlfriend are going to be sacrificed next."

"She says sacrifice?" Shirley asked. "Are they getting killed? Surely they're not getting killed."

"Sacrifice usually means killed," Britta said. "Nephews are donezo, it sounds like."

"I'm sure that can't be right," Shirley insisted. "Abed wouldn't kill off Huey, Dewey, and Louie off-screen. We haven't even met them!"

"They are not Huey, Dewey, and Louie," Abed said. "They are…" he checked his notes, and sighed. "Fish, Gish, and Hish."

"Kind of a lateral move," muttered Britta.

"Their mother is Cora, their uncle is Caldwell, and their uncle's girlfriend is…" Abed rechecked his notes. "Okay, their uncle's girlfriend is Daisy. Also, it was you guys who decided to forage as you went from Tarksas into the Brown Hills, knowing that it meant you traveled at half speed. You would have gotten to Casablanca almost a week ago if you'd supplied properly before leaving town."

There was an awkward silence as everyone mulled this over.

"Okay, that's fair. Do you have a name for the witch?" Troy asked.

Abed stared into space for a few seconds before answering. "You can just call her Magica deSpell."

Troy looked hurt. "Aw, man…"

"Abed," Annie said quickly, "let me take this moment to say I'm really enjoying this game, and I think I speak for everybody, and we all appreciate the work you've done—"

"Absolutely," Jeff interjected.

Annie continued as if he hadn't spoken. "And if you want us to call her something else we will call her something else, right, everybody?"

"Absolutely," Jeff said again, over a murmur of agreement from Britta and Shirley.

"She does not need to be named Magica deSpell, she can have some other name. We aren't going to bully you into naming her Magica deSpell," Annie assured him.

"She can be Magica deSpell," Abed said heavily. "All the ducks can just be the  _ Duck Tales  _ ducks. It's okay. The sacrifice isn't killing them, it's sending them into the primal chaos of the Feywild. The maw she's talking about is a portal to the other world. I'm bad with names, people are having fun, and even though I'm in a mansion with loved ones and financial security I'm still more stressed about the world situation right now than I've ever been in my life. I picked a fight with Ashley this afternoon. I'm lucky she understands. We're all trying to hold on, for one another's sakes. It gets hard sometimes. I was going to name the witch Margaret Thrasher, after both the late British Prime Minister and the roller derby player who was one of the actors on  _ Mr. Robot  _ . Seen from an objective distance, I recognize that it will make everybody happier if her name is Magica deSpell. The character is basically Magica deSpell. Yes, Britta?"

Britta lowered the hand she had raised. "I don't know who Magica the Spell is."

"She's an evil witch played by Sophia Loren in her prime," Abed said. "If Sophia Loren were a duck."

"Okay." Britta nodded. "Second question. I don't know who Sophia Lauren is."

"Sophia  _ Loren  _ was a famous midcentury Italian actress," Abed said.

"Thanks." Britta nodded again. "What do you mean by 'midcentury'?"

"The era of history bookended by World War II at one end and either JFK's assassination or Watergate at the other," Abed said. "Depending on who you ask."

"Great, last question, when you say Watergate—I'm kidding! I'm kidding!" Britta's eyes widened slightly and her mouth hung open in shock. "You guys! I know what Watergate was! And I could guess what 'midcentury' means! I was making a joke!"

No one laughed.

"Oh, Britta," said Abed. "I've missed you."


	11. Everything you do is cool and sexy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case I don't say it enough, I really appreciate all comments and kudos. The only reason I don't respond "thanks!" to every comment is that I would feel weird about it.
> 
> Also, thanks to Bethany Actually and Amrywiol, as per usual, sometimes I forget to mention it but I appreciate their beta-reading, too.

They finally moved on into the ruined city a few minutes later. Abed revealed that Aranack, unarmed and unarmored, had spent the combat hiding behind Ector. Jeff had forgotten they'd even had an NPC guide until Abed announced that the tortle widower would go no further, lust for Shirley's character or no.

Shirley shrugged. "Eh, that's fine. Míriel favors Aranack with an opportunity to kiss her hand as she bids him farewell."

Abed called for plenty of Perception checks as they penetrated into the city center, but said only that there were fleeting shadows in the windows of some of the ruined buildings, watching the party from a discreet distance. Jeff could almost feel the eyes on them.

"Can we see the ziggurat yet?" Jeff asked.

"It comes into view as you traverse a gentle bend in what was once the main thoroughfare of the city of Casablanca. Coming around the corner you can see a huge plaza, the size of two football fields, and behind that, the huge ziggurat. The main entrance to the ziggurat appears to be about halfway up the side, accessible by a large staircase. The plaza is scattered with rubble and broken fountains."

"Any serpent-people in view?" Annie asked.

Abed rolled a die, then shook his head no. "They may be cowering from the eerie green lightning discharges coming off the top of the pyramid, or the gold-green clouds collecting directly above it."

"There's green lightning?" Troy sounded disconcerted. "Seems like a bad color for lightning."

Annie chewed her lip in a manner Jeff found oddly affecting. "On the one hand, Amberleigh's story made it sound like there's some amount of dissent among the serpent-people for this whole 'serve Magica' thing they're doing. We could find some and Miriel could make a bargain—"

"But we don't know how long we have to save Donald and Daisy," Jeff finished for her. "It might be an every-second-counts situation."

Annie nodded, and there was a brief silence while everybody mulled this over.

Abed consulted his notes. "Britta, roll Arcana."

"What?" Britta startled; evidently she hadn't expected to be called on. "Arcana? I don't even know…" She was shaking her head slightly as she rolled a die. "Uh, eighteen? Or, no, nineteen. Nineteen."

"Britta?" Shirley sounded both sweet and a little threatening.

"I'm not cheating, guys!" Britta protested. "I'm just bad at adding small numbers. I rolled a fourteen, plus Crumples's Intelligence bonus of three, plus one for being a bard, plus another one for being trained in Arcana. If I was cheating I would just say, like, thirty, and then you would be like, that's not possible even if you rolled a twenty on the die, and I would be like, yeah, I cheated, and anyway can we just move on?"

"Crumples has been paying close attention," Abed announced. "Based on the travel time from Casablanca to Flaxen Corners on horseback, and the time the tortles said that the three riders attacked, and the travel time from Casablanca to Flaxen Corners for a flying vine dragon, and the fact that Amberleigh said the sacrifices happened at noon and it's only about ten, she deduces that you have a couple of hours before Donald and Daisy are due to be thrown into the Feywild."

Britta looked oddly triumphant. "Ha!" she said to no one in particular.

Troy clapped his hands together. "Okay, let's move on this find-some-serpent-people-and-recruit-them plan."

"Recruit slash seduce," Shirley mused.

"This is a side of you I don't remember from college," Jeff told her. "I mean, I'm not complaining, I'm just surprised."

Shirley shrugged. "Back in college you were always intimidated by my sexuality, is how I remember it."

"That does ring a bell…" Jeff nodded politely.

"Let me have my fun," she said.

**annie**

Yeah Jeff let her have her fun!

**(1 Smirking-face: annie)**

You know she tried to get me into 50 Shades junior year? So she would have someone to talk to about it, b/c her sister was v cold on the whole thing

**(1 Neutral-face: JWinger)**

"Great," Jeff said, resolutely refusing to visualize any aspect of the scenario Annie had just outlined. "Should we split up to search, or just everybody move into one of the buildings?"

"We'll need to stick together," Annie said. "I don't know about everybody else but Carmen conducts her diplomacy in the language of the blade."

Troy nodded. "Or we go out into the plaza and shout, maybe they come to us?"

Jeff and Annie made matching noises of noncommittal doubt.

"I don't think we want the entire city to converge on us, Annie said.

Jeff was nodding. "Going house to house, we'll probably pick up a few strays, which is all we want anyway. More than that would get really cumbersome and alert Magica we're coming."

And so the party of Carmen, Fej, Miriel, Ector, and Crumples declined to advance into the grand plaza of Casablanca. Instead they threaded their way around, investigating each half-ruined building facing the plaza, slowly moving towards the ziggurat.

"In the eighth house," Abed said. He stopped, rolled some dice, and checked the results against a chart before continuing. "You encounter… nine serpentfolk."

"Míriel approaches them immediately, arms outstretched," Shirley said. "She explains that she has come with peace in her heart for the people of Casablanca, however serpentine they may be. She's here to defeat the evil witch Magica deSpell who has suborned Casablanca's proud people."

"Roll Deception," Abed said.

"I'm being truthful!" Shirley objected.

"Roll Persuasion, then," Abed said.

Shirley's pleased smile faded when she saw the number on the die. "With Míriel's plus five to Persuasion, that's… seven."

Everyone gasped or winced.

"The serpent-people might be more willing to believe Shirley if half of you weren't covered in blood from when you fought those serpent-people on your way into the city," Abed said. "Roll initiative."

"Oh, I  _ definitely  _ magicked all the blood off," Shirley grumbled.

"Off yourself, sure, but off Carmen and Ector?" Abed asked her. "It turns out you didn't, because you rolled so badly."

"Stupid dice! I'll magick your ass!" Shirley growled. Then she closed her eyes and took a breath. "I'm sorry, that wasn't proportionate to the provocation. I'm tired and I'm under a lot of stress."

"We all are," Annie said quickly.

"Do you have a spell to help?" Britta suggested. "Crumples can  _ charm  _ one of them, maybe."

Shirley was shaking her head. "All my enchantments only affect one target, not nine."

Jeff scanned his own spell list.  _ "Zone of truth," _ he said.

Everyone looked his way. "What?" 

"Fej can cast  _ zone of truth  _ and then Miriel can explain that we're here to help," Jeff said. "They'll have to believe her, because…  _ zone of truth. _ No lying in a  _ zone of truth." _

Everyone shifted their attention to Abed, who was mulling this over. "Make a Persuasion check against a difficulty of fifteen to get them to agree to let you cast the spell and listen," he said, "and if you make that, another Persuasion check against the same difficulty to persuade them."

_ "Guidance!" _ Annie said suddenly. "Fej can cast  _ guidance  _ on Miriel," she explained. She seemed a little flustered.

**annie**

I know, Carmen gets jealous when you cast it on anyone else, but…

**(1 Blush-face: annie)**

"Jeff, quit smiling like that, you look weird," said Britta.

Annie shifted positions and tried not to look guilty.

_ "Guidance, _ right. Fej casts  _ guidance  _ both times," Jeff said, failing to repress a grin and frankly not trying very hard. "Extra d6 bonus on the two checks."

"There might not be a second check," Abed warned.

Shirley rolled dice. "Five plus four plus five is fourteen." She rolled again. "Three plus six plus five is fourteen…" She was still rolling. "There we are," she said brightly. "Twelve, plus one on the die from  _ guidance, _ plus five for Persuasion, makes eighteen."

"Yeah, but—" Britta began.

"Eighteen," Shirley repeated firmly. "As far as any of you know, I rolled an eighteen first try and then I said some other numbers and rolled some more dice, just for fun."

"Eighteen," Britta agreed weakly.

"Just let us have this, please Abed?" Annie simpered at the webcam a little—it was an eerie experience for Jeff, like she was almost making eyes at him but not quite making the eyes and not quite at him.

Abed shrugged. "Sure. But this is the last time Shirley gets to play the this-game-is-my-only-relief-from-constant-stress card. Make that second roll, Shirley."

Jeff watched Annie un-simper and lean back, satisfied, while Shirley rolled dice again. "Oh! Eight, plus two, plus five is fifteen exactly!"

"So what exactly is Miriel's pitch?" Troy asked.

"It's simple," Shirley said. "We want to get to the ziggurat and attack Magica, without any of the serpentfolk interfering. If they wanted to help in the fight that would be nice, but mostly we just don't want them fighting on her side."

"The Casablancans are willing to work with you," Abed said. "But for a fifteen they won't join your fight."

"That's fine." Shirley was checking something on her character sheet. "I'm pushing my luck as it is." 

"Amberleigh and her people are willing to escort you to the ziggurat entrance, and act as a barricade to warn away any of the Casablancans who try to go in after you."

"Wait, this is Amberleigh again?" Annie asked.

"Amberleigh will send runners to other block captains, Amberleigh and Amberleigh, to spread the word. I only came up with one name for the serpentfolk. Everybody in the city is named Amberleigh," Abed explained. 

"That sounds like a good system," Troy declared. "I like it."

Whether by contrivance or not, the player-characters reached the central chamber of the ziggurat just as Magica's hench-people (serpentfolk who had sold out their tribe for power, Amberleigh told them) were using a big winch and crane to lower Donald and Daisy into a big green swirl of energy at the bottom of a hole. Magica herself stood on a dais, watching and cackling with glee.

"Do I need to describe that more?" Abed asked.

"I feel like we get it," Troy said. "Where are Scrooge, Webby, and Beasley?"

"Tied up in a far corner," Abed said. "They've got a lot of rope on them, like they've escaped their bonds several times already and been recaptured and re-secured. Near them there's a huge pile of loose treasure, the loot of Casablanca. Roll initiative."

Combat followed, as it usually did after initiative was rolled. At first the serpentfolk minions used their actions to operate the crane, rather than attack. Miriel tried  _ webbing  _ them to gum up the machine but it proved ineffective due to some unlucky die rolls, and meanwhile Magica distracted the party with phantoms and peppered them with magic lightning.

Before Carmen managed to carve up all of the traitorous serpentfolk crane-operators, they completed the sacrifice. Donald and Daisy fell into the Feywild, cuffed together and gagged with ball gags (a detail that made Troy shuffle nervously). On the next round a pair of fey flew up and out of the hole. They were apparently the same sort of fairy as the riders—naked, green, antlered—but instead of using bows and swords they hovered near the chamber's high ceiling and threw balls of the same green fire that wreathed them and danced across their naked forms.

**JWinger**

This is our horniest D&D fight yet which is saying something

**(1 Agree: annie)**

**annie**

The very first fight had catgirls writhing in magic bondage so it's not like we didn't know what we signed up for

**(2 Nervous-smile: JWinger, annie)**

And you know every time Carmen hits she has to look over to see if Fej saw her do something cool and sexy

**JWinger**

Everything you do is cool and sexy

**(2 Heart: annie, JWinger)**

**annie**

You know that and I know that and Fej knows that but Carmen has insecurities just like anyone else

**(1 Heart-eyes: JWinger)**

The players cursed their lack of ranged combat options, not for the first time, as the battle did not go well for their side. The serpentfolk were defeated easily enough, but the flying fey warlocks were not soft targets. At Annie's suggestion Crumples tried  _ Tasha's hideous laughter  _ and one of the warlocks fell to the floor in paroxysms of hysteria, but the other resisted and then everybody was out of spells.

"Round nine," Abed announced. "Top of the initiative order is Carmen."

Annie sighed. This had gradually turned into an ugly slog, with no end in sight. "Ugh. Where are Magica and I relative to the maw?"

Abed screen-shared a simple diagram. "You're here and she's here, next to you. You're on a ledge that runs the length of that end of the chamber, twenty feet wide. The maw fills the middle of the room. The warlock that Ector is hacking at is over here, by Ector and Miriel, and the one he isn't hacking at is still hovering up by the ceiling. Fej is here, and Crumples is here." Abed indicated spaces in the room with his mouse pointer.

"How's Magica looking?" Annie asked. "Have I cracked that shell?"

"No." Abed shook his head. "You've dealt fifty-four damage to her, of which she has taken nine. The rest is getting absorbed by the green energy field surrounding and protecting her."

"Okay. I'm not really hurting her, and meanwhile I'm down to twelve hit points." Annie tried to think. "She's resistant to physical damage, we don't have any of those laser guns…"

"Dang it," grumbled Troy. "We shoulda asked Amberleigh for some of those."

"You should have," Abed agreed.

"Hindsight is twenty-twenty," Jeff declared. "Is there a fire we burn her with? Lava we can shove her into?"

"No, we—oh! Oh!" Annie felt herself grinning like an idiot. "I pick her up and throw her into the maw!"

**JWinger**

Brilliant!

**(1 Kissy-face: annie)**

Abed had immediately grabbed his copy of the  _ Player's Handbook  _ and was reviewing the rules for grappling. "Okay, you can try to do that. It's an Athletics check opposed by Magica's Athletics—"

"Which is not going to be high, because she's a witch not a weightlifter!" Shirley literally clapped her hands in excitement.

Annie was looking at her own copy of the  _ Player's Handbook. _ "I think… yeah, what I actually want to do is a shove. How many times do I need to shove her five feet, to get her to go over the ledge and into the maw?"

Abed checked something "Three," he said.

"Okay," Jeff said, "we can do that."

Annie nodded. "First I shove her with my normal attack action. I'm in frenzy and this is a Strength check, so I'm rolling twice and taking the better result and then adding five to it…"

"It's almost like this plan plays to your strengths," Jeff muttered.

"Carmen gets a sixteen," Annie announced.

Abed blinked. "That beats Magica's three. You shove her one third of the way to the ledge."

"And then Carmen steps five feet forward after her and I take my extra frenzy attack to do it again! Nineteen!"

"Nineteen beats eight," said Abed.

"So I step in on her again, and I'm out of actions, but Fej is next in the order."

"And Fej tells her to do it again," Jeff supplied. 

"Which she does, twenty."

"Twenty beats Magica's nine. You knock her over the ledge and into the maw."

Everybody cheered, Annie included.

"Great," Jeff said. "One problem down."

"Not so fast." Abed was shaking his head. "Magica, while falling, utters an ancient syllable and her fall speed slows dramatically. Having cast  _ feather fall, _ she has time to cast  _ temblor  _ on Carmen. Carmen, make a Dexterity saving throw."

Annie was unfamiliar with  _ temblor. _ "I'm guessing a four doesn't save."

"The ground shakes under Carmen and she loses her balance," Abed said. "You take six damage, halved to three, but then you fall off the ledge yourself. You land on Magica and for a brief moment you're sitting on her. Then her  _ feather fall  _ fails due to your added weight, and you both fall into the maw. Shirley, you're up."

"Wait," Jeff said. "I still have… I haven't moved, it's still my turn. I jump into the maw."

There was a general chorus of confusion.

**annie**

Did Fej just decide he doesn't want to live any more if Carmen is dead?

**(1 Heart-eyes: annie)**

**JWinger**

You're not dead, you just went to the Feywild.

**annie**

Did you just decide you don't want to be on the Prime Material Plane if I'm in the Feywild?

**(1 Heart-eyes: annie)**

**JWinger**

I would follow you anywhere, go anywhere for you

"Okay," Abed was saying. He'd said something else Annie had missed. "Carmen and Fej are both out of the game for the rest of the session at least. It's Shirley's action."

"Míriel is stuck trying to throw bugs at the warlock, I guess," Shirley said.

Abed rolled some dice. "Actually, Miriel needs to make a Dexterity saving throw or fall over. The whole ziggurat is shaking."

Shirley rolled and failed, so Miriel fell over and had to spend some of her turn standing back up again. The same thing happened to Ector and to Crumples.

"Wait, what's happening?" Britta asked, on her initiative.

"Carmen and Fej went into the maw," said Troy, "after Magica."

Britta wrinkled her nose. "Sorry, I guess I tuned out for a minute. Magica's running?"

"No, she set off this earthquake just as we threw her in," Shirley groused, irritated at having to explain anything to someone who'd been right there the whole time.

"The quake is still the  _ temblor  _ spell?" Annie asked. That didn't sound right.

"Regardless, the ziggurat is collapsing. I repeat, the ziggurat is collapsing," Abed announced, as though this were third notice of closing time at a bar. 

"You don't have to jump into the maw but you can't stay here?" Annie suggested. 

"Listen, you know I love you guys, but that's not a suicide pact," Troy said. "I think we run for the exit, every man for himself."

"Seems prudent," said Shirley. "Míriel can establish herself as the grand vizier of Casablanca or something while we figure out how to extract everyone from the Feywild."

"I don't understand what's happening," Britta said, "but I guess we're running?"

However, it was not to be. The floor shook and by the end of the next round Miriel and Ector had followed Carmen and Fej into the Feywild.

"One more quake and the three prisoners slide in, still bound hand and foot," Abed said. "Britta?"

She blinked in confusion. "We had three prisoners? How much did I miss?" 

"Scrooge and the others," Annie explained.

"Okay, so, Crumples is… am I alone, now?" Britta asked.

"Not quite," Abed said. "One of the warlocks is still floating in the air out of reach. She doesn't seem at all concerned by the collapsing building. She just zapped you for six damage, remember?"

"Oh, right." Britta looked at her character sheet. "Okay. I guess I'm jumping into the maw, too. I mean, I'm down to three hit points and everybody else is gone," she said uncertainly.

"Under the circumstances a prudent choice," declared Abed.

Bolstered by this endorsement, Britta visibly relaxed a little. "Crumples tosses off one last comment about the warlock's fashion choices, and cartwheels into the maw."

"Great." Abed clapped his hands together before anyone else could comment. "Crumples passes out of this world and into another. The portal collapses, winking out and trapping the last warlock on this plane. She flies away through the hole in the ceiling."

Annie was ninety percent sure Abed had never mentioned a hole in the ceiling.

"Seconds later, Gladstone Gander leads a small army of a few dozen serpentfolk into the chamber, to confront Magica and claim the treasures of Casablanca. Magica is gone, but the treasures remain."

"Is he at least crushed when the ziggurat collapsed?" Shirley asked hopefully.

Abed shook his head. "The ziggurat stops collapsing as soon as the portal closes. Camera holds on Gladstone rifling through the treasure pile and finding a big magic sword like Carmen's but noticeably better, then we iris out. End of session."


	12. Annie. Annie's cleavage. Annie's cleavage in 2012

Day 28 (Friday)

**GM Abed Nadir**

The good news is that everybody levels up. You can go ahead and apply the effects of an overnight rest, too. At 4th level everyone gets your choice of a feat or +2 to the ability score of your choice.

**(4 Thumbs-up: TroyBarnes, annie, ShirleyB, Britta)**

**annie**

I know feats look cool, everybody, but +2 to your main ability score is better.

I have been studying up on this stuff! Just today I found out I could have been making Reckless attacks this whole time!

**(1 Nerd: JWinger)**

**JWinger**

Feats look so cool though!

**(1 Roll-eyes: annie)**

Sharpshooter! Great Weapon Master! Sex Bomb!

**(1 Sunglasses: JWinger)**

**TroyBarnes**

I want to hear more about Sex Bomb

**annie**

There is not a Sex Bomb feat

**@JWinger** see this is what happens

**(1 Tongue-stuck-out: annie)**

**JWinger**

**@annie** You mean that's a barbarian class feature?

**(2 Yum: JWinger, annie)**

**(4 Roll-eyes: Britta, ShirleyB, TroyBarnes, GM Abed Nadir)**

**(4 Nauseated: Britta, ShirleyB, TroyBarnes, GM Abed Nadir)**

**Britta**

Jeez u 2 get a room

**(4 Praying-hands: ShirleyB, TroyBarnes, GM Abed Nadir, Britta)**

**ShirleyB**

In a more positive development, Elijah's symptoms are finally gone, we think. Brian is still sequestered but in theory nobody's contagious.

**(3 Relieved: annie, JWinger, TroyBarnes)**

**(1 Smile-with-three-hearts: ShirleyB)**

**Britta**

Ben esp could b asymptomatic

**(1 Mask: Britta)**

**ShirleyB**

Well we're not inviting the neighbors over for a marshmallow roast just yet

**(1 Smile-with-three-hearts: ShirleyB)**

**Britta**

Frankie just told me 2 tell everybody she says hi

Also 2 thank Shirley for me

**(1 Angel: ShirleyB)**

**annie**

Hi Frankie!

**(2 Wave: annie, Britta)**

**GM Abed Nadir**

The next scheduled game session will be Thursday, April 16th, at 5:00 PST.

**(4 Thumbs-up: TroyBarnes, JWinger, Britta, ShirleyB)**

**annie**

Actually could we reschedule to Wednesday? Or Friday. Thursday night is Passover & I'm going to try to stream Seder with my brother and his girlfriend and her parents.

**GM Abed Nadir**

The next scheduled game session will be Wednesday, April 15th, at 5:00 PST.

**(5 Thumbs-up: annie, JWinger, ShirleyB, Britta, TroyBarnes)**

**ShirleyB**

**@annie** it's very sweet that you're reaching out to your brother in these times!

**(1 Angel: ShirleyB)**

I assume he is also Jewish?

**annie**

**@ShirleyB** Yes

**(1 Thoughtful-face: annie)**

**ShirleyB**

**@annie** That's nice. I didn't want to assume.

**(1 Angel: ShirleyB)**

Day 29 (Saturday)

"Hello Jeff. Welcome to my home. Please, make yourself comfortable. You're actually the first guest we've had since the lockdown began. As you can see, we're actually in the game room." Abed gestured around him, then pointed at something offscreen.

"Hold on," Jeff said. "This thing turns really… slowly…"

He was remote-operating a telepresence drone, not unlike the ones used in Greendale's ill-advised attempt at carceral reform. Through the drone's mounted wide-angle lens he could see about half of the room, but not the half Abed was pointing at.

"Do you have it in the right gear?" Abed asked.

"Gear?" Jeff repeated doubtfully. "This thing has a gearshift?"

"Did you not watch the tutorial on YouTube I sent you?"

"It's three and a half hours long with monetization breaks every three minutes, so, no. Did you watch it?"

"I had it on in the background. Try hitting G, it should cycle through the speed options."

Jeff did so, still holding down the E key, which was mapped to "turn clockwise" for whatever reason. Then the view on the screen abruptly changed, and he was looking at carpet.

"And you've fallen over." Jeff could hear Abed moving, and then suddenly the view was righted again. "Maybe come to a complete stop first next time."

"Abed, I appreciate the trouble you guys went to, getting the robot and hooking it up, and… whatever other stuff you had to do," Jeff said. "Listening to the interminable tutorial video. But maybe I should just stay inside your desktop?"

phone, actually." Abed did something and then he was seeing through a different webcam, doubtless Abed's phone.

"Free me from my tiny rectangular prison and I'll just wreak havoc. Knock over your vases. Run over your cat. Accidentally roll in on your girlfriend as she's stepping out of the shower…"

"We don't have vases or a cat and Ashley knows to lock the bathroom door when she doesn't want company."

Jeff blinked. "Meaning sometimes she does?"

"A gentleman never asks, and a lady never tells, Jeff." Abed's expression didn't change.

Jeff sighed. "Abed, I'm just going to ask, because as we both know I am not a gentleman. I don't know, Annie doesn't know, Britta and Shirley don't know, and they're all too polite or too circumspect or afraid of awkwardness to ask, but are you and Ashley also a couple? In addition to Ashley and Troy being a couple?"

Abed hummed. "Am I part of a triad, or am I extremely close friends with a couple."

"Yes. Either answer is fine, it's 2020 and you live in Hollywood, nobody's going to judge. Shirley, maybe, a little, but she's fine."

"Shirley is fine, yeah." Abed was nodding thoughtfully. From the background, and the way it swung behind him, Jeff was pretty sure he—Abed's phone was being carried down a hallway.

"Well?" Jeff asked, after Abed failed to render up an answer.

"Britta did ask, actually. Yesterday at our scheduled call."

Jeff had been a little on edge all day, and he was starting to get irritated. He and Annie had planned to do a morning workout together, and determine once and for all who could and couldn't do pull-ups, but Mark had unloaded a pile of work on him at the last minute—on a Saturday, no less—and he'd had to beg off. Now instead of calling up Annie he was calling up Abed, because that was in Annie's damn phone tree schedule. "You're saying 'actually' a lot," he said.

"Am I?" Abed looked pensive. "I hadn't noticed, actually."

"Now I think you're doing it on purpose. Is this a bit?"

"Actually, I'm deflecting, Jeff. Now you've forgotten what we were talking about before, you're so distracted by my choice of words. Annie. Annie's cleavage. Annie's cleavage in 2012."

"What?"

"Annie's butt. Annie's eyes and hair. Annie looking at you that way she used to."

Jeff sighed. "Abed, if you don't want to answer the question, you don't have to. But you know," he said, "not answering is itself a form of answering."

"Britta said the same thing," Abed said. "I'm just messing with you. We never intended to hide anything from you guys, but then we realized that none of you were sure what the situation was, and it just seemed like too good an opportunity for hijinks. Did you see the fake Instagram?"

"I haven't been on Instagram in months," Jeff said.

"The fake Facebook?"

"I haven't been on Facebook in years."

"The Twitter feed?"

Jeff snorted. "Do I seem like someone who hasn't quit Twitter?"

Abed nodded. "There is a reason they call it 'the bad website'," he said. "Ashley will be disappointed it was all for nothing, though. Troy, too. If I send you the links will you pass them on to the others? And then act outraged, as though as far as you know it's our entirely legitimate social media presence and yet nowhere in all of it can you find a clear and unambiguous piece of evidence to prove or disprove the question of whether Ashley and I are as involved as Ashley and Troy?"

"Sure, why not?" Jeff shook his head tiredly. "Although if Ashley was involved in a fake Instagram account where the three of you were in a series of implicating but indeterminate situations, and contributed creatively to the process…frankly, whether or not you're technically sleeping with her seems beside the point. She's obviously dating both of you."

"I'll tell her you said that. She'll think it's funny."

Jeff was rubbing his temples by this point. "Can we talk about something else? The D&D game. We're all having a good time."

"I'm glad." Abed didn't miss a beat. "I've made an effort to accommodate players' preferences and desires. Ignoring Shirley blatantly cheating, letting the witch be Magica deSpell, that sort of thing. If it makes people happy, it's fine."

"Is that why you haven't busted me for giving Annie too many extra attacks?" Jeff asked. "I'm well aware we've been violating the letter of the rules. I am a lawyer, after all."

"I told Troy, Troy told Annie, Annie told you," Abed declared.

Jeff shrugged in a 'yeah, you got me' sort of way. "If you had brought it up I was planning to convince you that due to stress from the pandemic I need a special cantrip that does nothing except allow me to use Voice of Authority on Carmen as much as we want.  _ Direct Carmen, _ or  _ command Carmen.  _ I don't know what I'd call it.  _ Dominate Carmen  _ has a certain ring to it."

"What you and Annie get up to on your own time, or in your own private Discord channel, that's your business," Abed said, in the same flat tone he used for almost everything.

Jeff's eyes narrowed. "You can't see the private Discord messages, can you?"

Abed shook his head no. "I just use Occam's Razor. You two have obviously reconnected. You were both distracted during the game on Thursday. Time will tell whether you'll somehow ride out the pandemic and start a long-distance relationship. Or perhaps you'll abruptly relocate from Colorado to Florida, work remotely, and quarantine at her house."

"It's a three-day drive and all the motels are closed," Jeff retorted. "Unlikely. I'd have to sleep in my car in Tulsa and again in Birmingham, Alabama."

"That you know that off the top of your head strongly suggests you've researched or at least fantasized about it," Abed pointed out.

"I need to stop admitting I know things off the top of my head," Jeff grumbled to himself.

"People change. You're allowed to change. You're allowed to have changed. Annie is allowed to have changed. Maybe the people you were at Greendale had too many things standing in their way, real or imagined. Maybe those things aren't there any more."

"Maybe they've been replaced by a three-day drive and the coronavirus."

"You could fly," Abed said. "Denver and Orlando are both transit hubs. Even with air travel almost halted there's still got to be five or more daily flights back and forth."

Jeff opened his mouth, ready to opine about how quarantining guidelines meant that if he were to go, he would need to go for weeks, not a weekend, and what he would need from his apartment if he were rehousing himself at Annie's, and how it was more than could be readily carried in his travel suitcase, and he'd need his car anyway, eventually, and then he remembered what he'd just said about knowing things off the top of his head, and closed his mouth again. He grunted noncommittally.

"Good things are allowed to happen to you," Abed said.

"You sound like my therapist, you know that?" Jeff sighed. "I know that right before you moved away I was in kind of a bad place, but I've heroically learned to practice better self-care and focus on positive outcomes. Avoid bad patterns. Et cetera."

"Now who sounds like your therapist?" Abed waggled his eyebrows. "I'm joking because that's good to hear and I don't want this conversation to get too heavy."

"Artfully changing the subject, I'm starved for company, so if you want to talk to me about the new  _ Star Wars  _ movies or whether  _ Star Trek Discovery  _ is a good show or not, now's your chance."

Abed's right eye twitched. "I have Troy and Ashley to talk to about those things, as you know. So if you're bringing them up it must be because you want to discuss them. Let's start with  _ Force Awakens  _ . Are we really supposed to just accept that Rey was fluent in the language of the Wookiees? Princess Leia in  _ New Hope  _ wasn't and she had a classical Core Worlds education. No Wookiees are seen on Jakku. Yet somehow Rey doesn't struggle with understanding Chewbacca at all? Second…"

Day 30 (Sunday)

It was hard for Annie to judge which was the greater thrill: showing off her athletic prowess, hard-fought for and gained in the years since she'd left Colorado, or watching Jeff Winger show off  _ his  _ athletic prowess that he'd dutifully maintained the whole time he was out of her life, just for her. Well, the maintenance was not for her (probably) but the showing-off was, definitely; she was the only one there.

Satisfying as the latter was, it was probably the former that she enjoyed more. At first he had maintained skepticism regarding her claims of pull-ups and push-ups and so on, so it was  _ fun  _ to demonstrate that yes, she could do one-handed pull-ups, and watch him struggle to maintain a facade of cool detachment.

Travis had once complained, after she'd beaten him three times in a row at Scrabble, that she wasn't fun to play with because she always won. She remembered feeling just a little crushed by that—she'd thought she'd been awesome and impressive and, frankly,  _ sexy  _ by being so good at Scrabble. Finding out that her boyfriend was not only not turned on by it, but actively turned off… That might have been the night she realized she was going to have to break up with Travis. She'd only delayed the actual breakup by months because she hadn't trusted her instincts.

Jeff, though. Jeff had never been threatened by her achievements, just proud of them. Proud, supportive, and, at least sometimes, turned on. She was pretty sure, anyway.

Afterwards they got to talking about Carmen & Fej, and how they must have exercised together because as sword-and-sorcery heroes they needed to be in excellent shape. Jeff started chuckling and when she'd asked, explained that he'd just had a mental image of Fej holding an arm straight out and Carmen hanging off it, doing chin-ups on him.

This had led to a whole conversation about hypothetical paired exercises they, Carmen and Fej, might do together, which had become surprisingly raunchy and was about as explicit as they'd ever gotten regarding Carmen & Fej's sex life and a few times Annie lost track of whether they were talking about themselves or their thinly-veiled fictional analogs.

Jeff probably would have stayed on all day, if she'd wanted, but there were activities she didn't think were sufficiently glamorous to perform in front of him. Laundry, for example. And she needed to call Britta. So she eventually begged off, showered, did laundry and some housework, and later that afternoon she called Britta.

Britta  _ and  _ Frankie, as it turned out, which was a nice surprise. The two women were neatly framed in their wide-angle webcam, sipping cups of probably-coffee and looking for all the world like a pair of low-budget public access morning show hosts. Or someone's YouTube channel where they reviewed true-crime books or romance novels.

"Hi, Britta, Frankie," Annie said, waving a little. She was struck, not for the first time, by how well-groomed Britta looked. Okay, that was maybe a weird thing to focus on, but the two of them had lived together for nearly a year and Annie's recollection of Britta's personal habits was pretty specific. Maybe she'd matured since Annie left. Or maybe Frankie was a good influence on her. Or, just maybe, Annie's memory of Britta's refusal to shower or wear clean clothes had become exaggerated with time.

It was definitely a weird thing to focus on, no maybe about it. Showering and laundry were just on her mind.

"Hey," said Britta. The way she raised her coffee cup in a sort of half-salute, half-toast was even more reminiscent of a talk-show host.

"Annie! Hello. I'm pleased to hear from Britta you're doing so well. That wasn't a veiled passive-aggressive complaint about having been slighted in your group's recent reconnection and communication. I only knew you and Abed for a year, met Troy once when Britta introduced us at a holiday party, and I've never met Shirley outside these video calls. Also I have no interest in Dungeons & Dragons. It may seem presumptuous or even silly to front-load the conversation with this disclaimer, but based on interactions with Troy, Abed, and Shirley, we've decided it's best to just get all this out of the way."

"O-okay," said Annie. She was a little nonplussed, but then again, it seemed like Frankie hadn't changed at all and Annie's memories hadn't become exaggerated with time, in that respect anyway.

"I hope, too," Frankie continued, "that you don't mind my joining the conversation between you and Britta. While running the college remotely involves a fair bit of videoconferencing, my plate of purely social interactions has been bare for weeks, and I know myself well enough to be aware that I require some amount of human contact."

Britta was nodding while sipping her coffee. "Yeah, yeah. I mean, if it was just the two of us, stranded like we were on a desert island that was the size and shape of our house? We'd just…exhaust one another. I was going to say drive each other crazy but I'm trying not to use 'crazy' like that any more."

"Mmm-hmm." Annie nodded, too, as that seemed prudent. "Um, speaking of getting things out of the way, congratulations again on your engagement!"

Frankie's face erupted into a wide smile. "Thank you!"

"Yeah," agreed Britta. She and Frankie glanced at each other and then both women let out an almost synchronized laugh.

"I guess you haven't set a date yet," Annie said slowly.

"Legally we'll be married as soon as is practical, given the vagaries of the civic bureaucracy," Frankie said. "But once everything is over and people are moving freely around the country, we want to host a small ceremony and reception. You will of course be invited."

"So keep your calendar open," Britta said. She leaned forward a little as her smile became insouciant. "Jeff will be there…"

"I don't need further incentive to attend beyond seeing two people I care about getting married," Annie said primly. "Besides, he lives just across town, doesn't he? Though he said you guys haven't hung out as much since he quit teaching."

Frankie nodded. "I don't recall when the last time we met—"

"The last of the nipple-dippers!" cried Britta, her tone grandiose.

"Meaning the two of us, Jeff, Craig Pelton, and sometimes Ben Chang." Frankie gave a curt, tired nod. "I still don't like that name. If I hadn't said anything it would have withered and died years ago, but—"

"Nipple-dippers for life!" cried Britta in the same triumphant tone. She leaned forward again. "Seriously, Annie? You need to get a spouse or at least a fiancé, because there is nothing better than annoying her on purpose until you're  _ almost  _ worried she'll leave you over it."

"Britta…" Frankie seemed at least as amused as she was annoyed. She sighed. "I think it was around the start of the semester last fall, unless it was the start of the summer session. When we last saw Jeff. He appeared well."

Britta set down her coffee cup, which was now empty. "I remember when Annie left you thought Jeff was just made, like, entirely out of warning signs," she told Frankie. "Like a red flag elemental. That's a D&D joke. Annie gets it."

Annie made a so-so gesture.

"And I think I can take at least partial credit, because it was my badgering him that got him to start seeing a therapist. And to try another therapist when the first one didn't work out. Now look at him!"

"It's true," Frankie said, "that when he left Greendale he seemed almost normal. Not my type, obviously. But not a drunk. And Britta tells me he used to be some kind of womanizer, pick-up artist…"

Britta nodded tightly, and Annie wondered if she'd told Frankie about how she and Jeff were briefly sleeping together, years ago. Best not to mention it.

"Anyhow," Frankie continued, "I didn't see any evidence of that during his tenure at the school. And it's fair to say he had multiple opportunities, I think."

"And all it took was Britta and two therapists!" Britta looked smug.

"Three," Annie said. "He said he had to try three times to find a good fit."

Britta sucked in air through her teeth. "Okay, well, Britta and three therapists. The principle is the same. Oh! Tell her about how you used to use her name as a trump card to get him to do better. 'What would Annie say if she were here?' Like that."

Frankie gave a slightly-embarrassed little nod. "I did do that a few times."

"So what we're saying is, to answer your question, yes, Jeff Winger is a better person now than he was five years ago," Britta said, with a dash of smugness.

"I didn't actually ask that," Annie said slowly.

"Well, you were going to," Britta replied.

Annie shook her head. "I've been seeing a lot of him lately, you know, through the video chat, and I'd already determined…" She trailed off, because it didn't seem worth arguing about.

Frankie cleared her throat. "Now that we've fallen all over ourselves to fail the Bechdel-Wallace test, can we move on?" she asked.

"Yeah!" Britta sat up as though she'd suddenly remembered something. "Like, hey, Annie, what is it you do now?" she asked. "Troy said you told him you had to get a concealed carry permit."

"Which is a little worrying," Frankie added. "Because he also said you were a paralegal."

Annie emitted a nervous laugh despite herself. "Um, okay," she said, and tried to come up with a good way to expand that concept, the okay-ness. "Okay. My job title is assistant office manager, but I do some paralegal stuff, like filings…actually, right now that's all I'm doing, because there's a freeze on the other stuff. But sometimes I do some investigative work, because somebody needs that. Like, searching garbage, surveilling a witness or suspect, extracting exonerating evidence from where the real killer hid it…I had to act as a bounty hunter, once. But, mostly it's just office stuff. I solved one murder. But mostly just office stuff."

They had a lot of follow-up questions. People always did, when she mentioned the murder. The truth was that Annie's job normally had a lot less indexing of evidence and a lot more calling people up and pretending to be tech support so she could get their passwords and search their email for material that exonerated her employers' clients or demonstrated breach of contract or any of a dozen other things. She'd gotten pretty good at that, and at showing up in office parks in a nice (but not  _ too  _ nice) suit with a laptop case and getting shown confidential material by confused middle-managers, because she seemed to expect it.

"You're like Jessica Jones meets Jessica Fletcher," Britta said in awe, once it had all come out.

"Please, it was one murder that I didn't even get credit for." Annie regretted mentioning the murder. They'd thought she had a nice boring office job. "I mean, I went and picked up Indian food once, but I wouldn't call myself a food courier. Delivery girl."

"Delivery woman," said Frankie at the same time Britta said "delivery person."

"Right, gotcha." Annie nodded vigorously. "But you know, Shirley and her husband have solved a bunch of murders."

"Wait, what?" Frankie asked, surprised.

Annie nodded. "That's how she met her husband, actually. She became his live-in caregiver, I forget how, and then started helping him solve murders." She paused for a moment and considered. "It sounds like an implausible television show premise when you phrase it like that, I know, but…"

Britta shook her head dismissively. "It's less impressive than it sounds. It's mostly Butcher who does the actual mystery-solving, and he's in a wheelchair. The baker's contribution is basically just working legs."

"Wait, so they're 'Butcher and the baker'?" Frankie asked quietly. Annie and Britta ignored her.

"You're only saying that because it's Shirley," Annie declared.

"I'm not saying Shirley's not smart, or that she's not great at baking, or that a white man is consistently and thoughtlessly taking credit for her contributions… okay, maybe I am saying that last one?" Britta sounded like she'd confused herself.

Frankie held up her hands, trying to ward off an argument. "Britta's implicit racial biases aside, Annie, this work you describe sounds like you. It seems extremely consistent with your transcripts, which I took the liberty of pulling and reviewing prior to this conversation," she said. "You sound very happy with the position."

"Oh, yeah, it's a great job." Annie nodded. "They should pay me more. And they're going to have to cut my pay, with the pandemic, or else I'll have to slip on a face mask and go back into the world, to deal with strangers. Sometimes belligerent strangers. But yes."

Frankie took the reins of the conversation, then, shifting it to  _ her  _ work and how running Greendale Community College entirely online from her office was in many ways vastly superior as a work experience to the tired old "in-person" methods she'd been so used to. She hadn't been in the same room as any of the school's less-pleasant faculty for weeks. She didn't have to come up with activities to keep dean-in-name-only Craig Pelton entertained. The cessation of the pointless busywork had in fact freed up a lot of her time and she was using it to learn to play the banjo. Did Annie want to hear Frankie play the banjo?

Annie did not want to hear Frankie play the banjo, thanks though. Maybe next time?

Next time, definitely. Frankie had almost mastered "Cripple Creek," and by next time, no doubt she'd have it totally under her belt.

"Totally," Annie agreed. "But you know, if you don't get around to it, that's fine, too. Don't feel pressured on my account. Please."


	13. That's different

Day 31 (Monday)

"Britta had a funny story," Jeff said without preamble. "About your job."

It was late in Florida. Annie hadn't been sure that Jeff would call her again after he finished checking in with Britta. He didn't really need to; they'd worked out together in the morning, then had lunch together, then eaten dinner together until Annie reminded Jeff that her schedule called for him to talk to Britta on that day. It had been, Annie guessed, the first day for a while during which their time spent in video chat wasn't greater than the time spent in video chat the day before. They'd plateaued at around four calls of around an hour each. 

The only weird thing was that it didn't seem weird. They didn't need to strain for conversational topics, and silences were amiable, not awkward. And if there wasn't anything else to discuss, there was always the next thing that was happening in  _ Tales of Young Fej and Younger Carmen. _ Jeff had snorted when she suggested that name for it, then immediately started using it (though they'd shortened it to just  _ Tales, _ which might have confused outsiders but there weren't any outsiders, it was just the two of them there).

And they had the same meal kit subscription and could always compare notes as to the quality of their respective honey-mustard pork tenderloins or southwestern spicy chicken salad or whatever. That didn't hurt. But mostly they just hung out. Annie was pretty sure that Jeff was shifting all his daily habits from Mountain to Eastern time, just to sync with her, but she hadn't asked.

"Britta had a funny story about her job? Do tell," Annie said, smiling sweetly at him through her webcam. "You know, I've never been sure what she actually does. Even when there isn't a pandemic, she's a guidance counselor at a community college. In high school the guidance counselor's job, as I understood it, was to remind you to apply for regular colleges so you didn't end up going to community college. I imagine that doesn't transfer," she said thoughtfully, stroking her chin.

Jeff's eyes had tightened in an expression she recognized as  _ you are adorable but I won't let you drag me into your shenanigans.  _ "You told me you were a paralegal," he said. He took a sip of a drink, scotch, probably. For a wild fraction of a second Annie felt genuinely annoyed he hadn't offered to make her one.

"I never said I was a paralegal," she said cautiously. "I said my job title is 'assistant office manager' and I do a lot of filings and things. Which I do," she continued as she quickly rose and poured herself a glass of boxed red wine. He had one, after all. "You watched me do one last week during the game," she called as she sat back down.

"Britta was throwing around the phrase 'solved a murder' pretty freely," Jeff continued, glaring at her as he swirled the scotch in his glass.

"Was she?" Annie kept her voice light, as though Jeff were telling her a funny story about something silly Britta said.

"Yeah, so, I asked Frankie…" Jeff trailed off and just looked at her, scowling very slightly.

Annie sighed. "I know I told you about the other stuff."

"Searching through garbage, you said." As he spoke Jeff's tone got steadily more strident. "I got the impression there was maybe an occasional stakeout. And now I hear you're breaking into offices and calling executives at home and telling them you're Apple tech support and walking them through resetting their password for you!" he almost shouted.

"You say plural like I did it more than once." Annie sipped her wine primly. "If Britta told you I did it more than once, well, she's prone to exaggerate."

"I don't—" he snarled, then stopped and modulated his tone to merely 'seething.' "I don't know the statutes on impersonating tech support, definitely not in Florida—" Jeff began.

"It's not illegal!" Annie interrupted. "At worst I could be sued for misrepresentation but they would have to demonstrate damages, and, you know, mostly I'm doing it to uncover fraud and cover-ups and—"

"You don't need a lawyer to tell you that breaking and entering is definitely illegal," Jeff declared. "You work for lawyers, right? They must know this!" He slammed his drink down out of the webcam's field of vision. Annie heard the thunk of heavy glass hitting wood. 

"Of course they know—"

"Wait, are you salaried or are you a contractor? You said you weren't in the employee directory on the website because your work was confidential, are you sure it's not to limit their exposure, because—"

Annie's eyes widened. "Yes!"

"Because it sounds like—" 

"It's fine!"

Jeff harrumphed, and took an angry sip of his drink, clearly trying to give himself time to come up with something better to say.

"I am well aware of all the legal ramifications related to potential lawsuits, criminality, liability—trust me, Jeff. I'm a big girl and I know what I'm doing. You know Shirley and her husband solved a bunch of murders. To hear her tell it, she's committed multiple felonies, sneaking into places and following up on Brian's hunches. Why don't you get on  _ her  _ case about it?"

"That's different," Jeff said quickly.

"Different how?" Annie demanded. "Do you think I don't know how to take care of myself as well as Shirley can take care of herself? Do you think I'm a  _ child _ ?"

"Of course not!"

"Then what?" Annie threw up her hands. "What puts me and Shirley in two different categories?"

Jeff's whole face wrinkled in frustration. He didn't respond immediately, and Annie felt her cheeks go flush. A low, mordant chuckle was coming up through her throat, almost like she was outside herself and laughing at what a silly situation that silly girl Annie had stepped in. She picked up her wineglass and sipped from it. She'd gone too far.  _ Here it comes again,  _ she thought.  _ The curtain comes down. Somehow I'd thought we'd gotten past this, but no. Same old, same old. This is the part where Jeff has to step back and claim somehow that I'm imagining things, that he doesn't care more about me than about the others, that we're just friends— _

"It's different because I don't love Shirley the way I love you," he said.

Annie saw her wineglass shake in her hand, and spill all over her sofa.

Jeff's eyes were closed. "You know what I mean," he continued. "If something happened to Shirley I would be upset, obviously, but I wouldn't spend the rest of my life berating myself for not having done more for her. Irrationally blaming myself for indirectly causing it somehow. But if anything ever happened to you, and there was the smallest chance I could have prevented it, I would never be able to forgive myself. You're a…you're  _ the  _ towering presence in my life, never mind that you're thousands of miles away and I don't see you for years at a time." He opened his eyes, maybe because she hadn't said anything. His face crumpled when he saw her stricken expression. "Jeez, I'm sorry, I—"

"I dropped my wine," Annie blurted out. "Spilled it. I didn't want to get up and get a… I didn't want to miss what you were…" She was hyperventilating. She sat back down, dimly aware that she must have stood up just now but had no memory of it.

"Annie," Jeff said. He was leaning forward now, his face filling up her screen.

"It's going to stain the sofa but it's just an IKEA slipcase," she murmured, then swallowed. "I know. I know, we, we talked about this. Three stories, I ruined you for all other women, I just…yeah."

He looked pained, like he was embarrassed on her behalf, maybe—or, no, maybe just because she was shaking. The wineglass was still trembling a little, until she set it down. She watched him think, his eyes almost glittering in the reflected light of his screen. "I'm a stakeholder in Annie Edison's well-being," Jeff said slowly, "and sometimes I worry that the woman I trust to take care of her might not be doing the best possible job. Although of course," he added, "you're boots on the ground and have perspective I lack, and you're the most capable woman I know. Frankie can't do one-handed pull-ups."

Annie smiled a little at that. "Maybe she can. You don't know."

He smiled back, looking relieved, like her smile meant she'd forgiven him something. "I'm really glad we're able to keep one another company like this," Jeff said. "And I hope that once this ends and things go back to normal, whenever that is, June, July, a year from now, whenever, I hope that we can stay in touch. Maybe not four hours a day, because that'd be a bit much in a world where we're allowed to get out of the house and see other people. But more than a text message every two or three years."

She was nodding. "Absolutely." They'd crossed some kind of line. They'd crossed it a ways back, actually. You couldn't even see the line from here.

He looked pensive for a moment, and she wondered if he was thinking the same thing that had just crossed her mind, that eventually one of them would meet somebody and be in a relationship and this kind of…flirty video chatting would abruptly become inappropriate. That was inevitable, wasn't it? Was there an alternative?

(Yes, obviously, of course there was an alternative. But that was a problem for future Annie, for post-pandemic Annie.)

One of those long silences followed, something Annie had just been thinking wasn't awkward, but rather companionable. This particular silence didn't seem quite so companionable, exactly, but it wasn't awkward. More thoughtful. Not for the first time—not even for the first time that day, not even for the first time since dinner, Annie wished Jeff were within arm's reach.

"Can you make light?" Annie asked him, after a while.

Anybody but Jeff would have needed context, but of course he recalled where they'd left off in the  _ Tales  _ , a couple of hours earlier: Carmen and Fej lost together in a maze of dark tunnels, deep underground. Jeff didn't miss a beat. "I should be able to, it's a cantrip. Wait, no. I was just talking to Abed about this the other day. Fej only gets three cantrips. Technically four.  _ Light  _ isn't one of them."

"One of us would have a flint-and-steel sparker or a box of matches," Annie mused. "Unless we lost our supplies somehow, which I don't think happened…"

"Sure, Fej has a butane lighter." Jeff looked past the webcam at something on the other side of the room, or just off into the distance. "He just needs to fish it out, light a torch, and we're good to go."

"And once we have some light, we can retrace our steps. Carmen can track us backwards, at least to the bottom of the fissure. So we're fine, there."

"Or we could push on," Jeff suggested. "We came this far, we should hunt the wassit."

"The wumpus," Annie said with a smile. "Don't blame me, you named it. I just said 'cryptid,' some kind of ape maybe, I said."

"You think cryptids are a thing in D&D?" Jeff asked her. "I didn't really think about it before but this is a world with owlbears, gelatinous cubes, grells and gricks."

"I don't know what those are… how do you spell  _ grellsangricks?" _ Annie was already setting up an image search.

"Two words, two different things. G-R-E-L-L and G-R-I-C-K."

"Got it…okay, trying 'grell dnd', see if that's better…" Annie scrolled through pictures of strange beasts she wouldn't want to see in a zoo, much less at the bottom of a cave. "Say, what did you mean before when you said Fej knew three cantrips but technically four?"

"He knows  _ guidance, sacred flame,  _ and  _ thaumaturgy." _ Jeff paused, cleared his throat.  _ "  _ And  _ dominate Carmen." _

Annie gasped reflexively. Then she tilted her head and smiled. "Whaaaaat?"

"The solution to how we were breaking the rules with  _ guidance," _ Jeff said. He shifted in his seat, more outwardly uncomfortable now than he'd been telling her he loved her (more or differently than he loved Shirley anyway), a few moments ago. "Abed agreed to let Fej know a special extra cantrip that just gives Carmen the extra attack."

"And it's called  _ dominate Carmen?" _ Annie didn't even try to sound scandalized, she was too delighted. "Did you name it that or did Abed?" As if she didn't know the answer already.

"I just thought it sounded better than  _ special guidance for Carmen, _ or something like that, like you're a troubled teen who needs a counselor? Obviously the spell doesn't make Carmen do anything she doesn't want to do; you always have the option of declining to make the free attack…"

"If I declined, though, would you punish me? Spank me, maybe?" Annie asked, as saucily as she could. She felt lightheaded.

"It would depend on context," Jeff said carelessly. "I have a hard time picturing Carmen refusing the attack when it counted."

" 'But Fej, if you don't teach me that there are consequences to disobeying you I'll just learn all the wrong lessons!' " Annie made the eyes at him, or tried to, it was harder when she was distracted.

"All right," Jeff said, after a pause slightly longer than it really needed to be. He sounded…not upset, but tense. "If Carmen ever refuses the extra attack when it endangers us and if Fej determines it's because she's acting out on the grounds that he isn't sufficiently… commanding," he said firmly, "then I will take you over my knee and spank you until I feel I've made my point."

"Ooh, yes sir." Annie swallowed and reached for her glass, suddenly thirsty. It was empty, of course. She took a breath, tongue-tied. "I might hold you to that."

He might have licked his lips, she couldn't be sure. "See, now, if I was there," he began, his voice slow and thick, "or if you were here, this is when I'd pull you into my lap."

"If you were here, or I was there," Anne said, just as slowly, "I think I'd have climbed into your lap already."

There was a pause during which she was very conscious of her breathing.

"What happened to the two thousand miles and the pandemic being a terrible time to start something, and…?" she asked. She could feel her heart pounding.

"I think that went out the window around the time you did one-handed pull ups to show off for me. Or maybe before." He closed his eyes and took a ragged breath. "But the two thousand miles are still there."

"…Yeah."

"We should… I wish…" He shook his head. "We should go to bed."

"We should," she agreed quietly. "But instead you're going to your bed and I'm going to mine." She glanced down and remembered the spilled wine. "After I clean this up." She tilted her laptop so he could see, so he would be totally clear on what she was talking about.

"Right." He nodded. "I'll…I'll see you soon, then."

"Game Wednesday night," she said, then quickly added, "though of course, I might see you before then. I'd like to. Call me, if you want. Please? I'll be here."

"And I'll be here," Jeff said.

As soon as they'd ended the call she was pricing round-trip flights between Orlando and Denver. A ninety-five percent reduction in air travel from this time last year, she read. Nonessential travel not recommended. Flight cancellations up and down the board, more cancelled flights than active ones. She mulled over possible scenarios as she fetched a damp towel for the spill. It would be tricky. Not impossible. But tricky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Amrywiol and Bethanyactually and also everybody who leaves a comment or kudos. Have you left kudos? I'm not saying you have to, but doing so might improve your life. No way of knowing until you try.


	14. Smutty-fanfic romance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as per always to amrywiol and bethanyactually (and everybody who has left kudos and/or comments).

Day 32 (Tuesday)

It was getting harder to deal with.

It seemed impossible that Annie had only been back in his life for a few weeks, barely a month. But then, time seemed to have lost all meaning. Days bled into one another, and the only real weekly appointment he had was the D&D game. Everything else felt ersatz and irregular, even if it was still on a schedule, like his calls with Mark most weekdays, like his calls with Maureen every other Monday. And in that churning sea of anxiety and isolation, he'd somehow found Annie to cling to, and she him.

If you were to assume a normal dating relationship was two three-hour encounters a week (Jeff hadn't been in anything like a normal dating relationship for more than a decade and didn't know how accurate that was, but for the sake of argument he had to assume something), then a dating-week was six hours of interaction.

By that standard he and Annie had been together for something like six weeks, mostly squeezed into the past seven days. It was a ridiculous way to frame their relationship. He didn't feel like he'd been dating Annie for six weeks. Or one week. Or one month. He felt like he'd known her for a long time. He felt like she'd been absent in his life and left a hole that had been so big that he'd forgotten it was even a hole, that it wasn't just landscape. He felt like she'd suddenly come back to him, just when he needed her most, and he felt like she was two thousand miles away and…God, he just wanted to _touch_ her.

She was feeling it too, the pressure. He could tell from the way she always seemed so happy to see him at the start of a call, even if it had been scant hours since their last call. He could tell from the way she always tried to set up their next call before the current one ended: _I'll see you at lunch, right? We'll do push-ups together in the morning, okay? Tell me how your call with Troy goes, I'll tell you how my call with Troy went, we can get together and compare notes about whose call with Troy was better._

And he could tell they were both getting a little stressed about it from the way the _Tales of Young Fej and Younger Carmen_ had rapidly devolved into what Annie termed smutty-fanfic romance, with very little in the way of heroic adventuring between long low-stakes scenes and descriptions of their characters sharing meals and sharing beds and sharing drinks and sharing personal space. The last long scene they'd improvised their way through, late Tuesday evening, had just been the two of them cuddling under the stars on a chilly autumn night. They were tired after a long day of cross-country hiking, and as the temperature dropped they held one another and drowsily made out…

So yes, it was getting harder to deal with.

She was going to have to be smart about this.

Annie had realized early in researching flights to and from Denver that it was an obvious step. She'd deliberately avoided thinking about it, had put it off as a problem for Future Annie, once the pandemic was over in… May, or June, or July, or whenever. When things went back to the way they'd been.

It had to have occurred to Jeff, though. She no longer believed that she was imagining anything or projecting anything or looking at their situation through the rose-colored glasses she'd worn so many times before. Many times, but a long time ago. The last time she'd been fooled by Jeff Winger had been a long time ago. She had his number now, she was pretty sure.

She was pretty sure from the way that he so solicitously checked in with her throughout the day, just in case she needed or wanted him to drop whatever he was doing and hop on a call with her. She was pretty sure from the way he seemed so happy to see her whenever they started a new call, even if it had been only a couple of hours since the last one ended. From the way he made sure she could see him working out, when they were working out together. 

So he'd no doubt looked at all the same flight information she had, and decided, what? That he didn't want to see her? That she should be the one to broach the idea? That it was just too risky, one way or another?

They'd done the same cost-benefit analysis, Annie was sure of it. They'd both weighed the risks of air travel against the benefit of being close enough to touch. They'd just come down on different sides of the question _is it worth it_. Because he'd always been the risk-averse one when it came to her. There had once been a version of their story that was all about her pursuing him and him fleeing her not because he didn't want her but because he didn't want to risk anything.

Annie was just going to have to convince him that she was right and he was wrong. She couldn't make the risks of air travel go away, so she needed to increase the perceived benefit of being close enough to touch. She needed to seduce Jeff Winger. To make him want—no, _need_ to seduce her.

When she framed the issue like that, she felt pretty confident about the whole thing. She'd established that Carmen could pretty effortlessly seduce Fej, that had to count for something.

Friday. Friday was the day. Then there'd be a whole weekend for her to make her move. And then, in May or June or July or next March, whenever it was that things went back to the way they were? Then something would be different.

Day 33 (Wednesday)

"Welcome to the Feywild. Roll initiative," said Abed. "Tonight's session is going to be a little different from what we've been doing, because you have all fallen into the faerie-world of dreams and nightmares, where the symbolic becomes the literal, and the literal becomes the symbolic. Ashley helped me write some of this."

"Are we ever going to meet Ashley?" Britta asked. "I know she's real, I saw the pictures of you guys hot-tubbing."

"And we all figured out that you guys have been messing with us about whether you're two-thirds of a polyamorous triad or whether Abed is merely Troy's and Ashley's very good friend," said Shirley. She made a face like someone had fed her a bug. "I'm sorry. I practiced saying 'polyamorous triad' without cracking and now it's ashes in my mouth." She screwed her eyes shut and shook her head briefly. "Jesus loves you all," she muttered. "He loves love. It's not for us to judge. Love comes in all shapes…you boys are weird, always have been." She shook her head again. "I'm trying, over here."

"It's okay," Troy said. "We were saying—at one point, we were looking into hiring, like, an eighteen-year-old stripper to come in and pretend to be Ashley, and just be like, super inappropriate? But then I said, no, that's taking it too far. Also there's the whole quarantine lockdown thing, you can't hire strippers for private home performances these days…" He trailed off, and stared confusedly at his screen.

"That sound you hear is us all being stunned into silence," Annie said.

"The stripper concept never made it past the brainstorming stage," Abed assured them. "We quickly recognized that it was in very poor taste and moved on to the fake social media material."

"Wait, it was fake?" Now it was Britta who was staring confusedly at her screen. "That wasn't Ashley in the photos?"

"Ashley is real. Ashley is twenty-six. Ashley has never been a stripper as far as I know. And yes, Ashley is our girlfriend," Troy said, ticking the points off on his fingers one-two-three.

"Ashley wanted to sit in on tonight's game," said Abed, over a chorus of murmurs as everyone tried to respond to, at long last, the excision of ambiguity.

"But at the last minute she got cold feet because, like Abed said, she co-wrote this Feywild thing. They were holed up together yesterday, half of the day before," Troy finished.

"She's in the office with access to the video and audio feeds but no microphone or camera," Abed said.

"Unless you feel like that would be a violation," Troy quickly added. "In which case we thought about doing that but decided against it, because we knew you would feel that was a violation."

"Hi Ashley!" Annie waved gamely at her screen. "I'm Annie! I guess you know that. I hope we can actually meet sometime soon! I mean, meet via video chat. You know what I mean. You get it, you're cool. She gets it," she assured everyone.

Shirley cleared her throat. "Hello, Ashley," she began, her voice twisted into the upper registers of lilting. "My name is Shirley Bennett Butcher, and I would like…"

"It's okay, you guys." Troy was grinning. "You don't have to, like, go around and introduce yourselves. And it's not like Ashley is an invisible spirit secretly watching all you say and do. Quietly judging."

Shirley harrumphed.

"Thank God,' Jeff said. "For a second there it seemed like things might get awkward."

**#JWinger/annie**

**annie**

**@JWinger**!

**(1 Wink: annie)**

"Take that awkward energy and get ready to use it," Abed said, "because we're going to be in the Feywild. What's everybody's initiative results?"

"Wait, we're going directly into a combat?" Jeff asked. "I thought we were getting a rest, somehow?"

"It will all make sense," lied Abed.

Everybody rolled initiative, and Britta realized she hadn't advanced Crumples the Tumbling Fool to fourth level, so she had to do that real quick. Annie debated trying to use the time to advance her agenda of seducing Jeff, but it was a small window and she'd already decided that it was a big-enough project that she needed to wait a little bit, so she could devote the whole weekend to it. Tonight was to be an agenda-free good time with her favorite person—people. Favorite people.

"Okay, up first is Carmen," Abed said a few minutes later. "On one level, Carmen, you and your friends are fighting a terrible monster that wants to eat your souls. On another level, though, your daughter Webbigail has just come home from school all excited. 'Mom! Mom!' She yells. 'I got the part! I got the part!' She's practically jumping up and down, she's so worked up."

Annie blinked, nonplussed. "Wait, what?"

Abed just looked at her expectantly.

"No, seriously, I need a little clarification," Annie said. She was starting to feel a little embarrassed, like Abed was expecting her to already understand. "Is this a flash-forward?"

"Did we—did _Carmen_ adopt Webbigail at some point?" Jeff chimed in. Annie smiled.

"Are we all older now?" Shirley guessed. "Well, everyone except Míriel, who is of course ageless."

"Where's the monster? Is the monster attacking Webby?" Britta shot upright in her seat. "Is Webby in immediate danger?" she asked, concerned.

Abed sighed. "Ashley said we would need to…it's fine. Two things are happening at once. The first thing is that everybody is locked in combat with a monster. No details about that are available beyond the bare minimum necessary to use the rules to resolve the combat. The second thing is that everybody is living in the timeless city in the Feywild. It is a city with many names: Mil Plezuroj Kaj Mizero, the City of One Thousand Delights and One Sorrow, Omelas, the New Jerusalem, Xanadu, and others. You have lived there for some time. You are part of the city's culture, one with its populace. It is home. How it came to be home does not matter, for who you were before you came to the City does not matter. All that matters is the now. And now, Carmen is Webby's mother."

"Okay," Annie said slowly. "Okay. Wait, Webbigail is my daughter? Are our ages right for that?" Annie did some mental arithmetic and was surprised at the result. But then, they'd established that Carmen was a couple years older than she was. "Huh…where are we? I mean, where in the city?"

"You're home," Abed repeated. "You tell me. Where in the timeless City of Ten Thousand Delights And One Sorrow, capital of the Feywild, do you live? The city center, the artisanal district, the bohemian quarter, I'm just making these up, feel free to jump in. The red-light district, the blue-light district, the clerk's ward…"

"Lot of bargains in the blue-light district," Shirley muttered.

"The clerk's ward sounds good," Annie said cautiously. "Good schools. Low crime rate, plenty of parks." She stopped, unsure what to say. Abed seemed to expect more. "We have a little semidetached home with no yard but it's across the street from a playground."

"Great," Abed said. "And has Carmen been home all day, or—"

"Oh, no, no." Annie shook her head. "She's not a stay-at-home mother, no offense Shirley."

"Why would I be offended by that?" Shirley asked, confused.

"No, Carmen just got home herself after a hard day working at, um, her demanding yet rewarding job."

Abed nodded tightly. "So how do you react to Webby's news? And how do you attack the monster?"

"Um. Okay." Annie went with it. " 'That's great, honey! I'm so proud of you. You should run and tell your father, he'll be even prouder! I know you two were running lines all weekend.' And then I frenzy and do a Reckless attack."

**JWinger**

**@annie** That's me, right?

**(1 Thumbs-up: annie)**

**annie**

**@JWinger** It ain't Ector

"Roll to hit," Abed instructed.

Annie did so. "Eighteen?"

"Eighteen hits, roll damage."

Annie did that, too. "Fourteen damage, nice."

Abed turned to Shirley. "Miriel is fighting the same monster. Also she's somewhere in the timeless City of Ten Thousand Joys And One Sorrow, capital of the Feywild. Who is she with?"

Shirley didn't miss a beat. "Clearly she's in the middle of a high society event, a charity ball to benefit the poor and orphaned of the city."

"Are there poor and orphaned in Omelas?" Troy asked thoughtfully.

"'For ye have the poor always with you'," said Shirley.

"Sure, there's poor people and orphans," Abed said. He was scanning his handwritten notes. "Your ball is happening at the Hall of Delectables, an upscale event space near the Regent's palace. Simply everybody is there, in their most decadent fashions."

"As the last of her opening act's applause dies down, Míriel steps onto the stage and into the spotlight. Clad in shining…what are the people wearing, Abed?"

Abed looked blank. "Decadent fashions…clothes?"

Shirley looked dissatisfied. "Each of the attendees is clad in shining fabric woven from a variety of abstract nouns," she declared. "It's a dreamland, right? Míriel wears silver and gold, the light of the Two Trees condensed into a liquid and that liquid sprayed across her skin to create a mist-gown that shines with undiluted holiness. In the crowd below a hush spreads slowly, as the partygoers one by one have their attentions caught!" Shirley raised a balled fist. "And only then, as the hush spills down and washes away all their ennui, does Míriel begin to sing."

Everybody leaned forward in their seats.

"She sings a song glorifying, oh," Shirley shrugged lightly, "let's say the pleasures of the flesh. Should I make a Performance check?"

"No need," Abed replied. He scanned his notes. "You kill. Everyone in the audience is overwhelmed with emotion. Many start making out. Those in the back move on to petting and fondling one another."

"Ew," said Britta, making a face. Annie found herself making the same face.

"A bit much, Abed," Jeff declared, before she could say anything. "Fondling, poor choice of words."

"Too much?" Abed's normally unflappable facade vanished for a moment and he looked tired and vexed. Then it was gone. "Ashley and I might have gotten a little carried away with some of this. I'll try to take the note."

As Abed asked Shirley to explain how she was attacking the monster, there was a noise which Annie needed a second to process: Troy and Abed's phones both buzzing. Abed broke off his question to read the text they'd gotten. He sighed.

 _"I_ may have gotten a little carried away and definitely I didn't tell Ashley enough about context," he said. "Again, I'll try to take the note."

The phones buzzed again. Troy, who was reading his, snickered. "I know, right?" he said, apparently to nobody and apropos of nothing.

"It's okay, dears, we're all adults. Moving on," Shirley said. "Can I _suggest_ the monster change their mind about trying to kill us?"

"It's too late for that, Carmen's already done damage. First blood."

"Bleah. Then I try _webbing_ it in place."

Abed rolled some dice. "Carmen, you take nine damage from having your soul be in two places at once."

"What?" Annie squinted. "Why…? Um, is it halved because I'm in frenzy?"

Abed shook his head. "It's psychic damage, not physical."

"Did I _web_ it okay or did it not take?" Shirley asked.

"You're busy performing for nine dozen of the city's most affluent, sexy, and glamorous glitterati," Abed said. " 'An antlered woman draped in wistful sighs locks horns with an antlered man clad in regret'," he read off his phone. 

"Ooh, that's good, Ashley," Annie murmured.

**annie**

I like that, draped in wistful sighs, clad in regret

**(1 Ok: JWinger)**

**JWinger**

We've done better in "Tales"

**(1 Smiley: annie)**

"And you spot Donald and Daisy there, in the audience," Abed added.

Annie braced herself for Abed's description of Donald Duck and Daisy Duck…kissing, or whatever…but instead he just moved on.

"Ector, are you at the gallery opening or the church casino night?"

"Neither," said Troy. "I'm at, uh, I'm at the courthouse acting as a public defender."

"Tell me about that," said Abed, after a pause during which Annie had honestly thought Abed was going to pull something about the city's office of the public defender out of his notes. 

"It's the most direct way I can put my skills to use helping the people of the city," Troy said. "It hasn't come up in the game but, you know, Ector's not a dummy. And I'm sure the city has a whole bureaucracy set up to churn through the underclass and keep them toiling with their heads down, right?"

"It's a magical fairy city in another dimension," Jeff interjected, "so of course it does. Nobody ever said 'as egalitarian as an elf,' no offense Shirley."

"None taken," Shirley said, though she was clearly a little peeved.

"So there's some poor woman who's just trying to make ends meet and she's arrested for selling loose cigarettes or something," Troy said. "Normally they just confiscate her cigarettes and make her work a week in the, I dunno, nightmare mines?"

"Nightmare mines, sure." Abed was nodding.

"But Ector talks them into reversing charges and giving her a change of clothes instead."

"Okay…" Abed said slowly. "It's Della Duck," he decided. "Della's arrested, you're her attorney. She's thrilled that you've been able to help her, so much so that she invites you to her family's garden-party potluck that evening. There's a subtext that she feels she needs a date to the event and doesn't have one. How are you fighting the monster?"

Troy shrugged. "With a _thunderous smite_ I guess? No reason not to hit it hard and fast, unless I'm missing something." He rolled to attack. "Ha ha! Natural twenty!"

"It's not immune to critical hits for some reason, is it?" Shirley asked.

Abed shook his head. "As far as any of you know, the monster has no special defenses of any kind. They are neither immune nor especially vulnerable to fire, poison, cold, acid, necrotic, radiant, lightning, thunder, slashing, blunt, piercing, force, or psychic damage."

"Awesome," said Troy. He'd already rolled damage. "With the extra from the _smite_ it comes to twenty damage, and it has to make a Strength save or get bowled over."

Abed nodded. "Noted." He rolled some dice. "Carmen, you take another seven damage from having your soul in two places at once. Shirley, five damage, same deal."

"Can I…roll to resist?" Shirley asked.

"No," Abed said flatly. "Crumples."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Britta was bouncing in her seat. "Am I doing my circus act? I'm doing my circus act!" She pantomimed doing something, it was hard to say what. Throwing a pie? Driving a tiny car?

"You're entertaining at a children's birthday party in a big private garden high up near the Regent's palace. Very hoity-toity, completely different crowd than at Shirley's thing. It's an all-day affair and this stage is clowns and boom-bands."

"Are there other clowns? Am I the main stage?" Britta asked. She leaned forward, wholly engaged with these questions.

"You are the main stage. There's a second stage where some magicians and animal trainers were working earlier, but they close that stage while you perform. All the children are enchanted, though many attempt to cover their glee with a thin scrim of ironic detachment. Huey, Dewey, and Louie are all three in the front row. They're all having a good time."

"Great!" Britta looked pleased. "I want to use my _skywriting_ spell to write knock-knock jokes overhead! I have been waiting for the chance to do this, guys, you have no idea."

"Sure," Abed said. "Also, how are you fighting the monster?"

"Monster. Right." Britta scanned her character sheet as though for the first time. "I guess I cast _vicious mockery,_ like, hey you indeterminate monster, way to be undefined, obfuscated much? Or, oh, I could use bardic magic to inspire, um, Carmen I guess."

"You can actually do both on one turn," Annie said quietly.

Britta may or may not have heard her. "Is Carmen in range to be inspired?" she asked.

Abed nodded. "The combat against the monster is taking place in a limited area. Everyone is within range of everyone else."

"Okay. Rah, rah, Carmen, you're so hot, we love when you swing that sword, rah rah." Britta's cheerleader chant was oddly listless. "I don't know why this is the thing that makes me feel silly, is singing to give people a bonus…"

"The important thing is that you realize you don't look at all ridiculous doing it," Jeff told her.

"Also, you take six damage," Abed said. "Fej, you're at the bottom of the round."

"Is the monster making attack rolls we can force penalties to, or, is there cover we could be getting behind, or anything we can do to reduce the damage we're collectively taking?" Jeff asked.

Abed shook his head. "It's just not that kind of fight, man."

"Well then," Jeff said, sounding a little peeved, "what kind of fight is it?"

"It's the kind of fight where your daughter is really excited about getting a major part in her school play."

Jeff sighed. "Okay. I scoop Webby up and set her on the kitchen counter near where I've been baking delicious treats all day. She squeals with delight as I pop a cookie into her mouth and tell her how proud I am of her, and how much Carmen and I love her. I promise that will never change, no matter what happens. Then I cast…" He looked troubled a moment, and cleared his throat. "I give Carmen an extra attack, with my action."

**annie**

**@JWinger** see this is why we don't give spells inappropriately sexy names

Sir

**(1 Grimace: JWinger)**

**JWinger**

**@annie** I'll remember that for the next time I'm naming a spell after you

"Annie?" Abed said, with a cadence that suggested she'd gone too long without responding to something.

"Huh? Oh, right. I attack." Annie rolled. "Nineteen! That's a hit, right?" She quickly rolled damage without waiting for a response. "Eighteen damage."

**JWinger**

**@annie** Good girl!

**(1 Shocked: annie)**

**(1 Nervous-smile: annie)**

**(1 Blush: annie)**

**(2 Heart: JWinger, annie)**

**annie**

**@JWinger** Thank you sir!

**JWinger**

Stop that please you are being too sexy

**annie**

I don't think I understand sir

Can you explain it to me please?

Abed cleared his throat. "It's Carmen's initiative again," he said. "Top of the second round."

"Right." Annie's cheeks were red. "Right…"

**JWinger**

**@annie** Okay let's table all flirtation until this weird feywild scene is dealt with agreed?

**(1 Agreed: annie)**

**annie**

I was going to say the same thing sir

**(1 Angel: annie)**

**(1 Grimace: JWinger)**

**(1 Blush: annie)**

Annie glanced up and watched Jeff squirm uncomfortably in his seat. He wasn't looking at the webcam, instead he was looking down and away from his screen, one hand up blocking his face. If she hadn't known he was uncomfortable because she'd pushed him a half-inch further than he'd wanted, she probably wouldn't have guessed anything was off, and she knew him well. 

She was suddenly reminded of something Britta had said, about how the best thing in the world was deliberately antagonizing your partner. Jeff no longer saw her as forbidden fruit, underage, that mousy eighteen-year-old girl who'd tried so clumsily to seduce a man of thirty-five, all those years ago, but maybe there was just enough of a vestige of that left for her to play with. To mess with him with. Messing with him had always been her favorite thing, way back when, and now she'd found a whole new arsenal of messing-with-Jeff techniques.

Annie hadn't expected Jeff to come back at her with 'good girl' which…frankly, Annie wasn't sure whether she liked that or not…it was him playing along with her, which was _extremely_ appealing, but on the other hand that phrase had a whole raft of cultural associations connected to it, too much to really catalog in the moment, internalized misogyny and institutional sexism and other mood-killing nouns…

Abed cleared his throat again.

"Sorry, sorry," Annie said quickly. "I just needed to finish the thought. It's finished now. Well, tabled."


	15. How did we get married?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Listen, you sign up for the sexy Jeff/Annie Dungeons and Dragons funtimes, you're occasionally going to get a paragraph full of math. You're just going to have to deal.

"Carmen and Fej and Webby are in a cheery domestic scene, right?" Annie asked Abed. "Is Mrs. Beakley around?"

"No, she's performing after Shirley at the benefit," Abed said.

"She is?" Shirley looked skeptical. "Well, we'll see."

Annie tried to get back on track. "What's the part that Webby got, that she's all excited about?"

"She's going to play Kim in her middle school's production of  _ Bye-Bye Birdie," _ Abed said. "It's not quite as ambitious as it sounds. They're using an abridged version that runs about forty-five minutes."

"Well, that's great, I guess," Annie said. "Does she have a problem we need to solve, or are we just glowing with parental support and affection?"

"Webby does have one problem." Abed paused, perhaps to muster all the gravitas he could. "It may sound like an absurd contrivance, but to truly excel on the stage Webby needs a  _ potion of theatricality. _ The only potion-vendor in the city is way uptown, near the Regent's palace, and expensive to boot."

"We established that Carmen has a rewarding job and we live in a nice neighborhood," Annie responded carefully. "So I think we can afford it. It's time for a family outing. I point at Webby. 'Family outing?' I point at Fej. 'Family outing? Family outing!' Also I guess I attack the monster? Recklessly, and then a second time because I'm in frenzy…being in frenzy doesn't affect my parenting, does it?"

"Oh, believe me, you need that frenzy sometimes," Shirley told her.

Annie rolled her first attack. Reckless meant she could roll twice and choose the better result, but her choices were…ugh, four and five. She could burn the inspiration Crumples had just given her for another d6, but even then a hit was not guaranteed. Better to accept the miss. The follow-up attack was better, twelve on the die plus her bonus of six (hitting fourth level had allowed her to indirectly boost her attack bonus by increasing her Strength) meant eighteen. "Okay," Annie said, "I hit once, for… fourteen damage."

"Fourteen, check. Shirley, as your performance reaches its climax, you see something or someone moving backstage, just out of sight of the audience. It's Beakley, a large woman in an elegant evening gown."

"What's the evening gown made of?" Shirley asked, with an affect that suggested this was a critical strategic question.

Abed hesitated and glanced down at his phone. When no assistance from Ashley was immediately forthcoming, however, he had to speak. "Silk. Purple silk."

Shirley nodded thoughtfully, as though this fact eliminated some possible actions, opened up others. "Then Míriel will have to do an encore. Her set was only supposed to be four songs, but she lets herself be cajoled by the crowd into performing another four, after almost-but-not-quite leaving the stage."

"Beakley's getting antsy," Abed warned.

"That's fine," Shirley said. "Míriel doubts anyone in that dress could possibly follow up her set, so she's simply seizing that space on the playbill. Double Míriel. No Beakley."

"I doubt Beakley likes that," Troy muttered.

"It's not about what we like, it's about what our audience needs," Shirley said, with an effervescence so sincere that Annie found herself nodding along. "Then she hits the monster with  _ witch bolt, _ cast at second level. That's Míriel's new spell from leveling up."

Abed rolled some dice. "Check. You hit and deal fourteen damage. A lance of electrical energy conjoins Shirley and the monster but that's not what's important right now. Ector and Della are walking uptown together. Troy?"

"Yeah, that's right. Is the Regent's palace and the garden party, are they at the top of a hill? You keep saying uptown, I'm envisioning us walking up a hill. Maybe a long flight of stairs like over on Baxter?"

"Stairs, sure. It's light commercial with residences on upper floors, apartment buildings, the occasional public plaza," Abed said. "You pass a row of small cafes with outdoor seating on the street. Pedestrian only."

"I'm asking Della a little about herself, like, how'd she end up arrested basically for being poor, if she's headed to a family get-together in the ritziest part of town, you know?" said Troy.

"Della is charmed by your interest," Abed declared. "She begs off answering your questions about her circumstances by complimenting your oratory, your rhetorical skills, and your physique. She says something cute."

"Okay, she's cute, sure… So do I recognize Della?" Troy asked. "I mean, I don't think we ever actually met before but I know about her, she's one of the people I went out to find. And if I know her name…?"

"That was the past," Abed said. "This is the now, the street and the cafes and the sunset. Della sees you looking at her. 'What's up? You're looking at me weird,' she says."

" 'Sorry, sorry. I was just thinking,' " said Troy.

" 'Oh?' Della gives a little smirk. 'I almost batted my eyes coquettishly there, but we both know I couldn't pull it off.' "

Troy chuckled, as though Abed were referencing an in-joke. " 'I bet you could if you tried.' I'll, uh, is there like a flower cart or something? I want to buy her a flower real quick."

**annie**

Aw! They're so cute. Knowing they're two-thirds of a polyamorous triad doesn't make it less cute.

**(1 Confused: JWinger)**

"What's your Wisdom save bonus?" Abed asked him.

"Huh?" Troy was nonplussed by the question. "Four?"

Abed rolled a die. "For a second you feel a sense of urgency, like there's a vital mission and crisis you're ignoring, as though a giant monster were attempting to eat you. Then the surge of emotion passes, and you're just looking at Della. She's holding the daffodil you just handed her, touched by the gesture. What's your combat action?"

"Uh… _ thunderous smite  _ again, I guess." Troy rolled to attack. "Seventeen hits?" When he saw Abed nod he rolled more dice. "Twelve damage and maybe the monster is knocked over."

Abed rolled another die, noted the result, and moved on. "Crumples, you've finished your act, and all the kids are crowded around asking for your approval in various forms. 'Crumples, how did you become a jester?' and 'Crumples, I loved it when you threw that pie,' and 'Crumples, what is the best way to live? What wisdom can you impart to us, the impressionable and well-intentioned youth of the city?' Stuff like that."

" 'Be good to one another, and anyone can be a tumbling fool,' " Britta said serenely, her eyes closed.

"They also have questions about how much your take-home pay is, how you became a gnome, and which of them has the tallest father."

Britta opened her eyes. "What? I don't know."

"One of the nephews, Huey, wants to know whether you improvise your act or if you do your routines in a specific order with patter that doesn't vary between performances. He has a notepad and is poised to write down your answer because he's going to write an article about you for his newsletter,  _ Huey, Louie, and the News." _

"Dewey's not involved with the newsletter?" Britta asked, with the tone of someone who felt like she should know better than to ask a follow-up question but couldn't help herself.

"Dewey has a competing newsletter, the  _ How I'm Deweying." _ Abed said flatly.

"Well, I answer their questions to the best of my ability, while maintaining a cool professionalism—"

"And," Abed interrupted, "what's your combat action?"

"Oh, uh, I make fun of it again, I guess," Britta said distractedly.

"Great." Abed rolled a few dice. "Jeff. Fej takes his wife and daughter uptown, towards the potion-vendor."

"Wife, you say? So we're definitely married?" Annie asked, before Jeff could say anything.

"You live as husband and wife in a little semidetached house in the clerk's ward across the street from a playground, with your daughter Webby," Abed said. "Correct."

"Do we get a say in it?" Jeff asked. "Like, how did we get married?"

"That's a question about the past, Jeff. The past is over. In the timeless City of One Thousand Delights and One Sorrow, there is only the now. Now you are married. Were you wedded? When and how? It does not matter. Now you are wed."

Annie half-expected Jeff to go on some kind of rant about how Fej would never marry because of his holy vows, or because Jeff himself didn't believe in marriage, or something. But instead he just looked sourly at his screen for a moment.

"Okay then. We're headed uptown. On foot, I assume. The whole city is pedestrian-only, right?"

"There are bike lanes," Abed said. "And a cable car up the hill on the main thoroughfare."

"Cable car, great, we take the cable car up. Webby sits between me and Carmen and we talk about, I don't know, what she learned at school that day. Stuffed animals? I do not know what little girls talk about."

"Witchcraft. Magic spells and hexes," Annie guessed. "But, ugh, not with your parents. Your parents you talk to about fun family outings that you want to go on that weekend, that you don't end up doing, or about afterschool programs they're making you do that you hate…"

"I don't think that's universal," Britta said.

_ "Bye-Bye Birdie," _ Jeff said. He clapped his hands together. "We talk about  _ Bye-Bye Birdie  _ and how just because Ann-Margret played Kim as a sex kitten, she doesn't have to follow suit. And I don't use the phrase 'sex kitten'," he added quickly.

"Soon you reach the uptown," Abed said, in a let's-keep-things-moving tone. "Nearby is the Regent's palace, some palatial estates, a little upscale shopping, and a garden party. Webby runs into the garden party suddenly."

"What?" Jeff blinked in confusion. "I chase after her, tell her to stop and come back," he said. 

"And your combat action?"

"Carmen takes another swing," Jeff glanced at his screen in the way Annie had come to recognize as being directed towards her.

Annie rolled. "Ugh, a two," she said. "That's going to miss."

Abed rolled some more dice. "Carmen takes eight damage and Ector takes eleven damage," he said. "That ends the second round. Third round, Carmen, go."

"We're chasing after Webby, Fej and I," Annie said. "Into the garden party. Do I spot her?"

"Easily," Abed said. "She's joined a little crowd of kids her age who are surrounding Crumples. She knows several of them, even though she wasn't invited to the party, and rushed in to investigate when she saw someone she recognized."

"Is that like her?" Annie asked. "No," she said, answering her own question. "No, it's not. 'Webby, what's gotten into you? We're trespassing!' "

" 'Aw, Mom, can't we stay? Nobody minds!' Webby says. She's extremely invested in staying at this party. Make a Wisdom saving throw," Abed said.

Annie did a double take. "Oh, okay… ten," she said after rolling a die.

"It's a pretty amazing party," Abed told her. "You feel a strong urge to stay."

"I guess we're staying," Annie said to Jeff. " 'Webby, if anyone asks, you just came in to try to find the ladies' room, okay?' "

"That seems like a terrible lesson to be teaching our daughter," Jeff grumbled, but she could tell he was trying not to smile.

"Combat action," Abed prompted.

"I attack twice, Recklessly the first time." Annie rolled. "Twenty-one hits, thirteen probably doesn't… only nine damage."

"Noted," said Abed. "Shirley, I'm skipping you ahead a little. Your entourage arrives at the party. There's you and Beakley, the stars, with Donald and Daisy, who are the ones who talked you and Beakley into going to Donald's family's party, and a half-dozen of the sexy revelers from the audience, who trailed along."

"Okay, I get why Donald Duck would want to escort my high-elven chanteuse to an upscale garden party," Shirley said, "but why is Beakley tagging along? Míriel didn't let her sing!"

Abed shrugged. "Maybe she sang after your second set and bumped some third singer off the bill. In any case, that's a question about the past, and in the timeless City of One Thousand Delights and One Sorrow, the past is irrelevant."

"It's only the past because you skipped over it," Shirley protested. "But all right, all right. Míriel favors Donald with a smile and thanks him for his kindness. She plucks a tall stemmed glass of something pink and bubbly off a nearby tray, and scans the crowd, looking for people she knows. Does she recognize Crumples? Or Fej and Carmen? I know she doesn't know who Donald and Daisy are, for whatever reason…"

Abed shrugged. "You can feel an inexplicable pull towards them, if you want. Meanwhile your entourage is shuffling off into the general party population and turning the event from a kids' birthday party to something more adult. Some of the kids are leaving. Webby and the nephews are still focused on Crumples."

Shirley stared into the middle distance for a second or so. "Mmm, maybe Míriel seduces Donald now," she mused.

"Daisy is  _ right there," _ Britta pointed out. "She'd break both your arms."

"Maybe Míriel seduces both of them, then," Shirley said.

"This is going down a really weird road," Jeff said. "I'm all in favor of not yucking anybody's yum but I don't want to see Shirley's character picking up Donald Duck and Daisy Duck. 'Yes, Jeff's right.' 'Jeff makes a good point.' You hear? Everybody agrees with me."

"I was just thinking out loud." Shirley sighed. "It's been a long few weeks and I don't feel like I need to prove anything to anybody any more."

**annie**

You once promised me that when we were married you would not pick up Daisy Duck at a garden party

**JWinger**

I did?

**annie**

That's how I remember it

Actually it was a hotel bar. 

**(1 Remembering-face: JWinger)**

But still! I am holding you to that, out of respect for our marriage

As far as we know it was spelled out explicitly in our wedding vows. No seducing Daisy Duck.

**(1 Resigned: JWinger)**

**JWinger**

Very well. I will not seduce Daisy Duck.

"What's your combat action?" Abed asked Shirley.

"I'm just going to maintain the connection from the  _ witch bolt _ , which deals… five damage, this round," Shirley replied.

Abed nodded tightly. "Fej and Crumples each take eight damage from the monster's undefined attacks."

"With the six damage from before, I'm down to… um, three hit points. Does that affect my performance?" Britta asked.

"No, it's completely unrelated," said Abed. "Unless you die. If you die in the game you die in real life."

A hush fell over the group for a couple of seconds.

"If your fictional character dies in the imaginary fight with the monster that isn't real, then your fictional character loses the capacity to interact with the pretend people of the made-up city," Abed clarified. "Dungeons and Dragons is just make-believe. It's not real. This session is even less real, if that's possible."

Everybody let out a simultaneous relieved sigh.

"Had us worried for a second there, buddy," Troy said as his phone buzzed with another message from Ashley. He glanced down at his, read the text, smiled. "Yeah." He chuckled. "Yeah."

Abed was reading his phone, too, and nodding thoughtfully. "Ector, you and Della are walking uptown. She's holding the daffodil you gave her lightly in her left hand, with her right hand swinging near yours, as though she were trying to tempt you into taking it. The sunset streams down behind you, casting the street into golden light as you walk along. The little boutiques and sidewalk cafes have given way to posh restaurants with outdoor seating, cloth tablecloths, pitchers of fresh-squeezed fruit juice adulterated with exotic liqueurs. There's a distant cacophony of birdsong, a whole aviary's worth on someone's roof somewhere nearby."

"Sounds nice," Troy said.

"What are they wearing?" Shirley asked. "So we can picture it."

"Ector is in his blue cloak of office, since he's still an Imperial agent," Troy said. "Under that he's got on a contemporary suit, with like a mandarin collar? Pea green, which would be a bad color except it really complements the powder blue of his cloak."

"Della is wearing a soft gray turtleneck sweater and a decorative headpiece faintly reminiscent of her usual pilot goggles," Abed said. "And black pants."

"She's wearing pants?" Jeff asked, surprised.

"Pants and skirts are permitted in  _ Duck Tales," _ Abed said. "They're common on female characters. Della is wearing pants. Her artificial leg is mostly concealed."

"I tell her she looks nice," Troy said.

"Della smiles at the compliment," Abed said.

"I invite her to tell me more about herself," Troy said. " 'I feel like I know you, but I don't really know anything about you. I definitely want to get to know you better.' "

"She likes that," Abed said. "Anyway, you arrive at the garden party. What's your combat action?"

Troy blinked, shifting gears. "Crumples is looking ragged, right?  _ Cure wounds  _ on Crumples. And now I'm out of spells." He rolled. "Oh, ten points of healing, nice."

"And Crumples, you're up," Abed said.

"Okay, it seems like everybody is converging at the party? Crumples will cartwheel away from the kiddies and join the grown-ups. Did I hear there were drinks?"

"Champagne cocktails and sangria," Abed said. "You can help yourself to a drink from a tray."

"Cool, sangria," Britta said. "Anything to munch on? Edibles?" she asked hopefully.

"Nah." Abed shook his head. "There's supposed to be a buffet but it's not set up yet. Webby and the nephews are still trailing behind you. Huey is barking questions. 'Miss Crumples! Where did you get your degree? Was it a wizarding school or a four-year bard college? Were there parties? Did you get invited to parties?' That kind of thing."

**annie**

He does a good Huey voice

**(1 Agree: JWinger)**

**JWinger**

I mean, I'll take your word for it since as you may recall my position is

I've never seen the show

"Can I not ditch them? Ugh, what am I saying, I've seen the show, obviously I can't get rid of them." Britta scowled. "I'll keep moving though, like, I'm trying to escape them. Maybe one or more of them will get the hint."

"And for combat?"

"Um, I'll try  _ Tasha's hideous laughter  _ I guess?" Britta sounded doubtful.

"Did you get a new spell when you leveled up?" asked Shirley.

Britta nodded dismissively. "Yeah, but being able to put  _ magic mouths  _ on nearby walls isn't going to help us…  _ hideous laughter, _ final answer."

"I'm up, right?" Jeff asked. "I grab Webby and tell her not to harass clowns. It could be dangerous. We don't know where that clown has been."

" 'Oh, darling, don't worry, we're all friends here,' says Magica deSpell's disembodied voice," said Abed. "Everyone looks around, and then poof! She appears in a puff of purple smoke."

"Are people panicking or applauding?" Jeff asked, which was (to Annie's mind) an extremely cogent and sexy question for him to think to ask.

"Applauding."

"Then I applaud too," Jeff said, "but I give Webby an eye, like, you need to behave." 

Abed had Jeff make a Perception check, for some reason. He rolled low, and _dominated_ _Carmen_ into another attack, which was a miss. Was it wrong of her to find _dominate Carmen_ kind of hot, even if they didn't actually say the words out loud? Just as an abstract concept? And calling him 'sir' to see him squirm was…fun…and yet she'd concluded that she didn't like him calling her 'good girl'? Ugh, it was a lot to think about and her initiative was up.

"What do I know about Magica deSpell?" Annie asked. "Anything?"

Abed shrugged. "Whatever you want. You can definitely recognize that Fej and Webby, and the other player-characters and Ducks, are somehow more familiar and important and significant than everybody else in the city. Magica's in that group, as is her husband Scrooge—"

"Wait, now  _ they're  _ married?" Shirley demanded.

"It's his garden and her party," Abed said mildly. 

Annie considered. "Well, he definitely needs someone to convince him to spend his money on garden parties instead of just swimming around in it all day. But this whole scene feels like it's building up to something. Carmen's hackles are up. She's looking around, trying to identify the threat."

"Roll Perception."

Annie's result was pretty good, but all she saw was the Regent's guard, who were scattered around the neighborhood and at the exits of the party, nothing unusual there. Magica was more interested in telling funny stories about how she used to hunt Scrooge for sport on a desert island, and less interested in picking a fight. But she hit the monster twice, for a total of twenty-two damage, so that was something.

"Shirley, you spot Donald's sister Della arriving with her date," Abed said a moment later. "That's presumably the end of the guest list, as the Regent's guards move to block a small knot of decadently-clad city folk from sliding in past them."

"They're blocking the exits?" Britta asked.

"They seem to be more focused on keeping riffraff out," Abed said.

"Míriel notices this," Shirley announced. "She sidles away from her little group of admirers and approaches Della and Ector, full of effusive greetings for the both of them. Míriel always thought there was a little something between them, and now look at you, holding hands like a couple of…like a couple."

Troy looked perturbed. "Wait, no, we aren't—"

"I think you were about to ask a question about the past?" Shirley smiled.

"Shirley makes a good point," Abed said. "Della laughs lightly and elbows Ector in the ribs, in a manner consistent with substantially more familiarity than the two of them had displayed on the way to the party." His phone buzzed, presumably with another message from Ashley, and he paused to read it. "Della's sweater has a blue-and-green brooch prominently positioned that coordinates with Ector's outfit, which would have to have been arranged in advance."

"This is a dangerous power to be giving Shirley or anybody," Troy warned.

As Shirley smiled in a manner either impish or smug, Annie couldn't tell, Abed consulted his notes and requested another Perception check from both her and Troy. "And I assume Ector is attacking and Shirley is siphoning energy through the  _ witch bolt _ , right?"

Whatever the Perception checks were for, Troy and Shirley rolled too badly to perceive it. And then it was Britta's turn.

"Okay, first off, you said that the garden has two entrances, a front and a back, right? And there are cops at both?" Britta asked. She was sitting up straight in her chair and leaning forward slightly.

"The Regent's personal guard aren't a police force, exactly," Abed said. "But yes."

"There must be at least one door, probably two or three, into the manor house from the garden, right? And at least one of them was standing open, before, with servers taking trays back and forth and people going to the bathroom and stuff," Britta said carefully. "Are there cops there now, too?"

Abed blinked. "Yes."

Britta cried out in alarm. "Shit. I've got to get the kids out of here. They're about to raid!"

"What?" Jeff asked.

"I go to the two cops at the back exit and just, boom,  _ charm person  _ one of them. 'I need to get something out of my car,' I say to him."

"What?" Jeff repeated.

Abed rolled a die. "The one you didn't charm starts to say that this exit is closed and you'll have to go out through the building, but then the one you did charm interrupts and says sure, sure, and lets you through. The one you didn't charm isn't thrilled but doesn't care enough to intervene."

"Great. Webby and the boys are still following me, right?" Britta nodded to herself. "As soon as we're out I break into a run and get around a corner and then another corner, quick as I can. Two corners before we slow down and we don't stop moving."

"Okay," said Abed. "Everybody else: the lights go out and a bunch more of the Regent's guards suddenly pour out of the manor house. Fej, it's your action."

"Wait, Britta was right?" Jeff asked, more than a little incredulous.

"Yeah, duh. Like I've never gotten kids out of a police raid before," Britta scoffed.

"They're not police, they're the Regent's private army," Abed said.

"Wow, great. Fej looks around, sees Carmen, doesn't see Webby. So I tear around trying to find her, shouting her name, demanding the guards help me, she's just a little girl—"

"The guard you try to get to help you grunts out something about how you're all a bunch of sickos," Abed said.

"Yeah, well, then Fej steps aside so his wife can break the guy's nose," Jeff said.

Annie smiled. "Yes, sir."

About five extremely confused rounds of combat followed, as the garden party degenerated into a general brawl with the Regent's mercenaries on one side and the partiers and their Duck allies on the other, with a host of half-naked drunken revelers scattered throughout. What made it confusing rather than just unwieldy was that they were still fighting the undefined monster at the same time. 

Then the garden party brawl ended and that half of the game went back to weird narration, as the Regent's mercenaries proved to have an effectively infinite number of reinforcements available. Eventually all the important characters were subdued and hauled off to some kind of courtroom, except for Crumples and the Duck children, who had escaped due to Britta's quick thinking.

Jeff was trying to argue with the magistrate, a bored woman in what Abed described as "sexy judicial robes" who explained that the whole group of them were well-known revolutionaries and terrorists, and that the whole garden party had been a ruse to draw them together for capture.

" 'But that doesn't make any sense, because Scrooge and Magica are both here, with us!' Fej points behind him. They're still there, right?" Jeff asked Abed.

Abed nodded tightly. " 'Yes, they're two of the worst of the lot,' the judge says languidly. She's leafing through a packet of papers that relate to a different case she finds more interesting than yours. 'What's your point?' "

Jeff sighed. "Congratulations, Abed, your fictional judge is even more frustrating than most of the real ones. I yield the remainder of my time to Annie."

"Right. I'm looking around for something I can use to get out of here," Annie said to Abed.

"Roll Perception," Abed said.

"Nineteen."

"You spot some movement up above. In the room's rafters, now that you're alerted to it, you can see small figures scooting around on the beams. Four young ducks and a gnome."

Annie nodded tiredly. She'd have been more surprised if she hadn't just heard Britta describe herding the kids up there. "I assume I know Webby when I see her. She's my daughter, after all."

"Sure," said Abed.

"I flash her the be-cool signal," Annie told him.

"We have a family be-cool signal?" Jeff asked.

"Well, Webby and I do," Annie said. "It's a girl thing."

**JWinger**

Are you just trying to have a better relationship with your daughter than your mother had with you?

Annie let out an involuntary little squeak, because that was unfair, because she was in the middle of her turn and he was free to just switch windows and type.

"You give her the be-cool signal," Abed repeated. "She'll be very cool. She signals back the I-will-be-very-cool signal."

"Great. Also I attack," said Annie. She rolled her three attacks (one per usual, one from her frenzy, and one from  _ dominate Carmen) _ and dealt another thirty points of damage to the undefined monster, who at this point had taken more damage than an ancient red dragon could withstand, probably twice over.

"Now, Moving on to Shirley," Abed said.

"Finally," grumbled Shirley, which seemed unfair, Annie's turn hadn't taken that long. She swapped over to the private chat.

**annie**

**@JWinger** Mmmaybe 

**(1 Blush: annie)**

I mean who's to say

Do you think we get to keep her after this adventure is over?

**JWinger**

Probably not

**(1 Shrug: JWinger)**

We can try if you want, I'm game

Reminder, though: Carmen and Fej are not actually married

**(1 Bells: annie)**

**annie**

They may as well be

When you know, you know

**(1 Thoughtful-nod: JWinger)**

Besides they are fictional characters who dance to our whims

**JWinger**

I could have been making Carmen dance this whole time?!

**(1 Tongue-stuck-out: annie)**

Distracted by the messaging, Annie missed all but the tail end of Shirley's turn. Something about Miriel demanding special treatment and consideration based on her status as a technical demigoddess or something. 

"Now see, was that so hard?" Shirley was saying. "That's all Míriel is asking for, is a little consideration."

"Fine," Abed said. "Ector's up. Literally and figuratively. It's his turn to speak, and also he's next in the initiative order."

"We get it," Annie assured him.

"If they're still a couple Ector gives Della's hand a quick squeeze before he gets up," Troy said. 

"Oh," Shirley said sadly, "did you break up and we missed it?"

"What? No," Troy said.

"Oh, that's nice to hear," Shirley said brightly.

"Anyway," Troy said, "Ector gets up and makes a speech about how this is all bullshit and trumped-up charges because none of this is real, we're in some kind of weird magical trap dimension thing, is his theory. Can I roll Persuasion?" Not waiting for a response, he rolled a die. "Twenty-four… twenty-seven with the bardic inspiration Crumples gave me, if I can use that."

"Your powerful argument…" Abed trailed off, rolled dice. "Your argument succeeds in attacking the core assumptions of this fictive demiplane. Reality begins to rebuild itself around you. Also the monster is down to single-digit hit points and it's getting late."

"Especially on Eastern time," grumbled Shirley. Annie could relate. Jeff too, maybe.

"The walls of the courthouse shake," Abed declared. "Everybody up in the rafters has to cling with both hands for safety. Then it subsides, as the judge rises from her seat, smooths out her robes, and makes an arcane gesture that somehow bolsters local reality against Ector's psychic assault."

"I did a what now?" Troy asked.

"Britta, it's your turn."

"We throw pies at the judge!" Britta cried excitedly. "Me and Webby and Huey and Dewey and Phooey!"

"And that works, for some reason," Abed said. "Jeff, what happens next? Wrap it up for us."

Jeff sat up. "Huh? Uh. Well, first off, Crumples and the kids get down to the same level as everybody else. The ceiling collapses and they ride the debris down as it evaporates…"

"Good, good," Abed said.

"Nobody's hurt," Jeff continued. "The people who aren't us start turning to glitter the same way we've seen them do before, and the walls and objects all start to do the same thing, until we're standing in a flat, open space."

"The same flat, open space where we've been fighting the undefined monster?" Annie suggested.

"The very same," Jeff said, grinning for a moment. "And the undefined monster is there, bleeding from the, I don't even  _ know  _ how many times Carmen and Ector cut into it."

"What does the undefined monster look like?" Britta asked. "I mean, did we ever find out?"

"I think it has to look like the judge," Jeff said. "In fact, it is the judge. In fact, the last volley of pies hits the judge and does just enough damage to kill the undefined monster."

"Which explodes," Annie added.

"Which explodes," Jeff agreed. "Leaving behind only, uh, a magic portal leading back to Casablanca. Or, no, hell, it's a magic portal back to Tarksas. Saves us the walk."

"Britta for the win!" cried Britta.

"And so it was," said Abed.

"Seriously?" Shirley looked dubious. "I'm not complaining," she added quickly. "Just… okay, that's that, I guess. Míriel steps through the portal."

"Donald and the nephews follow immediately behind," Abed said. "Donald's muttering something about how he wants to escape this cockamamie dreamland. Who's next?"

"Crumples, I guess? She'll herd all the Ducks through, if she can," said Britta.

Abed nodded. "Della pauses at the threshold and turns to Ector. 'So, once we're back in the real world, you want to get dinner or something?' she asks him. There's kind of a wistful, hopeful smile on her face."

"Ector chuckles. 'Sure, why not?' He walks through the gate with her. Or right behind her, whichever feels better in the moment. Right behind, I guess?" He thought it over. "Right behind feels right. I don't think we were actually together except, like, retrospectively."

"Right behind," Abed repeated. "Great. Soon there's just the three of you still on the plane. Carmen, Fej, and Webbigail. Webby turns to you both. 'Mom, Dad, I'm scared. What's happening? What's about to happen?' She looks up at you with big, searching eyes."

"Fej squats down so he's at her eye level," Jeff said quickly, "and tells her, 'it's going to be okay, honey. Your mother and I are going through with you, we'll be right here.' Then I stand up, and take one of her hands."

"Carmen leans down too," Annie added, "and gives Webby a quick hug as she whispers that she loves her. Then she takes Webby's other hand, and all three of them go through the portal together."

"Aw," Shirley said. "That's sweet."

"End of session," said Abed.

"We're keeping Webby," Annie told him.

"Yeah, I got that," he replied. "End of session."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Bethanyactually and Amrywiol and everybody who has left kudos and/or comments. Comments are great! I love comments. And kudos are so easy. So, so easy. You just click on the button, you don't even have to pay anything!


	16. A little narrative and everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: contains some relatively explicit discussion of sex, though not actual sex. Just people talking about it. I'm pretty sure it's nothing that couldn't air on network television but it's one level more explicit than my usual output (which is extremely mild), so, be warned. Hence this fic moving from "unrated" to "T for Teen."
> 
> Thanks to Bethanyactually and Amrywiol.

Day 36 (Saturday)

Jeff could tell she had something on her mind. She'd had something on her mind all day. He hadn't said anything at first, because generally when she wanted to talk to him about something, she just started doing it; and since she hadn't, he wasn't going to force the issue. Then he started to get the sense that she needed him to push her about it, whatever it was, and he didn't immediately speak up because he thought surely he was mistaken, and then it felt like he'd missed his window.

Now it was after dinner. They'd been online most of the day—eight hours, on and off, since early that morning when they'd worked out together, first thing. Annie as his workout partner turned out to be exactly the thing he needed to convince himself not to give up working out as ultimately pointless and a waste of energy. He was grateful for that.

But now it was after dinner. They'd decided to order in, and his Chinese food had arrived almost a full hour before hers, and she'd told him not to be silly, just go ahead and eat it, it was getting cold and how about they ended the call and she called him back after she'd gotten hers and finished it, and of course neither of them had moved to actually end the call. So he'd had cold General Tso's and she'd had somewhat warmer General Tso's, eventually, and frankly the whole thing kind of made for a funny story and he couldn't even pretend he was bothered about it.

It was raining where she was (it seemed to rain a lot there) and her living room had started to get dark, until he suggested she turn on a lamp, just so he could see her. She'd gotten up to do that, and then she'd stayed up, to make herself a drink, which had prompted him to get up and make one. When he sat back down where they could see one another he was mildly surprised to see that she had something golden in her glass, not her usual boxed wine.

"Is that scotch? Or scotch and Drambuie?" he asked. 

"You know this drink is called a rusty nail?" She proffered up the glass for his inspection. "I've got the stuff here, and I thought I'd give it another try. Maybe I just need a couple of tries to decide I like it. Maybe it just seems like a good drink for an evening with Jeff Winger."

"Well, you're welcome." Jeff watched her take a careful sip. He debated suggesting they watch something on Netflix—Annie always seemed to gravitate towards Netflix, despite the many other streaming services out there—but then, she did have something on her mind. So instead he just sipped his own drink and admired how absurdly good-looking she was, even as dressed-down and cosmetics-free as she was. 

"You know, I never saw you like this back at Greendale," he said, when she didn't immediately start unburdening herself. 

"I know," she said evenly, looking him in the eye. "Back then I wasn't the cool scotch-drinking girl you could drink scotch with. Even this scotch with training wheels on." She indicated her glass.

He grinned, briefly. "No, I mean, back at Greendale you were always extremely carefully put-together. Even early in the morning, or in the middle of the night. I think it was senior year before I saw you without any lip gloss."

Annie looked confused. "Huh?"

"And look at you now. Your hair, lack of makeup, your outfit doesn't have shoes and skirt and tight sweater all matching…" Jeff gestured with his scotch glass in her general direction—in his webcam's general direction. She still looked confused and suddenly he was worried he was saying something offensive, that she might take it as him criticizing her appearance. "Not that you needed to…crap, you look nice. That's what I was trying to say. You don't need to get all fancied up for me, and you clearly know that, and…listen, can we just assume I was trying to say you look nice? You're very cute. I like the way you look."

She seemed to mull this over, like he was asking her for a substantial favor. "I guess," she said after a moment's thought. "I guess we can assume you were trying to say I'm cute and I look nice in a t-shirt and yoga pants."

"Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt," he said.

He expected she would respond by saying something positive about him, his abs or biceps perhaps, but instead she studied him intently for a few seconds, sipped her drink, and said "I want to tell you that story that you asked about."

Jeff couldn't guess what she was talking about, but he could tell that this was the whatever-it-was that had been on her mind all day. "Which story? You mean, what, the story of how you've been secretly keeping tabs on me for years?" he asked, smiling so she would know he wasn't serious. "Sneaking into my apartment while I'm out and using magic on my pillow to make sure I dream only of you?"

"Aw," she said, suddenly softening. "You dream only of me? That's sweet. But no." She straightened up, all business. "I'm talking about holding hands at Disneyland. You've asked me more than once."

"Holding hands at Disneyland?" he repeated. "Right. You did imply there was some kind of story to that. I feel like I can guess, though." He paused to clear his throat. "You're at Disneyland with your heart's desire, and Prince Charming holds your hand, and you gaze into each other's eyes, music swells, a turtle or a squirrel starts singing about the transformative power of true love… Am I way off base?" From her anxious expression he thought he might be.

"No. Well, yes. Kinda." Annie swallowed. "The thing is, though, if I…you need context. And, just to be clear, this isn't current. It's how I—how it it was, back at Greendale."

"Well, I was there." Jeff tried to project reassurance, because she seemed to need it. "Unless something happened after I left…?"

"No, no. That's not what I mean. But you know in high school, I didn't really…" For a moment he thought she was going to change her mind, change the subject, but then she hardened a little and pushed on. "When I came to Greendale I wasn't a virgin but I may as well have been." She ignored the discomfort that he felt flash across his face. "I'd had one boyfriend, and he was gay, and it was awful. And I'd been really sheltered. I didn't know anything and I didn't really know that there was anything to know, that I didn't know."

"Annie," Jeff said, "you don't need to tell me anything you're—"

She'd wrenched her gaze from him to something on the other side of her living room, focusing on that instead. "When I moved into the apartment I lived in, those first couple of years, before I moved in with Troy and Abed? It was above an adult bookstore, and silly me, I literally thought it was a bookstore. Just one that didn't stock coloring books or YA novels. I know, I know, that sounds so stupid, how could I not have known, but, I had a  _ very  _ sheltered childhood and the sign in the window said BOOKS in all caps! Big surprise, first time I went in with a list of textbooks I needed, just to see if I could get a better deal than at the campus bookstore. I thought the couple that ran the place must have been named Mr. and Mrs. Dildopolis, like, they were Greek?"

Jeff cleared his throat and tried to think of something to say. He tried, unsuccessfully, to avoid visualizing 2009 Annie, all sharp edges and pastels, navigating Dildopolis. Annie didn't wait for him, though.

"So I went in, silly teen Annie, and I took one look and…you know, I don't remember her name, 'Mrs. Dildopolis,' and oh my God I don't know why I assumed she was married to the guy there." Annie's eyes widened at the sudden realization. "I guess I thought if you worked at a pornography store with a man it must be because he was your spouse, which, okay,  _ that _ 's how naive I was, and I just never thought about it again. Ugh." Annie shook her head. "Poor Mrs. Dildopolis. She tried to be helpful but I cleared right out of there and didn't go back for six months."

"Sure," Jeff said. He tried to keep a neutral expression. He felt like a deer in headlights.

"More than six months, actually," Annie said, remembering. She looked down at the drink in her hand. "I went in there again in May."

Jeff remembered May of that year. The transfer dance. The start of the summer he'd spent avoiding her. He sighed, ashamed of himself all over again.

"In the intervening time," Annie continued. She stopped and stared at him through the webcam for a second. Then she looked away once more, and took a long drink of her scotch cocktail. "In that time I had learned that orgasms are a thing."

Jeff almost did a spit-take. He hadn't expected to hear Annie Edison use the word "orgasms" in a sentence…ever. Certainly not just then. Back when he'd had long involved conversations with an imagined version of her, that imaginary Annie Edison had sometimes gotten pretty explicit, but that was very different. He coughed and tried vainly to cover his shock.

Annie scowled, didn't look his way. She seemed to misinterpret his surprise. "Oh, you know," she said defensively. "I started seeing Vaughn halfway through the spring semester. He was nice, and attentive in a way you—in a way nobody else was, and I just threw myself at him. And obviously I didn't have any basis for comparison, but…he was  _ really good _ . At sex. His hands, his c-cock," she stumbled over the word, but forced herself to move on. "And his mouth especially."

She paused to take another large sip of her drink. He really wanted to interrupt her, and ask if this was really relevant to holding hands at Disneyland, and hopefully get her started talking about something else, anything else. But then, she had just accused him (the him of more than a decade ago, but still) of being inattentive, so he swallowed his rising anxiety and tried to listen calmly.

"And you know he was dumb as a post," she said. "Just, he was just stupid. I could barely carry on a conversation with him. But the sex was really good! He liked me, and he was sweet! Almost nobody had ever liked me before. So I tried to make myself believe that still waters ran deep. I almost moved to effing Delaware for him. If he could have somehow driven a U-Haul while simultaneously going down on me, I probably would have ended up marrying him."

There was a long pause. Annie's face was red. Jeff felt like it had been a really long time since he'd contributed anything to the conversation and he wanted her to know he was paying attention. Being attentive. So he cleared his throat and spoke. "But you came back to Greendale."

"Yeah," Annie said, turning her head back towards him on her screen, briefly. "And you remember how that worked out. You didn't want to date a nineteen-year-old with…no experience, and really obvious issues, no matter how badly she wanted you." Now that she'd said 'orgasm' in front of him she could just say anything.

Jeff shifted uncomfortably. He didn't want to derail whatever train Annie had so deliberately set up, but that framing wasn't accurate. "It wasn't that I didn't  _ want  _ to. But there were a lot of reasons not to pursue you, I was selfish and I would have hurt you, and—"

"Yeah, I know, we don't need to re-litigate that, that's not what I'm talking about," Annie said. She almost took another sip of her cocktail, but noticed that it was almost empty. She set it down carefully and slid the glass away, out of Jeff's sight. She had decided she was drunk enough, apparently. "But that's where I was when I went back to Dildopolis and I went to Mrs. Dildopolis, not her real name, and I asked her for help…masturbating." She seemed almost angry that she was forced to use that word. "I didn't phrase it like that. But, you know, what Vaughn had been doing for me, nobody else was going to be doing that for me, not for the foreseeable future, so I needed to learn to do it for myself. I—it doesn't matter. She sold me some stuff, a vibrator. And I went up to my apartment and I tried it out and…and I felt stupid and self-conscious and it didn't work. I mean, it vibrated like it was supposed to, I didn't get ripped off. It just didn't do anything for me."

"Annie," Jeff said, because she looked like she might start crying, "it's okay, you don't—"

"No, I—you know, I want you to know this. Unless—" She broke off suddenly and looked his way for the first time in a while, her expression stricken. "I'm sorry, oh God, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Jeff recognized this part, at least. He leaned further in, so his face filled her screen. "Hey, whoa, it's okay. If you want to say it, I want to hear it. If you want me to know it, I want to know it, too, but don't feel like you have to tell me anything you'd rather not."

Annie sighed, wiped her face. For hardly the first time that day, Jeff wished they were in the same room, just so he could put a reassuring arm around her. "I wanted to get out of my own head with it, so I went and looked at porn," she said. "Internet porn. Lots and _ lots  _ of internet porn."

Jeff could picture it, the image coming to mind unbidden. Annie, lonely and all by herself in her little room over Dildopolis, poring over web sites. Taking notes. Writing down performers' names that she liked, so she could search for them later. Making a list of unfamiliar terms. Annie Edison,  _ studying  _ porn.

"What I should have done was talk to Britta," she continued, "or Shirley. Either of them could have helped point me in the right direction. Instead I looked at a lot of…it tended to feature women heavily but was  _ not  _ produced with the female audience in mind. That stuff is there, you have to look in the right places but I was looking in the exact wrong places. And anyway, it wasn't smutty romance novels, which was what I actually needed, I just didn't know it because, again, totally naive and sheltered." 

He felt like he needed to say something. Jeff made a noise halfway between a sigh and a groan, because words had for once failed him. He rubbed his eyes, thinking of how she must have felt. Adrift.

"I mean, some of the porn was okay. Little bits here and there, it seemed like they were having fun," Annie continued. "I—" she suddenly laughed. "You remember the first time we played D&D, and I was Hector the Well-Endowed, and I—he fucked that, what was she, stable girl?"

"She was a pegasus dealer," Jeff said. "I remember that very well." He smiled a little, recollecting how much she'd surprised him. "You were very creative. And explicit."

She didn't quite smile back. Almost, though. "Well, that was just the highlights reel of the porn, is what that was." Annie sighed. "So what I should have done was find smutty—it doesn't matter. Porn wasn't doing what I needed it to do, so I decided I had to make up my own fantasy. And like everything else I did back then, I gave it a hundred and ten percent. There was a little narrative and everything."

Jeff leaned forward, because she seemed to be building to something.

"I always started with my wedding," she said. "The groom would turn to me and tell me how much he loved me and needed me, and we would kiss in front of all our friends, and there would be flowers and cake and hydrangeas. And then we went on our honeymoon, which was at Disneyland. And while we were walking under Sleeping Beauty's Castle into Fantasyland, towards the Dumbo ride, holding hands, you—the groom," she quickly corrected. She wasn't looking at him. "I mean, it wasn't really you. By then I knew the guy I was fantasizing about wasn't you, he was just a guy who looked like you. He wasn't really a guy, even, he was a prop… Sometimes it was Mark Ruffalo or Johnny Depp. Rich, a couple of times. We would be holding hands and then he turns to me and says he just can't wait one minute longer, and…" She sighed, again.

"So…by 'holding hands at Disneyland' you really meant 'sex at Disneyland'?" Jeff said slowly. It made more sense, he supposed, if you looked at it big-picture. At the time he'd thought, what, he'd thought that it must have been some holdover from her high school years, or something. Because of course, he'd still seen her as that eighteen-year-old who'd leaped out of bushes, who'd grabbed and kissed him to win a debate… He tried to keep his expression neutral, and pay attention to the woman in front of him. 

"It wasn't always sex at Disneyland," she was saying. "Not always. Sometimes we made it back to the hotel, or there was a limo that could pick us up right there for some reason, or…maybe we had the honeymoon suite at the castle." She shrugged. She was looking down at her feet. "The groom, whoever he was, was always extremely focused on how much he wanted me and how good he wanted me to feel. That was the most important part, that he wanted me."

Jeff nodded. He tried to ignore the pang of guilt, because this wasn't about him. Not just then.

"But anyway it wasn't really very long after that, I was talking to Britta and she kind of clued me in about other options online besides the…sites that I'd been visiting, written erotica and I found smutty romance novels and smutty fanfic and…" Annie swallowed, and was silent for a few seconds. "God, now I'm not sure why I wanted to tell you all that in the first place. I've never told  _ anybody  _ all of that."

Jeff blinked, nonplussed. "Didn't Abed—"

"Well, yeah, okay, I told 'Brent Underjaw'  _ some  _ of it when Abed catfished me. And I told Josh, and Travis, bits of it. But you're the first—the only—" She broke off, and looked up at him. She seemed folded up inside herself, like she was somehow taking up even less space than she usually did. 

He took a sip of his drink and tried to process all of that. "You told me once," he said, after a moment's reflection, "that you'd fantasized about marrying me dozens of times."

She chuckled nervously. "I did?" 

"Maybe hundreds? I don't recall." He shrugged. "At the time, it…" He trailed off. "At the time I didn't know the full context."

"And now you have it," she said with a rueful smile. "Now you know what I know."

"Thank you," he said, and meant it. He looked away, composing his words carefully in his head. He must have been silent for too long because he heard Annie clearing her throat (which sounded raw and wet like she was holding back tears) and then he had to start talking. "Thank you. You've given me something, just now, something special…I don't even know how to describe it. A look inside yourself, a piece of Annie Edison that nobody but me gets to see. I appreciate that. Telling me the whole story of holding hands at Disneyland, it turns out to be maybe the most intimate thing you could do over a webcam. Without undressing, I mean," he added.

She nodded silently, and leaned back in her seat. He did the same, and then they were just staring at each other through the webcam, again. They'd probably done this for hours, if you added it all up, just watching one another watch one another in silence that drifted among companionable, wistful, weighty, and amiable.

Then her smile became a little less wistful and a little more sly, and her eyes opened a little wider. "Undressing?" she asked. "Did you say undressing? I'm sorry, sir, what do you mean exactly?"

Now it was Jeff's turn to chuckle nervously. "Okay, yeah. You don't need to—okay."

"I don't need to do what, sir? What should I be doing?" Annie asked, a paragon of innocent concern. "Do you need me to undress for you, sir?"

Jeff threw up his hands, the expression on his face halfway between grin and grimace. "Annie! Please, that's enough…"

Her expression shifted like she'd flipped a switch. Suddenly she was grinning at him. "You like it," she told him, like he'd tried to deny it.

"I'm not going to pretend I don't think it's hot…up to a point," Jeff said doggedly, "when you do that schoolgirl act, but you're a smart, full-grown woman—"

"Full-grown?" Annie repeated, still grinning saucily. "I'm full-grown? Like corn?"

"I spent years in therapy coming to terms with how I felt about you," he retorted, "and you're really running the risk of prompting a backslide."

Annie held up a single finger, as if to signal 'one second."'I'm sorry, sir, you cut out for a moment there, what was that about my backside'?" she recited. "I'm done now. Sorry," she added, when she saw he wasn't smiling. 

Jeff let out a ragged sigh. "Seriously, Annie. You don't need to do that if you want to turn me on. You only need to do that if you want to turn me on while simultaneously hammering me with my latent self-loathing at having been so into you when you were way too young for me."

Annie looked somewhat abashed. "So I shouldn't call you 'sir'? I'm sorry, I didn't think it was making you feel  _ bad—" _

"I didn't say that. I didn't say 'never'," Jeff said quickly. Suddenly he was no longer certain of what his goal was. "It's just that…a little bit goes a long way."

She nodded, committing it to memory. "Resolved, then. A little bit, as a treat, now and then." A sudden thought struck her. "And while we're on the topic…please don't call me a good girl, either, okay? Not even a little."

"Huh?" Jeff was baffled.

"The other night, during the game," Annie said. "I was teasing you and you turned it around on me, called me a 'good girl.'"

Jeff nodded. "Okay." He had no memory of this, but he believed her.

"It's just, I know you didn't mean it like that, but 'good girl,' like, I'm a pet, or your property, something not fully human, and lesser, and…" She shook her head. "I don't like it," she said firmly.

"Okay."

"I know it may seem to you like it's of a piece with me calling you 'sir,'" she continued, "but in the one case it's me doing it, pretending, to mess with you, and in the other case it's you actually treating me that way…"

"Okay," Jeff repeated. "I don't…I'll avoid it in the future. Scout's honor."

She nodded, clearly relieved—this had meant a lot to her, apparently, even if Jeff didn't even remember the interaction that spurred it. Then she smiled. "And, you know,  _ I  _ never thought you were too old for me."

"I know," he replied. "That's part of what made it so hard."

"You're the same number of years older than me now," she observed. "Doesn't seem to bother you now. Not that I'm complaining."

"Half my age plus seven," Jeff said, "is your age. Just barely. According to the internet, that makes it okay."

"Well, you know you can trust the internet," Annie said solemnly. "I don't think they're allowed to put untrue things online."

"Speaking of the internet," Jeff said. "By which I mean, speaking of undressing…"

"Oh?" Annie made a little show of looking scandalized yet intrigued. She drained the last of her scotch cocktail.

Jeff smiled. "I'm already having second thoughts about bringing this up," he said, "but shit. I was telling Mark about you, last week—"

"You told him about me? Mark knows? What does Mark know?" Annie squinted at him, and he wasn't sure whether she was putting him on or if she was genuinely confused, at least a little.

"I told him about how you and I were online, exactly like this." He gestured at the space between them. "And how much time we were spending together, and our history…not all our history, obviously, it wasn't two days of deposition interview…and I told him how you were two thousand miles of… quarantine…away, and he suggested…" Jeff trailed off. There had to be a good way to phrase this, a way that didn't make him feel creepy for saying it. Probably not. Best to just drop it, change the subject.

Annie's eyes brightened. "What did he suggest? Does he think we should make dinner together without using meal kits? Chicken cordon bleu, or consommé, or…beef bourguignon?"

That's right, he'd told her about Mark. "I'm impressed you know three French dishes," he said.

"I don't actually know what beef bourguignon is," Annie admitted. "I assume there's beef involved at some stage. Is that it? Does Mark think we should make a nice French meal from scratch together?"

"Not that he's mentioned to me," Jeff said, still unsure just what she was thinking. "Although, now that I think about it, yes, probably he does think that. However, it's not what he suggested, that I am now regretting bringing up to you…"

"Well, I haven't exactly been on a hair trigger with you lately," she replied. "I mean, now I'm really getting curious because whatever it is—"

"Nudes," he blurted out. "Mark suggested I request you send nudes."

He heard her gasp. "Nudes?" She looked honestly scandalized. Or at least surprised.

"Yeah, and now, the reason I'm getting extremely embarrassed about this is because I don't want you to think that the conversation I had with Mark was anything but above-board." He finished his drink. Time for a refill. Not right this second, obviously, not while this was hanging over him. "I should have brought this up in a way that didn't mention Mark. Or not brought it up at all. Definitely that one. Shouldn't have mentioned it. I was just thinking about intimacy, and what you told me, and how it felt like you'd shared something really personal, and, that reminded me of what Mark said about…I don't remember exactly how he phrased it. Intimate."

Annie hummed thoughtfully. She wasn't enraged, at least. He hadn't seriously expected her to be enraged, of course, but it seemed more likely than an outcome where she actually sent him nudes. "There was a time when I would have responded to the request by taking some extremely awkward selfies and sharing them with you." She was looking off in the middle distance, speaking as if to herself. "Last week, week before… Really, now that I think about it, if you'd emailed me out the blue in February, before any of this had happened…?" She glanced his way and flashed a quick smile. "But now I  _ have  _ to say no."

"Okay," Jeff said immediately. "I respect your position." He briefly considered offering to send her his own nudes, to sweeten the deal, as Mark had suggested. But no.

"If you want to see me naked," Annie said, "you're going to have to be in the same room as me. That's the price." She sat primly, her hands on her knees. "I'll fly out to Denver. There are still flights. I'll take an uber to your apartment, I can do that," she said, as if convincing herself. "And you…let me in, and I stay with you. In the same room. Next weekend. As naked as you want." Her eyes were shining.

"Out of the question," Jeff said flatly.

The shine dropped abruptly from her eyes as her face tightened. "Do you not want…?"

"No, obviously, I…maybe not obviously." Jeff looked down at his feet. "I would love  _ nothing  _ more than that. To have you visit." He made himself look her firmly in the eye. "I want you  _ very much _ . I want to be where you are, so I could touch you and share your air. But maybe you haven't been following the news? There's a fucking global pandemic. With a disease that maybe has long-term complications, no known cure—"

"People generally recover!"

"Not always!"

Annie's jaw was set. "I'm willing to take that risk!"

"I'm not!" Jeff snapped. "If you fly here and you get sick—"

"Then I get sick! I get you sick! We get sick together!" She made an exaggerated shrug, a  _ whatever  _ gesture. "It's not the  _ most  _ romantic thing, but…"

He was shaking his head. "But there's a nonzero chance it gets bad. Hospital bad. ICU bad. Early grave bad. If that happens—"

She actually laughed, as if to say  _ you are so ridiculous it is comical to m _ e. "Jeff, you'll be fine—"

"You're not hearing me. It's not  _ me  _ I'm concerned about! I don't want  _ you  _ taking that risk!" he snapped. Jeff leaned back and looked away before continuing, trying to compose his thoughts. "If something happens to you and there was the smallest chance I could have—"

"Okay, but it's a very,  _ very  _ small risk." She wasn't laughing any more."You're talking about the differential between the scenario where I fly once—"

"Not once, twice! Unless you're planning on just staying here indefinitely!" he snarled. "Under other circumstances you would be  _ extremely  _ welcome, but there's a pandemic going on!"

"Of course I'm not suggesting I move in with you," Annie snapped, "although really, if there wasn't a lockdown and we were where we are, we'd probably be moving in that direction!"

"Yeah, probably!" Jeff retorted angrily.

"But what's the alternative?" she asked, an edge of irate condescension creeping into her tone. "Do you like thinking  _ oh we should be kissing  _ thirty times a day and not being able to do anything about it?"

Jeff scoffed. "Of course not! I would give  _ a lot  _ to be able to kiss you, touch you, rip your clothes off, but that's just not an option!"

"'Not an option'?" Annie repeated in a mocking tone, which he knew meant she was too angry to make a cogent counterargument. She closed her eyes and took a breath before proceeding. "So just, not an option? Do you really think we can just keep going on like this forever?"

"Not forever, but until this current global fucking crisis winds down a little—"

"Yeah!" she interrupted. "And when will that be?"

"I don't know!" he bellowed. "End of May, maybe! Or the end of June. Probably by the end of July…"

She let out a bark of mirthless laughter. "That's pretty iffy, Jeff. Maybe I don't want to wait around for an uncertain future. Maybe I'm not cool with just hitting pause on the relationship until it's more convenient to you—"

Jeff sputtered in incoherent protest. "That's, that's not— _ convenient  _ is not—oh, and we're in a relationship now?"

Annie made an exaggerated  _ who knows?  _ gesture. "Aren't we?"

Jeff's hand flew out of its own accord and knocked his tablet over. Cursing, he scooped it up and held it in front of his face with both hands.

"So what's your counterproposal, Jeff?" she demanded, while he was still trying to—not even put together a sentence, just trying to form an idea. "You want to come here? Fly to Florida?"

"Annie!" Jeff gritted his teeth.

"I mean, you'd be super welcome! I'd greet you at the door in lingerie and lead you gently to my bed! I'll ply you with scotch! And blowjobs! And—!" If she said something else it drowned in a growl of rage.

"Annie!" Jeff said, or tried to, through gritted teeth. The two of them glared at one another for what felt like minutes. "No," he said, as soon as he felt calm enough to speak again. "I can't do that. It's the same set of issues if I get it flying and infect you, as if you get it flying. That's a risk I won't take. You're too important." 

Annie took a breath, held it a fraction of a second, slowly exhaled. "Well, I'm coming to Denver. You literally can't stop me."

Jeff scowled, but said nothing.

"I'll send you my flight information," she continued, "and when I get to your apartment building I'll buzz and if you want me to just sit on the sidewalk outside for days, then I guess I'll do that." She folded her arms and shot him a pugnacious look, daring him to try to argue it further.

He took the dare. "What if I drive instead?"

Her smug, angry demeanor dropped like a mask. "What?" She looked baffled.

"It's a three-day drive," he said. "I can stay isolated if I drive, stay in the car."

She blinked. "Where will you sleep?" And he knew he had her.

"I'll sleep in the car," he said with rising confidence. "I'll eat at drive-throughs. I'll leave tomorrow and I'll be there by the end of Tuesday."

"Are you serious?" She might have been trembling. 

He felt like he was about to collapse, himself. "I'm completely serious," he said. "Yahoo Serious," he added, which got him a smile. 

"That's a long drive," she said slowly. "That's a long time to be in the car by yourself."

"It's safer than flying."

"Is it? If you fall asleep behind the wheel—"

"Then worst-case scenario, I'm in a horrible accident and you're  _ not  _ exposed to the coronavirus as a result."

She smiled weakly. Suddenly she looked as tired as he felt.

Jeff was still holding his tablet in both hands. He held it as close as he could. "If I do that, will you stay in place and wait for me?"

Annie swallowed nervously, picked up her empty glass, set it down again. "You would do that?"

"I'd do more than that for you," he said. "For you I'd go anywhere, you know that. Even Florida."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this far. I know this chapter didn't have, like, *any* Dungeons and Dragons in it, but I hope it was still enjoyable. Also, again, I love comments so much, thanks everybody who's left a comment, and kudos are so easy and fun to give.


	17. A stupid rule

Day 37 (Sunday)

Of course 'tomorrow' would have been a stretch. Jeff had a lot to do before he could leave, especially given that he would be gone for an unknown amount of time. Annie supposed it was possible, just barely, that he would get there and somehow it would be bad and he would turn around and leave again after a day or a few days, but she didn't really think that was likely. No, he was coming to stay—at least until the end of the global pandemic, however many more weeks it was.

Unless of course he changed his mind, decided that it was too much of a risk. But she'd warned him that if he didn't come to her, she'd go to him. And of course she knew he didn't want to disappoint her. 

They talked about it over coffee, after a morning workout. Jeff made a list of preparations, and Annie talked him through it, pointing out that he would need to do something about his potted plants (plant, as it turned out; Jeff had exactly one, a spider plant grown from a shoot Annie herself had given him years ago) and something about his mail (they agreed that the most logical thing to do was put a hold on his service, though Annie expected forwarding would ultimately be involved). They decided it made the most sense to aim for him leaving on Tuesday. She was adamant that he not try to do it in two days, and she got more pushback on that than she'd expected. He didn't seem to care about risk if it was only to him, and she had to point out how heartbroken she'd be if he were in a car crash and tell him that she'd rather have him one day later than not at all. She tried to claim that if he showed up too early she wouldn't let him into her house, but he could tell immediately that was an empty threat.

And then there was nothing for it but to end the call, because Jeff had stuff he needed to do and Annie was supposed to chat with Shirley. As soon as she'd hung up Annie leaped from her sofa and danced around, feeling ridiculously, gloriously joyous.

After Sunday was Monday and then Tuesday and then Wednesday and then most of Thursday and then sometime Thursday probably around dinnertime…

He was coming.

He was coming!

**HE WAS COMING!!**

**_J E F F W A S C O M I N G ! ! ! !_ **

* * *

**ShirleyB**

Happy Easter!

**(1 Angel: ShirleyB)**

**Britta**

Easter was last week

I know bc u told us

If u scroll up u will see it

**ShirleyB**

This is the second Sunday of Easter. The Easter season is fifty days long, culminating in the feast of Pentecost.

**(1 Yum:TroyBarnes)**

**TroyBarnes**

You guys get a feast?

**ShirleyB**

If I say yes will it get you to attend virtual services?

**TroyBarnes**

I forgot everything's virtual and streaming and junk, nm

**(2 Sunglasses: Britta, JWinger)**

**Good to see you, YES THAT ASHLEY.**

**YES THAT ASHLEY**

Hi! I thought it was getting to be weirder if I kept looking over T&A's shoulders without joining the server. I feel like I know all of you already, because I have been spying on you and secretly reading this channel, please don't be offended!

**(1 Pleading-face: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

**(4 Star-struck: annie, ShirleyB, Britta, TroyBarnes)**

**Britta**

**@YES THAT ASHLEY** Im sorry did u call them T&A?

**(3 Open-mouthed: Britta, annie, ShirleyB)**

You called them T&A

She called them T&A

I'm telling Frankie

**(1 Astonished: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

**YES THAT ASHLEY**

Was that never a thing? It seems so obvious!

**(1 Astonished: annie)**

**(3 Rofl: Britta, ShirleyB, YES THAT ASHLEY)**

**Britta**

**@JWinger** I know u r here u clicked on the sunglasses. We need to move tonight's call to tomorrow same time

**JWinger**

**@Britta** Ok

**(1 Sunglasses: Britta)**

**@Britta** There's also an online indicator on the right.

**(1 Sunglasses: Britta)**

**@Britta** You could just email me. Or DM. Or text. Or call.

**(1 Sunglasses: Britta)**

**Britta**

**@JWinger** sunglasses emoji

I am too cool to let you bother me

Sunglasses emoji

**(1 Sunglasses: Britta)**

**annie**

**@YES THAT ASHLEY** I have so many questions! Like how did you guys meet & how are you & what do you do when there isn't a worldwide pandemic crisis & maybe we can compare notes about living with the guys

**(1 Thumbs-up: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

That is what I called them: the guys

**(1 Rofl: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

**YES THAT ASHLEY**

**@annie** I know the answers to most of those questions! Maybe I can sit in next time you're chatting with T or A?

With one of the guys?

See I am using your lingo

Please like me

See I am using self-deprecating humor to paper over the awkwardness

So you should totally like me

**(1 jazz-hands: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

**Britta**

**@YES THAT ASHLEY** You know I used to live with Abed too

**annie**

**@Britta** You were high that whole year.

**Britta**

**@annie** You're not wrong

* * *

"Hey chief, what's up?" Mark looked tired, but then he always looked tired. Tired and wizened beyond his years, like he was a forest gnome who'd hung up his red cap and gone to culinary school, followed by law school, and who now had a very comfortable life in the suburbs but still on summer nights he looked out over the firefly fields and remembered his bygone childhood. "You getting out okay? You going on walks? Eating, sleeping, all that stuff?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going on walks. Listen, there's been a development in the—I need to take a trip," Jeff said shortly. He'd started the sentence planning on being cool, but then he remembered that it was Mark and he didn't need to be cool, Mark was already so uncool that anyone standing near him looked cool by comparison. Back in the old days they'd leveraged that dynamic deliberately to make Jeff look better to juries.

"Okay, interesting, you need to take a trip." Mark nodded slowly. "I'm gonna have to repeat my question, though: what's up?"

"I don't know how long I'm going to be but I'll bring my laptop with me and I should be able to work remotely there as easily as I do here. You won't notice I'm gone. No change on your end except the time I'm unavailable because I'm driving."

"Okay," Mark said again, thoughtfully. "How long a drive is it? What days will you be unable to get on calls?"

"Probably Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday. Maybe Wednesday-Thursday-Friday if I don't manage to leave until then."

"Three days," noted Mark. "You're going to Florida. Don't look so surprised," he added, off what must have been a flustered expression on Jeff's face. "I'm not an idiot. You told me about your lady friend a couple of weeks ago, and the only other possibility is your mother in Arizona, and Scottsdale is only one day away."

Jeff sighed. "I know, it's not a good time—"

"Well, there's not going to be a good time, chief, not until the lockdown is over. Don't know when that'll be. I've heard mid-May, I've heard first of June, I've heard  _ get used to the new normal because this will be the coronavirus summer. _ No knowing. You've got the usual gang of idiots making these decisions…" Mark shook his head. "But all that means is that if you go, you're going for the duration."

"I…yeah, probably." Jeff looked away from his screen, and his eyes slid again to the framed headline memorializing his and Annie's debate triumph. He'd have to bring that with him, just in case. He wouldn't want to lose it.

"Well, that's great," Mark said affably. "I mean, I'd say we'll all miss you, but it won't actually make a difference, your being out of town. And we can figure out what we're doing when all this is over, when it's over. Until then you formally have my permission to work remotely from Florida. I'll back you up if any of the other partners complain."

"Thanks, boss," Jeff said with a bit of chagrin. It actually hadn't occurred to him that there might be a problem. 

'If you do end up moving permanently out there, then you'll have to let me throw you a going-away party," Mark continued. "I'm bringing this up now because I expect that when the time comes you'll want to beg off, say you've been basically living in Florida with Jenny Sparks for however many months, that it's just a formality and you don't want to memorialize it with ceremony, that's what the wedding is for, and then I complain because you're having the wedding in Florida and I don't want to go to Florida—"

"Mark!" Jeff rubbed his eyes. "First off, her name is Annie—"

"Annie Edison, that's right." Mark nodded. "Girl detective. Judy to your Nick, I remember."

Jeff felt like the conversation was rapidly getting away from him. Usually when he was talking to Mark he felt confident he was in the driver's seat. "You know the fox and the bunny aren't actually a romantic couple, in the movie, right?"

"They aren't?" Mark looked up at his ceiling and squinted. "Are you sure? I thought they got together at the end…"

"The producers decided to make it ambiguous to give them as much wiggle room as possible when they wrote the sequel," Jeff said weakly. "Please don't ask me how I know that."

Mark laughed. "Aw, Jeff, ya big nerd. Listen, I gotta go, I have a soufflé, but good luck, buddy! We should have a long conversation where you tell me a little more about her than that she's a paralegal in Florida you met at community college a decade ago. So keep in touch! By which I mean, I expect you to continue to be my employee at least for a while yet. I need you to rewrite a reply brief James screwed up—speaking of, I'll email it to you. I know, you don't like it and you're bad at it but we both know you're still better than James. Mark out!" He stabbed his keyboard triumphantly, then deflated slightly when the call didn't end. "Dang it. Bye," he grumbled, and successfully ended the call on his second try.

Jeff sat for a moment, and sighed. "That could have gone a lot worse," he mused. "Two more minutes and I would have told him about the send-nudes thing."

* * *

"…but if we're able to help, and we are, we've been blessed, so I said to Mabel, I said…" Shirley trailed off. "Annie, are you okay?"

"Huh? What? Yes. Yes!" Annie nodded and sipped her coffee. "You were telling me a Mabel story."

"Yes…" Shirley's eyes narrowed. "You got something on your mind? You're vibrating."

"Oh, well, I maybe have had too much coffee is all," Annie said. "You know how it is, you get up and you have a cup and then you want another cup…" She could hear herself speaking faster and faster, but couldn't seem to slow down. "And then it's lunchtime and you're having another cup and at that point why not just finish the pot?"

"Uh-huh," Shirley grunted, clearly dubious.

"I was thinking I should get an espresso machine though, especially since—" Annie broke off, full of a nervous energy that had little to do with caffeine. "They're supposed to be…good," she said carefully.

Shirley looked at Annie like Annie was a puppy who'd chewed up the remote control, or a toddler who'd hidden her father's glasses.

It was impossible to hold it in any longer. Annie felt she would burst. "Can you keep a secret?" she asked Shirley.

Shirley nodded. She leaned forward attentively, ready to hear whatever gossip Annie would dish.

Annie took a breath and tried to compose her thoughts. "I've been talking to Jeff a lot," she began.

"Oh, believe me," Shirley assured her, "we're all aware." Seeing Annie look miffed, Shirley smiled. "You two aren't as subtle as you probably think. It's not as though Jeff has gone on in the discord about how sexy  _ Míriel  _ is. Not that I'm complaining, mind you, it's just, between Míriel and Carmen, one has a Charisma of eighteen and the spells to back it up, and the other is basically just a greatsword support and delivery system."

Annie blushed. "Well—"

"And really, Crumples should be cuter than Carmen, too, if you look at the numbers, but somehow it's  _ your  _ character that he follows around like a moon-eyed teen boy, using his action to give you an extra attack instead of making one his own damn self." Shirley scowled, remembering something. "Does Jeff even have a weapon?"

"I'm not sure," Annie admitted. Very briefly she considered explaining  _ dominate Carmen, _ because if anyone she knew was going to get that, it would be Shirley. Shirley had sent her plenty of Amazon links to 99-cent ebooks of highly explicit "romance novels" over the years. But it didn't seem like Shirley was in the mood for it, just now.

"So he just throws you at his problems, which is fun for you, I'm sure." Shirley sighed. "It's fine. It's not a big deal. It's fine. You're a great team, you always were. I'm sure you're both going crazy, what with being so far apart…you're doing it again."

Annie wasn't completely sure what 'it' was, but it didn't matter. "Don't tell anybody, because I think we want it to be a surprise—and we actually didn't talk about that, which is kind of weird, we should have, it just—we had a lot of other stuff to talk about, we'll have to talk about it later, but in the meantime let's assume I shouldn't be telling anybody—" she paused for breath, and beamed. "Jeff is driving here!"

Shirley looked appropriately stunned. "What? How did you manage that?"

"I threatened to fly to Denver!" Annie replied smugly.

"Oh, wow. Is he driving now?" Shirley blinked, still processing it. "That's a long way…"

"He's leaving the day after tomorrow! He's got to get ready!" Annie felt giddy, saying it out loud. "We just decided last night," she added, a bit more calmly.

"Well," Shirley said. "Well…congratulations! And good luck!" She laughed. "I figured you two were just…sinning it up, sexting and sending nudes back and forth, more sinning, naked video calls, dirty talk, more sinning…" She sighed in a way that seemed almost wistful. "Good for you! How long is he planning to stay?"

Annie sucked in air through her teeth. "We're not sure," she admitted. "Assuming everything's going well? A while." She leaned forward and spoke in hushed tones, even though there was no one else there. "If it goes really well, then maybe…?" She sat up straighter. "I mean, I'm not getting ahead of myself, I know there's a lot of ways it could go wrong, I'm not some starry-eyed child—"

"Oh, Annie, you don't need to tell me that," Shirley assured her. "I only have one piece of advice, if you want it."

Annie nodded expectantly.

"No-fault divorce is legal in Florida," Shirley said in her sweetest voice, "and it's better to have the protections if you're cohabitating than to not have them."

Annie opened her mouth to tell Shirley that was  _ way premature, _ but instead she closed her mouth again and nodded. "Thanks, Shirley," she said a moment later. "That's good advice."

* * *

Day 38 (Monday)

"So first off, hi. Second, why did we need to reschedule?" Jeff asked grumpily.

"Hi, yeah, whatever," Britta said, gesturing vaguely. "What's the matter, are you missing  _ Law and Order  _ or something?"

" _ Law and Order  _ is off the air," Jeff said, "and no. But I was stuck working all day—"

"Work?" Britta put her hands on her cheeks,  _ Home Alone  _ style. "Oh! How tragic!"

Jeff ignored her. "So I didn't get some stuff done that I wanted to, and I need to get that stuff done no later than noon tomorrow, so we're going to have to cut this short."

"Seriously though," Britta said, "if you need to bail you can, we can talk tomorrow—"

"I can spare a few minutes. And I'm going to be busy tomorrow, is the thing," Jeff said. "Rest of the week, probably. I might miss the D&D game."

"What? Don't you dare!" Britta scowled at him.

"You missed a session, why can't I miss a session?" Jeff countered. He didn't really care, but arguing was the easiest kind of interaction to have with Britta, in his experience. Bickering just came naturally.

"I missed a session because I found out I had a girlfriend, Jeff," Britta reminded him. "If you all of a sudden have a girlfriend, then you can be excused."

"I'll bear that in mind," Jeff muttered.

"Not that you're going to meet anybody holed up in your apartment," Britta continued. "You go for walks, right?"

"Why do people keep…?" Jeff nodded tiredly. "I go for walks, yeah."

"Okay, good. Now, I'm sure you're wondering why I needed to move this to today instead of yesterday. Well!" Britta leaned in towards her webcam and extended her arms towards it, wiggling her fingers as they filled the webcam's field of vision. "I'm gonna put it up on the discord in a bit but I wanted you to be one of the first to know and I wanted to tell someone in person. See?"

"What?" Jeff was perplexed. "Did you get a manicure?"

"What? No!" Britta made a fist with her left hand and thrust it towards the camera, holding it there. She had a ring on.

"You have a ring on," Jeff observed.

"Yes!" Britta pulled her hands back and sat up in her seat.

"Congratulations," Jeff said. "I'm glad you guys are happy."

"We went to the courthouse today!" Britta gushed, as if he'd asked her to tell him the story of how she got married. "Well, the records office. It was weird, like, most of the people were wearing these masks, and they had X's marked on the floor with tape, six feet apart? It felt really dystopian…but! We got the paperwork done and there was a lady who was like, you want to, and I said yeah, and she asked if Frankie wanted to, and Frankie said yes. And then we took a picture!" She tapped something on her keyboard, and to Jeff's mild surprise successfully displayed an image of herself, Frankie, and another woman, presumably a clerk of the county, all three smiling together in a hallway.

"Wow," Jeff said, impressed despite himself that Britta had managed to screen-share without accidentally resetting her router or formatting her hard drive.

Britta reactivated her camera. "I know, right?" she asked happily, probably misinterpreting his surprise.

"I admit I don't know how your relationship with Frankie differs from, say, your relationship with Annie that year you were roommates—"

Britta laughed. "Oh! Oh, it's different," she said, through the laughter. "It's  _ very  _ different!"

"Okay…" Jeff said. "I don't get it, but I don't have to. I'd get you guys a wedding present but there are so many obstacles in the way, starting with the two of you have been living together for years and probably already own as many rice cookers as you care to."

"That's fair," Britta said, nodding. "I'm sure you're glad to be out of our agreement, too."

Jeff blinked. "Huh?"

Britta frowned. "If we were both single when I turned forty, we'd get married? I turn forty in October—"

"We did not have that agreement," Jeff assured her.

"We didn't?" Britta frowned again. "Who am I thinking of?" she asked herself. Then she shrugged. "It doesn't matter. He missed his chance, whoever it was. Maybe Ian Duncan?" she mused. "No, that doesn't sound right…"

Jeff cleared his throat. "There is one thing I need to do," he said, "either later tonight or tomorrow, I want to swing by your place and drop off a set of keys. I've been meaning to give my spare keys to somebody, since I moved, and…" He shrugged. "It's you guys or Mark, and if I give them to Mark he's going to end up cooking a Thanksgiving turducken in my oven, or something."

"Oh, okay," Britta said, surprised. "What's up? Are you going somewhere? You know you shouldn't fly."

Jeff chuckled. "I need to go, I have a lot to do. I'll fill you in on Thursday, at the D&D game. Or Friday, if I don't make it to the game. I should make it, though."

"Do you have a trial?" Britta guessed. "Oh, I know! Is it a funeral?" she asked excitedly. "Did your mother die?"

* * *

Day 39 (Tuesday)

"Well, that's everything," Jeff said. "Car is loaded."

Annie heard a car door slam—no, it would have to be his trunk. It felt weird, not being able to see. "Great," she said. "And it's only, what, ten o'clock where you are? You're making good time already!"

"Sure." She heard him chuckle, imagined him smiling as he climbed into his car and bid his apartment farewell.

"I should let you go," she said, "because if I just stay on the line all day one of us will get bored and if it's you, then your mind will wander and you might be in an accident."

"I'm not going to be in an accident," he assured her. "But yeah. I'll call you when I take a rest break this afternoon."

"Tulsa," she reminded him. "I don't want you going past Tulsa today. And be sure to take breaks to stretch your legs."

"I know, I know," he said. "I will."

"Okay, well, good-bye then," Annie said nervously. "I love you," she added.

"I love you too," he said. He chuckled. "Not the first time you've said that. Or the first time I've said it. But…"

"Yeah." Annie smiled, picturing him standing by his car, phone to his ear, grinning like an idiot. "I love you," she repeated.

"I love you, and I'll see you soon."

* * *

Day 41 (Thursday)

Abed opened the group meeting exactly at five o'clock, local time. In a few seconds, four others joined.

Britta wrinkled her nose. "We're short a window. Who are we missing?" she asked nobody in particular. She did a double take when she spotted someone unfamiliar. Red hair, glasses, nervous smile. "Wait…"

"Hi!" Ashley waved. "It's me. It's Ashley? Troy and Abed's friend? I hope this is okay?"

"It's fine, dear," Shirley assured her in a dulcet tone.

"I really had fun last week, sitting in and eavesdropping," Ashley continued, "but I felt bad about being sneaky? So I thought, if it's okay with y'all—"

"It's okay! It's okay," Britta said. "Did you make a character? Are you joining the game?"

"We could really use some kind of ranged damage-dealer. An archer type," Shirley suggested.

"Oh, no!" Ashley laughed, throwing up her hands in mock surrender. "I wouldn't dream. This is y'all's thing. I just want to watch. Maybe toss in a funny comment from time to time? But mostly just be quiet. Y'all should act like I'm not here."

"Okay," Abed said distractedly. "Has anyone heard from Jeff? Or Annie?"

Shirley let out a little half-squeak of a giggle that she immediately suppressed.

"Jeff said he might miss the game," Britta recalled. "He's doing something. Did he say what? Maybe he didn't say. Or he said and I forgot. Either way I don't have any good information."

Abed clucked his tongue disapprovingly. "Shall we start without them, then?" he asked.

"I think we can wait a couple of minutes," Troy said. "It's no sweat. And you know, even if something has one of them held up, it's not going to involve the other, so, I bet one or the other of them will be on, like, by the time I finish saying this sentence that I'm saying… right… now…? Huh." He scowled slightly, disappointed.

Shirley let out another little squeak of repressed laughter.

"Are you okay, Shirls?" Troy asked her.

"Oh, this is fun—" Shirley broke off, laughing. "Okay. I was sworn to absolute secrecy, so, I'll hold off until we're sure—hee! Hee!—Until we're sure nobody else is joining us tonight."

"What do you know?" Britta asked.

"Yeah!" cried Ashley. "I—wait, are you saying—?"

Ashley broke off as Annie's face suddenly appeared. She seemed to have her laptop closer to her than usual, because almost nothing but her face was visible in her window. "Hi guys!" She had a broad smile but spoke softly, and her hair was wet under her headset. "Sorry I'm a little late and I can't stay, I just got out of the shower."

Shirley bounced in her seat. "Oh! Did—?"

"Mmm-hmm!" Annie nodded eagerly.

"And was—"

" _ Mmm-hmm!  _ " Annie's smile split into a grin and her nodding became almost frantic.

"Oh my God!" Ashley's hands flew to cover her mouth as she gasped. "Oh my God!" she repeated. "I'm Ashley, by the way? Oh my God!"

Britta squinted as she tried to process Shirley's, Annie's, and Ashley's behavior and construct a coherent theory of the whole. "I don't understand why any of you are making those faces," she murmured.

"Welcome to my life," Abed said flatly. "Jazz hands," he added, in the same tone.

"There's definitely something I'm missing, too," Troy told Britta. "It's not just you."

"Oh, hey, that reminds me," Britta said to Troy. "Were we going to get married in October?"

"What?" Troy was nonplussed, to say the least.

Ashley was still muttering. "Oh my God oh my God oh my God."

"When I turn forty?" Britta suggested. "Was that you? I was going to marry  _ somebody  _ when I turned forty."

"Uh…" Troy shook his head slowly.

"I mean, I'm not holding you to it or anything," Britta assured him. "I'm off the market as of Monday—"

There was a slightly ragged chorus of "Oh, yeah! I saw on the discord! Congratulations!" and similar sentiments, from Annie, Shirley, and Ashley.

"This would have been, like, back at Greendale. Probably after we broke up?" Britta continued, pressing a baffled Troy further.

"Maybe?" he offered reluctantly. "It rings a little bit of a bell, I guess?"

"So what are you doing sitting here?" Shirley demanded. It wasn't immediately clear to anyone else that she was addressing Annie.

"He's asleep," Annie said. "He got here exhausted, and then…" She trailed off with a little shrug of her shoulders. She was still grinning.

Ashley let out an excited gasp. "Oh, wow, I knew it, you know? I just  _ knew  _ it! Y'all were all the time  _ typing typing typing  _ and messaging one another," she said excitedly. "And T&A told me about your history—"

"So Frankie was wrong and you  _ do  _ call them that in real life, too," Britta murmured.

"And I was like, wow, obviously, and they were like, no way, and I was like, yes!" Ashley squealed. "Okay, listen, I'm not usually like this, I'm—I was just super excited before, and now with this—wow!"

"Listen, what's—oh!" Troy gasped with realization as Ashley poked him (leaning out of frame of her own webcam and briefly into his). "Annie!" He sounded shocked.

"I know right?" cried Ashley. "I told you! Tell them I told you, T!"

"It just doesn't stop," Britta marveled quietly. "Wait," she said, as her brain worked through what Ashley seemed to be intimating and which everybody except her seemed to have already known. "What?"

"Jeff drove to Florida," Abed said, as though he was recapping last week's session of the D&D game. "He got to Annie's house a few hours ago. Right now he's asleep in her bed because he's been through something of an ordeal, and then when he got there Annie ripped his clothes off. Correct me if I'm wrong, Annie."

"I didn't—well, yeah, okay, basically," Annie said. "I'm only talking to you guys because—" She broke off suddenly, turned her head to one side, and disabled her headset's microphone with one hand, so she could call something out. She paused, listening, then nodded and replied before turning her microphone back on. "I need to go now. Turns out we broke my bed." She was still grinning as she disconnected abruptly.

Everyone was silent for a second or so.

"Did everybody know about this but me?" Britta complained.

"It's not really that impressive. I've seen her bed," Shirley declared. 

"When did you see her bed?" Troy asked, skepticism evident in his tone.

"When she gave me a virtual tour," Shirley retorted. "And it's just a cheap IKEA frame. So no wonder, really."

Abed cleared his throat. "We can either play without them, or put off the game until another night."

"Ugh, I told Jeff he could be excused from tonight's game," Britta grumbled. "At the time I didn't think…" She trailed off with a grunt of frustration.

"I don't think you have that power," Abed said. "I'm going to have to mark this as an unexcused absence."

Troy looked thoughtful. "Doesn't feel right, doing it without either of them. Three-fifths of the partiers aren't a quorum, I don't think."

"Ugh." Shirley sighed. "I'm glad they found love and everything, but I wish they'd timed it better."

"Do you think they'll be up to play tomorrow?" wondered Ashley. "I want to know what happens with Webby."

* * *

Day 48 (Thursday)

"You know you've been here a week?" Annie asked as she snuggled closer on the bed.

"No, that doesn't sound right," Jeff replied. He stretched and put one arm around her.

She made a little humming noise. "Are you going to tell me…what, you were here this whole time? Hiding? Because you couldn't bear to be away from me?"

"No, I mean I feel like I got here earlier today," he said with a smile.

"It's the pandemic messing with your sense of time," she told him. 

"After the March and April that we've had, we deserve some peace and quiet," he mused. "Maybe May and June will be better. I mean, in one key respect they'll be better. Not just for us, but for the country. You know things really started to go downhill around the time you moved away. Now that we're together it's bound to improve. The rift in our national psyche can finally heal."

Annie laughed. "We'll fix America with sex magick?"

Jeff yawned. "Sure. Is that a D&D thing?" he asked sleepily.

"What? No." Annie ran her hand along his chest. "It doesn't seem like we've only been together a week. It feels like you had to take a trip and you were gone for a while and now you're back where you belong, where I can reach you."

"Yeah."

"Part of me was worried," she admitted, still stroking his chest. "We'd both been living alone for a while, and it was going to be an adjustment, I thought, and…somehow it hasn't been. It's like before was the aberration and this was the way it was supposed to be all along."

Jeff shifted under her, stretching. "I guess, yeah. Yes."

"You know, I was thinking about…you remember, holding hands at Disneyland?" She propped herself up on her elbows, partially disentangling from him. "I was thinking, I almost moved out, when I found out Abed had catfished me like that. I was really upset!"

"You had a right to be," Jeff said agreeably. He reached out and started petting her hair.

She smiled. "It was—it seemed like more of a betrayal than anything else, at the time. I'd decided, right then, I was going to move out, and then Troy got the money and he was moving out, and it didn't seem right to just abandon Abed with Troy going, and…I guess over time I got over it."

"We're all very lucky," Jeff replied, "that you are such a forgiving, gentle, non-grudge-bearing and sweet person."

Any irony was lost on her. "Well, thank you. But I almost moved out. If I had, I would have moved in with you."

Jeff blinked, taken aback. "You would have?"

"Well, it would have been you or Britta. So, yes."

"I wouldn't have gotten a say in it?"

"If I had showed up at your door with an overnight bag and a bunch of wet tissues and big ugly-cry eyes—"

"Ugly-cry eyes? I don't think you're capable. But point taken."

"So I would have crashed on your couch for a night or two," Annie continued, "but then I think…oh, it would have been a week at the most before we were sharing the bed."

"No, I…" Jeff tried to picture it. Annie would have been, what, twenty-four, and he would have been thirty-nine with forty barreling down the freeway towards him… "Maybe."

"No maybe about it," she said confidently. "If I'd needed to I would have started lounging around the apartment in skimpy underthings. I wouldn't have needed to, though."

"If I'd been… five years younger, say. Maybe sleeping with you would have been the mistake I made."

She frowned. "Sleeping with me then would have been a mistake?"

"Believe it or not, I've given this topic a lot of thought…" Jeff began.

"Because sleeping with me  _ now  _ isn't a mistake. It's your life's purpose," she informed him, emphasizing her point with an affectionate squeeze.

"Sure. But back then…I was on a downward slide. I wouldn't have been good for you. And I knew it, and…also, half my age plus seven was still a good four, five years older than you were at the time."

"It would have been two years. And it doesn't matter, because that's a stupid rule. Can't I be allowed to know what I want? I knew what I wanted a long time ago, you just needed time to catch up."

" _ I  _ needed to catch up? You went out and became…all this." Jeff ran his hands down her body. 

"So you don't think we could have gotten together back then and it would have worked out? We would have split up by now, you'd have broken my heart, I'd have ruined you for all other women—"

"You know I lied in that email, you  _ did _ ruin me for all other women—"

"Yeah, duh, look at your history. I knew you were lying at the time. I just thought it was sweet of you to try to lie to me about it." She bent down and kissed him. "C'mon, Fej," she said. "Game is in five. Time to go."

* * *

Day 49 (Friday)

**GM Abed Nadir**

Thank you all for completing "the Adventure of the Lost City of Casablanca." Everyone can advance to 5th level. 

**(6 Party-face: TroyBarnes, YES THAT ASHLEY, Britta, ShirleyB, annie, JWinger)**

Per our discussion last night,  **@YES THAT ASHLEY** will be joining the game as Webbigail, starting next week. Next week we'll pick up with the group arriving at the Imperial Capital and a new adventure, "the Adventure of Visiting the Imperial Capital."

**(4 Smiling-face-with-three-hearts: TroyBarnes, ShirleyB, Britta, annie)**

**(1 Angel: ShirleyB)**

We will work on the name.

**(4 Smiley: Britta, annie, TroyBarnes, YES THAT ASHLEY)**

**(1 Jazz-hands: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

**Britta**

**@YES THAT ASHLEY** What class is Webby? Is there a spunky tween class?

**YES THAT ASHLEY**

**@Britta** She's going to be a rogue scout who jumps around and shoots arrows a bunch!

**(1 Bow-and-arrow: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

There isn't a Duckfolk option for players so she's going to be a halfling

But actually a Duck

**(1 Jazz-hands: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

Just game-mechanics-wise a halfling.

**annie**

**@YES THAT ASHLEY** We should do some kind of ceremony to memorialize Carmen adopting Webby!

**(1 Green-check-mark: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

**YES THAT ASHLEY**

**@annie** Webby would love that!

**annie**

And we need to go visit Carmen's tribe so Webby and Fej can be formally inducted

**(1 Partying-face: YES THAT ASHLEY)**

**JWinger**

I got an answer from Abed that I'm going to share with the group: there might be a reindeer for sale in the Imperial Capital. If Fej can't find one there we're going to need to head further north.

**ShirleyB**

Oh that's sweet

**(1 Bridal-veil: ShirleyB)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This concludes the story. Thank you, Bethany! Thank you, Amrywiol! And thank you, the reader, for reading! If you liked it, please consider comments and/or kudos!


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